To want to go at dd and my own pace with regards to spending time apart....

[Dinkyblu]

Ok so I have kind of been spurred onto write this after reading another post on here as i've been trying to be brave enough to do so for a while .....

When I had my baby (now 16 months) my DM assumed she would be able to have her to herself as and when she wanted....she kitted out a bedroom for dd, with everything a baby could need always made it known that she wanted dd to herself for 'bonding time' - without me there....even when dd was only 6weeks old.

So this is where the problems started....when I had dd and as soon as she was put into my arms it's like I was a lioness with my little cub and there was no way I could bare to be apart from her....even if she was with my own DM. My DM would visit often but she holds it against me that I didn't allow her to take dd out here there and everywhere alone when she was a baby.

One off the biggest problems I had was with my dm's heavy smoking. I actually had to stop going to her house as the smell was so bad and the house very smokey..... she still holds that against me. Although I do visit now as she now respects my wishes with the smoking while we are their (after months of arguing over it she finally realised I was sticking to my guns). So when DM wanted to hold dd straight after a cig it used to cause problems...it's only now that dd is a toddler and isn't a 'babe in arms' anymore it's less of a problem

DM has always wanted to have alone time with dd without me been there....it's such an issue I sometimes wonder what my DM so desperately wants to do with dd while I' m not there....I do leave dd with her twice a week for an hour or 2 at a time but now my DM wants to be able to take her out for days out as the alone time she gets with dd now isn't enough.

Things is I also have other gp's to consider. Non of them see dd as much as my DM as it is... It's normally natural to want your own DM to look after your own dd more than pil's but the thing is its the pil's that are the supportive ones with how I bring up dd....my DM has a controlling personality and likes things done her way and always says I should leave dd alone with other people more.

For the past year and a half almost I have been told by dm I've fed dd too much...too often, she's too chubby, not done this right, not done that right, I'm too fussy cos i don't want dd exposed to cigarette smoke and don't don't want her to stop out over night yet.

I just feel like my own DM has always battled with me and argued about how I've done things and now says she holds it against me as she expected to have dd more than she has ..... We also do parenting so differently I think she gets insulted by that. I am quite into attachment parenting style but not extreme ....I go to work while dd is with dh, I don't like CIO, and just generally don't like leaving dd too much until she can communicate she is ok...dd is turning into a lovely confident little girl but she gets clingy if I have been away to work and she's not seem me that day.

I really enjoy been a mum and never feel bothered about a break. I feel that dd is secure and less clingy when she has spent her days with me or dh. Bti getade to feel that i'm pathetic cos i doesn't want to apart from my toddler on my days off work....I work 2-3 days a week so the days I have off with dd are precious and I'm always getting told to 'share' her more. But that gets one my nerves as I understand she needs to bond with her extended family but she isn't a toy to be passed about so my dm can play 'mums and dads' with her. Especially as at such a young age I feel really protective still and I believe in the attachment theory and it worries me when I'm not around that dd will be stressed as she is usually a timid little thing.

Is it normal for gp's to insist on 'alone' time with gc's at toddler age. My pil baby sit as and when we need and enjoy it but they never demand more 'alone time' like my own DM does.

Am i been precious and unreasonable cos I really can't help hating been away from dd more than I have to but I'm made to feel pathetic about it......I've even considered going to the drs and explaining how I feel...do I need help.

I never knew pleasing gp's was so hard, especially when it's my own DM.

Maybe a need to get a grip now dd is older....so I'm ready to be flame if so and will take any comments on board

Thanks

Like people have said. She's not normal. Its not normal. YABU.

If your db really said that (??) I wonder what the Mother of his child would have to say?!!! What a ridiculous comment from him on many levels.

Creepy Mothers day card... Sounds like your dd gets to see lots of everyone.

My parents have dd if I ask but have never asked to have her or even offered. I don't expect them to. This hasn't stopped them having an incredible bond.

