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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"So Irishchic, what DO you do all day at home?"

109 replies

irishchic · 17/12/2012 17:19

I was at a Christmas Party on sat night with my husband. I was chatting to a woman whose dh works with my dh. She works full time and has 3dc. I dont work, and have 5dc. She was telling me how totally organised she is for Christmas, has had all her presents bought, wrapped and put in the loft by the end of october. Then she told me that her Xmas dinner table is always set to perfection as she is very particular that everything is just perfect on the day.

So far so good. I must admit to feeling a little inadequate that I was nowhere near as organised as she is, but thats ok, I can live with that. But then she turned to me as said, "So Irishchic, how do you put in your day? I mean you must have SO much free time now that your youngest has started school, you're like a real lady of leisure arent you!?!"

I was a bit gobsmacked. She was being perfectly serious. I have met her on occasion before and she always makes some allusion to me not working, but never anything quite as irritating as this. My dh has also told me that her dh has to frequently listen to her going on about how "easy" irishchic has it at home compared to her.

I was blindsided and muttered something about plenty of housework, shopp[ing laundry etc that has to be done. My dh told me after that I should have just told her to "wind yer neck in love!" or something along those lines.

My dh has a v stressful and busy work life,he is also involved in community and voluntary stuff, so I pretty much run everything else in our lives bar work, I know many women manage all this and more, I take my hat off to them genuinely, but I feel pretty stretched in my own role, and certainly dont spend my days idling away constantly remodelling my house or something.

I am pissed off with her for the comment, but MOSTLY am annoyed with myself for trying to frame a polite response instead of being able to put her in her place with a witty retort. It really ruined my night.

AIBU?

OP posts:

pillowcase · 17/12/2012 17:52

I once asked a friend this in all innocence, ie before I had kids myself. Recently I saw her and told her I still think of how insulting my question must have seemed. She'd forgotten all about it. Sometimes we overthink things.

pillowcase · 17/12/2012 17:53

I add that I have 3 dc and am at home all day and do precious little housework. I'm writing a novel and haven't admitted that to most people so I dread them asking what I do. But nobody ever asks

pillowcase · 17/12/2012 17:54

3 dc who are at school all day*

FrothyOM · 17/12/2012 17:54

Facials, massages, nails, hobbies, afternoon naps...

She is obviously jealous - so wind her up! I would.

malteserzz · 17/12/2012 17:58

I have 2 and a half days at home by myself and have lots of free time! Only 2dc but the cooking, cleaning etc must be similar wonder what I'm not doing that I should be!

thebody · 17/12/2012 17:58

Silly cow!! She's jealous.

Laugh out loud and say ' how funny' ghat should shut her up.

Or tell her your a day time prostitute.

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 17/12/2012 17:58

lol at "wind yer neck in love"!
i think your DH had it right

cheeky mare

i think the standard Mumsnet response is needed - did you mean to be rude?

Mollydoggerson · 17/12/2012 18:05

Really rile her up. tell her you go to the gym and meet friends for coffee and shopping trips..

autumnlights12 · 17/12/2012 18:08

if she works time with 3 kids and goes on and on about what you do, she's obviously green with envy. Feel a little bit sorry for her.

Original poster

irishchic · 17/12/2012 18:12

Absolutely LOVING these responses ladies, thank you for making me laugh.

Yes I am probably overthinking,and possibly oversensitive, but I was there and i heard the tone of her voice, it wasnt friendly or jokey, it was quite patronising, and I am not normally an oversensitive type.

I am quite happy in what I do, i'm not defensive about my role, I just dont like being patronised really.

I will be ready for the next time with a barrage of witty put downs thanks to all you guys!

OP posts:

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 17/12/2012 18:16

I have to say, I do wonder at the SAHMs who seem to be constantly busy.

I study, volunteer and have 3 dc, one of whom has only barely started playschool and I quite honestly sit on my arse a fair percentage of the time.

