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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get really pissed off with other mothers who let their children behave appallingly and just ignore it?

120 replies

Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 00:10

Today I went out for lunch with DH and DS. DS is a real wriggle and finds it difficult to sit still for too long but we are being strict about it and instilling good behaviour in him (he's 2). He was doing really well and then suddenly a much older boy is standing on the bench next to him and announces his name. His mother came over and took him away. Two minutes later he's back and actually tries to climb over DS. His mother ambles over and mutters sorry. Then the same boy and two others (all 5/6) start climbing on all the spare seats and booths, sitting on top of the partitions and sliding along the alcoves at the back of all the booths, behind people eating. The mothers all sat finishing their drinks. When they had paid they picked their children up and they left. Not one of them was told off! I can't help but get annoyed with this kind of thing as we are trying to teach DS how to behave well and then he sees that kind of behaviour. AIBU?

OP posts:
FolkElf · 21/12/2012 10:42

Besides "family restaurant" means they cater for families and families are welcome. It doesn't mean they have no standards!

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts · 21/12/2012 10:42

AfterEight 'Yanbu. If your child cannot reliably sit still in a restaurant then do not take them to a restaurant, even if its a child friendly one! I can't understand why parents seem unable to grasp this concept.' Agree 100%.

Mine didn't behave like that in restaurants because we steered clear until they were reliable, not too old really when I think about it. I wouldn't just sit back and let them behave like that and my dc knew full well what was expected of them at a table.

But its always surprised me when they have friends to tea which ones can't sit at the table without messing about or walking offHmm

Original poster
Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 10:44

Great post Feelingdizzy

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Original poster
Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 10:46

G

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Original poster
Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 10:47

Oops! Good point Folk - surely it's about having respect for other people and venue shouldn't matter?

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Original poster
Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 10:52

Another thing which annoyed me recently was in a supermarket. Two children (about 12) were tearing around on those wheelie shoes while the mother ignored them and did her shopping. At one point they came flying round a corner and nearly knocked over DS and an old lady. I'm really strict with DS in supermarkets - if he wants to walk then he has to hold on to the trolley. If he doesn't then he has to sit in the seat. We've been through the suddenly diving in to the oranges stage and the consequent non-negotiable being put in the seat (embarrassing shouting and going rigid like a surfboard before finally giving in) and now he knows the rules.

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Allonsy · 21/12/2012 10:53

DS actually said himself that they were naughty boys so he can obviously tell the difference himself.

Are you seriously suggesting that a 2 year old can tell the difference between a NT child and a SN one?

This is exactly why we no longer take ds1 to cafes, resturants, day trips etc he becomes to overwhelmed and very difficult to control, by avoiding these places we are likely making the problem worse as he does not get the chance to learn appropriate behaviour. The parents in the op came over twice and apologised. Just because they didnt feel the need to tell you if the childern had any SN and what they were dosnt mean they didnt have them, its frankly nobodies business.

Of course they may not have had any SN they may have just been excited about christmas etc and behaviour wasnt up to scratch but you just dont know, i try not to judge others parenting these days.

FolkElf · 21/12/2012 10:54

Exactly. I expect the same behaviour of my children whether we're eating in McDonalds, a pub or a nice restaurant. It's not about the venue, it's about having consideration for other people and a bit of self control.

I get complimented on their behaviour quite often which always shocks me because I think being able to sit at a table and eat a meal and understand that there is a time and a place for different behaviours is quite a basic life skill.

Mine are 13 and 6.

ilikemysleep · 21/12/2012 10:55

Possibly off topic, but I have never vented about this and it will do me good to get it off my chest...

a while ago I took my 3 sons out for lunch with my mum. We went to a local italian, not specifically a family restaurant but they did do a children's menu. We were the only people when we arrived. The floor was tiled and the chairs were metal and made a horrific noise on the floor at the slightest movement.

While we were eating our starters, an elderly woman arrived with her son, who was probably in his early 50s, so she would have been, at a guess, late 70s. Despite the entire restaurant being empty they sat the the table behind ours. My eldest son is autistic and dyspraxic and finds it hard to sit still. However he was NOt running around or shouting out of anything, but his chair was scraping on the floor a bit as he wiggled in it.

This unpleasant old woman proceeded to spend the entire meal complaining to her son about my children and how badly behaved they were (they were sitting eating, talking and possibly giggling a bit) and even said stuff like 'I've never seen behaviour like it'.

Next time the waitress came out, I asked to be moved to a table further away so I didn't have to listen to her entirely unjustified ranting, and we left as soon as the children had eaten their pizza. I left a note on the table to say that we would have liked to have stayed and enjoyed pudding and coffee but the rudeness of the other customer had made us so uncomfortable that we had to leave.

