"So Irishchic, what DO you do all day at home?"

[irishchic]

I was at a Christmas Party on sat night with my husband. I was chatting to a woman whose dh works with my dh. She works full time and has 3dc. I dont work, and have 5dc. She was telling me how totally organised she is for Christmas, has had all her presents bought, wrapped and put in the loft by the end of october. Then she told me that her Xmas dinner table is always set to perfection as she is very particular that everything is just perfect on the day.

So far so good. I must admit to feeling a little inadequate that I was nowhere near as organised as she is, but thats ok, I can live with that. But then she turned to me as said, "So Irishchic, how do you put in your day? I mean you must have SO much free time now that your youngest has started school, you're like a real lady of leisure arent you!?!"

I was a bit gobsmacked. She was being perfectly serious. I have met her on occasion before and she always makes some allusion to me not working, but never anything quite as irritating as this. My dh has also told me that her dh has to frequently listen to her going on about how "easy" irishchic has it at home compared to her.

I was blindsided and muttered something about plenty of housework, shopp[ing laundry etc that has to be done. My dh told me after that I should have just told her to "wind yer neck in love!" or something along those lines.

My dh has a v stressful and busy work life,he is also involved in community and voluntary stuff, so I pretty much run everything else in our lives bar work, I know many women manage all this and more, I take my hat off to them genuinely, but I feel pretty stretched in my own role, and certainly dont spend my days idling away constantly remodelling my house or something.

I am pissed off with her for the comment, but MOSTLY am annoyed with myself for trying to frame a polite response instead of being able to put her in her place with a witty retort. It really ruined my night.

AIBU?

Well quite Help but it shuts the person up for the time being

It's interesting how we feel the need to defend our choices (or maybe there is no choice in some cases) to others. The sahm vrs wohm debate will continue far beyond our days. As mums we do what we have to do or for those more fortunate, what we want to do. We shouldn't have to defend that either way. I work part time and feel I have the best of both worlds. I often have the "I just don't know how you do it all" comment (having juggled 2 jobs for the last 5 years) from some sahms including (on numerous occasions) my dsil. I feel this is usually said in the same vein as asking a sahm what they do all day, to make the other feel shitty!

When I tell people my job title (it's one of those generic woolly ones), plenty of people ask me what that involves. Don't see that this question is any different.

I might well have asked the same question - because I'm generally interested. I actually know very few women who are SAHM to school age children so I find it hard to understand what they do with their days (I know I would be bored silly!). When asked they generally tell me that they do voluntary work, pursue a hobby, are writing a novel, have caring responsibilities for an older relative, are studying or something similar. It's just a question to create a further conversation point. If a SAHM told me they spent all day doing housework I suspect I would come to the conclusion that they were either obsessive or mad.

It is very material that the insultor's dh is so hands-on.

My dh commutes to London, is rarely in before 9pm and is frequently away. We have no family to speak of.

It's not that I'm busy, busy, busy all day (far from it!) but it's all those irritating little commitments that would make going out to work a big PITA. Last week ds was at the orthodontist twice. Being NHS one cannot pick one's time so it's 11am one day and 12 the day after. Then ds had a piano exam at 9.45 the same week and dd had a stomach bug so was off school for a couple of days.

Now, I know many, many people manage with these type of issues but when you have zero back-up and have these sorts of weeks I think you would explode with stress if trying to hold down a job.

I find the most sarky comments about SAHMs come from those who have no idea what it is like to have to row your own boat all the time. They invariably have handy mothers or dhs who work from home.

flossie it's not that I feel I have to defend my(our) choices but it is often asked in a very accusatory manner.

Perhaps she was genuinely wondering what you do all day and it wasn't a barbed comment at all.
Certainly before I had DS I had no idea what SAHMs did all day, and I still don't to some extent.

