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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not fair to my parents - Xmas present

81 replies

crossatbro · 21/12/2012 22:51

My parents are in their 80s, DF in particular is not well and recovering from a cancer operation. My brother lives in US with his family. This year 9 members of the UK family side have received the equivalent of a Kitkat each as Christmas presents - chocolate + postage has come to £12 in total for 9 people. For 9 people. My husband and I have eaten our 2 fingers each of KitKat already.

We have asked what he is sending for my parents, still time to order something from Amazon or M&S.

Today he has emailed to say that he is sponsoring Christmas lunch for a 'family in need' and has asked me to print out a certificate for my elderly parents to open on Christmas Day. This certificate will inform them that they are buying lunch for a needy family.

I cannot do this, it will be like kicking kittens. They have had no warning of this and have sent beautiful, thoughtful presents. I went to see them today. They are OLD.

I have been waiting to sort the wording out to email back. Sad

OP posts:
CaliforniaSucksSnowballs · 21/12/2012 23:44

Maybe he's having financial problems, things are pretty bad for a lot of people in the US right now too.

Original poster
crossatbro · 21/12/2012 23:47

I thought that but went on the website of the sponsored lunches. The cheapest 'deal' is £50 - going up to £200 including presents.

OP posts:
monsterchild · 21/12/2012 23:58

YABU, it's his choice to give what he gives. You're not at all unreasonable to not want to be the one to tell them, however. If he thinks its such a great present, why shouldn't he tell them why he got it? He should get to hear from them what they think of it.

I also think he's being mean, but you can't change that.

Paribus · 22/12/2012 00:07

Op, buy gifts and tell your parents they are from your brother. Warn your brother to keep his mouth shut though.

Isityouorme · 22/12/2012 07:07

I think you should stay out of it. Your db is an arse but should deal with it.

FredFredGeorge · 22/12/2012 08:51

YABU needy and grabby over your presents. Putting your disgust at getting the kitkat presents in the post has made you look bad.

You should not be involved or judging or anything what an appropriate present between your brother and his parents are - you shouldn't even be bothering to ask. So butt out, and stop being so grabby about the kit-kats.

Kytti · 22/12/2012 09:07

Charity presents are fine FOR PEOPLE THAT ASK FOR THEM. If you haven't asked for presents to charity DON'T DO IT.

I bloody hate them. Well, I don't, but I'd bloody hate to get one. I'd be really pissed off.

Tell your brother he's a twat. He can tell them himself.

I feel for you. Xmas Sad

ChristmasJubilee · 22/12/2012 09:14

Make sure you have thoughtful gifts for your parents and let him tell them what he has got.

HollyBerryBush · 22/12/2012 09:15

I never see the point of sending heavy, expensive presents through the post. The only beneficiary is the post office with all that extra revenue.

Your parents know your brother best, he is their child, he has made a moral (or lazy) decision to do something in the spirit of Christmas and Christian belief by helping a family in need.

I think I like your brother very much

Original poster
crossatbro · 22/12/2012 09:19

FFG- hahahaha, you might notice that we have laughed about the kitkats. Disgust? Nope. I have thought overnight about a measured response, thank you sweetheart.

OP posts:
FredFredGeorge · 22/12/2012 09:28

The fact you "laughed" doesn't make you seem better - it means you still belittle the gift rather than actually being grateful for it.

Original poster
crossatbro · 22/12/2012 09:29

Family in need. What are the needs? My parents need help, attention, love and good health. Dad can't eat a Christmas meal, they have other needs and something to cheer them up. If he wants to put money for them into a charity, he can put money into cancer research. Sis and I do everything we can.

Thanks for the replies, I am seeing all opinions and am now able to reply. Obv you can't see the personalities involved so not getting the full picture but we are not in anyway materialistic.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 22/12/2012 09:35

I feel for you OP - my parents are incredibly frail now, and where once they needed/wanted for nothing, now they don't have the energy or ability to get anything beyond absolute basics for themselves (ie, I now buy their underwear for example), so presents make a huge difference to them, as does peoples time.

My brother, wife and baby are spending this weekend with her parents who live 15 mins from my parents. They will pop in for 10 mins tomorrow on their way home, and last year gave them a jar of chutney. Makes me livid that they hurt them so much - my dad was nearly in tears on Friday about it.

