To be really dreading my friend staying with me this weekend because of all her bad habits and my uptightedness?

[Mumbelievable]

My friend (who i've known since we were both 4) is coming up to stay with me this weekend - Saturday night through to Sunday evening. She wants to see me and dd and exchange gifts. She lives several hours' drive away.

I love my friend to bits, and I'm really excited about seeing her, but the thought of her actually sleeping over in my house - and staying here for over a full day - is filling me with dread.

I feel like a right cow posting this, but i don't think i'll get appropriate advice unless i paint the full picture.

She has really poor personal hygiene (doesn't wash hands after the loo, doesn't brush her teeth, only showers once a week, has really greasy hair, and smells (sorry for tmi) like she has a vaginal infection (fish-like). (Concerned she might have an STI actually as she had a one-night stand last year, but she won't go to doctor).

She's quite open about this and admits she doesn't care as she's perfectly happy the way she is and doesn't see the point spending lots of time making herself look presentable for other people.

She passes gas constantly. And the smell is horrendous. She laughs about this.

She helps herself to food from my cupboards/fridge etc. Which i don't mind, but she eats almost half my weekly shop each time she visits. Whenever i've asked her not to take so much, she goes into a huff and begrudgingly orders in a takeaway instead, whilst telling my i'm a bad hostess. Bearing in mind i provide a dinner and also buy in lots of snacks etc for her when she visits. She has her own designated cupboard of stuff escpecially for her, but she always strays into mine and dd's other foodstuffs that's supposed to last the week.

She is too big for my couch, so has to sleep in my bed, which i'm actually really worried about as she broke my last one (it was cheap wood though). This one's metal, but still not very strong and i'm worried this one won't be strong enough for her either. And i can't afford to get another one at this time of year.

She also passes wind a lot in her sleep and the smells gets right into my sheets. And my last matress ended up stained from her (i think it was sweat/make-up).

I realise i'm going to get a lot of replies along the lines of 'you're a bitch', 'you don't sound like a good friend' etc, and i hope you'll understand when i don't respond to these posts. Because i know i'm not a bitch, and i'm trying to be a good friend, which is why i'm seeking advice.

Whenever she visits, she normally stays with her parents (who live around the corner from me), but they're doing a house swap thing this Christmas with a couple from Ireland.

I love spending time with my friend. Just not long periods of time in my house. And i can't go to hers because of DD's special needs.

I'm a bit of a clean freak, and sometimes get anxious easily, so her bad habits are probably a bigger deal to me than a normal/sane person.

I'd appreciate any advice on how to get through the weekend. I honestly don't think i can just grin and bear it again. I've tried talking to her, and she just shrugs it off and tells me not to be so uptight and boring.

Sorry if this has offended anyone. I'm prepared for a heap of biscuits getting hurled at me, but I'd prefer some constructive replies. I'm a bit weepy about this so hope no one's too harsh.

Well, I wasn't reading that thinking "OP's a bitch", I was thinking "OP's friend is a total minger with bad manners to boot".

I just wouldn't have her to stay. Sorry, unhelpful, but I wouldn't. It sounds horrible and disruptive for you. There's a difference between not being enslaved to the beauty myth and taking the minimal precautions to make sure you're not fucking dirty and infected. I couldn't be doing with it in my house, and I am no clean freak.

And that's even without the fact that she eats your and your DD's (!) food. I can't imagine how self-centred you'd have to be to snaffle food from a child, FGS.

She wouldn't be in my bed that's for sure! And smelly etc... Non hygienic - with all the d&v about plus a suspected untreated sti?

Well, I wouldn't have invited her anyway, why did you? Was it a moment of madness? but now it's done you either uninvite her by saying you have double booked with a relative and you will be away now, or ask her if you can meet halfway at a nice hotel and just do sat night, but coming up to Christmas this might be difficult and hotels full/ expensive/ full of revellers:)

Is she an old friend who is always in your life or someone from way back you catch up with now and then? And yes to bed on floor with old mattress and asking if she could wash... Really, sounds very selfish, does she work? I'm surprised her mum and dad didn't invite her to Ireland? Have they really gone away?:)

Not washing hands after using the loo is not bad personal hygiene, it's a health risk! Ew, imagine her going through the food cupboards with poo germs all over her hands.