Now I'm on mat leave with my PFB, I have all day to do the housework I used to have to squeeze in before 8am or after 7pm. And stuff like picking up parcels, going to the doctor, etc, is no longer stressful to arrange.

Obviously it's harder if you have several DCs, or a huge estate to take care of, rather than a two-up two-down terrace. There are so many variables. But I find that I have plenty of time for yoga/coffee/shopping/meeting friends on top of 24-hour childcare and housework.
However... I don't iron, rarely dust, and push a hoover around perhaps twice a week. I shop online and generally make things as easy for myself as I can!

I can see that life would be much harder with more DCs but, honestly, as hard as working all day, commuting AND fitting everything else on top? Only if I dramatically raised my housekeeping standards, I reckon.

HelpOneAnother people do tell me my job would bore them silly - it's not a job that would interest everyone and includes a lot that is monotonous and mundane. Being honest I admit that I find it boring sometimes as well. I'm sure that's true of most people whether WOHM or SAHM. I happily tell my husband his job would bore me (he agrees that it would). Ditto a good friend that is an accountant - just not my cup of tea. Equally I'd say to a nurse that I don't know how they do it as I couldn't stand having to be nice to people all day long. It's a reflection on the person making the statement, not the person they are aiming it at.

I sort of view the more relaxed pace of the school years as my reward for pre school days, when it was an endless round of feeding, changing, potty training, teething, toddler groups (scarred for life I am, by the horror that those entailed!)

Seriously though, as a sahm, some of my days are very busy and others are not so. Much like when I was working tbh.

I do hate this idea that some people have that I am 'living off dh'. The way I see it, is that dc need looking after, money needs to be earned and so we have divided the labour and are playing to our strengths. But it's hard in a society that only values one persons contribution (that of earning money). Never mind that if I wasn't here, my dh wouldn't have the career he has now, because he wouldn't have had the freedom to prioritise work, safe in the knowledge that the dc were being looked after by their other parent.

I know that if I went back to work, I would end up doing a job and all the domestic stuff. The nature of dh's work means that a 50/50 split of domestic duties is not possible. I don't fancy that very much, if I'm honest, although I think I would like to go back to work at some point, because I feel vulnerable as a sahm. We kind of have all our eggs in one basket.

Oh I have had this LOADS over the years. I usually brazen it out and say 'I know! It's fabulous isn't it?! I can do whatever I like, go out for lunch, get my hair done, I never have to run around all weekend fitting in all the boring shit I can't do all week - I am so lucky. I love it!'

If I am ever asks in a slightly accusatory passive-aggressive way why I still don't work even though my children are all taller than me are all old enough I simply look them in the eye and say 'oh, two reasons really; I don't want to and I don't need to.'

Incidentally, my DM looked after my kids for a week once while we went away for my 40th. The children were all of school age and old enough to get themselves dressed etc, but they needed to be driven to school and driven home again due to where we lived, the dogs needed walking, washing needed doing, food shopping, laundry, school uniform, clubs, homework, etc etc. When I got back my DM (who was not elderly) said 'My God, I'm exhausted - the days go by so quickly, I feel I've barely dropped them off and got the house straight and dinner planned and it's time to pick them up again.'

I had this a couple of months ago at a lunch with some old colleagues. The "oh, I couldn't stay at home all day, I'd be bored rigid" and "must be nice being a lady if leisure" comments were snidey and rude. And it did spoil my much anticipated and looked forward to afternoon out.

Whilst I admire Worra's complete and utter confidence with her SAHM role, and possibly I am a little over-sensitive because I'm not 100% confident with my 'choice', I really don't see why somebody would need to make comments like that.

I would be to first to admit that now DS(4) is in pre-school and DD is in Year 1, my life is easy - on my 2 days 'off', I go to the gym, visit friends, MN, do some housework. Perhaps my sensitivity stems from the difficulties I had whilst looking after a baby and a toddler and I hated my life. TBH, the people who made the "oh, you're so lucky" comments then were lucky not to get a smack in the face .

