To want to go at dd and my own pace with regards to spending time apart....

[Dinkyblu]

Ok so I have kind of been spurred onto write this after reading another post on here as i've been trying to be brave enough to do so for a while .....

When I had my baby (now 16 months) my DM assumed she would be able to have her to herself as and when she wanted....she kitted out a bedroom for dd, with everything a baby could need always made it known that she wanted dd to herself for 'bonding time' - without me there....even when dd was only 6weeks old.

So this is where the problems started....when I had dd and as soon as she was put into my arms it's like I was a lioness with my little cub and there was no way I could bare to be apart from her....even if she was with my own DM. My DM would visit often but she holds it against me that I didn't allow her to take dd out here there and everywhere alone when she was a baby.

One off the biggest problems I had was with my dm's heavy smoking. I actually had to stop going to her house as the smell was so bad and the house very smokey..... she still holds that against me. Although I do visit now as she now respects my wishes with the smoking while we are their (after months of arguing over it she finally realised I was sticking to my guns). So when DM wanted to hold dd straight after a cig it used to cause problems...it's only now that dd is a toddler and isn't a 'babe in arms' anymore it's less of a problem

DM has always wanted to have alone time with dd without me been there....it's such an issue I sometimes wonder what my DM so desperately wants to do with dd while I' m not there....I do leave dd with her twice a week for an hour or 2 at a time but now my DM wants to be able to take her out for days out as the alone time she gets with dd now isn't enough.

Things is I also have other gp's to consider. Non of them see dd as much as my DM as it is... It's normally natural to want your own DM to look after your own dd more than pil's but the thing is its the pil's that are the supportive ones with how I bring up dd....my DM has a controlling personality and likes things done her way and always says I should leave dd alone with other people more.

For the past year and a half almost I have been told by dm I've fed dd too much...too often, she's too chubby, not done this right, not done that right, I'm too fussy cos i don't want dd exposed to cigarette smoke and don't don't want her to stop out over night yet.

I just feel like my own DM has always battled with me and argued about how I've done things and now says she holds it against me as she expected to have dd more than she has ..... We also do parenting so differently I think she gets insulted by that. I am quite into attachment parenting style but not extreme ....I go to work while dd is with dh, I don't like CIO, and just generally don't like leaving dd too much until she can communicate she is ok...dd is turning into a lovely confident little girl but she gets clingy if I have been away to work and she's not seem me that day.

I really enjoy been a mum and never feel bothered about a break. I feel that dd is secure and less clingy when she has spent her days with me or dh. Bti getade to feel that i'm pathetic cos i doesn't want to apart from my toddler on my days off work....I work 2-3 days a week so the days I have off with dd are precious and I'm always getting told to 'share' her more. But that gets one my nerves as I understand she needs to bond with her extended family but she isn't a toy to be passed about so my dm can play 'mums and dads' with her. Especially as at such a young age I feel really protective still and I believe in the attachment theory and it worries me when I'm not around that dd will be stressed as she is usually a timid little thing.

Is it normal for gp's to insist on 'alone' time with gc's at toddler age. My pil baby sit as and when we need and enjoy it but they never demand more 'alone time' like my own DM does.

Am i been precious and unreasonable cos I really can't help hating been away from dd more than I have to but I'm made to feel pathetic about it......I've even considered going to the drs and explaining how I feel...do I need help.

I never knew pleasing gp's was so hard, especially when it's my own DM.

Maybe a need to get a grip now dd is older....so I'm ready to be flame if so and will take any comments on board

Thanks

I think because when they're so young, the parents may not want them to spend time apart and it's not a GP's right to demand to see them alone. What exactly are they missing out on by seeing them with the parents?

Why isn't it normal for parents to want their children with them when there's no reason to require overnight childcare?

I wonder if OPs mum was so keen for her babies/toddlers to stay overnight with family members!

It sounds like she thinks of this child as a toy, something to play with and amuse herself.

It's just completely unnecessary, and rather strange.

When the child is older and wants to visit or have a sleepover, that's different. Although that's unlikely to be the case if the GM and her house stink of tobacco and she is constantly criticising and denigrating the OP, especially if she does it in front of the child.

Children - even young children - pick up on that kind of communication. They are very loyal, and know when they're being manipulated. It's very off-putting for a child.

And no doubt poor OP will get the blame when that happens.