EldritchCleavage · 22/12/2012 09:37

The key thing is that if your brother thought the charity present idea were so wonderful he would be telling your parents himself. Instead, he's trying to delegate it to you.
I would e-mail back saying he should ring them and talk to them himself. He can explain it better, it's for him to do anyway and they would like a 'phone call from him.

SledsImOn · 22/12/2012 09:38

I think your brother's idea is hideous.

If he cares that much about this other family then he should pay for ther Christmas do as well as getting your folks a present - why does their gift have to be sacrificed?

I am a bit prejudiced against this anyway tbh - a couple of years ago I was given a Christmas hamper thing from a charity, by a HV who had one left over nad thought we might appreciate it.

I wasn't in need at all. Yes on benefit, but not in need. It was a bit weird. I think sometimes it's more about the charity/their subscribers feeling generous than the people actually needing it though obvs I don't know in this instance.

I did get an Oxfam thing once from my best friend, but she also sent small gifts for the children and so on, it was an extra thing. I didn't mind at all.

I think doing this to your parents is really rude tbh. Refuse to help, I think, and tell him why, but in the end there's not much you can do about it.

MackerelOfFact · 22/12/2012 09:39

I think it seems a little bit off and very impersonal. Unless your parents are extraordinary altruists I don't suppose it will be any consolation to them to know that their son has paid for a stranger to have a nice Christmas is leiu of ensuring his own parents have one. If this gift was given in addition to something thoughtful and personal to your parents, then fair enough. But I imagine it is some cold comfort on its own.

I would be tempted to get something for them. Perhaps say its from all of you, that way your parents sill think DB is involved but he doesn't get all of the undeserved credit.

strumpetpumpkin · 22/12/2012 09:40

email him back and say he is entitled to do what he likes, but youre having no part in it and he can send the letter himself, but that you think its a totally shit present and totally inappropriate considering how old and frail they are, that they ARE a family in need and a visit soon to them is absolutely in order before its too late.

skatebauble · 22/12/2012 09:46

I understand that you feel bad that he is not showing much thought. He sounds like a twit tbh. However it is not a reflection on you. Your dp will know that.
A gentle reminder that they looked after him daily for x years would be my reply and he could at least send flowers to brighten their home & a hamper if funds allowed.

StripeyBear · 22/12/2012 09:46

What a shame - how about committing to a visit where he takes them out to lunch on a specified day, as well as the lunch for the needy family?

Original poster
crossatbro · 22/12/2012 09:47

Thanks, I genuinely don't think dad will ever see his son and grandchildren again. He thinks that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossatbro · 22/12/2012 09:48

Hohoho-hum

OP posts:
Pourquoimoi · 22/12/2012 09:50

I have got my parents an oxfam goat before but because they asked.

I still remember the Catherine Tate sketch with the old granny, someone got her an oxfam goat (or similar) for xmas and said "it's an alternative present', she replied 'what, an alternative to something I actually want??" It was very funny!

OP, good luck. You are not being grabby at all, it is just a significant change to the usual Xmas presents your family exchanges so it's fair enough that you're a bit surprised and miffed on behalf of your parents.

FreeButtonChristmasTree · 22/12/2012 09:53

Oh gosh, that is v hurtful, especially when they are so frail. I have seen my GPs reslly fail over the past year and it's so hard to watch. I think, from s distance, it's hard to really understand the change so, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he probably doesn't realise that they need to feel his love and care for them through his present, particularly at a time when they will be missing him even more than normal. I would perhaps tell your bro that the present is inapropriate this year and suggest that you could get them something more apt, giving examples of things that your DPs need eg soft straws and nice favourite liquid food for your dad for when he improves? Or something soft and cosy for wearing in the house. Gently directing him like that might help him see thatbthey are just not robust enough to care altruistically for some unknown family at the moment.

Virtuallyarts · 22/12/2012 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 22/12/2012 10:20

Could he be in denial about how frail your parents now are. Perhaps don't speak to him about the gift but instead make a point of telling him how unwell they actually are and how much they would like to see him again before they die. Perhaps he needs to be told bluntly they are at the end of their lives and time is short?

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