To get really pissed off with other mothers who let their children behave appallingly and just ignore it?

[Festivelyfedup]

Today I went out for lunch with DH and DS. DS is a real wriggle and finds it difficult to sit still for too long but we are being strict about it and instilling good behaviour in him (he's 2). He was doing really well and then suddenly a much older boy is standing on the bench next to him and announces his name. His mother came over and took him away. Two minutes later he's back and actually tries to climb over DS. His mother ambles over and mutters sorry. Then the same boy and two others (all 5/6) start climbing on all the spare seats and booths, sitting on top of the partitions and sliding along the alcoves at the back of all the booths, behind people eating. The mothers all sat finishing their drinks. When they had paid they picked their children up and they left. Not one of them was told off! I can't help but get annoyed with this kind of thing as we are trying to teach DS how to behave well and then he sees that kind of behaviour. AIBU?

Mine have library cards too, they are 2, 4, and 6?! I hardly think anyone would expect them to return their books themselves

op Yabu, brats and shit parents irritate me. I would have said something to the parents, dependng on how much it had bothered me.

YANBU, It's everyone's job to discipline their child(ren) when they don't behave, it's not acceptable behaviour. They should not get away with ruining life for other people.

Wot Worra said. Although even if a child did have SNs it should still not have been allowed to clamber around on top of a restaurant booth when other people are trying to eat their meals in peace.

That is not to say that I don't realise it is harder to stop them or reason with them. Just that that should not be a reason to NOT stop them.

YANBU. There are too many parents who are quite happy to turn a blind eye to their children's behaviour as long as it isn't disturbing them. This lack of awareness or sensitivity to others means they are often the same parents who would be quite happy to complain themselves so if you don't complain they assume you aren't bothered. IME.

They don't realise that others are 'suffering in silence' because they wouldn't. Iyswim.

The other advice is right, you should speak to the parents or the management. I would speak to the management myself, I'd rather they got the earbashing from the other parents than I did!

It's also why we don't eat in 'family' restaurants very often anymore.

And (to the person who mentioned it upthread) it's got nothing to do with children being boys. I get really fed up of reading on here how boys are incapable of behaving in a socially acceptable way. It does all of our sons a huge disservice.

Festive, I am am so with you on this, and if my kids did have special needs I would get royally fucked off with naughty behaviour from others kids being put down to this all the time. Kids who can behave in restaurants theatres etc, can do so because they have been taught to do so, this means lots of times where they have to be removed from the fun, and more importantly, times when the parents have to think, "you know, even although I am having a great time, my kids are ruining other people's lunches, ( or whatever) so we are leaving.

You see it all the time. People can sometimes let their own children run riot just so they can enjoy themselves!

Kids who can behave in restaurants theatres etc, can do so because they have been taught to do so

^^ this

My children get complimented on their behaviour when we're out all the time (yes, even and including my son!) but they weren't born knowing how to behave in restaurants/at meal times. They had to be taught. And the youngest (6) still has to be reminded to be considerate of other people at times, but she can be, she tries and mostly she is.

Sometimes you can teach all you like but your kid is not ready to have mastery yet, some don't even have a basic understanding yet. I don't like the assumption that if a kid doesn't sit down it means they haven't been taught.

Oh and it doesn't sound like the mother ignored it. She might have been ineffective and lazy, who knows seeing as we don't know her, but she didn't ignore it, she came over twice.

Fair point BigBird but I'd be far more understanding if I could see some 'teaching' in progress.

And at 5 or 6 (which is the age the OP thought the other children were) that sort of behaviour shouldn't be being ignored by the parents whether the children 'get it' yet or not.

I think, counter intuitively, it can be harder to control a 6 year old who isn't in the mood than a 2 year old. I know that you should then just go but that can be hard when you have others to consider.

However, this really annoys me too

Yanbu but I see what worra is saying too. There is NO way I would let my kids get away with that kind of Behaviour you mentioned but all kids will do it at some point, no matter how 'good' our parenting is - but they - the parents should have dealt with it.

I think YANBU (although yes it can be very hard and tiring sometimes to get children to behave in restaurants etc and yes the possibility of SN also has to be considered). My bugbear is swimming lessons, there is a waiting area in our local leisure centre where people sit and chat, have a coffee etc while their kids are swimming. There are usually siblings around, and quite often they are just allowed to run round wildly, screaming and demanding things from the vending machines. Some parents are great and sit and read with their kids or whatever but some do just totally ignore them. Drives me bonkers.

I know that you should then just go but that can be hard when you have others to consider.

..and as someone said, you are just seeing a snapshot. It is entirely possible that that mother is usually the type to manage the behaviour but the conversation the mothers are having is one where they find out another friend has breast cancer and they are trying to figure out how to help. I have to admit that even though I have always tried to teach my kids how to behave sometimes there have been other things that have had to come first.