I keep posting on these threads, sorry. I'm a grandmother and while I'm lucky enough to see a lot of my grandson (we mind him two days a week), I'm clear that I am not some kind of substitute mummy.

My daughter-in-law is lovely - I respect her, and she respects me. We have similar child-rearing "styles"; there are, of course, some differences - but I do things her way, always. I had my turn of bringing up my babies and now it's her (and my son's) turn.

One of the reasons I get so passionate about this is that my own DM was controlling in the extreme; I'd muddled along being generally appeasing until my first baby arrived, but his birth turned me into tiger-mother and I was forced to confront her.

My DM hated it and it caused months of grief, but it made me grow up. I would never have allowed one of my children to become her plaything - someone else for her to control and criticise. Your daughter has plenty of time to socialise with others - my Ma used to tell me I kept mine too close and that they'd never be confident adults. How I laugh when I look at them now!

Well said babyboomer

Oh and Sockreturningpixie makes a good point.

I love my grandson very much, naturally, but I loved his father (and my other children) first. They - not my dgs - are my children and it feels quite different.

I feel the need to add my sisters story here. She had a DS, her MIL insisted on alone time with him, which they allowed once a week for a few hours.

My DSis gave her DS some sweets on one occasion and he said 'These are nicer than the sweeties Granny makes me eat before the proper ones'.

Next time they were there, she got him to show her the horrible sweeties that Granny had been feeding him. They were indigestion tablets. He was 2!

She was never allowed to have him again.

DMIL asked 'when can we have her to ourselves for a day?' when dd was tiny. I replied 'not yet. It's not that I don't trust you, but she needs to be near me'. She has been great since, always up for babysitting, but never asks. Dd is 22mo and has spent a few nights there - when we moved house, for dh's work party, when ds was born. I know she wishes she had her instead of nursery (but she works) and would love to have her every weekend, but she respects my wishes and probably thinks I'm a right cow.

why isn't it normal for a grandparent to want to spend time with the grandchildren on there own
because the children are the offspring of the parents, not the grandparents.

i love my little grandaughter but i don't want to take her away from her mummy and daddy even for a second if it isn't necessary. i'm happy to stand in if they can't be there, not to give me 'time alone' with the baby but to be sure she has someone with her whom she knows.

'when can we have her to ourselves for a day?'

The telling thing is it's not just the GPs you'll get that from either. My childless DBIL & DSIL came to visit us from abroad when DD was 6 months old. Almost the first thing they said when they walked in the door was "when can we take her out by ourselves?".

They got short shrift from me. At least a GP will have some experience of babies! But it's not just the practical considerations.

It's the fact that anyone would think that time spent with your child when you're not around is somehow better, more enjoyable. I thought it was weird and rather creepy, as though they didn't see my child as a person, but as an activity.

i love my little grandaughter but i don't want to take her away from her mummy and daddy even for a second if it isn't necessary.

Quite!

YANBU. Your mother sounds weird. What does she want to do - relive her own new-mum days with your baby as a prop? Fucking bonkers, stuck to your guns.

Tbh I wouldn't have any issue with it if it was not something that you were hounded for early on.

Asking and being told no I would rather not and then leaving it. No problem but if someone is hounding or pressuring all the time it makes me thnk that the reasons for it are more excluding and bullying.

"You sound very clingy and PFB"

No she doesn't. She sounds like a normal mother to me. The OP's mum does get to see her grandchild on her own, just not overnight. Not wanting to leave a small child overnight in the house of a smoker is most definitely not being PFB or clingy.

16 months is still very little too - now DS is 2.5 I will give him to almost anyone for a day but he can tell me if he wants to go to so-and-so's house, and if he had a good time etc.

It is quite normal for DM's to be critical of your parenting, I think they often think they've got a right to tell you how you should be doing things. Well for years they do tell us what to do but then I think it's difficult for them to realise that when we become mothers we need to find our own way of doing things.
My mum would put DS to bed lying on his side with his head at the top of the Moses basket because ''babies sleep better like that, it helps them feel like they're being cuddled''. Yes maybe but I don't want him to die of cot death thank you! But my mum got pissed off because I was rejecting her 'expert parenting'.

But no it's not normal for them to want alone time or to expect it. They don't need to be alone with them to bond, just spending time with them is fine.
Would she not like to enjoy a trip out with you and dd together? Me, my mum and DS often have days out together and it's nice.