My kids are not angels and there have been times that they have behaved badly in restaurants, and times I have been cross with them. But this was not one of them.

SDTGisAChristmassyWolefGenius · 21/12/2012 10:59

It certainly wasn't, ilikemysleep - you were the victims of a poorly designed and furnished restaurant, and a rather intolerant elderly lady.

FolkElf · 21/12/2012 11:01

Allonsy I suspect that if the children had SN then the parents would have been keeping a closer eye on them rather than ignoring them though, just to ensure the safety of the children as much as anything.

More than that, I know people whose children have behavioural SN and they wouldn't just ignore their child if they were disturbing other diners in this way either. If strangers choose to be judgy about what is happening with a child at their parents' table, that's up to them and their problem, but I think at the point at which they're clambering around strangers those strangers have a right to judge the parents whatever the explanation tbh.

I think the OP was suggesting that her child recognised the difference between "desireable" and "undesireable" behaviour rather than being able to identify NT children and those with SN.

Original poster
Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 11:02

No, of course my two year old cant tell the difference between NT and SN Allonsy. That would be rather astonishing.

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Original poster
Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 11:03

can't

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Original poster
Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 11:03

FolkElf I think you might be my new best friend!!

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YerMaw1989 · 21/12/2012 11:03

I would never let my toddler/child climb over other peoples chairs, booths etc but getting to sit still is a night mare he is very , very hyperactive, especially when we are in places where he has already sussed there is a play area there.

And sometimes the mothers are absolutely exhausted and the dads don't help them either.

Original poster
Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 11:04

ilikemysleep that's another totally different situation. I'm sorry that you had that experience.

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Original poster
Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 11:05

I think all mothers are pretty tired but I'd rather be more tired than mortified!

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FolkElf · 21/12/2012 11:05

Grin @ Festivelyfedup

At the very least, I think we might enjoy a nice meal out with our children together!!!

ilikemysleep · 21/12/2012 11:24

festively fed up I actually came away feeling terribly sorry for her son. I had to sit in the woman's presence for 30 mins. He had had her for 50 years...

fromparistoberlin · 21/12/2012 11:25

GOLD MEDAL FOR SUPERMUM OP

honestly, chillax woman!!!!

fromparistoberlin · 21/12/2012 11:27

OH, my 2 boys have their spirited monents, for sure. But at school, little bloody angels

If I think they are likely to misbehave, I just dont go!¬

so dont worry to much about discliping a 2 year old as come school time, its all kind of turns out oK

Original poster
Festivelyfedup · 21/12/2012 11:38

I'm not a supermum but I am trying to do my best!

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willyoulistentome · 21/12/2012 11:38

I personally have no problem with little kids being loud and obnoxious in pulic places PROVIDED the parents appear to be doing something to fix it. Kids are kids, and you need to expect a degree of noise wriggling etc, and if the parents are actively teching them how to behave nicely then they WILL get there in the end. How can you expect them to learn to behave in a restaurant..... if you don't take them to a restaurant??

However, I agree with OP. It REALLY riles me when parents just let them get on with it, allowing them to disrupt everyoe else so THEY can have a nice peaceful time.

Allonsy · 21/12/2012 11:39

I agree that allowing them to be overly out of control is not on no matter wether there are SN or not but the op said the boy came over and 'announced' his name. Thats not exactly develish behaviour, my ds introduces himself to everyone he meets especially little children and hes almost 7 he dosnt mean to annoy them hes just being friendly and the mother did remove him and apologise as i would have.
Yes they should not have been allowed to slide around the alcoves etc but perhaps the parents thought the best thing was to quickly finish up and deal with them outside, i know in a situation where ds is overwhelmed the harder i am with him in that environment the more chances of things esculating into massive meltdowns then you really would have something to say. I think we often see examples of others behaviour and have our own opinions but if we let every one bother us we would never be happy like i said i try not to judge others parenting these days.

FellatioNelson · 21/12/2012 11:40

DS actually said himself that they were naughty boys so he can obviously tell the difference himself.

Are you seriously suggesting that a 2 year old can tell the difference between a NT child and a SN one?

Er...no, but I think it means that her child can tell the difference between naughty behaviour and acceptable behaviour. SN's should not need to come into it in this scenario. No child, SN or otherwise, should not be allowed to clamber on furniture and wriggle and run around in very close proximity to other people who are in a restaurant trying to enjoy a meal that they have paid for. If you want to allow your child to do this, then by all means allow them to clamber and wriggle around your table, and slide along the top of your booth, but not mine thanks. I don't care what kind of need they have, special or otherwise, it's just damned rude and inconsiderate for the parent to not ensure that their child is not unnecessarily and persistently bothering others.

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