To want to go at dd and my own pace with regards to spending time apart....

[Dinkyblu]

Ok so I have kind of been spurred onto write this after reading another post on here as i've been trying to be brave enough to do so for a while .....

When I had my baby (now 16 months) my DM assumed she would be able to have her to herself as and when she wanted....she kitted out a bedroom for dd, with everything a baby could need always made it known that she wanted dd to herself for 'bonding time' - without me there....even when dd was only 6weeks old.

So this is where the problems started....when I had dd and as soon as she was put into my arms it's like I was a lioness with my little cub and there was no way I could bare to be apart from her....even if she was with my own DM. My DM would visit often but she holds it against me that I didn't allow her to take dd out here there and everywhere alone when she was a baby.

One off the biggest problems I had was with my dm's heavy smoking. I actually had to stop going to her house as the smell was so bad and the house very smokey..... she still holds that against me. Although I do visit now as she now respects my wishes with the smoking while we are their (after months of arguing over it she finally realised I was sticking to my guns). So when DM wanted to hold dd straight after a cig it used to cause problems...it's only now that dd is a toddler and isn't a 'babe in arms' anymore it's less of a problem

DM has always wanted to have alone time with dd without me been there....it's such an issue I sometimes wonder what my DM so desperately wants to do with dd while I' m not there....I do leave dd with her twice a week for an hour or 2 at a time but now my DM wants to be able to take her out for days out as the alone time she gets with dd now isn't enough.

Things is I also have other gp's to consider. Non of them see dd as much as my DM as it is... It's normally natural to want your own DM to look after your own dd more than pil's but the thing is its the pil's that are the supportive ones with how I bring up dd....my DM has a controlling personality and likes things done her way and always says I should leave dd alone with other people more.

For the past year and a half almost I have been told by dm I've fed dd too much...too often, she's too chubby, not done this right, not done that right, I'm too fussy cos i don't want dd exposed to cigarette smoke and don't don't want her to stop out over night yet.

I just feel like my own DM has always battled with me and argued about how I've done things and now says she holds it against me as she expected to have dd more than she has ..... We also do parenting so differently I think she gets insulted by that. I am quite into attachment parenting style but not extreme ....I go to work while dd is with dh, I don't like CIO, and just generally don't like leaving dd too much until she can communicate she is ok...dd is turning into a lovely confident little girl but she gets clingy if I have been away to work and she's not seem me that day.

I really enjoy been a mum and never feel bothered about a break. I feel that dd is secure and less clingy when she has spent her days with me or dh. Bti getade to feel that i'm pathetic cos i doesn't want to apart from my toddler on my days off work....I work 2-3 days a week so the days I have off with dd are precious and I'm always getting told to 'share' her more. But that gets one my nerves as I understand she needs to bond with her extended family but she isn't a toy to be passed about so my dm can play 'mums and dads' with her. Especially as at such a young age I feel really protective still and I believe in the attachment theory and it worries me when I'm not around that dd will be stressed as she is usually a timid little thing.

Is it normal for gp's to insist on 'alone' time with gc's at toddler age. My pil baby sit as and when we need and enjoy it but they never demand more 'alone time' like my own DM does.

Am i been precious and unreasonable cos I really can't help hating been away from dd more than I have to but I'm made to feel pathetic about it......I've even considered going to the drs and explaining how I feel...do I need help.

I never knew pleasing gp's was so hard, especially when it's my own DM.

Maybe a need to get a grip now dd is older....so I'm ready to be flame if so and will take any comments on board

Thanks

Oops that was very long!

Just also wanted to say I am not good and confrontation either but it took for me to blow up and put a few people in their place to have a slight improvement in our situation. It is now politely strained but I know what they think of me and don't care.

No one else is going to protect your dd better than you either. You are her mum, it sounds harsh but she isn't there for others to have a game of babies or 2nd parenthood! That's how I feel about my ds anyway.

Bottom line, it is your daughter, what you (and dh) says goes. Your Mother had "her turn" at being a Mother/calling the shots with you. Your Mother has to suck it up whether she likes it or not. ( And I do not in anyway subscribe to the attachment theory - I did leave mine overnight with GPS occasionally from about three months)

I don't think it's abnormal for gps to want time alone with their gc - however I do think its abnormal to request this, let alone repeatedly. DS has 4 sets of gps but only FIL and partner really see him a lot. It's lovely to see their relationship developing and although they never request time without us there, I see how it's different and am quite happy for them to take him out for a couple of hours.

DS is now 15mo and I recently had my first night away from him since he was born - but he was with dh and I don't know if I'd feel comfortable leaving him with anyone else overnight yet. I am happy to leave him for periods of time though and don't feel a pull back to him...thought he's about to start nursery so we'll see how that goes!

Your baby. Your (and your dh) rules. Best to get that one across to DM nice and early. Oh, and seeing all her gps at least once a week is loads in my opinion! Especially as you work pt. you are not being selfish and YADNBU!!

Wow...I have more replies.
Really means alot to know that I am not mad....really really wish I'd have trusted my instinct more last week when we had words then...instead I am going to get Xmas out of the way then write that letter or go round to speak on my own.

The thing is my DM does suffer with depression in the past and is now blaming her new prescribed meds on this situ....so I am scared of making things worse.

I feel much stronger though now after reading your replies.

olgag thanks for the links...I will take a look for some tips. Good point abut the car..lol.

signet oh I do sympathise.....that sounds exactly like my DM was. Even before dd was born she was very overbearing....then when she was born I was made to feel so guilty for not wanting to leave her at 6 weeks old. I combination fed my dd due to having to be readmitted to hosp (long story...lol) when dd was weeks old and when I continued bf as best I could my DM also went on at me about stopping it altogether as she saw it that I was keeping her to myself....so I totally understands where your coming from Hun. Really hope u can resolve it and save your relationship better than me and my DM have

ms pickleawwww so cute your ds calls his gp's his friends..bless.

Upstart My DM loves babies which is lovely but I always felt pressured to leave my baby when I didn't feel ready to feed her desire to play 'dollies'. Her friend also have gc's who they have overnight....but that's their parents prerogative...but I know this makes my mum 'embarrassed' she hasn't had dd overnight yet. But even before I had dd or even got pg the assumption was that she would dd alone for stays over ect....it's like she wanted to almost be as important to dd as me and dh. Its always felt over bearing. Nothing wrong with gp's having GC over night when I feel me and dd are ready ....

Why can't life be simple eh! Well we'll have nothing to worry about tomorrow if the world ends...pah!