I have found that with my second baby my mum hasn't been shelling out her expert parenting advice quite so much, I think she trusts me with her DGC more now!
I think that's part of the problem with these DM's and mil's, because we belong to them they seem to feel like our babies are theirs too.
But as we have these animal instincts to protect our young, maybe they get similar instincts too.

Don't feel pressured in to leaving her if you don't want to. If you would like a bit of a break then go ahead and accept the help but if you don't need it maybe just invite her for Sunday lunch more often or suggest a day out together so she gets to spend more time with dd.

I feel exactly the same as you OP and my children are 2.8y and 9months.
My sister and mother are always pressuring me to leave them with them.

My dad and MIL are easy going and adore both my boys and they are who i'd call if i needed a babysitter. Dont understand the need for 'alone time' !

Wow.....thanks so much for all the replys. Really appreciate your opinions and advice from people other than friends that I was worried would just tell me what I want to hear.

I must admit I was ready to be flamed.....maybe my DM has for into my head so much I am doubling my own instincts and beliefs.

I was even considering a trip to the drs as my DM makes me feel that pathetic that I thought maybe I had some form of delayed PND...how glad I am to hear that I am normal to feel like this.

I make sure all gp's see dd at least once a week and understand there importance....I think my DM just expected her to be more of a second mother.

donkeys no my DM doesn't not handle critics well....But she shells it out in buckets. She has always had a controlling personality and I have always jumped to what she has said...but when I held my own dd I my arms...that was it ...i grew up and my mothering instincts spring into action. She says I make her feel inadequate for how I parent so different to how she did...but surely that her problem not mine!

olgaga ah yes I did post before under another name...(try to keep my anonymity..lol. That post was the smoking issue....this has now escalated to her bonding with dd while I am not there!

sock I agree totally about its like trying to exclude your own child to bond with there's.....I feel totally hurt about this. She has told me she doesn't like my company anymore though or like me as a person sinse I haven't jumped other demands!

babyboomers our dm's sound similar...glad ur so understanding of ur own dd's and ddinlaw...I hope to do the same when my dd grows up. I genuinely believe how I aren't makes her feel secure and loved and that will equal a happy independent older little girl and then adult...but in her own time.

samsmalaidh exactly!

I just don't know where to go from here....me and DM are kind of on speaking terms now but she said to me 'if we're ever going to be ok again u need to allow me to take out 'Jenny' for days out when me and your stepdad want' ....hmmm thàt wound me up cos it was like I was been told what was going to happen.

I think I am going to write her a letter and use some quotes on here to back me up....I am not good with words so I often aren't good at explaining myself...

I just feel that until dd can communicate and tell me about her day then I like to keep her close and make sure her needs are met. Also my DM wanted to take dd for the day out over tea time and drive back down country roads home when it will be dark and I worry about the winter roads conditions and me not been there...I just feel really uncomfortable not been with dd if she was an hours drive away....I wasn't invited for the day out though as her and my step dad feel they should be able to go on their own with dd.....

I was so close to my DM before this but now everything is such a mess. I feel like I will be compromising how I do things if I say it's fine to take dd when she wants....also other gps will also then want to do this.

Btw...someone mentioned what my DM was like with me as a baby - her and my df split up and he lived with my GPS so I spent a lot of time with them on weekends. My DM was very happy with this arrangement from me been very young...I think she therefore expected me to be the same with my dd and allow her to have dd for stop overs and days out ect. But I am an older mum and just don't feel like like I want or need a break. My dh is the same as me.....and agrees with everything I say and he is a great hands on dad.

I always imagined me and DM and dd as a 3.... I never imagined it would come to this and now I feel it's irreparable :-((

dinky I'm glad you've found the answers and opinions you needed to see that what your 'D'M is demanding asking of you is not reasonable.
I think it would be fine if she'd asked you and then left it when you said no but to say that you have to give her your child in order to fix your relationship with is shocking.
And to say that she doesn't enjoy your company anymore...well that's just quite nasty and that kind of thing would make me question whether I really want this woman to play a significant part in my dd's life.
She's really not being fair on you at all.
Surround yourself with people who love you, support you, make you happy x

Hi again, have had to name change, I posted at 23:59:16.

Mothering shouldn't be a competition. You don't have to prove anything. When/if you and DH feel ready to let your DD go for long periods of time or even overnight stays, you will. I don't think you have to allow your DM to have her own way, to "compensate" for anything you've done.