Was she like this before your dd was born? (weird I mean)

Before dd was born she kitted out a full nursery and she would talk about what her and dd will do together in the future..I was always like 'and where will I be!!' ..I was always quite worried she would want to take over ....but I never knew to this extent. It was when I gave birth that I stopped been a pushover and having my own opinion that things went down hill....we fell out when dd was a tiny baby as I didn't want her to take her out without me (5weeks old) and her smoking was an issue.

The plan before i had dd was for me to go back to work 3 days a week with my DM doing the childcare but I knew I would have to do things her way if I did that so I gave up my career and took on an evening job as I could bring up dd how me and dh wanted not my DM.

Everything she says is right....she knows everything.....everyone thinks she is right.

As well as been controlling and over bearing and criticising she can be quite manipulative and uses emotional blackmail.

But she must be good at it cos I do feel guilty........

she told me a few weeks back 'I only have 'j' when it suits u and we both know it'

Well of course! Why would she expect to have J when it doesn't suit you? That's patently ridiculous.

With someone like that you need to reinforce that it will ALWAYS be on your terms or not at all.

Your mother's a bully, as was mine. She won't back down, she won't take a hint - you'll have to tell her (even by letter) what's happening...and that there will be no discussion.

I hated standing up to my mother - it was frightening - so I understand how you feel. But honestly, once you've made a firm stand, it gets easier.

Oh, and don't worry about turning into the granny from hell one day. You won't. You're putting your baby's needs first, and you always will, even when she is a mother herself. Your mother is putting herself and her needs first.

Be brave!

You need to put your needs and your toddlers needs first. She has to learn to accept the way you parents and also the amount of time she has with toddler. She should be building you up, not knocking you down. Has she always been so controlling and demanding?

You and DH stick together and stick to your guns. And your DB is a little twit.

'if we're ever going to be ok again u need to allow me to take out 'Jenny' for days out when me and your stepdad want'

Let's face it, if she was talking like that about your car you'd be pretty annoyed! But we're talking about a child, not a possession. She has no right to make demands like that. The only answer to that has got to be "Well then we may never be ok again, but that's your choice. We are Jenny's parents and we will see you - as before - whenever it's mutually convenient, and you can babysit whenever it's mutually convenient".

Of course contact has to be at your convenience! As for your DB, well what the hell does he know? These kind of comments are just too absurd to dwell on, don't allow these people to make you unhappy.

Read up on assertiveness - here are the basics.

A Woman in Your Own Right by Anne Dickson is a truly great book for helping with assertive communications. Every woman should read it!

Your brother has said that if he could he would have a baby for his mum? Most people have babies because they want children themselves, not as a present for their mum! So point that out to your DB!

I know that you want your dd to have a nice relationship with Granny, but it seems to me that that's not what your mum wants. She wants to stay as Mum. I'd concentrate on her relationship with your PILs as that sounds like the more normal grandparent relationship to me. Good luck with dealing with your mum.

Ahem, repeat after me:

"Mum, regarding your offer to take Jenny again in the evenings, I already dropped my evening work when we fell out [last week], so although it's very kind of you it won't be necessary. [Of course you're welcome to come over for tea with us instead]delete as apropriate!

I'm sorry you feel that our relationship is conditional on you having control over my daughter's time with you. I had hoped you loved me unconditionally. It is simply not the right time for Jenny to be away from me for long periods of time, and only DH and I are going to be able to judge when the time is right.

love from"

And then don't back down!

I didn't have any of mine overnight before they were three and that was because the parents asked if we would sleep over so dd and her dh could go to a concert and stay overnight. They left at 5pm and were home by 11 am.
Last weekend we had dgs aged 6 and 3 for first sleepover at our house. It was from 9 am Saturday till 2.45 Sunday and was a great success. I think you are absolutely NBU at all.

I'm having the same issues with my dm regarding dd who is 14 weeks.