And breathe.

Likewise though valium the "I really don't know how you do it all" comments said with a head tilt and a look of pity! It's just bloody patronising!

She is jealous, simple! no more too it than that, as a sahm I am never bored even though mine are big kids 14 an 16 always plenty to do as I suspect you have too. Give this woman a wide berth in future, and embrace how lucky you are to be able to be a sahm. She obvioulys does not have that option!

She was rude to say that, although I have to admit that I have made the odd snide remark to my SAHM friends . it's pure jealousy on my part, but if you didn't feel a little bit like there was some truth in it, it wouldn't bother you surely? If someone said to me 'your a bad mum because you work' i'd tell them where to go and not give it another thought. The fact you're lingering on it so long you came home and wrote a thread about it shows it bothered you for some reason.

"My dh has a v stressful and busy work life,he is also involved in community and voluntary stuff, so I pretty much run everything else in our lives bar work, I know many women manage all this and more, I take my hat off to them genuinely, but I feel pretty stretched in my own role, and certainly dont spend my days idling away constantly remodelling my house or something.

Just wanted to add, I am in the exact same position, apart from working full time. I manage household/clleaning/paying bills/shopping/cooking/takingdsout/etc/etc. i don't understand how you can stretch that out all day!

Just smile sweetly and reply..." Whatever I want, whenever I want."
Which is true in my case.

My MIL asked recently when I would go back to work. I said when she would help out with
the kids. She hasn't asked again
Sahp's have nothing to be ashamed of. We are lucky but you shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it.

Wow, there are some really interesting posts here everyone, thanks to all for your comments and wisdom. I have been consdering this overnight, and I have to say, on reflection, there is no doubt that as a SAHM with my last child having started school I definitely have more leisure time or at least time to myself than I would have had as a WOHM and I feel thankful for that.

When I mentioned upthread about laundry etc i didnt meant to suggest for a minute that I spend entire days struggling with mountains of laundry and ironing, just that with 5 kids, all very sporty, and a dh who wears shirts and ties to work, that there is rather a lot to do on that front.

But I do not feel like a domestic slave tied to the washing machine and kitchen sink. I have a good life. Most days I take an hour to myself and either go for a long walk, meet a friend, maybe ring my mum for a catch up, (she lives 2 miles away so dont see her much). When i worked I never had time to myself at weekends as I was so busy just catching up with housework.

I do feel I have it a lot easier than working mothers, and and i am lucky that my dh can support us.

Mathanxiety I am curious to know btw what you work in as with 5 kids on the go and a full time job that is pretty impressive! How do you manage childcare etc?

I would like to think that I may go back to work at some point, at least part time, but then again i am not that bothered it I do or not, as if I dont, my life is pretty full as it is, and I intend to start volunteering anyhow later on this year.

The hands on dh thing does make a difference too. If i go back to work, I will still end up being responsible 100% for the domestic side of things, just becuase thats how its always been, and my dh just isnt around to pick up the slack monday to friday and beyond. So I would have to take that in to account in any job I went for.

Sorry for prattling on. The main thing is, this lady was being bitchy to me, I do know that, but so what, I should be able for those kind of comments by now and not be so bloody sensitive. Thanks to all of you I now have some great comeback lines to put her in her place!

Just wanted to add, I am in the exact same position, apart from working full time. I manage household/clleaning/paying bills/shopping/cooking/takingdsout/etc/etc. i don't understand how you can stretch that out all day!

Margey and do you do all that with 5 kids under 13? 'Cos if you do, then you really are Superwoman!

Sorry meant to say my mum lives 200 miles away, not 2!

LOL at Milkman, postman, gasman, meter reader and your husband

she should shut the fuck up! she is tad jealous I suspect, hence the griping

BUY I am pleased you agree that you have more time than a WOHM, as you do! that said with 5 children....

Nuff said, lets all be happy !