You used to be close because you did what you were told to do. Now that you're not, you're not close. That should really tell you something about your former closeness - it had a lot of strings attached!

Don't doubt yourself so much - you're doing fine. Whenever you start to doubt yourself because of what your 'D'M has said to you, just think 'a truly loving and supportive mother would never make me feel so crap'.

I find your DM's actions deeply strange. Her bond with your DD has the potential to be really valuable, but it is and should be seen as secondary to your's and your DH's.

I think you should stand firm. If your DM did get the alone time she wanted, do you think there is a risk she would then want her bond with your DD to be prioritised over yours? You might get locked into a very unhealthy competition over who is closest to DD, preferred by her etc.

My DM is grandmother to 7 grandchildren, and she has never demanded to be alone with them like this. Nor do her SILs or cousins with their grandchildren. Of course everyone is different, but please don't be conned by your DM into thinking the 'alone time' thing is routine or the norm. Many grandmothers are perfectly happy (even happier) to share their time with grandchildren with their children on a 'the more the merrier' basis.

why isn't it normal for a grandparent to want to spend time with the grandchildren on there own.

It's not abnormal but as a grandparent you don't have a right to get ridiculously controlling and make the mother of the grandchildren feel guilty or wrong. I wouldn't expect my grandchildren to be delivered to me on command because spending time with them is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable experience, not something you browbeat the parents into agreeing against their better judgement.

"but she said to me 'if we're ever going to be ok again u need to allow me to take out 'Jenny' for days out when me and your stepdad want' "

I can't believe she said that Your child is a baby not a possession!

I just spoke to my mum about this incidentally my mother s the most cleverest lady in the universe

She said, hmmmm that's the type of grandparent who wants to do every thing the parents don't want with the child and likes to attempt to over ride and try to alienate parents.

And that was just from reading your posts to her.

if we're ever going to be ok again u need to allow me to take out 'Jenny' for days out when me and your stepdad want'

she said this? And she has you doubting yourself so much you think you should see a doctor incase there is something wrong with you?

my god please read these two sentences again. And then again. And once more for good measure. They are shocking!

You have my sympathy, but time to lioness up and tell her straight 'No Mother, for us to be alright, you have to respect me as my daughter's parent and learn that my decisions are, and always will be, final, and are non negotiable

put the ball firmly in her court, stop pandering to her. She is very much in the wrong here and you, and your instincts, are very much in the right. DO NOT DOUBT THIS FOR A MOMENT!

Thanks again for your replies

I am just paranoid also that I don't want to ever be one of those horrible daughters that stops their dm's seeing their gc's ....but I suppose it's been her actions that have led to this mess.

I really need to man up and write a letter or something. I'm not good with confrontation though and my DM is quite scary..lol. But then my dd is much more important.

I just now that this confrontation will just be huge though. Apparently my younger Db thinks I am in the wrong also and said 'if he could have a baby for my mum he would'....wtf! That's what I' m up against. I feel like everyone treats my baby like a play thing to be passed about at their leisure...and she is quite shy so I know she would hate that. But I have been told i need to share her more....even on my first Mother's Day when dd was 7 months old DM got me a card saying 'remember we love 'Jenny' too and u need to learn to share her'. It's like I have bee told that much I am wrong that I actually thought I was been 'selfish' and I wasn't the normal one.

I don't think it helps that my dm's friends have daughters who also have children that they like to leave at GPS often...I would never judge them though and that's what works for them....I just feel its not right for me and dd yet. I love how me and dd have bonded and she's my little sweetheart. I can never imagine putting her through this when she is older and has her own dd's.

My DM has said now we are talking she Will have 'J' again while I'm at work on an evening....but I've decided to just work when dh is home as she told me a few weeks back 'I only have 'j' when it suits u and we both know it'....and there's me thinking gp's enjoy stepping in when they can....I didn't realise it had to be a favour of having dd when I' m at work means I must allow DM to take her on days out at her leisure.

I just feel so sad and exhausted from it all....my stomach is in knots lately about it all....it's very final to cut ties but this can't go on.....it's not good for dd , me or DM ....

angeltatoo I do need to say that to my DM...I couldn't have put it better.

Anyway I am rambling and going over same stuff now....but it's been great to get things off my chest.