To want to go at dd and my own pace with regards to spending time apart....

[Dinkyblu]

Ok so I have kind of been spurred onto write this after reading another post on here as i've been trying to be brave enough to do so for a while .....

When I had my baby (now 16 months) my DM assumed she would be able to have her to herself as and when she wanted....she kitted out a bedroom for dd, with everything a baby could need always made it known that she wanted dd to herself for 'bonding time' - without me there....even when dd was only 6weeks old.

So this is where the problems started....when I had dd and as soon as she was put into my arms it's like I was a lioness with my little cub and there was no way I could bare to be apart from her....even if she was with my own DM. My DM would visit often but she holds it against me that I didn't allow her to take dd out here there and everywhere alone when she was a baby.

One off the biggest problems I had was with my dm's heavy smoking. I actually had to stop going to her house as the smell was so bad and the house very smokey..... she still holds that against me. Although I do visit now as she now respects my wishes with the smoking while we are their (after months of arguing over it she finally realised I was sticking to my guns). So when DM wanted to hold dd straight after a cig it used to cause problems...it's only now that dd is a toddler and isn't a 'babe in arms' anymore it's less of a problem

DM has always wanted to have alone time with dd without me been there....it's such an issue I sometimes wonder what my DM so desperately wants to do with dd while I' m not there....I do leave dd with her twice a week for an hour or 2 at a time but now my DM wants to be able to take her out for days out as the alone time she gets with dd now isn't enough.

Things is I also have other gp's to consider. Non of them see dd as much as my DM as it is... It's normally natural to want your own DM to look after your own dd more than pil's but the thing is its the pil's that are the supportive ones with how I bring up dd....my DM has a controlling personality and likes things done her way and always says I should leave dd alone with other people more.

For the past year and a half almost I have been told by dm I've fed dd too much...too often, she's too chubby, not done this right, not done that right, I'm too fussy cos i don't want dd exposed to cigarette smoke and don't don't want her to stop out over night yet.

I just feel like my own DM has always battled with me and argued about how I've done things and now says she holds it against me as she expected to have dd more than she has ..... We also do parenting so differently I think she gets insulted by that. I am quite into attachment parenting style but not extreme ....I go to work while dd is with dh, I don't like CIO, and just generally don't like leaving dd too much until she can communicate she is ok...dd is turning into a lovely confident little girl but she gets clingy if I have been away to work and she's not seem me that day.

I really enjoy been a mum and never feel bothered about a break. I feel that dd is secure and less clingy when she has spent her days with me or dh. Bti getade to feel that i'm pathetic cos i doesn't want to apart from my toddler on my days off work....I work 2-3 days a week so the days I have off with dd are precious and I'm always getting told to 'share' her more. But that gets one my nerves as I understand she needs to bond with her extended family but she isn't a toy to be passed about so my dm can play 'mums and dads' with her. Especially as at such a young age I feel really protective still and I believe in the attachment theory and it worries me when I'm not around that dd will be stressed as she is usually a timid little thing.

Is it normal for gp's to insist on 'alone' time with gc's at toddler age. My pil baby sit as and when we need and enjoy it but they never demand more 'alone time' like my own DM does.

Am i been precious and unreasonable cos I really can't help hating been away from dd more than I have to but I'm made to feel pathetic about it......I've even considered going to the drs and explaining how I feel...do I need help.

I never knew pleasing gp's was so hard, especially when it's my own DM.

Maybe a need to get a grip now dd is older....so I'm ready to be flame if so and will take any comments on board

Thanks

Oooops ....sorry that turned into a long one!

no it is not normal. they are not entitled to time alone with your baby.
one of the hard parts of becoming a mother is overcoming the domination of your own mother. tell her to get lost. you could use stronger words.
your dd ought not to be separated from you at any time you aren't happy about, or she isn't happy about.
your mother's home is unsuitable for your dd as its steeped in cigarette smoke.
you have every right to say no.
keep with it, lioness. well done.

i lived across the sea from my mum and the bugger used to phone up laying down the law.

