To be really dreading my friend staying with me this weekend because of all her bad habits and my uptightedness?

[Mumbelievable]

My friend (who i've known since we were both 4) is coming up to stay with me this weekend - Saturday night through to Sunday evening. She wants to see me and dd and exchange gifts. She lives several hours' drive away.

I love my friend to bits, and I'm really excited about seeing her, but the thought of her actually sleeping over in my house - and staying here for over a full day - is filling me with dread.

I feel like a right cow posting this, but i don't think i'll get appropriate advice unless i paint the full picture.

She has really poor personal hygiene (doesn't wash hands after the loo, doesn't brush her teeth, only showers once a week, has really greasy hair, and smells (sorry for tmi) like she has a vaginal infection (fish-like). (Concerned she might have an STI actually as she had a one-night stand last year, but she won't go to doctor).

She's quite open about this and admits she doesn't care as she's perfectly happy the way she is and doesn't see the point spending lots of time making herself look presentable for other people.

She passes gas constantly. And the smell is horrendous. She laughs about this.

She helps herself to food from my cupboards/fridge etc. Which i don't mind, but she eats almost half my weekly shop each time she visits. Whenever i've asked her not to take so much, she goes into a huff and begrudgingly orders in a takeaway instead, whilst telling my i'm a bad hostess. Bearing in mind i provide a dinner and also buy in lots of snacks etc for her when she visits. She has her own designated cupboard of stuff escpecially for her, but she always strays into mine and dd's other foodstuffs that's supposed to last the week.

She is too big for my couch, so has to sleep in my bed, which i'm actually really worried about as she broke my last one (it was cheap wood though). This one's metal, but still not very strong and i'm worried this one won't be strong enough for her either. And i can't afford to get another one at this time of year.

She also passes wind a lot in her sleep and the smells gets right into my sheets. And my last matress ended up stained from her (i think it was sweat/make-up).

I realise i'm going to get a lot of replies along the lines of 'you're a bitch', 'you don't sound like a good friend' etc, and i hope you'll understand when i don't respond to these posts. Because i know i'm not a bitch, and i'm trying to be a good friend, which is why i'm seeking advice.

Whenever she visits, she normally stays with her parents (who live around the corner from me), but they're doing a house swap thing this Christmas with a couple from Ireland.

I love spending time with my friend. Just not long periods of time in my house. And i can't go to hers because of DD's special needs.

I'm a bit of a clean freak, and sometimes get anxious easily, so her bad habits are probably a bigger deal to me than a normal/sane person.

I'd appreciate any advice on how to get through the weekend. I honestly don't think i can just grin and bear it again. I've tried talking to her, and she just shrugs it off and tells me not to be so uptight and boring.

Sorry if this has offended anyone. I'm prepared for a heap of biscuits getting hurled at me, but I'd prefer some constructive replies. I'm a bit weepy about this so hope no one's too harsh.

YANBU.....but....

You and your friend need to have a talk. Personal hygene has been a deal breaker in lots of relationships.

The food thing wouldn't bother me too much, ok I can eat a lot too, but fishy farty smells lingering in my bed....noooooooo

Have you posted about this before OP?

It sounds like thread I read a while back.

As far as the food thing goes perhaps you should just say that money is a bit tight and you have planned out the meals etc. for a week?

The poor personal hygiene thing - could she be depressed?

Hi, no i've not posted about her before.

She's not depressed (as far as i know) as she's always had the same attitude about personal hygiene all through school etc.

I've tried talking to her about, but it always ends the same. I end up feeling and looking like a cow, while she gets annoyed with me/looks hurt. But nothing changes.

I've explained that food is tight etc, and she says that i should have got more stuff in then since i was expecting guests.

I was thinking about suggesting we all go to a hotel a few streets from me. Maybe say it's a treat for dd. But i'm not sure she'll go for this.

She sounds very hard to be around. I think you need to be straight with her if her personal hygiene is really that bad. It is one thing not being too bothered about your appearance, but she sounds like she is taking it to an extreme!

I have pets (my house is usually a bit muddy), when i go camping i wear "dirty" clothes to walk in, as it would be a waste of time to put clean clothes on.

However. i wash myself. My kitchen and bathroom are clean, so are our beds. I wouldn't be friends with someone who deliberatly has bad personal hygiene (not busy/depressed/mobility problem related).

She certainly wouldn't be staying in my bed. There is no excuse for lackof hand washing or the STI issue.

You are cutting her too much slack.

Live how you want in your own home,but in other people's houses,you show respect and if anything,up your own standards,whilst there.

She needs bounderies and it is then her choice whether she visits.

Make something up?

Your beds broken, your neighbours house has flooded and is dripping into yours, your boilers broken...anything.

Surely it's kinder to make something up and stay at a hotel with her (tell her how excited you are) rather than risk offending her, or making yourself miserable.

I couldn't cope with that either, and there's not a chance she'd be sleeping in my bed.

Tell her your central heating has broken and you've booked a hotel mid-way between yours and hers. You can have "the talk" another time... no point ruining what's meant to be a nice celebration. No biscuit-hurling from me btw... I would feel just the same!

God she sounds very rude as in 'you should have got more food in', 'you're a bad hostess' and gets huffy when you ask her not to take so much.

She certainly has issues of some sort, not brushing teeth and offensive body odour goes beyond being just not caring about being presentable to others.

Can you afford a hotel, would she offer to go halves on a meal or expect you to pay?

Cross posts Caja !

Sorry OP - there was a very similar thread a while back so I just wondered

Definitely agree that not washing hands after the loo etc. (or any washing at all)is an absolute no-no. Has she never heard of Norovirus?

