to expect DH to be supportive about my depression?

[Haughtyculture]

I have suffered with PND after the birth of each of my children, and now am suffering delayed onset PND after the birth of my third child. DH hasn't been sympathetic during any bouts of PND and is even less sympathetic and supportive this time.

I have seen my GP, am on medication, and am awaiting a referral to see a consultant, and I really am trying to and want to feel better, but I am struggling big time. Every task feels like a massive task to me right now, I can't think or make decisions with any clarity and I just can't be the organised person that I normally am. I am also feeling very oversensitive and get upset very easily, although having said that my sister has behaved appallingly to me recently so I feel very justified in being upset about that.

To cut a long story short, my DH just gets annoyed with me for being depressed. I am trying so hard to get things done in the house but it feels like an uphill struggle. Even loading the dishwasher feels like a massive task. I do do things each day but sometimes I am overwhelmed and I just cry. The kids take up all my energy, and that's fine but I can't cope with much else.

He has spent the whole weekend being in a bad mood with me as I am not as on top of the house as I normally am and he's had to pitch in to help. This is going to sound silly but one thing that I am struggling with is grocery shopping; I just can't think clearly, can't make any decisions, and can't do things like meal planning because of this. But he won't do the food shopping or even an online shop so that I don't have to think about it at the moment. He wont' even give any suggestions as to what to have for dinner each night. He got cross with me yesterday afternoon as I hadn't done much in the house over the weekend; I do try though and I did do a few tasks yesterday, but it takes me a long time.

He has also said that if I don't get better soon and start keeping on top of the housework he will leave. Believe me, I do want to get better, I hate feeling this way and I am trying as hard as I can, but I feel this kind of pressure has the total opposite effect to what he thinks it will have. I haven't even got the energy to argue back when he has a go at me. He moaned at me at the weekend because I've not done much Xmas shopping, but this all goes back to me having lack of clarity and not making decisions.

I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can possibly try, and when I need a bit of nurturing and looking after he doesn't want to know.

I came on here to say that it can be hard bwing the partner of someone who is depressed

Then I read your thread

Tbh your problem is your dh. When you are well enough to do everything, things are ok, when you are vulnerable and tired after the birth of your children, then doing everything becomes overwhelming and you struggle

You shouldn't have to do everything. You shouldn't have to feel the house has to be immaculate and you do all the cooking and shopping. Even if you were well. When you are ill, he should be pulling his weight even more

There was a thread on here a month ago about women whose depression disappeared when they left their husbands. I suspect you might find the same

whathasthecatdonenow I also wish she had left him! What a total cock!!!

What an arse he is. My ex suffered depression and its incredibly hard supporting someone for 5 years, waiting and hoping, treading in egg shells. But I did everything to take the pressure off, all the house stuff, cooking cleaning, talking to his boss being the bread winner when he quit work.
This is what your dh should be doing. You need a real stern word about his lack of support, he helped make the babies so he can help them and you. You need to be a team.

If you are physically ill, for instance, really bad flu/tummy bug - is he helpful then?

Is it the fact that it's a mental illness rather than a physical one he can't get his head around - if so perhaps taking him to the GP with you so they can explain how real your condition is to him might help.

My DH has never really got his head around my suffering from depression (both clinical & PND over the years), and therefore is not able to be as sympathetic as I'd like, but he has always supported me on practical level & certainly never threatened to leave me over it.

Tbh whilst I'd like to give him the vendor of the doubt, I suspect your 'D'H is simply a selfish, controlling wanker.

Never mind getting back to 'being the person he wants you to be' - get back to being who you want to be and then kick the bastard into touch.

Oh gosh just read the rest of this, sod the stern words! Like others have said it seems to suit him you being this way. Don't clean for a week and if its making him want to leave point him to the door. You'll be amazed how much easier things actually are on your own. Xx

You should also point out to him that by him not helping you and supporting you he is having a direct impact on your ability to recover and to look after your babies.
Your kids are the main concern, you need to get well not so that you can cook and clean for him but so that your kids have a happy healthy mum. It pisses me off when men don't see that the way they are with the mother of their child/children has a direct impact on the child.

How you have coped so far is a great example of strong you are. How have you coped?! Give yourself a massive pat on back and tomorrow take the children outside. Park or garden or beach, the weather is mild and the sunshine/light will help boost your spirits. Not a long term answer but will help

YOu know what?

Your response to bridget was so much more together than you other posts, is that the real you? Is the you that you were before you gave up work and he started putting you down and treating you like shit?

YOu need to channel her, because although I would never suggest you dont have depression, I do wonder if what you actually have is a fucking terrible husband who has put you down and squashed you so hard that you cant think straight.

Look inside yourself for the real you, you know she is there, and tell him to shape up or ship out.

i agree with the others that your problem is your dh but i strongly suspect you arnt going to look into leaving him at least not yet.

so take some of the suggestions here it seems like there has been some really useful one .

also try every day to praise your self not oh no i only managed to do the dishes but yes i did the dishes. this will at least if nothing else improve your self esteem.

i remember reading that you like the idea of a routine, and a list was also suggested which are both great. one thing i would say about a list is not to concentrate on how many things there are on it but the great big tick you put next to each thing you achieve.

you get up everyday you get dressed you take your kids to school that makes you a great mum who cares if they have frozen chips for tea 3 times a week until you feel better.

celebrate the things you do do. i think you are fantastic

Oh poor you, you sound very alone and very beaten down by everything. I found councelling amazing for helping me see that 'it's not me, it's them others', & when I'd removed the unpleasant people in my life, I felt alot more able to cope. It's takes time though & you just need to take little steps at first.

One thing my councellor said to me was 'think about all the interactions you have in a day, are they mostly positive or mostly negative? Do they take energy & warmth, or give it?' the idea being that it doesn't matter how strong you are, if every day takes a little bit away from you, you will be ground down. He also said 'be kind to yourself, seek out positive interactions, just to 'bank a few', be that a nice chat, a nice shop assistant, a smile, just tiny tiny things.

It totally reframed the way I was thinking, made me realise how I'd ended up surrounded by very selfish & mean people, so Of Course I felt depressed & like a failure. Just wondered if any of this rang any bells?

I love your name.

I think you're doing lots.

I'd struggle to function and stay happy with someone dragging me down all the time as your H is you and I'm not unwell.

Routines are good. Eat well, try to sleep well, do some exercise, even just walking for 20 mins, find someone to talk to properly, see friends and do social stuff even if you don't talk properly.

I do think asking him to leave for a fixed period would be a good idea. Two or three weeks. Jut to let you focus on the things you do without being distracted and undermined by his negativity and demands all the time.

Fwiw I was on my own when I had DS and I thought it at the time and still do think that it was easier to not have a man.
All I had to think about was me and DS, it didn't matter if I didn't have a clean plate in the house, so what? Who's going to complain? I had no man expecting tea on the table when he got home, I'd have a ready meal once DS was in bed.
As much as I love DP I actually miss those quieter simpler times.

www.moodscope.com/login

I found this useful when I was depressed a couple of years ago. It helps track your mood and emails friends if you're feeling particularly low.