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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that Fathers don't always crave sons?

122 replies

autumnlights12 · 21/12/2012 13:03

I have three girls.
Yet another person this morning made yet another snide remark about my 'poor husband' and how we 'might have a boy next time' and it got me wondering.
How do men feel?
How does your partner feel?
Did he want a boy?
Does he have all girls and is happy with that?
My husband adores his daughters and is adamant that he didn't ever yearn for a boy.
Do most men hanker after a son?

OP posts:

louisianablue2000 · 21/12/2012 22:57

DH happily says he would rather have three DDs than three DSs. He's not a blokey bloke. We've got 2DDs then a DS. Always wanted three, didn't care about the sex, but everyone has said 'Oh, you've got your son now!' Certainly the older generation feel it, FIL told me he wanted a grandson when I was pregnant with both DD2 and DS. I told him he should talk to his son.

Lafaminute · 21/12/2012 23:04

When I discovered my second - much longed for baby was a boy dh was in furious form with me - he never felt baby kick, didn't come to any scans and acted as if there was no baby on the way at all (from that point on). For our first he had gotten several comments about what a shame that she wasn't a boy and we were both horrified - we'd both've been delighted with either. Anyway, our son arrived - dh didn't even make it to the delivery room but they have bonded like I could never have imagined. My now 4 year old adores his father and the feeling is mutual. I don't know why it has happened this way - but I am positive it has nothing to do with gender and is more to do with personality and circumstances. Dh was suffering from depression during my pregnancy and it was, to date, the toughest time of our marriage. Our dd is the image of her father - they think the same, react the same and understand and empathise with each other but they also clash (maybe because of same) ds is probably a bit young yet to be sure but whatever his personality is like, his world is his dad. They have bonded so well because of circumstances definitely and not because my dh would value a girl over a boy or vice versa. Also, my friends dh was THRILLED they had a boy, he was one who made nasty remarks about our first being a girl - then he had a dd - unfortunately for his gorgeous son, you would swear no other child ever existed!

Lafaminute · 21/12/2012 23:09

PS Despite the domestic harmony between DH and DS dh agrees with me that we would go for a third if we could guarantee a girl.....as my pre-teen would say: GO FIGURE!!!

phlebas · 21/12/2012 23:16

we have two of each & dh has never had a preference - I was hoping that dc4 would be a boy purely because the symmetry of GBGB appealed to me Having a mix has also meant we've avoided all the tiresome 'oh are you trying for a boy/girl?' comments which you get when you have more than two children.

BadLad · 24/12/2012 07:04

Yet another person this morning made yet another snide remark about my 'poor husband' and how we 'might have a boy next time' and it got me wondering.

I have the similar problem of people, including my MiL, telling my wife about "poor BadLad, not having any children".

As I crave neither sons, not daughters, I married someone who feels similarly, and in fact has now been told that she can't have kids. That didn't stop MiL apologising to my parents when she met them for the fact that her daughter hadn't yet produced any grandchildren for them, or telling my wife to get ready for the fact that some day I will want them, and will leave her for a woman who can conceive.

Meanwhile there are the tosspots who ask why I married her, as she doesn't want them and is now in her 40's, and some prick she works with offered to come round and show her how it was done.

If we did have one, I think I would have preferred a son, because I suppose I'd be likely to have more in common with him.

neontetra · 24/12/2012 07:25

My dh would have been gutted if we'd had a boy - really wanted a girl. Yet he gets on well with men, lots of male friends etc. Gender preference is always pretty irrational, methinks. I too wanted a girl, yet don't believe for a second that her gender will determine anything about her personality or behaviour.

Pancakeflipper · 24/12/2012 07:42

My DP said when I was pregnancy any he didn't care but would like a son at some point.

Got 2 boys now and I love them so much but sometimes I look at my mate with 2 daughters and wonder if I will envy their shopping/ soppy cinema trips? Though I can always borrow her daughters if I wish.

groovejet · 24/12/2012 07:43

We have two girls, DH has never expressed any desire to have a son, in fact I think whilst he would have been equally happy if dd2 had turned out to be a boy he was actually relieved that she wasn't.

That is down to his family who expressed such a strong desire that I should have a son, that he was worried that dd1 would be left out by his family if our second was a boy.

MariahScarey · 24/12/2012 07:44

My h is super sporty - nothing makes him happier than when s2 says " lets sit down and watch a bit of T20" now a girl MIGHT say that, but its unlikely.

I dont miss having a girl so dont know why i presume all men are WILDLY jealous of my sons.

I do find that men who like shopping freaks and stuff like having girls

GalaxyDefender · 24/12/2012 08:02

My DP desperately wanted a girl when I was pg. Dunno why, he's not really feminine, he just wanted a girl.
I was the one who wanted a boy!

My poor mum had to put up with all the comments though, as you have - I'm one of four, our youngest brother being the only boy. People assume mum kept trying until she got the holy grail of boy, but she just wanted to have four children.
It always made me on behalf of my sisters, as it's almost suggested that they shouldn't be wanted because they were the wrong gender.
It's so stupid.

girlsyearapart · 24/12/2012 08:19

We always wanted 4 dcs.

Never made a secret of that fact.

Have 3 girls and dc4 is a boy.

