To be really dreading my friend staying with me this weekend because of all her bad habits and my uptightedness?

[Mumbelievable]

My friend (who i've known since we were both 4) is coming up to stay with me this weekend - Saturday night through to Sunday evening. She wants to see me and dd and exchange gifts. She lives several hours' drive away.

I love my friend to bits, and I'm really excited about seeing her, but the thought of her actually sleeping over in my house - and staying here for over a full day - is filling me with dread.

I feel like a right cow posting this, but i don't think i'll get appropriate advice unless i paint the full picture.

She has really poor personal hygiene (doesn't wash hands after the loo, doesn't brush her teeth, only showers once a week, has really greasy hair, and smells (sorry for tmi) like she has a vaginal infection (fish-like). (Concerned she might have an STI actually as she had a one-night stand last year, but she won't go to doctor).

She's quite open about this and admits she doesn't care as she's perfectly happy the way she is and doesn't see the point spending lots of time making herself look presentable for other people.

She passes gas constantly. And the smell is horrendous. She laughs about this.

She helps herself to food from my cupboards/fridge etc. Which i don't mind, but she eats almost half my weekly shop each time she visits. Whenever i've asked her not to take so much, she goes into a huff and begrudgingly orders in a takeaway instead, whilst telling my i'm a bad hostess. Bearing in mind i provide a dinner and also buy in lots of snacks etc for her when she visits. She has her own designated cupboard of stuff escpecially for her, but she always strays into mine and dd's other foodstuffs that's supposed to last the week.

She is too big for my couch, so has to sleep in my bed, which i'm actually really worried about as she broke my last one (it was cheap wood though). This one's metal, but still not very strong and i'm worried this one won't be strong enough for her either. And i can't afford to get another one at this time of year.

She also passes wind a lot in her sleep and the smells gets right into my sheets. And my last matress ended up stained from her (i think it was sweat/make-up).

I realise i'm going to get a lot of replies along the lines of 'you're a bitch', 'you don't sound like a good friend' etc, and i hope you'll understand when i don't respond to these posts. Because i know i'm not a bitch, and i'm trying to be a good friend, which is why i'm seeking advice.

Whenever she visits, she normally stays with her parents (who live around the corner from me), but they're doing a house swap thing this Christmas with a couple from Ireland.

I love spending time with my friend. Just not long periods of time in my house. And i can't go to hers because of DD's special needs.

I'm a bit of a clean freak, and sometimes get anxious easily, so her bad habits are probably a bigger deal to me than a normal/sane person.

I'd appreciate any advice on how to get through the weekend. I honestly don't think i can just grin and bear it again. I've tried talking to her, and she just shrugs it off and tells me not to be so uptight and boring.

Sorry if this has offended anyone. I'm prepared for a heap of biscuits getting hurled at me, but I'd prefer some constructive replies. I'm a bit weepy about this so hope no one's too harsh.

Next time meet in a B&B where you have separate bedrooms. (Although poor B&B owners.)

From what you've said in second post I think Whereyouleftit is right and she has screamingly big issues. If she's not usually rude and vile it's quite startling that she's being rude and vile in these very specific limited ways. Like fuck is she "happy" being like this. It's not remotely normal or nice to tell someone you're supposed to love that "there's no point wasting time bathing/showering just for them."

Still, you sound like you're talking yourself into putting up with it, so if you think you can cope and it really is a one-off, then fine.

Her parents are realtively healthy and very well kept. I honestly don't know where my friend inherited her habits from.

Hotel next to me is booked up. . They have one room left (double) but it's £97 for one night! I don't really want to travel any further with dd.

Okay - leave my weekly shop until Monday, making sure friend's cupboard is nice and full and there's food for the weekend.

Try and make a makeshift bed on the living room floor. I'll just buy some cheap double duvets which can be chucked out afterwards.

Leave the living room window opened a crack.

Inisist she takes a shower/brushes her teeth before getting into bed (and throw a strop if she doesn't).

Tell her she must wash hands regularly because i don't want to risk dd getting sick for Christmas.

But i know she'll end up saying she's too tired, she can't be bothered, she'll have a shower in the morning etc. It's the same old cycle.

You say "I don't want to cause any upset just before Christmas" but it seems to me that she is causing you upset. I don't know what the answer is, though.

I think that email is a good idea, GeneHunts. I'll wait and see how this visit goes. If it goes badly, i'll send her the email after the New Year, in preparation for any future visits.

It must be filthy where she lives under the bridge

Ask her cheerfully to indulge you. She can see it as utterly silly and as humouring you, fine. You could say your dd has been going through a phase of not washing properly and you want to set a consistent example (that could backfire totally, if your dd contradicts you, or the friend tries to gang up with her and undermine you, no doubt humorously).

I still don't understand how she can eat so much, or how she can fail to appreciate the meals you prepare, while you, similarly, feel she may think you haven't made an effort. Do you make some effort with meals and make things guests will enjoy? Or is there some justification for thinking you haven't? I can't think of a friend who does not, obviously, make an effort to cook nice meals for guests. There's something I'm not getting on that point (could just be the extremity of her no holds barred bluntness and abnormal appetite).

Agree with others saying this is outside the range of normal.

Having said that, if you could afford to spring for a hotel, not sure what the problem is with buying enough food for her. If she's consistent in this pattern then you know what you're letting yourself in for and I think a host should have food for guests in whatever quantities they eat it (if you can afford to). I do agree with others thiugh who as that helping herself when she's been asked not to is plain rude.

Could you get a waterproof matress protector (will keep yourmattress fresh) and buy cheap pillows, duvet and sheets/covers(tesco value?) that you can chuck when shes gone or wash and keep in a bag/binliner until her next visit!

