"So Irishchic, what DO you do all day at home?"

[irishchic]

I was at a Christmas Party on sat night with my husband. I was chatting to a woman whose dh works with my dh. She works full time and has 3dc. I dont work, and have 5dc. She was telling me how totally organised she is for Christmas, has had all her presents bought, wrapped and put in the loft by the end of october. Then she told me that her Xmas dinner table is always set to perfection as she is very particular that everything is just perfect on the day.

So far so good. I must admit to feeling a little inadequate that I was nowhere near as organised as she is, but thats ok, I can live with that. But then she turned to me as said, "So Irishchic, how do you put in your day? I mean you must have SO much free time now that your youngest has started school, you're like a real lady of leisure arent you!?!"

I was a bit gobsmacked. She was being perfectly serious. I have met her on occasion before and she always makes some allusion to me not working, but never anything quite as irritating as this. My dh has also told me that her dh has to frequently listen to her going on about how "easy" irishchic has it at home compared to her.

I was blindsided and muttered something about plenty of housework, shopp[ing laundry etc that has to be done. My dh told me after that I should have just told her to "wind yer neck in love!" or something along those lines.

My dh has a v stressful and busy work life,he is also involved in community and voluntary stuff, so I pretty much run everything else in our lives bar work, I know many women manage all this and more, I take my hat off to them genuinely, but I feel pretty stretched in my own role, and certainly dont spend my days idling away constantly remodelling my house or something.

I am pissed off with her for the comment, but MOSTLY am annoyed with myself for trying to frame a polite response instead of being able to put her in her place with a witty retort. It really ruined my night.

AIBU?

I would feel exactly the same - I vote for peaceandlovebunny's answer though - think I'll file that away for future use. I only have two children and feel there are not enough hours in the day. But I do have a bit of an issue with being a sahm (shame on me because I also believe that my family are lucky that I can and do stay at home) probably because I went to college and worked and had a career and then effectively let it all go ten years ago and would be qualified for very little nowadays. I am in awe of mothers who manage work and family with such good grace but I have yet to hear of sahm's saying to working mums: but how do you/could you do that to your children?? Aren't they being raised by someone else?? I would not say that as each to their own but why then do working women (mainly) feel it is okay to make comments to me about how I have a life of leisure and that I live off my husbands money. I think the fact that she was blowing her own trumpet so much and that she goes on to her dh about how "easy" you have it says that maybe she's not happy with her lot.

I have wondered the same about sahms who continue to be so when all DCs go to school full time.. There's only so much housework to do, and then what?

As a mother of 5 (like Irishchic) I like the idea that 'there is only so much housework to do'. Maybe it's different if you have fewer children, but with 5 you have to be pretty organised to get anything accomplished.

I have heard that sort of remark the woman at the party made and I know the tone -- normally from women who couldn't organise a dogfight without a phonebank and a fleet of secretaries, with notions about themselves and how important they are just because they head out to an office every day. (I doubt you are being oversensitive Irishchic)

I never went back to bed after the school run How did the mother you knew manage that Flossie?

Yeah lafaminute, I know what you mean. I was (am!) a solicitor who gave up working around 5 years ago now. I know what its like to work in a pressurised and demanding job, and I know myself well enough to know that I simply could not have done that job, AND raised five kids and all the running around with extra curric stuff which that entails.

Also, this woman who said this to me, her dh takes their 3dc (all boys) to everything after school and at weekends, he is incredibly hand on, has flexi hours etc and does a lot of the domestic stuff. My dh whilst being a great husband and father, is never around for that sort of stuff, purely because being self employed, and the "boss" he works many evenings as well.

Mathanxiety - I could spend my entire days just doing laundry and ironing my lots generate so much washing, and as they range in age from 12 down to 4 they cannot really do much chores of their own, though i do make them make their beds, tidy bedrooms and toys etc. 5 Kids make a lot of mess, eat a lot of food and generate a lot of after school activity taxi servicing!

I have wondered the same about sahms who continue to be so when all DCs go to school full time.. There's only so much housework to do, and then what?

And then whatever you want.

That's the beauty of it and no worries about childcare before school, after school or during the holidays.

Win - win for me anyway.

Irishchic: I could spend my entire days just doing laundry and ironing my lots generate so much washing.

And I think this demonstrates why these sorts of debates are pointless. My family also generate a huge amount of washing and I too could spend all day washing and ironing. But I work full time so I can't/don't. I do my washing in the most time efficient way I can and do not iron anything (and I don't have anyone else do it either). Whilst I'm sure Irishchic feels (and is) working hard doing laundry all day, to someone in my position it seems that she has enough 'leisure time' to spend all day doing something she could probably do much quicker

Work fills the time available.