And then she presumably roots around amongst your food cupboards .... nice.

She actually sounds like an awful lot of hard work - is she amazingly lovely in other concrete ways?

how forthright are you OP?

Would you be able to say to her 'why don't you jump in the shower now?' and if she says no, then you say to her 'I'd like you to because you're a little bit whiffy. thanks.'

Invent a bad back as the reason she can't use your bed & get her to stay in the hotel. Your new bed has a special mattress that the osteopath recommended......

Put all the food you don't want her to eat in a cupboard that your dd could reach & then put a lock on it to 'stop dd helping herself'. Don't buy the fresh food that you are planning to eat later in the week, aim to do another shop after she leaves. Sounds like she is a larger lady, so perhaps does have a bigger appetite than you normally cater for, or is used to doing a lot of grazing between meals - buy accordingly!

In what way is she a good friend? What do you like about her?

Umm
She sounds revolting, and really fucking rude. I'm not sure I could maintain a friendship with her, and I certainly couldn't handle her in my house for 24 hours. Gross.

If you're not going to tell her not to come (which I would, btw!) here's a few suggestions.

Can you get one of those beds made out of 3 cushions, that folds up into a seat, they are about £40 I think (if I were you I'd not be able to get back into my bed after she had slept in it!)

Also perhaps use a very cheap sleeping bag (that you can boil wash/throw out afterwards). Cover the folding bed with a couple of cheap throws to protect it.

Re the food - how does she dip into your food without you seeing? Can you not say "Leave that please, it's for tomorrow's dinner - here's some cheese and crackers if you're peckish". Also show her where "her" food is, tell her you've got it in specially, tell her to help herself to it, and also tell her when meals/elevenses are, and what they are going to be (so she's got no excuse!). If you do find she has somehow nicked your food (which I think is horrendous bad manners - I wouldn't dream of this as a guest! In fact I was babysitting on Sat night for my sis and she told me to help myself, so I judged what she had most of and had SOME - not all! of it, so that she wouldn't go short), ask her to replace it. Just say "Oh I've nothing in for tomorrow's dinner now, will you pop to the shops and get X to replace the X you had, you wouldn't want DD to go hungry would you."

I worked with someone with similar issues (definitely not depression or medical) who was being disciplined over her lack of hygiene (she was spoken to informally several times, made an effort each time for a few weeks, slipped back into her old ways - which were so bad that people didn't want to sit next to her, and you could tell if she had been in a room earlier that day...).

The girl in question ended up leaving (for another reason altogether) but she was undermining her own career, and even though she was a lovely person, people were beginning to resent her as her odour problem was causing them so much hassle (think colleagues having to go home early due to feeling sick from inhaling the smell), and also they resented her because when she did make an effort it was obvious that she was ABLE to be clean and nice smelling, but just didn't want to bother.

I think your friend is being very disrespectful if you've mentioned it before and she refuses to change - you are actually doing her a favour by telling her. However, as I said at the beginning, I wouldn't have the filthy mare in my house! (said as someone who got up Sunday morning, did 6 hrs of housework in PJ's while fake tan developed, and didn't have her daily shower till 4pm!)

Book her a B and B?

Just wrote a long reply which got eaten by crashed web... jist was -

I'm struggling to understand why you're friends with a smelly rude person who damages your home?

Salmotrutta I was thinking the same thing - there was a similar thread a while back.

OP YANBU at all but it's an awkward situation. Personally I wouldn't allow someone with that kind of hygiene to sleep in my house (and believe me I am the messiest person alive, not a clean freak). She probably has many lovely qualities but she sounds rude and selfish too. Maybe she sees herself as liberal and unfettered and bucking convention - but the hygiene stuff is just plain gross. I think you would be perfectly reasonable to either let her sleep on sofa / airbed on floor or tell her to have a bloody shower if you are being good enough to give up your bed!

Yanbu

Book hotel. Central heating broken and fun for DD good idea!!

Arghhhhhhhhhhh! Typed reply and Mumsnet ate it!!

Try again:
You're not a bitch, you're a saint! No way would I put up with that. Did she offer to replace your bed? (mind boggles at how it broke!!)
Are her habits why her parents have house-swapped?
There is no excuse in this day and age for such foul habits - expecially with the prevalence of the nonovirus. Does your DD have health issues as well as SN?
What do her other friends/colleagues think about her?
I'd be having stern words. It's not acceptable at all!
What do you actually get out of the friendship?

What Eric said.

YANBU at all

I think any reasonable person would not be happy in your place, honestly. You're not being bitchy.

How often does she come visit? If it's once a year, well, mayyyyyybe you could just try to suck it up, if you do enjoy her friendship. It's 24 hours. Light a bunch of scented candles while she's around, get a mattress protector, buy a bunch of cheap food and nothing too nice she can raid... can you dismantle the bed and let her sleep on the mattress on the floor?

It's a lot to ask so it's worth thinking about how much you want to continue the friendship. How would you feel if you weren't friends anymore?

If it's something you're willing to risk, then just be straight with her.

It must be having a negative impact on her life generally, with work, relationships?

I'm actually feeling sorry for the people who are house swapping with her parents!

YANBU - OP - I couldn't bear it and I don't understand that she hasn't given in to social pressure to clean up her act given that she's not depressed or anything. I can't understand why anybody would like being dirty! I feel so good after a nice hot shower.

I would lie and say you and DD both have bad flu and so she had better not vivit.

I would not want to be friends with somebody who had such bad personal hygiene and manners personally.