Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect DH to be supportive about my depression?

88 replies

Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 13:57

I have suffered with PND after the birth of each of my children, and now am suffering delayed onset PND after the birth of my third child. DH hasn't been sympathetic during any bouts of PND and is even less sympathetic and supportive this time.

I have seen my GP, am on medication, and am awaiting a referral to see a consultant, and I really am trying to and want to feel better, but I am struggling big time. Every task feels like a massive task to me right now, I can't think or make decisions with any clarity and I just can't be the organised person that I normally am. I am also feeling very oversensitive and get upset very easily, although having said that my sister has behaved appallingly to me recently so I feel very justified in being upset about that.

To cut a long story short, my DH just gets annoyed with me for being depressed. I am trying so hard to get things done in the house but it feels like an uphill struggle. Even loading the dishwasher feels like a massive task. I do do things each day but sometimes I am overwhelmed and I just cry. The kids take up all my energy, and that's fine but I can't cope with much else.

He has spent the whole weekend being in a bad mood with me as I am not as on top of the house as I normally am and he's had to pitch in to help. This is going to sound silly but one thing that I am struggling with is grocery shopping; I just can't think clearly, can't make any decisions, and can't do things like meal planning because of this. But he won't do the food shopping or even an online shop so that I don't have to think about it at the moment. He wont' even give any suggestions as to what to have for dinner each night. He got cross with me yesterday afternoon as I hadn't done much in the house over the weekend; I do try though and I did do a few tasks yesterday, but it takes me a long time.

He has also said that if I don't get better soon and start keeping on top of the housework he will leave. Believe me, I do want to get better, I hate feeling this way and I am trying as hard as I can, but I feel this kind of pressure has the total opposite effect to what he thinks it will have. I haven't even got the energy to argue back when he has a go at me. He moaned at me at the weekend because I've not done much Xmas shopping, but this all goes back to me having lack of clarity and not making decisions.

I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can possibly try, and when I need a bit of nurturing and looking after he doesn't want to know.

OP posts:
MrsKeithRichards · 17/12/2012 13:59

You are not the problem.

CailinDana · 17/12/2012 14:02

I agree with MrsRichards. Tell him if housework is so important to him that he's willing to throw away his marriage for it then he should do it himself or go ahead and leave.

I'm guessing that if you get away from this shit of a man you will probably start to recover from your depression pretty soon.

chickensaresafehere · 17/12/2012 14:03

Sounds just like my ExH!!
You should not have to cope with this alone,you need his support & he should be giving it.

Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:05

I wish he would realise how hard I am trying and how difficult I find things each day. He won't do a thing to help in the house or with the kids but seems to think I should be doing it all feeling like this

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 17/12/2012 14:05

he is being a shit.

But if you use advanced search and see there have been a few threads lately about hoe difficult it can be to be the partner of someone with depression.

Do you discuss it without arguing? Could he be involved with your appointments or something to get him more involved and therefore understand what one is better.

StuntGirl · 17/12/2012 14:07

MrsKeithRichards speaks the truth. I'm sorry you are feeling so down and unsupported Thanks

Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:07

I can understand how difficult it is brady. However I just don't feel that him shouting at me and berating me for not doing enough is going to do me any good long term.

I try to discuss it without arguing but he genuinely doesn't believe he should have to do anything.

OP posts:
DozyDuck · 17/12/2012 14:09

Your DH??? He's your DH??? My boyfriend is depressed at the moment and I'm supporting him more than your DH is supporting you. Been together 2 months!!

You are not the problem.

He needs to support you a hell of a lot moreAngry

Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:13

I've had a bad morning this morning; did the school run and managed to do the dishwasher and a bit of laundry, then to my DC's preschool christmas show then to the supermarket to get tonight's tea, but other than that I've done nothing. And I am dreading him getting home as he's going to be in a bad mood.

OP posts:
pmcblonde · 17/12/2012 14:14

Can you afford to get a cleaner or a Mother's Help for a couple of hours a week?

Can you get any help from Homestart www.home-start.org.uk/about_us/what_we_do/support_services or via your Health Visitor?

My husband suffers from depression and as supportive as I am on the outside, and as much as I know and accept that this is a medical condition that he can't help, there are days when I just want to say 'pull yourself together' (I don't ever say this obviously). It's an intensely frustrating condition and it makes me so angry that I can't fix things for him. I try really hard to keep these feelings away from him so have developed other ways of venting. If your husband is someone who doesn't have an outlet or finds it difficult to talk about mental health issues with his friends then he's going to find it very difficult which might be why he's taking it out on you. He needs to find a better way to cope.