Every time we see her, which is most days she passss comment about how clingy dd is, why don't I let her have her, why not, you wouldn't think she had brought two kids up, what do I think she will do, etc etc

She just doesn't get that I'm not ready. She even suggested I change from bf to ff as to not "keep her all to myself"

Good Heavens! How old is your DB? He sounds like a 6 year old! Does he want to marry her, too? Bless!

You are not being awkward, PFB, selfish, clingy or any of that rubbish.

It all sounds really strange - especially the fitting out the bedroom.

My dm used to look after my dd for one day a week in our house from around 15 months whilst I worked and it did give them a good bond, which probably wouldn't have happened otherwise with her living quite a distance away. She did also take her for days out, but that was after she'd spent quite a long time with sole care so she understood her needs. I think she ate a lot of cake in cafes but nothing too sinister. And generally if I'd vetoed something e.g. she's not to go anywhere near the giant drop slide at that farm park - it would be listened to.

If we go to my MIL's house, me and dh will go shopping for a bit or something because they do bond better if we're not there. Mine becomes really chatty with them and they play nice games. MIL didn't used to take her out because she was worried about catching her if she bolted.

But I wouldn't leave her overnight at a gp house because I know she'd be frightened if she woke up and we weren't there. She's 7 now and I still wouldn't leave her overnight.

Is she one of these that particularly likes babies? Or does she have a friend who does this with their dg? I know with my dm she very much liked taking a baby out in a buggy and showing her off. It's a bit like having a new puppy in that people stop to talk to you more. I was extremely grateful for the help as well.

Your dm has no right to demand these things though. I think that's where it all becomes a bit odd. She really needs to back off. That way it'll happen naturally when she's a bit older and you need a bit of time to yourself, or to attend an appointment or something. I think an occasional stay at a gp is great when they're older (although I agree I wouldn't be keen on the smoking). But as a regular thing, when you don't need the help, is too much to ask. Her expectations are unreasonable.

It's bloody weird IMO. Lovely for GPs to want to spend time with GCs, to be pushing it and saying she is entitled to it before the child is even born is MAD. I think you're doing things right OP. And whoever said OP is being clingy - erm, how? OP works, and goes out, and is happy with this. Not wanting her little girl - who is still a baby, just not a newborn - to stay for hours/overnight with an overbearing, controlling grandparent is NOT clingy.

I am so glad this thread has made you realise that you are not in the wrong.

DD is nearly three and my DF and DM looked after her recently for three days while I was in hospital having DS. I was very jittery about it, as it was only the second time I had been away overnight from her and only for one night before when she was with DH. My DP were brilliant (although exhausted after three days with DD), but I still missed her like crazy and dont think there is anything wrong with feeling like you want DD with you. I certainly wont be staying a night apart from either of them unless I need to.

Your mother isnt asking for anything normal. Most parents enjoy seeing their children with their grandchildren. DF has said he really enjoys seeing how the DC have changed me (much more chilled and gentle apparently) and enjoys seeing my relationship with them, as well as his time with them.

YANBU

I am like that with my babies when they are still very dependant, and although I have issues with my mother she isn't that weird ;)

I relax as my children become more able to move away from me in of their own volition - that seems natural to me. My youngest first stayed over with my in-laws at 14 months, but then I trust them, and also he was with his big brother and sister. my eldest first stayed over with them when she was 2, but she hadn't known them all her life like DC3 as we lived in a different country til she was 19 months.

My in-laws do have a room kitted out and decorated for my elder two to share, but they didn't do it until the elder 2 were 5 and 3, and had been staying there for a couple of nights each school holiday on a regular basis for over a year.

Your DM is being weird. Stick to contact on your own terms - no need to leave her.

Your mum sounds exactly like my MIL, including the house that reeks of cigarettes. I have to warn you that DS is 5 and she's still just as bad. I'm sure her dream would be to have me out of the way and to have DH and DS living with her do she could be 'mum'. I actually give her every opportunity to see DS but she makes no effort to visit us and just wants him delivered to her for pointless overnight stays.