YAB a little bit U, I think. You claim she just ignored 'appalling' behaviour, then in your post you say she came over twice to remove the boy and say sorry, albeit 'muttered'. So she was not doing nothing, was she? Then by the third time maybe she realised that the kids were now very restless and not going to sit quietly, so decided the best thing to do was to finish up their drinks and leave- which they did. You also do not know that none of them were told off. When I have been in similar situations I have bundled them into the car and then given them a telling off then- no point in disturbing the other diners further by doing it there in public. So perhaps they were punished when they got home.

I think you have been quite quick to judge when you don't really know.

BTW both mine sat quietly at restaurants aged 2. By aged 4 it was a different story....................

I think I agree with worra.

YAdefNBU to be irritated by other children's annoying behaviour. Even if their children won't sit down when they're told to, you can actually pin them to the seat or take them outside. It is very annoying not to get to eat your meal in peace. And if hot food is being served, this kind of behaviour is putting the child at risk.

Otoh YABalittleU for seeing this in the context on your own parenting. Your job is precisely to teach your lo that he has to behave according to your standards regardless about what others are doing around him. There will be a lot of that as he grows up. And sometimes you will find that it's other parents who get disgruntled because your family is setting a bad example by not sticking to the rules they have decided on.

Oh, I do get exasperated by this. Please will people try and understand that I know that sometimes there are extenuating circumstances which mean that some children find it more difficult to behave than others. This case however was a group of three five or six years olds climbing, sliding and jumping all over the booths in a restaurant whilst the mothers sat and laughed together and drank their drinks. It didn't seem like there were any serious conversations going on which meant that they could be forgiven for ignoring their children's behaviour. Thank you to the people who support my views - it's good to know other people strive for good behaviour. I know DS is still 2 (nearly 3) but I think that 5/6 is plenty old enough to know how to behave. I'm sure they don't get away with that sort if behaviour at school.

I also wasn't looking for advice on how to tell the staff, children or mothers my opinions. My OP was an observation on general behaviour in public and I wanted to know whether other people get annoyed with bad behaviour going unsanctioned as it can make your own rules seem unfair or unnecessary to your child.

I agree with everything BigBird said.

I agree with Worra. yAB perfectly reasonable right up the the last sentence in both your OP and last post when you become very unreasonable.

It's that attitude that made my life hell when my DS was still in mainstream school.

You need to teach your children how you expect them to behave, regardless of what others are doing and regardless of whether others are sanctioned or not.

YANBU, but the parents will experience the worst spoilt brats when they are older, so they'll get their comeuppance.

Shakira I understand that children with SEN do not behave in the same way in some cases. I have actually worked with lots of children with SEN and so am generally quite good at spotting signs of some SEN. If all three of the children in the restaurant had SEN then I think the parents would have behaved differently. I think parents of children with SEN are much more vigilant in lots of cases. For example, I was walking my dog and a child of ten ran out of the bushes and kicked my dog. His mother ran up and stopped and him and apologised, explains her son had autism. That's a totally different case and an example of a parent being aware and alert.

I understand completely what you mean, OP.

Of course I understand that there are extenuating circumstances but there are people (in my RL experience) who just accept their children's behaviour as inevitable or assume that if no one complains, they are ok with it, or that they want a break and don't care who their children are annoying as long as it's not them for a change.

I think most people are sensitive enough to realise that if a couple of people seem lost in a deep conversation/appear upset that there might be more important things going on, but even then, is it really acceptable to continue to let your children clamber all over the seats/booths around and behind other people? Half hearted removals and "stop that"s don't do anything if there is no consistency or follow up. All it does is teach the child that mum/dad is a mild irritation who will back off if you ignore them for long enough. The parents then think the behaviour is inevitable and so it continues. Often that's a lack of confidence on the parent's part that their child's behaviour can be addressed and that they have the power to do it. Most parents want their children to behave well, some people just don't know how to do it.

Of course we should teach our children how to behave regardless of other people's behaviour, but at 2 children do find it difficult to understand this and I can well understand why the OP might be irritated by it because it just makes an already difficult thing even more difficult. Which most people find irritating.

when our dd was 2 ish to toddler ish we LOVED restuarant with booths so she could stand up and walk on the booth....they prob didnt say anything as thought you wuold be understanding.

dd now at 5 has " impecable" table manners BTW.

I thought you were going to say something about DP who let kids take running jumps on small kids heads - or poke them - or grab babies at soft play when mum isnt loking nad sqeeze them really hard and when the mum of baby is distraught and crying - who did this - naughty boys mum gets all defensive and says nothing nor tells off son!

I thought it was THAT kind of bad behaviur!!! I also take it - it was a family resturant - in which case people who dont want to be disturbed - dont go to a family style resutant where parents with children can relax! go to a gastro pub etc...or somewhere different.

Thank you Folk - beautifully explained.