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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is DP? Gah! Marriage proposal stalemate...

79 replies

Namechange1812 · 18/12/2012 21:57

Since having the DCs I've changed my mind and decided that actually I do want to get married to my DP. He's never been interested in marriage (MIL poisoned him from an early age but it was alright for her to remarry last year ) but agreed with my reasons for wanting to. So I asked if that meant we were getting married then? He got all huffy and said if he said yes to that question then that would ruin his chance of proposing to me! So I said ok and left it at that. Another time during an argument about it he shouted "fine we'll get married if that's what you want!", i replied i didn't want to if that was his proposal, but he told me it was my fault for pushing the issue! I'd like a nice proposal as I don't want to force him to marry me; it has to come from him. But I don't want to wait forever for it.

So now we're in this situation where I can't bring it up or I'll ruin it ( what??) but if I don't mention it will it ever happen? I first brought up the marriage thing about 18 months ago, and we last discussed it about a month ago, still no proposal! One reason he has given me before for this is he says wants to get me an engagement ring (even though I'm not bothered), but I don't see how that will happen for a long time because we're not exactly flush these days!

I have to add that I've said we don't need to get married as long as we can get something drawn up at the solicitors that will basically do a similar thing regarding the legal stuff; he agreed this was fair.

Who IBU here?

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 18/12/2012 22:35

Thing is, he doesn't want to get married, but he will get married if you want to. That sounds as good as it gets.

It sounds like if you want the romantic proposal and a man who sees marriage as a romantic thing, then you've got the wrong man. Seems your DP will do the practical side of marriage, a simple ceremony to get the legal protection of marriage, then you should just accept that.

Viviennemary · 18/12/2012 22:36

YANBU to want to get married. But he probably doesn't see why you do if you were quite happy all these years. He will not see the point. So he isn't really being unreasonable either. Some serious talking is needed. But saying that my DH will never do serious talking about the things I'm not happy about.

TwitchyTail · 18/12/2012 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Namechange1812 · 18/12/2012 22:38

That's exactly how it is Dontmind

Aargh so it looks like the general consensus is I have to do it. Eek.

Fred did your DP have a ring when she asked you?

OP posts:

Chubfuddler · 18/12/2012 22:39

I don't understand the "proposal" part of this. You want to get married. Despite his feelings he has agreed to get married. You are engaged. That horse has bolted so to speak.

Start booking stuff. Congratulations.

ImperialBlether · 18/12/2012 22:39

I'm not sure why, but the idea of a man on a forum wondering why his girlfriend doesn't propose to him is VERY unappealing.

Original poster

Namechange1812 · 18/12/2012 22:40

But I was led to believe he wanted to ask me, since I've been ruining it for him all these times

OP posts:

ChristmasNamechangeBridezilla · 18/12/2012 22:42

You've agreed that you are going to get married at some point. Congratulations, you're engaged! Now start finding out which date is good for you both as you'll need to call the registry office .

NamingOfParts · 18/12/2012 22:42

YABBU for not getting the legal stuff sorted - far too many people have all sorts of plans to make wise wills then fail to do so. If you both fail to get this sorted then you are both letting your DCs down.

Nobody can guarantee the future.

Perhaps get a quote for doing the equivalent legals then a quote for a marriage licence?

defineme · 18/12/2012 22:43

I think you need to work on your communication.
It's not important to him so he's never going to get really into the idea-doesn't mean he won't willingly have a low key thing like you're suggesting. Why wouldn't you be happy with that?
Are you holding onto a notion that he doesn't really love you if he doesn't get down on one knee and beg to marry you?
Is this because of social conditioning or is it because he's given you cause to doubt his commitment?
As an aside I don't think it's a pointless ceremony-doesn't marriage really count when it comes to all sorts of things like parental rights/deathbed decisions and so on?
Personally I'd have a calm chat and say that I didn't care about ring/proposal and so forth, appreciate this means more to me than him, but I'd really like to get to the important bit ie living together forever as husband and wife asap so lets book the registry office.

hb84 · 18/12/2012 22:48

I wanted a proposal cos that would convince me it was as much his decision as it was mine!

It's not his decision, though, that's the problem. I feel for you but I don't think you should push this. If he proposes to you, it won't really be because he wants to but because he wants to get you off his back, and he'll resent you for it and probably throw it in your face in a very hurtful way during future arguments. Isn't it better to just stay as you are?

zipzap · 18/12/2012 22:55

Can you actually do the full legal thing in wills that happens if you are married?