I would also box up and hide any food you dont want eaten by her.

i have read this before smelly, fat farting mate

So, OP, How did she break the bed?
Is she somewhat obese?
And I wouldn't describe anyone that thoughtless/greedy as 'kind'.

Why don't you just lie. Call her up the day before she is due to visit and tell you've all got a vomiting bug, problem solved.

why are you friends with her?

she must have some really nice qualities to put up with allof that!

Smelly and rude arent things i look for in a friend.

I've already explained why I'm friends with her. She just lacks personal hygiene, and is a bit 'too at ease' around me. Not enough reason to dump a friend imo.

And she is making a lot of effort by coming out to see me so often, knowing i can't go to her.

I meal plan, so only buy in what i need. And as there's only me and dd, a weekly shop isn't that much.

Last time my friend was here from 10am - 7pm, she ate a full multipack of mini cereals, multipack of crisps, and filled a large baking tray of freezer stuff (chicken nuggets etc). And that was on top of the meals i had bought in for us all, and things from her own cupboard.

I think the meals i make for her are okay. I'm making curry for the Sat night dinner, then doing a roast Sunday lunchtime as she's leaving around 5pm. I'll do her a fry up for breakfast and probably some baguettes for lunch.

I like the idea of making her up a bath, because she will have just come in from a long drive so might be tempted.

The old bed broke because the wooden panels at the bottom cracked in the middle. It was only a cheap thing anyway, so wasn't particularly sturdy, but i still had to pay out for a new one and a matress. I just don't want the same thing to happen again which is why i'd prefer her to not be on a matress or bed. But this will make me look incredibly rude.

Plead norovirus and cancel until you feel ready to have the Conversation. You don't have to just put up with this.

Make you look rude?
Not in comparison, OP.

"she ate a full multipack of mini cereals, multipack of crisps, and filled a large baking tray of freezer stuff (chicken nuggets etc). And that was on top of the meals i had bought in for us all, and things from her own cupboard."

Over what length of time? It sounds like she has some serious eating issues on top of her other "endearing" qualities. You say she doesn't have any mental issues, but I'm not so sure.

Last time my friend was here from 10am - 7pm, she ate a full multipack of mini cereals, multipack of crisps, and filled a large baking tray of freezer stuff (chicken nuggets etc). And that was on top of the meals i had bought in for us all, and things from her own cupboard.

Is she morbidly obese? Why do you provide her with a cupboard full of food for just one day visit?!

It's a rubbish situation OP, but I agree with the waterproof sheet, under old sheets, if you must give her your bed, and the limited shop[ping, you can still make an effort for the meals you cook, but she can't snack it all then.

However, you can't keep doing this, I agree Christmas may not be the time to tackle it, but in the New Year, I really think you should say something, to make her take you seriously! Something along the lines of ....If you do come to stay again, we will have to work on X,X and X That's what a good friend will do, tell you the hard stuff! Good luck :)

Gosh, how awkward for you. It's very hard to believe that she can be happy like that. In some ways my mum is similar to your friend but on a much more copable with scale (very obsese, doesn't shower enough, smells slightly sometimes) and, although I can't bring myself to have 'the conversation' I know she isn't happy this way. She basically gave up caring for herself after my Dad died because she feels there is no point. But she would definitely be happier if she did, I just know she would. Are you sure it's not denial in your friend? Is she lonely? Sometimes depression can be quite hard to see, even for the sufferer themselves. It doesn't have to mean you feel 'down' as such, it can represent as tiredness, apathy and lack of interest in specific things (such as personal hygiene)

I really admire you still having her to stay and having so much time for her. I honestly don't know if I could deal with it, especially the hand washing, farting and being in my bed thing.

If she's so relaxed around you that she feels there are no boundaries left could you not treat her in the same way - ie tell her (lightheartedly) that you don't care if she doesn't see the point in being clean, she's stinking up the house and has to get in the shower now? Though I can imagine how difficult it would be to make that sound non offensive.

Ugh, the idea of touching somebody's hands who never washes them after the loo and only showers once a week is appalling. And she touches your daughter too presumably. Far from flaming you, I am full of admiration. I just don't think I could.

Oops, I didn't read the post properly. Your friend has a massive eating problem, she needs help. I would hide all the food away except the meals you intend to provide.

I couldn't be friends with someone that was so different from myself. I would feel constantly ill around her. She sounds slovenly and disrespectful of your feelings. I am sorry but you are a good friend. she does not sound like a good friend.

Iknow you say she has supported you through some tough times and is a good laugh but that would not be enough for me.

I think you either have to accept her as she is or no longer be such good friends that require sleep overs. Sorry - you seem lovely.

She is overweight, yes, but i wouldn't say morbidly obese as i don't know what that is. (She's a size 24 in clothes).

I introduced her own cupboard of stuff when i couldn't cope with her going through my entire kitchen looking for snacks. (I have all my cupboards arranged nicely and she'd rummage through them messing them up - this is where my uptightedness comes to play ).

It's only a little side cupboard, like the size of one you put dishes in. But i've put snack stuff in there espeically for her to prevent her from taking all mine and dd's things. But it's not exactly worked out that way.

TBH, the food doesn't bother me too much. It's more the smell and my bed i'm concerned with. I've just christmas-cleaned my house, and I work from home too. Her smells lingers for a while after she leaves, it's like it clings to the fabrics like cigarette smoke. I just don't want my customers thinking my house isn't clean.

And i really don't want to fork out for another bed/matress either. I like the sound of an inflatable one. I'll have a look in a while online.