My advice is grow a thick skin, ignore hints and be evasive over things you're not happy about.

Stick to your guns, she is your child, did you grow up in a house with a lot of smoke? I went to school smelling of it as a young child and it's horrible!

What is the advice from NHS about being around smokers? Am I right in thinking that you should allow 20 mins after a cigarette before holding child? If so then how can she care properly for baby anyhow?

For what it's worth: my ds at age 3 thinks the world of both sets of grandparents. He calls them his friends, is exited to see them, Skype them, phone them etc. They all know him well, despite the fact that none live locally. He has done one day out with my parents and one overnight with them a week ago when I was in labour. They came to get him and took him to theirs on the train. He was fine with this. He adores his other gm and has only ever been as far as her allotment with her as 'alone time" with a couple of bedtimes when she's babysat at her house while we've gone out (she's 4 hours away). They would all happily have him for a weekend now but any sooner would have been too soon for me, and so for him. We are a family. That's me, dh, ds, dd, grandparents etc. spending time as a family is how we bond. And those bonds are maintained through love, trust, respect and open communication. Are we perfect? Far far from it. Do my parents and in laws disagree with how I do things? I'm sure of it. But, would they use my child to score points? No. And I can say that categorically. They can drive me totally bonkers on occasion and I'm sure that's mutual, but respect for each other as humans supersedes that.

Remember the power of the word 'unfortunately' as in 'unfortunately Mum, for us to be "alright" we both have to be grown ups. I grew up and had a child, just as you did. I value you as my mother, show you value me as your child and as a mother in my own right. And that, unfortunately, means that there will be no "alone time" until I decide we are ready and you have demonstrated that you respect and value me as an adult woman and mother. I know you can do this as you raised me to have those skills. Now show your trust in your parenting by showing your trust in my parenting."

Good luck OP, this sounds like a difficult situation and I sincerely wish a resolution for you which means you get to have your 3.

he leaving thing wouldn't be a problem for me, I left Ds1 when he was 4 months old for a 3 night holilday and it was lovely, but then he was a complete PITA - but is wonderful now.
The smoking thing would be a massive one for me, I wouldn't let any of my children stay with a smoker or someone who owned a dog.
But that is my point of view, she is your daughter and if you don't want to leave her overnight that is completely your perogative.

I am sure the thought of confronting your 'D'M must be frightening, but remember, you are protecting your DD - from your DM! As others have said, your own relationship with your DM was probably 'fine' (though by no means normal) because you did as you were told and didn't argue. But it is clear from your posts that the result of that relationship is your lack of confidence in yourself and your parenting abilities, and an undermining of your self-esteem. What type of DM makes their child feel like that? One whose own needs are put before yours.

Do not let this controlling woman spend time alone with your DD. She will try the same tricks to control DD and undermine you whenever she has the opportunity. She will use DD to hurt you. Put a stop to this now and maybe in the future there might be some sort of relationship, but what exists now is far from normal - it is manipulative, controlling and nasty. Don't let DD get embroiled in it. Keep DM at arm's length or cut her out of your life.

Yanbu.

It is perfectly normal to feel the way you feel about your dd.

I could have written 99% of that about my pil, especially the smoke part.

The only time I am without ds is when at work and I can't wait to be with him. I have never had a night away or real me time (ten mins in the bath without him once in a blue moon doesn't really count) and I have no desire for me time or nights out/away from him.

I used to ask my sister a lot if I was normal feeling that way as I was constantly harrassed and critisised by pil and she said yes it was normal and she doesn't have and cannot have children. It is beyond me how she can understand how I feel but a woman (and man but especially mil) showed no understanding despite having been a parent and having a nightmare mil herself.

Some people are selfish and only think of their wants and not the needs of the baby. My mil actually said to me that it was more important that she was a gran than I was a mother! I will never understand the need to have alone time with someone elses baby...I wouldn't want that huge responsibility.