If (heaven forbid and obviously hoping it doesn't happen for a very very long time!) one of you were to die and you weren't married, as far as I understand it there are significant tax implications - so things like if you shared a house, you would have to pay tax on the half you inherit from him whereas if you were married you wouldn't. and if he were to die intestate then you wouldn't get anything, it would go to your kids (and any of his other offspring or rellies if he has them) according to predefined rules, which could mean that you end up having to sell the house in order to pay the money into the estate so it can be paid out again, albeit taxed if it's over a certain amount.

I'm no expert - but hopefully somebody else on here will be - but I know if you have dc (and planning to spend the rest of your lives together, as much as you can ever do that) it is worth getting married (even if you just do it and then never mention it again) because of the risks to your estate if something should happen to one of you. I know this because of other people I know that have kids and weren't married, looked into it and realised the problems they could have if they weren't married. and who as a result of this legged it to the registry office!

As christmas and new year are coming up, sounds a good reason to hold back to see if any proposal is forthcoming and then maybe on valentines propose yourself if nothing is!!!

good luck and hop you get the proposal you want :)

Dozer · 18/12/2012 23:05

If you are the lower earner or a SAHM and he leaves, you have much more protection financially if married for years.

Men I have known (no DC involved) who pull the "you're ruining it" line but yet not proposed have done different things: proposed a few months after, got married after their partner proposed or organised everything, or left the relationship and swiftly married someone else!

Agree with don'tmindifido, don't think swooning romance is in the offing here, if he is otherwise good to you and you love him etc you may have to settle for legal rights!

FredFredGeorge · 18/12/2012 23:13

Namechange1812 Nope no ring - it's pretty unusual for men to wear engagement rings, but there was nothing, just a proposal and the wedding was done soon after in a registry office with no family invited, just a couple of friends as witnesses.

peaceandlovebunny · 18/12/2012 23:15

at the risk of sounding old fashioned, people should sort this crap out before they shack up.

but, you changed your mind. and it sounds as if you and he get on well, if he's now pouting because he wants to propose to you as a 'surprise'.

tell him he's got three months when you won't mention it at all.

when his times up, propose to him. but if he won't marry you, what are you going to do then?

Sallyingforth · 18/12/2012 23:17

It sounds like he'd prefer not to, or he would actually have asked by now.

HoratiaLovesBabyJesus · 18/12/2012 23:19

You can't get totally equivalent legals, btw. There's tax (eg inheritance and gift) implications that you can't contract.

Sallyingforth · 18/12/2012 23:19

It sounds like he'd prefer not to, or he would actually have asked by now.
Do you really want to persuade him if he's reluctant? That doesn't sound like a recipe for a happy marriage.

Theala · 18/12/2012 23:37

I feel a bit sorry for him actually.

He never wanted to get married, and you presumably agreed to this at the start. But now you want to get married, and you also want him to want to get married. And be happy and 'romantic' about it!

knackeredknees · 19/12/2012 00:22

Can it really be a proposal when you are already married in all but name? Surely it's just a joint decision.

marcopront · 19/12/2012 00:23

Maybe he wants to propose at Christmas or New Year, so wait. It's only a month since you last discussed it.

Pandemoniaa · 19/12/2012 00:28

Why would he say I was ruining being asked if he has no intention of asking though?

Because it keeps you hanging on, unable to bring the subject up again while getting him off the hook.

I don't think he's got any intention of proposing. Because basically, I don't think he wants to get married.

I'd also ask why you want to marry a man who is clearly unwilling to get married. I know I wouldn't.

KRITIQ · 19/12/2012 00:53

Just talk about it. Ask him to be open and honest, genuinely so, and you do the same. Be prepared though to hear what you don't want to hear - that for whatever reason, he might not actually want to be married, even if you do.

People change over time, sometimes growing closer, sometimes apart. It just happens and it's no one's fault. You were meh about marriage at the start of the relationship. Now you want to be married. He may or may not have gone in the same direction. Is it perhaps that you are afraid of asking in case the answer isn't the one you want? What happens if he doesn't want to be married? Is that a dealbreaker for the relationship? Putting off discussing it won't make a difference to his answer, but it's likely to make you feel anxious, continuously, and that's not a good thing for either of you.

Kiwiinkits · 19/12/2012 06:51

Namechange I totally get why you want a "proposal", I really do. You want to feel like you are unique, special, worthy, the only woman in the world for him. A proposal is a very romantic and wonderful thing. You're allowed to want that, really you are. I just think that perhaps this man just isn't wired that way. He probably shows you he loves you in other, more practical ways? And he probably feels that since you are in many respects living as man and wife that a "proposal" is a bit squeamish, a bit gauche. Ask him.

Kiwiinkits · 19/12/2012 06:52

(Subtext: I think you are basically engaged. I'd just book the venue, for three months time, and tell him that you're about to send invites out, who would he like to invite)

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