Which is why SAHMs think they work hard all day, and why WOHMs think SAHMs must live a life of leisure.

I didn't ever iron either. Always had a washer and dryer and never weather-dependent. But there was always lots else to get done.

But how smug to think women like me made work for ourselves -- out of desperation to fill our otherwise empty days perhaps?

while on maternity leave i wondered how the hell i was going to fit work in.

SAHP can have a lot to do, that don't mean housework

To be honest washing just involves bundling some clothes up, shoving them in a machine and pressing a button for me anyway and I only iron things that absolutely need it

I'm an old fart (43 ) and my Mum's life as a SAHM was completely different to mine.

She had a top loader washing machine and separate spin dryer...that was so much hassle to use, she'd go to the launderette once a week as well.

She had no tumble dryer
No hoover (used a broom or a carpet sweeper)
No car
No microwave
No slow cooker
No dishwasher
No disposable nappies
No online shopping
No huge supermarkets
No online banking
Not even a fridge or an inside toilet for many years.
No convenience foods to speak of...packet custard was considered convenient.

Even the shopping involved queuing up at the butchers, the greengrocers, the bakers, the hardware store, the post office, the bank, the chemist, the drug store...etc etc..

Clothes weren't as cheap and disposable as they are now so her evenings were spent darning socks, sewing on buttons and knitting cardigans.

So yes of course SAHMs nowadays, with school aged children have loads of time on their hands but it's our choice to stay at home and whatever works for each individual family...well it just works

If your life is anything like my mothers (sahm of 5) then I'm suprised you have time to breath.

I have been a sahm, it wasn't for me, I never could find enough to fill my time whilst ds was at nursery each morning. I spent many hours bored stiff.There was only so many times I could swim and clean a house- but I think that says more about me being a boring sod (plus only having 1 child) than your life as a sahm.

I think I would be tempted to respond with something along the lines of... "well, you know all the stuff you'd love to do but don't have time for? I do that" just to wind her up a little bit. But I am a bit of a t**t so that is probably why

Mathanxiety - I think you have completely misunderstood my post. At no point did I suggest that people 'like you' (whatever that means) invented things to do out of desperation. I simply said that work expands to fill the time available. IME that seems to be pretty much a given. I am yet to hear a single one of my recently retired friends tell me how much time they have. No, they all tell me they don't know how they had the time to go to work - i.e. they are just as busy as when they did work.

I can see nothing in my post that might suggest I am feeling smug (wrong word, surely?). Or was it the bit about where I said I had a full time job that got your back up? Because I'm not 'like you'?

I know you 'simply said that work expands to fill the time available' and that is what I found objectionable, and patronising, and not a given because organising a household with 5 children in it involves planning, not least planning for perhaps a half day off per seven day week, or the equivalent spread out during the week.

I have a full time job now and it is not remotely like being a SAHM because I am completely in charge of my work environment, with nobody interrupting when my door is shut, someone to deflect phone calls when I am not available, someone to come by and empty the bin in the office and dust the desk, nobody to carry on my back while I cook dinner, nobody to fight with about piano practice, nobody coming home from school in tears about some friendship thing, nobody clinging to my legs as I hoover or demanding my attention as children tend to do, with no idea that you have things that you need to get done that day or there will be no dinner or clean knickers tomorrow... The luxury of being able to get a thought finished is incredible. The joy of assessing a project and knowing exactly how long it will take because you can control or avoid the interruptions -- priceless.

The slog and exhaustion that SAHMs experience comes from not being able to call your soul your own, and sometimes not even being assured of privacy in the loo and quiet at night. You live and work in the same space, and children assume you are open for business 24 hours a day. You can never shut the door on it and walk away to a different environment and be a different you.

LibrarianByDay I had to read your post 3 times myself, I think the problem is you say "people in my position" which immidiatly give the impression of us vs them as though you were saying that's how you feel. .

I wasn't entirely sure what you meant until after you replied to math

The line by itself could be well-meaning, or it could be slyly offensive. The OP gave more background info which suggests it is the latter, in which case the options are to deflect the comment lightly, or return a pointed barb highlighting her rudeness.

There are certainly a class of stay at home parents where we might privately wonder to ourselves what they do with their time. But as long as social services isn't involved for neglect, and the partner seems happy to continue arrangement (and finance it), then there's nothing wrong with it, and it's nobody's business.