But it has recently occurred to me that there may be some correlation between other peoples houses always looking so much nicer than mine and the above statement

EssexGurl · 17/12/2012 18:21

Ooh, this winds me up no end. I have been both a working mother and a stay at home mother. When I was working I never criticised anyones choice to stay at home. Now I'm at home it seems to be fair game for working mothers to belittle me. I'm already getting lots of comments about what am I going to do when DD starts school next year. I don't stay at home through choice but childcare issues and it really grates. I don't judge others choices but working mums seem to think that they have the moral high ground IME.

SantasBigBaubles · 17/12/2012 18:22

Your dh is an arse for repeating what she has been saying to you, that would annoy me first of all.

Next, she sounds properly jealous, I never spend anytime worrying about how other people spend their time!

SantasBigBaubles · 17/12/2012 18:24

Oh also next time she has anythign to say I would spend a half hour regailing her with the minutue of my day and how busy I really am...and then I would end it with... "can't wait till the kids are old enough for me to go back to work and relax!"

LettyAshton · 17/12/2012 18:31

I have received these sorts of comments from people over the years. I was especially at the cow up the road who said "I could never let my brain rot". Her mother turns up at 7.30am 5 days a week to look after her dcs. And also why is her brain necessarily so active? Is every job mentally so stimulating? I bet I'd wipe the floor with her in an Only Connect contest...

autumnlights12 · 17/12/2012 18:33

these conversations rarely happen in reverse. I can't ever imagine asking a working mum friend if she hates being away from her toddler all day. Because its just so rude. It seems that sahm's are fair game.

Mayisout · 17/12/2012 18:33

Well, anyone who asks how you fill your day is implying that it's pretty empty imo. I mean you wouldn't ask a surgeon 'and how do you fill your day, mate?' (mind you alot of desk jobs have alot of non-urgent time ime).

I would come up wiht some VV deserving charity that you spend your time helping, you can describe how distressing some of the work is but how rewarding to help those so disadvantaged.

That should shut her up.

Inthepotty · 17/12/2012 18:41

Well I have 2 mars bars at 11am then have a quick with shag the postman. Usually works.

autumnlights12 · 17/12/2012 18:42

yeah, that's a good comeback May. In my working life, in a managerial role, there were many 'empty' moments drinking coffee, watering the office plants, chatting about last nights telly and our kids. It's not all high powered, pressurised hours of intense brain activity, at work. Much of it is petty pen pushing and sometimes selling your soul to the devil to up your boss's profit margins.

Loveweekends10 · 17/12/2012 18:52

Sorry but as a mum of 2 who works full time I've often wondered the same. But I would never say it. Except on here!

Doneinagain · 17/12/2012 18:53

Agree with other posters that she's clearly jealous of you on some level otherwise why would it bother her what you do all day???
When I first had my second Dd my best friend once let slip 'oh I imagine you must have loads of time to read now you're now longer working The hair dryer treatment quickly shut her up

SantaWearsGreen · 17/12/2012 19:02

I have wondered the same about sahms who continue to be so when all DCs go to school full time.. There's only so much housework to do, and then what?

Flossiechops · 17/12/2012 19:02

I have to admit I often wonder this about sahm with school age kids. I would never dare ask though as its none of my business, she is probably just jealous. Most working mums have to run a house, juggle a family etc. One of the mums at school usually goes back to bed after the school run, now I'm very jealous of that!

Original poster

irishchic · 17/12/2012 19:04

Loveweekends - I worked full time up until I had dc3, then part time till dc4 arrived. I farmed out a lot of my housework, and then had a neverending pile of domestic stuff on a list which I could never get round to, sorting photos into frames, putting away summer clothes, decluttering stuff and general non vital jobs that got put off for ever. I am now much more organised, (as i ought to be being at home all day) and our family life runs a lot more smoothly cos i am under less pressure than I used to be when I was working. I am also probably not the most dynamic and efficient of people, so when I worked out of home, my house was messier, less organised and less home cooked meals etc.

Many women can work AND run a tight domestic ship and as i said up thread i take my hat off to them.

OP posts:

Whatwhatwhat · 17/12/2012 19:25

You should have told her about putting the photos into the frames.

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