to expect DH to be supportive about my depression?

[Haughtyculture]

I have suffered with PND after the birth of each of my children, and now am suffering delayed onset PND after the birth of my third child. DH hasn't been sympathetic during any bouts of PND and is even less sympathetic and supportive this time.

I have seen my GP, am on medication, and am awaiting a referral to see a consultant, and I really am trying to and want to feel better, but I am struggling big time. Every task feels like a massive task to me right now, I can't think or make decisions with any clarity and I just can't be the organised person that I normally am. I am also feeling very oversensitive and get upset very easily, although having said that my sister has behaved appallingly to me recently so I feel very justified in being upset about that.

To cut a long story short, my DH just gets annoyed with me for being depressed. I am trying so hard to get things done in the house but it feels like an uphill struggle. Even loading the dishwasher feels like a massive task. I do do things each day but sometimes I am overwhelmed and I just cry. The kids take up all my energy, and that's fine but I can't cope with much else.

He has spent the whole weekend being in a bad mood with me as I am not as on top of the house as I normally am and he's had to pitch in to help. This is going to sound silly but one thing that I am struggling with is grocery shopping; I just can't think clearly, can't make any decisions, and can't do things like meal planning because of this. But he won't do the food shopping or even an online shop so that I don't have to think about it at the moment. He wont' even give any suggestions as to what to have for dinner each night. He got cross with me yesterday afternoon as I hadn't done much in the house over the weekend; I do try though and I did do a few tasks yesterday, but it takes me a long time.

He has also said that if I don't get better soon and start keeping on top of the housework he will leave. Believe me, I do want to get better, I hate feeling this way and I am trying as hard as I can, but I feel this kind of pressure has the total opposite effect to what he thinks it will have. I haven't even got the energy to argue back when he has a go at me. He moaned at me at the weekend because I've not done much Xmas shopping, but this all goes back to me having lack of clarity and not making decisions.

I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can possibly try, and when I need a bit of nurturing and looking after he doesn't want to know.

I wonder if you being stuck in the painful fog of PND is suiting him. Not being able to think clearly makes it much harder for you to work out what sort of attitude towards you is unacceptable.

Perhaps a Children's Centre could signpost you to some PND support and information on entitlements should you separate.

Getting hold of the facts will make the future seem a bit less daunting as depression can make you automatically think the worst.

Haughty when suffering depression I have found it useful to have a routine to help me keep up with things. So, for me, Monday is sort kitchen and order online groceries, Tuesday is living and dining room, Wednesday is bedrooms, Thursday is receive groceries and do bathrooms, Friday is paperwork, Saturday is change sheets and towels. I also do one load of washing or one basket of ironing every day if possible. This helps me keep on top of things by giving me a bare minimum for the day. Can your 13yo help with anything to get more pocket money?

Thank you to everyone for the comments and advice.

Stuntnun, I like the idea of a routine. I think that's something I will look into .

Is it possible that you could get some outside help, others have mentioned a cleaner but it is it possible that either your parents or PILs, brothers and sisters or friends could come over and help out with the housework?

I don't think he's behaving as supportively as he should but I don't think you should underestimate how tough it is for him at the moment either. Presumably he's doing a full time job plus the lions share of the housework, helping look after the children and looking after you as well, he does have rather a lot on his plate.

You're probably not either in a good state of mind at the moment I think that getting some outside help to take the pressure off would be a good idea. I know when I had PND it almost drove my husband into a depression himself because he was so exhausted doing everything. And I wasn't very nice to him either when I was depressed.

I don't think he's behaving as supportively as he should but I don't think you should underestimate how tough it is for him at the moment either. Presumably he's doing a full time job plus the lions share of the housework, helping look after the children and looking after you as well, he does have rather a lot on his plate.

As OP has stated he wont help with anything.

Haught You could survive without him, you would be entitled to a number of benefits.

Bridget, did you read the right thread? Haughty's husband won't do anything around the house.

MrsFlibble The OP said that he was pitching in then said he didn't do anything so it's not very clear.