No grandparent needs to have a baby overnight to "bond" with them. They dont even need to have a baby without the parent there to "bond" with them either.

Grandparents have no "entitlements" to anything with grandchildren. This is your family and your rules. It sounds like it may be hard but it will probably be worth it in the long run if you stick to your guns and tell your mother you will do things your way and not hers.

You said it right in your title op! Your own time, your own rhythm. You want to do what's best for your dd, you feel she needs you... That all sounds fine to me. You've said you work part time, you go out etc, so you're not exactly smothering her, so don't get guilted into doing things that don't feel right. I'm sure someone else will be along with good phrases to say, but I think it's one of those no is a complete sentence things (said nicely, but immovably).

stick to your guns-on so many levels.... even without the controlling behaviour the smoking is not on..- no one can demand to look after your child.
The range of involvement of gps is huge mine have ds the odd afternoon (since he was 4/5ish) other friends gps have had them for longer or shorter the main things is it is up to you not her

As dd gets older you may want to do more social things with her and as shes gets older you may feel more comfortable with her spending time on her own with other people so don't rule it out, but make it clear it is your decision as parents not anyone else....if she won't respect that she can bugger off

I find the insisting on alone time really weird, and too much pressure!

My DS has stayed over with my parents every 3 months or so since he was 6 months old (he's now 2) and my PIL have babysat twice I think. If you don't need/want your DD to stay elsewhere though, why would you?

she sounds over the top to me.
Of course you can decide as and when she has her. It is your decision to make not hers.
The smoking would be a big issue for me too.

Stick to your guns, tell her you will decide, not her. She has noticed that you mean what you say over the smoking, so hopefully the message will get through.

In the end though, try and see her support as a good thing, many on here don't have gps around. Your dd may end up loving her special times with Granny.

Well you said in your OP - she's controlling. That probably explains why she wants 'alone time'

It's not normal. I have several sets of gp's to deal with due to family dynamics. None of them are keen to babysit although all see the dc's fairly regularly and love them dearly. It's just their lives are busy with work etc.

My dts are 7 months and I've not had/needed/wanted a break. I can't see it happening either - unless dh surprises me with a meal out surprised? I'd have a bloody heart attack!

Anyway, tell her to back off. She needs to put up and shut up. Normally I wouldn't be so blunt but she's being overbearing and should have backed off by now.

First time I was away from ds1 was when he was 3 and I was in hospital having dd1. I'm not a clingy mother, just had no reason to not have him there. All my friends had dc's so when we socialised it was a big group affair. It seems to be the norm here.

Put your foot down it will be good practice for the gobby teenage years

Wow....Mothers can be really bad cant they. As other posters have said you do not have to do anything with your child that you dont want to do. Your mother has no rights over your child and really really should never have expected to have "alone" time with your child. Im sorry but seriously....who does she think she is? You are the mother now and how your child is brought up is between you and your husband and you are responsible for whatever happens to her so you must stick to your guns and dont allow things to happen that you do not want. I had to stand up to my mother many many times and it caused her to be nasty but I didnt care....I wanted to make sure my children were ok physically and emotionally and therefore they spent most of their time with either me or their father as the prime carers. My childhood was not the best so I didnt want the influence of my parents on my children.

It's definitely that she feels 'entitled' to have the alone time...we once even had a huge argument and she said I hurt her cos I said their were other gp's to also consider...she was offended I hadn't seen her a the 'main' GP....funny thing is I always thought she would be more involved in dd's life than other gp's as we were close ourselves but the constant battles of her wanting alone time and her belittling my parenting is taking its toll on our relationship.

I feel she has put her wanting a close relationship with my dd before our own relationship.

The only reason I am still hanging onto our relationship is because I do not want to jeopardise any future relationship she may have why my dd...granny's are a lovely thing to have and I want my dd to feel loved by hers.