There are so many variables involved that it is impossible to make a true comparison of staying at home versus working outside the home. I don't believe all stay at home parents are exhausted and never go to the toilet in peace, or have time for a coffee. Nor do I believe all jobs involve nonstop productivity.

Both sides need to recognise that there are benefits and downsides to either position, and these vary greatly according to:

• the number of children
• how demanding they are
• the type of accommodation you live in
• mod cons available
• childcare availability
• your skills and capabilities
• partner/family support
• money/income to throw at problems
• the challenges involved with your particular employment

Now with the OP, I think it was a drastic overreaction for the comment to ruin the night. It was rude, but you seem to be feeling quite insecure for it to leave you feeling gobsmacked, blindsided, and inadequate. I don't have any quick suggestions on how to resolve this, but it's good for you to be aware that this might be an issue for you and something to work on.

I don't work and all three of mine are in school now. It's brill. I spend the morning running with the dogs, have a nice long shower, throw in a load of laundry, eat lunch and catch up on e-mails/news/MN, do a spot of light housekeeping or run a few errands, walk the dogs again and then it's time to pick up the kids (they finish at 2:30). Then it's supervising HW and/or ballet, swimming, gymnastics, play dates and back home for the dinner I've prepared/shopped for earlier. After that it's baths, stories, bed for kids and Then DH and I are happily reclined on the sofa at 7:30 having a glass of wine and watching Homeland.

Ask her what her evenings are like .

Isn't it a fair question then? I'm a SAHM and wondering whether to go back to work when DC are both at school or to stay home. I would imagine that staying at home I would have time for other pursuits and interests. Yes I do like the idea of a more organised family life (and therefore more free time as a family at weekends etc) but I'd hope to develop a skill, or a hobby or volunteer or something.

I'd have thought as a topic of small talk its a fair question though or am I missing something? I'm interested in what people do whether thats work, leisure, hobbies etc. The answer could range from, "spending mornings at the gym" to whatever really I'd have thought. I know a few SAHM and they are always full of exciting activities like leading Brownies, volunteering in school etc.

Ooops losts of posts since - basically I am hoping if I stay home my life would be like SrirachaGirls.:) There just has to be far more leisure time if you SAHM (with school age kids) than WOHM. How people use it is up to them and that's what's interesting surely, hence the question?

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease, the OP stated that the woman 'always makes some allusion to me not working' and 'her DH has to frequently listen to her going on about how "easy" irishchic has it at home compared to her'.

So, while I agree with you that in the right context (friendly relationship, phrased nicely) it could be a valid question, in this case it seems to be a sly dig at the OP.

If I were having this convo with a friend, I would hope to phrase it in a way that could be applicable to anyone who works, or who stays at home. Something like 'so how do you find ...x activity...?' or 'what does a typical day look like for you?'

Irish, she is so obviously jealous of your position or why does she keep mentioning it - this doesn't sound like an idle attempt to make conversation.

Most law firms are sweat shops these days so I have no doubt that, demanding as your life is, you have the better deal, and she knows that.

You are obviously highly skilled and qualified so a little voice in your head keeps asking if you should be doing more career wise. Don't worry, you can always go back to the law later, if you want to, but if you are happy and your family are happy as you are, why bother.

I suppose it's how the question is posed? You're right though...it could be a genuine question. I always want to quiz various people I meet about their occupations.

And there's still plenty of time for other pursuits, of course. Take a class, volunteer to read with kids at the school or in the community, learn a language or whatever takes your fancy. Good Luck .

Oh yes quite probably envious - I would be in her situation of someone able to have more leisure time. But if they've not met often isn't that the type of thing you say at a Christmas Party ?

Oops...slow typing. Was replying to Giraffes.

Well, I think unless you've been at home full time then you have no idea of the amount of work involved. I've done been a SAHM and WOHM and tbh have never had time on my hands either time. I've been asked the same in the past and tbh haven't felt offended by it. It's my life and I do what's necessary at the time.

Try not to let it bother you OP. It's unlikely she meant to upset you and if she did, she's not worth your time and effort anyway.

Oh god not the 'lady of leisure' comment again. I've had that said to me before. Even when all of mine were under 3 and I was drowning

Now I'm a sahm and all mine are at school. Yes, I'm lucky, but I don't feel the need to justify it to anyone or feel lacking because if it. Tbh I'm not esp interested in anyone else's domestic setup so why they should care about mine let alone have an opinion on it, baffles me.

Some great responses on here. I think if anyone wants to make catty 'lady of leisure' comments then play it up all the way to the max. Give 'em something to be jealous about Then go and speak to someone else.

'Whatever I want to to' is a good one I read on here the other week :)