Stuntnun that's exactly what I did when I had PND. I broke down what I had to do into manageable chunks and then did a little bit each day. If I got up and thought of that had to be done I felt overwhelmed and ended up doing nothing. But if I just had a few small jobs like doing the hoovering or changing the sheets I found it much more manageable.

Oh yeah, but pitching in still doesnt sound like much and that hes forced too.

I would second the idea of a routine.

I really struggle with sorting the house and I signed up to the fly lady website . Biggest thing I took from it is start somewhere- they suggest sorting the kitchen sink. Split tasks into 15mins. Declutter a room each week till house is emptier but not full of junk. They also say not to expect perfection. I found it really helped.

On the subject of your dh what does he do at the weeknd? Is he hands on with kids to give you a bit of a break? Long term would you think about going back to work?

The one thing I do is to keep all the food shopping receipts so when it's really bad i just look at them and get the same.

Or do tesco on line- my friend just reorders last weeks order every week! She has loads of teabags but it makes it easy.

I dont get why doing an online shop is just a big task for OP's DH, not like you need to go out, just point and click.

Being someone who has had PND after each of my boys, the greatest help was having a cleaner for a few hours each week. The house was actually quite a big source of stress for me and I could just about manage to get the place tidy with a lot of effort but never cleaned. If you could even just have a cleaner once a fortnight then that would make a big difference.

I had a helpful supportive DH who never raised an eyebrow at my low PND house standards. He could see I was struggling and did everything he could to help me. I've been feeling better about 6 months now.

Secondly I think you need to have a break and do something for yourself. Ideally a couple of times a week - exercise, go for a coffee alone and read a paper etc. Maybe you should leave the children with him for one weekend infact so that he can fully understand how much work is involved in looking after the children and keeping the house.

Thirdly I think you need to talk to your friends. I know you think they wont be much help physically but just being honest and open with them will make you closer and bring some important verbal support.

Lastly, what about asking him to leave? Talk to citizens advice about what support would be in place for you. Also, he would have to take responsibility for some of the childcare and his own messy house.

The way I see it is that you should be working together as a team and he should be supporting you through this period. Instead he seems like a very selfish man.

"I don't think he's behaving as supportively as he should but I don't think you should underestimate how tough it is for him at the moment either. Presumably he's doing a full time job plus the lions share of the housework, helping look after the children and looking after you as well, he does have rather a lot on his plate."

So because it's tough for him it's acceptable for him to threaten to leave me, Bridget? Cheers for that.

No, he's not doing the lion's share of the housework. I am doing what I can, when I can and NOTHING ELSE GETS DONE. And as for looking after me, have you actually read my posts? Your suggestion that he does this is laughable

haughty is there any way you could take the kids and stay with a supportive friend or relative for a week or so? just to give you a break?

Oh and Bridget would you think it was acceptable for him to threaten to leave if I didn't recover soon if I had a physical illness? No, thought not.

I haven't got any supportive relatives Vicar, and no supportive friends either. I tried to talk to one friend on the phone tonight about it and she did her usual 'don't worry, it'll be fine, got to go, bye' as we weren't talking about her

oh bless you, haughty thats so hard. im finding it hard to deal with depression and i dont have 3 little ones and a DH who does naff all except threaten me.

you need to find a way of accessing some support.

have you talked to your health visitor? they could maybe help with a homestart referral or something similar? it would give your precious recovery time.

im so sorry you are going through this alone. x

Home start would be an excellent thing to do, and access some outreach workers too, from childrens centres, maybe being around other mums might help x

Hi Op

Stress will and can cause the following.

You can and will forget words, I look at things and have to describe what it is, its like give us a clue in our house sometimes.

Your memory will go and so will clarity, you will fog over or just go blank.
You can get clumsy trip over your own feet drop stuff etc
you can experience pain, fatigue headaches, chronic tiredness and your
immune system will turn on its self.

i would respectfully suggest that once he has fucked the fuck off, a few of your symptoms will fuck off with him as well.

As others have said he is the root of most of your problems, you will get worse if he doesnt back off or start supporting you like a loving partner should do.