It just doesn't feel right to be away yet from dd unnecessarily. I'm glad I'm not seen as abnormal for this. I do spend time away from her while I'm at work and I've even spent the night away from home from her....but she was with dh so it made me feel better as i know she is fine with daddy.

I think as dd gets older and has her own mind I would be more open to her going on days off with gp's ect....but I worry about her to much for now. It's like I feel abit sick thinking about it.

I jus feel like I'm been rushed into doing something I not ready for.....and feel dd isn't ready for.

No it's not normal for GPs to want lots of alone time. YANBU: your child, your rules. Given that you are leaving her to work part-time, as you say that is all the more reason to want her to yourself when you are off. Soon she will be at school...time flies.
Stick to your guns, the fact she disagrees with your childcare views is also another huge reason to not cave in. You were so right to be concerned about the smoking as well.
Of course if you fancy some time away (I never did either), it's different but even then you may well feel more comfortable with a friend or PIL who will not undermine you.

Hi OP
Whatever nurturing your DM fondly imagines she will give your DD, she needn't knock your parenting to achieve that closeness.

I hear so often GPs joke it's wonderful to have their GDCs... because they can hand them back.Not everyone has GDCs overnight or for hours at a time. So there's no reason for DM to pour scorn on your methods of raising DD. It's natural for GPs to want to see GDCs but not to the extent of rubbishing your ways. Your DD, your pace! No overnight stays until DD is 6 or 12 if you want!

I'm making a wild guess but does your DM handle criticism well? Thought not.
Perhaps she feels guilty for not getting on better with you and seeks to make up for it by having a better relationship with her GDC. Or, less charitably, maybe she simply has a controlling personality and can't bear to see you doing a better job.

Think it's a bit of both. You sound very clingy and PFB (given that your DD is now nearly a year and a half old, not a tiny baby any more) but your mum sounds a bit mad and definitely OTT. I think she is being more U than you are, but it probably wouldn't hurt you to relax a bit.

YANBU at all. You need to practise trusting your instincts - this is your daughter and you know what's best for her. Stick to your guns and be firm with your mother - she's being controlling, manipulative and tyranical.

Tyrannical

Well, if I'm really honest, I think it's just weird. Good for you in sticking to your guns under so much pressure.

Bottom line is, she's your baby, and you don't owe it to anyone to share her (apart from her dad). And by the way, what does he think about it?

It sounds like she views you as some sort of brood mare, whose role in life is to provide her with a new doll to play with.

Dinky I am sure I remember you from previous threads about this, under another name perhaps?

You are a perfectly normal mum. Your mum sounds like a complete basket case.

You shouldn't have to "please" GPs, especially if it means leaving your baby if you don't want to - and your reasons for not wanting to are sound.

Children will bond quite naturally with extended family members without spending time alone with them. They are not toys to be "shared"!

I have never understood the need of grandparents to have alone time to the point of pressuring the parents to get it.

What on earth can they do with your child that's acceptable to you as a parent that they can't do without you around?

YANBU children are not dollies for others to play mummies and daddies with.

She's being very odd.

why isn't it normal for a grandparent to want to spend time with the grandchildren on there own.

I have a really good 'bond' with my DGC because I am lucky and see quite a lot of them - mostly with their mother. I haven't as yet had either of them stay overnight, although the older one has stayed once with other GPS and aunt.
Your child stays where you want it to stay. And I have to say that a house occupied by a heavy smoker wouldn't be somewhere I'd choose.

It is normal for a GP to want to spend one-to-one time with the DGC, but not all the time and not always for overnigts.

Just do what you feel comfortable with.

Because IMHO.

It's like trying to exclude your relationship with your own child to exchange it for a child/ parent relationship with there child.

Nothing wrong with that if everybody is perfectly happy and comfortable with it and the parents are happy to do so,but if there not then its weird.