You cannot let her stay if she's not going to at least be hygienic. If you do make up an excuse then that will do for this visit, but what about the next? I think you are going to have to tackle this and I don't envy you. She sounds quite thick-skinned though so maybe you'll be able to talk to her without upsetting her? Good luck.

Does she have other friends that she behaves like this with as far as you know?

And I wouldn't be bothered about confronting and upsetting her. She clearly doesn't give a toss about the OP's feelings!

Just cancel, and say you are not feeling well, and that you should rearrange for the new year sometime. Then don't.

I couldn't bear it. And I am no clean freak!

If you cancel today, then it is plenty of time for her to arrange to do something else. Not last min, as that would be mean.

YANBU she sounds awful.

BIL is coming to stay over Christmas and he has very poor personal hygiene, but there are reasons for it and at least he doesn't have to sleep on our bed !
I get him to strip off his own bedding and put it in the washing machine before he leaves because I can't bear to touch it or smell it after he has slept in it ( obviously I don't share that information with him . But he at least is family , he is grateful for anything I cook and it makes DH happy to have him there.

I absolutely would not let someone like that sleep on my bed. Even if she doesn't manage to break it, it's going to stink. I'd either cancel or see if you can find a very cheap B&B or hotel near by, I wouldn't worry too much about the standard of it but I'd rather stump up the £40-£50 to have her out of the house.

No flaming from me OP, she sounds rude and selfish to me.

"She helps herself to food from my cupboards/fridge etc. Which i don't mind, but she eats almost half my weekly shop each time she visits."
Any chance you could have in the house just what you need until Sunday evening (plus Monday breakfast) and delay your weekly shop until Monday? Plus, that is a serious amount of food to get through. You say you buy in snacks etc, how about restricting that too, to a couple of packets of biscuits (surely more than enough for a 24 hour visit)? She can't trough what isn't there, and frankly if she's eating that much, she should be putting her hand in her pocket and bringing the snacks etc. with her.

"She's quite open about [her poor personal hygiene] and admits she doesn't care as she's perfectly happy the way she is and doesn't see the point spending lots of time making herself look presentable for other people."
It's not about looking presentable to other people though, is it? It's about not making people around you, who you presumably care for, gag at the smell of you . Personally, I think she's lying when she says she's perfectly happy; she just doesn't want to talk about it and is deflecting. You say she's too big for your couch, broke your bed, and hoovers out all the food from your fridge - I take it she is morbidly obese? Is this perhaps why she won't go to her GP - she fears being lectured on how her weight is affecting her. Because her health must be pretty awful - all that farting would indicate a potential gut problem, plus the fishy smell you think might be an STI - maybe a UTI, not brushing her teeth=probably gum disease - this woman needs to take more care of herself for her health's sake. Any effect on her appearance is fairly irrelevant in the grans scheme of things.

You say you've known each other since you were 4, shewas like this at school too, her parents live around the corner from you - what are they like, since they presumably raised her this way?

grand scheme of things.

Nightmare, I'm terribly at telling lies but I think I would go with a broken boiler, stay in a B&B.

Call her and tell he the boiler has broken.

Could you ever tell her the real reason?

"I love you dearly but I'm struggling when you don't shower because it really leaves a nasty smell that stays in the room, I think you are a lovely person but this is actually a real problem for me and I don't want you staying over night unless you take a shower now and before bed"

Agh that would be such a hard conversation to have but....

How extraordinary, the giant, smelly, voracious friend. She sounds like a Roald Dahl character.

How can she eat half a week's food in one day? Do you eat like sparrows? Does she do vast amounts of sport? The only people I've met who can eat like that are very active young men who are still growing / broadening.

I'd certainly be explaining when and what the meals are and pointing her at cereal, bread and cheese, instant noodles or maybe some frozen chips, if she's starving between meals. Do you cook nice meals? Surely it's obvious you have gone to some effort as a hostess, so you can rebut those comments quite easily?

I can't believe you thought anyone would flame you for this. I honestly think your sense of what is acceptable most be skewed because she sounds vile and rude. There's no way she'd even get past my front door.

Whereyouleftit That's a good point about the doctors. Maybe the "You're a bad hostess" thing is more deflection (if it's otherwise not in character), because the alternative would be to admit that OP is a perfectly good hostess and she (the friend) just eats a hell of a lot of food.