Walking on eggshells waiting for the next verbal whipping will destroy what little confidence or self esteem you have left, you are a human being but he is kicking you like a disobeying dog .

Guilty, exactly, he just validates her negative feelings.

Your husband is being controlling and manipulative OP. I think everyone pretty much covered everything, one thing i will add regarding grocery shopping-do it online. If you shop somewhere like Tesco, it remembers your past purchases so you can just buy them again, then if you feel like variation you can look.

It just helps with decision making, eases it off.

*haughtyculture^ I really do feel for you. I could totally relate to a lot of things you said, in parts it could have just been written by me.
I'm also suffering with PND but on the mend. It started when baby was 5- 6 weeks old she's now 15 weeks old. Thankfully my DP has been fantastic but I do feel like he doesn't understand the depression and that he could still do more to help me.
One of the problems with PND is often we can appear to others like everything is fine, I've suffered with general depression in the past but this is different. Socially I'm pretty ok, I think I look to others like I'm fine, I don't even cry but I just feel so so low and sometimes like everything is too much and like I can't cope with things.
DP knew I was a bit down and I started on anti depressants but he didn't realise how utterly depressed I was until one night he found that I had just disappeared, I left the house and never intended to return. I didn't even tell him I was going, there had been no argument I just didn't want this life anymore.
That was a major wake up call to him, I ended up in hospital and got sooo much help and support from people (family and medical people) but it's just a shame that I had to hit total rock bottom before DP realised how serious the depression was.
I'm now getting better but the trouble is I think DP thinks I'm fixed now but I'm not, there's still days when I really struggle and get panicky when I've got too much to do but I'm learning how to deal with the stress and learning how to recognise what is really important and what's not.
I think it's difficult for anybody to understand depression unless you've experienced it yourself, my mum has suffered from it all her life so I thought I understood it but now I realise that I didn't.
I think some men struggle with anything involving feelings and emotions, if he's been brought up being told you just have to get on with things and he's never experienced depression then he's probably got the attitude of 'oh just snap out of it!'.
I know when you're depressed it can be very difficult to try and communicate your feelings well, I know that often all your feelings build up and then you try and talk and it all comes out wrong and it can end up in an argument but you really need to try and make him understand how you are feeling. Can you download some stuff online for him to read? Or maybe see a counsellor together? Or maybe put it in to a letter. Make sure he knows its an illness not just that you can't be bothered to do stuff but that you're brain isn't working as it should. Make sure he knows you are trying your best to get better but you just need a little help to get through this tough time.

As far as practical stuff goes I've found it helps if I just pick up a few bits of shopping every couple of days, a big shop is too much stress and too tiring, it can be hard enough to think about what you're going to have for lunch never mind feed a whole family for a week. Life is stressful enough without you adding more stress so just do what you have to, don't set yourself an impossible list of tasks to do. You don't need to do all the ironing, as long as the kids have got something to wear then let the pile of ironing stack up. The family doesn't need a fancy tea, beans on toast or a ready made pizza will do them just fine. Have a 'that'll do' approach to things.

I know you've been through it all before so you probably know all this already, you've got through it before and you will get through it again.

I hope you and DH can manage to work through this together.

If you ever need anybody to talk to you can PM me x

My DSis was hospitalised with PND after a suicide attempt. My BIL and his mother berated her - she was having a holiday, what a lovely rest etc. My mum and my other DSis had to do the majority of the childcare as my BIL just didn't have the time (couldn't be bothered more like). In the end it took the consultant psychiatrist to say to my BIL that 'the mother of your children is going to die if you don't step up and offer some support'. He has been much better since, but I wish DSis had left him.

Throw him out and your depression will lift in no time. This man is abusive, and his abuse of you will have been ramping up with each pregnancy: this type of abusive man likes the idea of having a woman as a trapped, dependent slave so he can bully her and therefore he insists that she can't leave, would never cope without him, he will make sure she doesn't get a penny, etc. It's all bullshit.

Have a chat with Women's Aid about getting rid of him. They will have good advice for you.