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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is DP? Gah! Marriage proposal stalemate...

79 replies

Namechange1812 · 18/12/2012 21:57

Since having the DCs I've changed my mind and decided that actually I do want to get married to my DP. He's never been interested in marriage (MIL poisoned him from an early age but it was alright for her to remarry last year ) but agreed with my reasons for wanting to. So I asked if that meant we were getting married then? He got all huffy and said if he said yes to that question then that would ruin his chance of proposing to me! So I said ok and left it at that. Another time during an argument about it he shouted "fine we'll get married if that's what you want!", i replied i didn't want to if that was his proposal, but he told me it was my fault for pushing the issue! I'd like a nice proposal as I don't want to force him to marry me; it has to come from him. But I don't want to wait forever for it.

So now we're in this situation where I can't bring it up or I'll ruin it ( what??) but if I don't mention it will it ever happen? I first brought up the marriage thing about 18 months ago, and we last discussed it about a month ago, still no proposal! One reason he has given me before for this is he says wants to get me an engagement ring (even though I'm not bothered), but I don't see how that will happen for a long time because we're not exactly flush these days!

I have to add that I've said we don't need to get married as long as we can get something drawn up at the solicitors that will basically do a similar thing regarding the legal stuff; he agreed this was fair.

Who IBU here?

OP posts:

dishwashervodkaanddietirnbru · 18/12/2012 21:58

you could always propose to him

squeakytoy · 18/12/2012 22:00

At the risk of sounding old fashioned, I would have forced the issue before having children

CoteDAzur · 18/12/2012 22:00

Well, you know that he doesn't want to get married. And you know that he will only propose to make you happy, against his own wishes.

I'm not sure why you are upset that he hasn't enthusiastically proposed yet.

MorrisZapp · 18/12/2012 22:00

Why does it have to come from him? Why not just talk about it like adults, then agree to get married or not.

PrincessScrumpy · 18/12/2012 22:01

I would wait until after Christmas/New Year before getting huffy (you never know - it is a fairly usual time for proposals)

Hassled · 18/12/2012 22:01

No one's being unreasonable - you have good reasons for wanting to get married and he has what he thinks are good reasons for being decidedly wobbly about it.

It will run and run unless you sit down and have a sensible conversation. You need to establish what is actually going on in his head - are the huffiness and bollocks about a ring stalling tactics on his part because he doesn't want to get married? If so - he needs to tell you. And you need to think about how much that will bother you, and then get yourself to a solicitor re the legalities.

FuckityFuckFuck · 18/12/2012 22:02

Propose to him then

DontmindifIdo · 18/12/2012 22:04

yep, why don't you propose? If you've both agreed to get married and are just waiting for the big 'event' just do it yourself, you could make it really romantic yourself.

Get this out of the way, and then get on with planning your wedding. You can do it simply and you will find a "just witnesses" wedding won't cost you much more than drawing up documents.

Bubblegum78 · 18/12/2012 22:05

I'm very funny about this sort of thing...

I personally would not want to be with a man who DIDN'T want to marry me and all the excuses in the world would not cut it.

The fact that he argues with you about getting married and basically stops you from bringing it up by saying you will ruin it...and then does not propose?

sigh

He clearly doesn't want to get married.

I would sit him down, make it clear this warrants a proper discussion without tantrums and emotional blackmail/excuses, then tell him he needs to seriously think about your relationship in the long term, tell him you love him and marriage is important to you and that you are not inclined to trust a man who does not love you enough to want to be married to you.

Let him stew on it for a bit.

If you can't get him to talk seriously I suggest you put it in letter for him.

Good luck. x

Bluestocking · 18/12/2012 22:06

I'm with Cote on this one. OP. He doesn't want to marry you, for whatever reason. If you don't have wills, you need to get them drawn up asap.

toeworries · 18/12/2012 22:10

squeakytoy

I have an early Christmas present for you!

JumpingJackSprat · 18/12/2012 22:16

sounds like hes dragging his feet if he wanted to propose, he would. from your OP it sounds like you have moved the goalposts so you probably need to have a adult conversation with him re why you feel you should get married vs him not wanting to.

Original poster

Namechange1812 · 18/12/2012 22:16

I don't really want to ask him myself. If it's of his own accord then I wouldn't feel like I was forcing him to so much! It would be so much better coming from him.

Why would he say I was ruining being asked if he has no intention of asking though?

No we don't have wills or anything. Yeah agree should've done this before DCs but honestly didnt understand why it was important then!

OP posts:

McChristmasPants2012 · 18/12/2012 22:18

If he doesn't want to get married then he doesn't want to. There is nothing you can do about it.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 18/12/2012 22:20

"If you don't have wills, you need to get them drawn up asap. " Bluestocking, I'm a bit worried you think there is murder in the air!

Original poster

Namechange1812 · 18/12/2012 22:21

But if I ask him he's going to say yes. He's already said he would - it's him asking me properly that I'm after!

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 18/12/2012 22:22

I hate to say - you left your self wide open and vulnerable.

If he wanted to marry you he would have.

Original poster

Namechange1812 · 18/12/2012 22:23

There may well be murder in the air if he doesn't pull his finger out!

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechange1812 · 18/12/2012 22:24

I know I have Holly
It's knowing what to do next is the problem

OP posts:

MrsRogerSterling · 18/12/2012 22:24

Why does there have to be a proposal? Dh never proposed to me, we decided to get married, it was a mutual decision, we booked in at the town hall and 2 weeks later we were married.

I suppose it all depends on if you want a 'wedding' or to just be married. Nothing wrong with either but you may find him less reluctnat if you keep it simple.

Bluestocking · 18/12/2012 22:27

Oh dear - I wasn't trying to incite OP to murder!
OP, rather than waiting and waiting for a proper proposal from your DP, could you not just propose to him and see what he says?

chrismissymoomoomee · 18/12/2012 22:28

He has never been interested in marriage, you still chose to have a relationship and DC with him. I don't think its fair to expect him to change his views that he was clear about because you have changed yours tbh.

Original poster

Namechange1812 · 18/12/2012 22:28

I just want to be married. He knows I don't want a blingy wedding or anything, he knows I'd actually prefer a registry office job with 2 witnesses.

I wanted a proposal cos that would convince me it was as much his decision as it was mine!

Maybe I've got this all wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechange1812 · 18/12/2012 22:31

Agreed chris so why doesn't he just say no, let's do the solicitor thing instead? Why tell me I'm "ruining" it every time I bring it up? Or make excuses eg wanting a ring?

OP posts:

FredFredGeorge · 18/12/2012 22:32

I'm afraid you are going to have to ask, I would never have asked my DP to marry me, I was completely happy to accept her proposal and would've been for a long time before, but I wouldn't have asked - I simply didn't want to, as you don't want to propose you can presumably see that some people don't want to?

Maybe he's sitting on a forum asking the very same questions as you - waiting to be asked properly and not in an argument or as a discussion on the pros and cons. Or maybe he's just happy to remain a couple without being married secure enough in your love to not need a pointless ceremony and party - particularly if short of cash.

If you really want to be married, just ask!

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