You clearly need some help and some (most) of that will need to come from him so he will have to find to way to cope. If you can get a good support worker then they might be able to work with both of you to agree what would be reasonable expectations at the moment.

Also Christmas is horribly stressful for many people so things may improve in a couple of weeks. If you've only just started anti-depressants then you may feel better able to cope once they've kicked in properly (usually 2-4 weeks).

Of course he might just be a git.

DozyDuck · 17/12/2012 14:15

Haughty that's more than I've done! I've taken DS to hospital for a brainwave scan then sat in the toy room with him eating sweets.

You've done really well today Smile

MakeItALarge · 17/12/2012 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz · 17/12/2012 14:15

That's not nothing! How much does he 'expect' from you with 3 DC's? What is his share of the childcare and housework?

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry · 17/12/2012 14:16

haughty reading your post has made me equally sad and angry.

I am currently on medication as i was diagnosed with depression 2 weeks ago. My kids are older and theoretically much easier to cope with (ha ha)

that said, while i was at my worst, and physically and mentally knackered, DH did everything.

it was all i could do to roll out of bed. i wasnt dressing or washing, let alone doing housework or shopping.

Your DH is the probelm. He is bullying you - that will not get you well. You need tthe pressure off and to be kind to yourself.

Can you go and stay with anyone for a while? a friend? your mum? someone who will bestow a little TLC on you.
i want to smack your DH. He is being an insensitive arse.

ISayHolmes · 17/12/2012 14:17

Your depression is not the issue here, it's HIM. Don't get caught up in thinking that it's the PND causing all of these problems, that it's your fault and that the mental illness is the root of this. He's the one who refuses to help with things, who wants you to do everything, who would leave his wife over her inability to complete all of the housework while he does jack shit. His moods and lack of support are not helping you and may be responsible for at least part of how you are feeling at the moment.

He is behaving in a disgusting manner.

MakeItALarge · 17/12/2012 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsFlibble · 17/12/2012 14:20

I also i had severe depression, made worse by ex partner cheating, SS getting involved and judging my parenting, it took me along time heel, getting all these toxic people out of my life helped me.

Ironically, when my exp had depression i supported him, even though he didnt support me.

I think your DH is part of the problem, the constant putdowns only validate the already low opinion you have right now. Time away from him would free up some of your foggy mind.

Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:21

He just makes me feel totally powerless threatening to leave me but not doing anything to help me feel better in any way. I hate feeling like this I really do, would do anything to just feel normal again. I try to get that across to him, that I just need support for a bit and if I have that I'll be ok, but now he's got me worrying he's going to leave me, then I get myself in a state about that, then it makes things worse and I get less done

OP posts:
knackeredknitter · 17/12/2012 14:21

what a twat.
Chuck him out and with the csa money, plus benefits, you could get a cleaner and recover from PND properly without all his crap

nurseneedshelp · 17/12/2012 14:22

You poor thing!

You've done far more than me today!
I'm on a downer today and I'm still in my pj's, am about to get showered and dressed to do the school run, I've done nothing all day, my DP has just rang to Say he will cook tonight.

How dare your DH not support you!

I think you need to sit down and have a long talk to make him understand how you feel, he needs to step up to the mark and bloody help you!

nurseneedshelp · 17/12/2012 14:23

He sounds like an obnoxious abusive twat! This has made me really mad!

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 17/12/2012 14:23

OP has he ever been supportive?

If he refuses to try and work with you then he is just a shit.

It must be so hard for you. It also must be hard for him, but he is doing sweet FA to help the situation.

Some people don't 'get' depression. If it was a physical illness I am sure he would be more supportive (would he?).

Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:24

I keep trying to talk to him but he can only see things by how they affect him, and apparently life isn't fair at the moment as I am behaving unfairly by not pulling my weight

OP posts:
Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:25

brady, he was slightly more supportive during the previous times but I wouldn't say he was supportive really, no.

I wish he would understand that if he helped and was supportive, it would get me back to being the person he wants me to be even quicker.

OP posts:
MrsFlibble · 17/12/2012 14:26

I keep trying to talk to him but he can only see things by how they affect him, and apparently life isn't fair at the moment as I am behaving unfairly by not pulling my weight

What!!!!! what self centred twat, but his boot his arse out. "Me me me" what a bloody man child.