Are you sure she doesn't have mental health issues? It's been going on a long time, but that doesn't mean it's 'normal'. It is not normal behaviour to not wash, not seek treatment for potential illness etc.. The eating a lot and wind are just things some people do, but in combination with the other things I'd be quite worried about her. And I wouldn't want her staying in my bed.

I think it's not a coincidence that her parents are away for her visit. Perhaps they cannot stand the smell either so have done something about it (gone away).

The OP must think of a reason for her friend not to stay or have meals in her house.

I think there is only one solution to this - to talk to her directly.

What's the point in making up excuses? You will have to lie again and again with ever more stress-making ludicrous scenarios.

Just be straight, yes it will take a deep breath and a lot of bracing yourself to form the first sentence - but what have you got to lose? You can't go in like this, it's completely intolerable. You said yourself she is open, almost brazen about her disgusting habits. So doesn't sound to me like she would e particularly offended - I think she is beyond that.

Talk to her - redefine the boundaries of your relationship. You have done this for her all this time - can she change her boundaries for your friendship? If not then you have your answer.

I'd just be straight with her and say until she sorts out hygiene issues she's not coming to stay. Unless she has depression/health problems in which case I would be more sensitive

Buy a cheap air mattress and cheap sheets if you can afford it, so at least you can keep your bed.

Empty your cupboards of as much as possible (maybe store some stuff elsewhere) and if you haven't already been shopping, don't.

No other suggestions really if you actually want to see her.

I think you should book a hotel half way between yours and hers and tell her that you and DD fancied a pre-christmas treat. It wont solve all the problems, but it will sort a good half of them!

You sound far too nice and should probably just 'tell it like it is' really, but it's not easy to do.

Thanks for the replies (and for not flaming me ).

She truly is a wonderful friend. She's been my support through some tough times, and she's a good laugh. She's kind, great with dd, and is nice and chatty.

She's not vile or rude. I think it's just because we've known each other so long, she feels there's no boundaries between us. She can totally let go and be at ease around me.

Whenever i mention her BO or anything, she'll just say 'stop being silly. it's not that bad'. and then when i push to explain it really is that bad, she'll get defensive, saying there's no point wasting time bathing/showering just for me.

She does work, but alone in a very small stall, so no work colleagues etc to complain about her. She lives alone, and has had two boyfriends (that i've never met), but they only lasted a few weeks.

Her parents are actually very nice, and so is their house. I can remember going round there as a teen and her mum moaning about how hard it is to get my friend away from the TV and into a bath.

I have one of those fold out 3-piece things (from a chair to a bed) but think it's a child's so no good.

I think i'll just leave my weekly shop (i normally do it Fridays) and just get in a few bits for the weekend. But i don't want her thinking i haven't made an effort for her coming.

She comes to visit every few weeks, but rarely sleeps over. I don't want to cause any upset just before Christmas, so I'll not be too outright with her again just yet.

What are her parents like?

"But i don't want her thinking i haven't made an effort for her coming."

She doesn't make an effort though.

You are obviously polar opposites! I suggest you delay your weekly shop. Also don't put your weekly food in the cupboards - just keep it in the bedroom. Anything you have to put in the fridge, wrap it up in a plastic bag with the works Xmas day only on it.

Put a plastic sheet on the bed.

Can you run her a few baths with nice bubbles and candles so she can enjoy a wind down. Maybe you could have one first and then present her with her own special bubbly bath soak as a treat. If the bath his full of water ready for her, she really has little option. Could also do paper face masks, feet soak, hair washing and straightening etc .

No it's not easy - but what are the alternatives? To tolerate the intolerable? To have to lie? If she is a true friend then she will at least listen to op, if not act upon it.

I would do it by phone not email, and just say Look friend, I'm so sorry but I need to to talk to you about something so important, it's really really hard for me to have to discuss this with you and I would do anything than hurt you, I love you bu I am DREADING the upcoming visit ....I'm dying to see you but I can't cope wih the fallout from your living habits.

She will know what you mean, if she does probe then say, well you know yourself you don't like to waste time on preening, I find it uncomfortable when you break wind etc. also the food situation, I've explained I buy in extra snacks etc for you and cannot afford to spend more but you ignored me on this last time. I want you to know that I love you dearly and can't wait to see you but it has to be on different terms.

Sorry I'm supposed to be working, but you get he picture.

Tell her she can only stay if she promises to shower every day?