Cue lots of stupid comments about us being able to stop now 'we've got our boy' and 'thank goodness we had a boy dh can take to football'

Drives me mad!

My dad & me had football season tickets until I had the dcs, I used to watch my dad play football every weekend throughout my childhood & earned my pocket money washing the kit.

Equally I have lots of male friends who don't give a toss about football.

All these comments make me cross- A because in my head it undermines what me & my own dad share and B because people seem like our 3 girls were just failed attempts at having a boy.

Fwiw neither myself nor dh wanted a boy when it came to dc4 as we felt much safer in our 'girl baby' territory.

Stupid I know & I wouldn't swap ds he's a lovely baby (except when he gets me up at 5am)

girlsyearapart · 24/12/2012 08:20

X post galaxy ! I am the same as your mum!

freddiefrog · 24/12/2012 08:26

People say such stupid things about children

It started with how it was 'such a shame' that we didnt have one of each

Then how people feel sorry for DH never having a boy. A few people have suggested we have 'one last try for a boy'

I do think that deep down DH would have quite liked a son, but not at the expense of one of our daughters, and he doesn't want one enough to try for another baby

goldenlula · 24/12/2012 08:50

We have 2 ds' followed by a dd. I have often had the 'You can stop now' and 'You have your dd now'. I think it is just things people say without really thinking. The worse thing I think that was said to dh was after ds2 was born and my uncle said 'He wouldn't be a real man until he fathered a girl'. Ds2 was just 6 weeks old at the time.

threesypeesy · 24/12/2012 10:45

No we have 3DDs and dh wanted a girl each time it was me that was hoping for a boy..... He does however get called perfume balls off some of his friends but hes proud of his 3 beautiful girls

DumSpiroSperHoHoHo · 24/12/2012 12:17

Mariah

My DH is more our less obsessed with sport. He & DD both have season tickets for our local team.

He will also happily take her to the pictures and sit through Tinkerbell movies!

When I went away overnight last year, they went for haircuts, clothes & shoe shopping and out for dinner!

He's hardly a 'metrosexual' type - he just likes spending time with her.

HoneyMurcott · 24/12/2012 12:28

Agree, OP, it is very cheeky/rude to assume you would be disappointed with three girls, and for them to voice such an opinion is quite out of order. My mum says my dad was thrilled to have had only girls and I remember that growing up she told me this and this comment stuck with me and made me feel good about myself. He certainly did not hanker after a son. Try not to listen to silly comments, and celebrate those three special girls of yours.

StormyBrid · 24/12/2012 12:51

My dad gave me and my partner a lift to my 20 week scan back in October. Before we went in, he announced that he'd been thinking about it and realised he had no preference about the gender (turns out it's his third granddaughter). I was a bit and told him I was glad he felt that way, because his preferences had bugger all to do with it!

My partner's said throughout he wants a girl. His father walked out when he was seven, and he was brought up by his mother, grandmother, and two aunts. He says he's got no model for a healthy father-son relationship, and was scared that if he had a son he'd just screw things up. If this baby had turned out to be a boy I'm sure he'd have managed though.

ShellyBoobs · 24/12/2012 16:21

When we found out I was pregnant, OH didn't say anything about wanting the baby to be male or female but his utter delight at finding out we were having a DD gave away his inner thoughts.

For context, my OH is as much of a 'manly man' as they get.

He's a 6'4'' former RM officer, played rugby for his county and a large club, Thai boxes, tinkers with engines, rides and races motorbikes, etc, etc.

Our DD rides offroad motorbikes, does Thai boxing and goes with OH to watch rugby, football and motorsports.

But on the other hand, she's utterly gorgeous when she chooses to dress up and do her hair and make-up.

I just feel so sorry for any boys she brings home (probably not long now, she's 14) as they will never be good enough, in her dad's opinion.

BigShinyBaubles · 24/12/2012 16:33

Ive got 3ds and always get asked when are going to try for a little girl, because we just must must have a dd.
I even had a customer once tell me after a random chat that she felt sorry for me because I would never have those 'mother daughter' shopping trips as Id 'only' got boys.
Now when people comment I smile and say I'd happily have another dc if they bought me a 7 seater car and a 5 bed house. A friend of mine has had 9 miscarriages so I count my blessings that Ive got 3 beautiful healthy lads.

BigShinyBaubles · 24/12/2012 16:34

Oh forgot to add my OH has never wanted a dd.

Pantomimedam · 24/12/2012 17:49

I think the stereotype is Mothers are close to their sons (Mummy's boy) and Fathers are close to their daughters (Daddy's girl). So in theory parents should want a child of the opposite sex.

We have a boy so can't comment on dh although I'm ruddy sure he would have been delighted whichever gender the baby was. My Dad has three girls and I did catch a few adults commiserating with him when we were kids - the cheek of them! As it happens my Dad really liked having daughters and was very proud of us. He has a traditionally 'male' hobby which I think might be behind the remarks - but us being girls didn't stop him taking us into engine sheds and onto footplates and anywhere he went, playing with trains. I was on the footplate at three months old!

Funny thing is, Dad has four grandchildren, two boys, two girls, and it's the boys who are into trains and keen to ride the footplate and visit railways with Granddad. Very odd given the way it wasn't gender-driven when we were little (mind you, I think that could be to do with family dynamics rather than gender).

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