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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not fair to my parents - Xmas present

81 replies

crossatbro · 21/12/2012 22:51

My parents are in their 80s, DF in particular is not well and recovering from a cancer operation. My brother lives in US with his family. This year 9 members of the UK family side have received the equivalent of a Kitkat each as Christmas presents - chocolate + postage has come to £12 in total for 9 people. For 9 people. My husband and I have eaten our 2 fingers each of KitKat already.

We have asked what he is sending for my parents, still time to order something from Amazon or M&S.

Today he has emailed to say that he is sponsoring Christmas lunch for a 'family in need' and has asked me to print out a certificate for my elderly parents to open on Christmas Day. This certificate will inform them that they are buying lunch for a needy family.

I cannot do this, it will be like kicking kittens. They have had no warning of this and have sent beautiful, thoughtful presents. I went to see them today. They are OLD.

I have been waiting to sort the wording out to email back. Sad

OP posts:
zookeeper · 22/12/2012 10:21

My mum who is 82 would love your brother's gift. I think YABU and judgmental.

Greensleeves · 22/12/2012 10:28

Kitkats?!?!

I bet the certificate is a fake and he hasn't given any money at all. Skinflint.

Hulababy · 22/12/2012 10:28

Hate charity gifts unless they are specifically asked for.
If I want to give to charity I do so with my own money and on my own behalf. I would never give to charity instead of getting someone a gift. How would I even know if it was a charity that person would want to give to?

Charity, imo, is something you do yourself, with your own money, on behalf of yourself.

DowntonSprouts · 22/12/2012 11:45

I think this is awful and thoughtless. Worse than not sending a gift at all.

Charity is, as Hula said, something you do for yourself or if it is asked for. It is not a gift.

It is easy to order something online to be delivered from abroad. I know it's the thought that counts but this just says I couldn't be bothered to think of anything to give you so I've thought of others instead. I hope you like it.

LIZS · 22/12/2012 11:53

That does sound mean . One thing if they had said we really have everything we need please donate any money you might have sent to x , another to just do it. Even flowers or something practical to help make their lives more comfortable at the moment - cordless phone, lightweight blanket, footstool etc - would have been better.

atosilis · 23/12/2012 15:27

I've got in touch with him, calmly saying they are too old for this and DF is very ill.

Reply. He thinks they will enjoy knowing another family is having a happy Christmas.

Since my last post, my sister's husband is in dire straits. That means the family is in dire straits. Nearly asked him to sponsor his sister.

I am also SAD, SAD, SAD. I had a huge row with husband last night. I now have no front teeth. I was very proud of those.

atosilis · 23/12/2012 15:31

Oops, forgot to namechange.

Ephiny · 23/12/2012 15:52

Are you sure they'll be as bothered as you think? Personally I'm not bothered about gifts, and either some chocolate or a charity thing would be fine for me. The last thing I'd want is more stuff to clutter up my home.

At best I'd be slightly Hmm if it was a charity I wouldn't personally support, but I wouldn't be as devastated as you seem to imagine your parents will be.

I don't understand your last post. Are you serious?

IneedAsockamnesty · 23/12/2012 15:58

How did you lose your front teeth?

ModernToss · 23/12/2012 16:00

I now have no front teeth.

Please say you're joking.

ScarletWomanoftheChristmasTree · 23/12/2012 16:12

I now have no front teeth.

Seriously? after a row with your h? Bloody hell op, please explain this. Otherwise I am imagining that your husband has punched you in the face.

Hope you are ok.

lougle · 23/12/2012 16:40

That can't be literal, surely?

cazza40 · 23/12/2012 16:47

Yanbu ... Do not buy anything on his behalf. He needs to call them to wish them happy christmas and to explain the gift himself.

Moominsarescary · 23/12/2012 17:14

What?

Salmotrutta · 23/12/2012 17:17

Is that bit about the teeth supposed to be pun about the song?

As in All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth?

Maybe not a good joke if so?

Moominsarescary · 23/12/2012 18:19

Oh right, no not very funny

Don't the police and women's shelters see an increase of dv every year over the Christmas period ?

Dromedary · 23/12/2012 18:30

I would send him a brief, reasonable email, explaining how you feel and that you feel it would really cheer your parents up to receive a nice gift from him (doesn't need to cost much). Making sure he is up to date with their state of health.
Maybe in a separate email and after Christmas try to find out what the kitkats are all about? No-one sends that kind of present - he must be trying to annoy you for some reason. Is this and the charity gift a way of emphasising how poor he is?
Charity gifts should be by agreement of the recipiant (eg agree to swop charity gifts). Otherwise I don't see that it "counts" as a present.

Salmotrutta · 23/12/2012 18:30

Sad probably.

ImperialBlether · 23/12/2012 18:46

OP, would you please come back on and tell us what happened with your husband? Are you safe?

Salmotrutta · 23/12/2012 21:07

This is playing on my mind a bit actually ... Sad

vic1981 · 23/12/2012 21:28

Op- are you ok? Worried also...

VivaLeBeaver · 23/12/2012 21:34

Tell your brother your parents wouldn't appreciate it. Tell him that if he sends you money you will happily buy the presents. Maybe the postage is putting him off?

shrimponastick · 23/12/2012 22:42

I am perturbed by the recent post about front teeth??

Re your brothers gifts. Not a lot you can do. Some folk are just odd. He does maybe need to be reminded that they are very elderly, and that he needs to frame himself and visit, offer help.

OhlimpPricks · 23/12/2012 22:53

Has your husband attacked you? Have you rung the police?

glastocat · 23/12/2012 22:59

I really hope your last post was a joke!