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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to be supportive about my depression?

88 replies

Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 13:57

I have suffered with PND after the birth of each of my children, and now am suffering delayed onset PND after the birth of my third child. DH hasn't been sympathetic during any bouts of PND and is even less sympathetic and supportive this time.

I have seen my GP, am on medication, and am awaiting a referral to see a consultant, and I really am trying to and want to feel better, but I am struggling big time. Every task feels like a massive task to me right now, I can't think or make decisions with any clarity and I just can't be the organised person that I normally am. I am also feeling very oversensitive and get upset very easily, although having said that my sister has behaved appallingly to me recently so I feel very justified in being upset about that.

To cut a long story short, my DH just gets annoyed with me for being depressed. I am trying so hard to get things done in the house but it feels like an uphill struggle. Even loading the dishwasher feels like a massive task. I do do things each day but sometimes I am overwhelmed and I just cry. The kids take up all my energy, and that's fine but I can't cope with much else.

He has spent the whole weekend being in a bad mood with me as I am not as on top of the house as I normally am and he's had to pitch in to help. This is going to sound silly but one thing that I am struggling with is grocery shopping; I just can't think clearly, can't make any decisions, and can't do things like meal planning because of this. But he won't do the food shopping or even an online shop so that I don't have to think about it at the moment. He wont' even give any suggestions as to what to have for dinner each night. He got cross with me yesterday afternoon as I hadn't done much in the house over the weekend; I do try though and I did do a few tasks yesterday, but it takes me a long time.

He has also said that if I don't get better soon and start keeping on top of the housework he will leave. Believe me, I do want to get better, I hate feeling this way and I am trying as hard as I can, but I feel this kind of pressure has the total opposite effect to what he thinks it will have. I haven't even got the energy to argue back when he has a go at me. He moaned at me at the weekend because I've not done much Xmas shopping, but this all goes back to me having lack of clarity and not making decisions.

I feel like I'm trying as hard as I can possibly try, and when I need a bit of nurturing and looking after he doesn't want to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:28

He is very much a me me me person, and does only look at things by how they affect him :(

OP posts:
CailinDana · 17/12/2012 14:28

The depression isn't the issue. From what you say you're managing quite well with that. The issue is that your twat of a husband expects you do everything in the house. He should not expect that, regardless of how ill/well you are, but now that you are ill, he should be doing most of it. He just doesn't give a shit about you.

Can you see that?

Original poster
Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:30

Oh yes definitely CailinDana.

One thing I always struggle with, apart from the food shopping, is getting the school uniforms ready on a sunday night, and last night, not only would he not help with that, he put some trousers of his to dry on a radiator and knocked off some school uniform washing it'd taken me ages to wash and put on there, and wouldn't pick up the uniform

It's like he wants to punish me for being unwell

OP posts:
CailinDana · 17/12/2012 14:31

And just to give you an idea of how normal loving partners behave - when I was depressed I stayed in bed all day every day (we had no children) and DH did absolutely everything. He went to work, came home, tidied the house, cooked the dinner, did the washing, sometimes even got me out of bed and washed me in the shower. He did that because he loves me and he understood how unwell I was. You say you've done "nothing" today - you've done a whole lot, when I was depressed I spent nearly an entire month in bed, every single day. Some days I didn't even eat.

You are ill, and need support.

Is there anyone besides your husband who can come in and give you some help?

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 17/12/2012 14:33

Life isn't fair. Its not fair you feel like you do and have a husband who is a shit.

He needs to grow up and on the off chance he is just genuinely struggling he needs to admit it and get some help for himself so he can support you like a husband should.

Original poster
Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:33

I can only dream of DH being like that, CailinDana :(

No, no one else to give me support. My family aren't sympathetic, and DH's would just side with him and think I was being unfair. I have friends but I don't think any would actually come in and do anything for me

OP posts:
CailinDana · 17/12/2012 14:37

What was he like before the depression? Or before you had children?

NotAnotherPackedLunch · 17/12/2012 14:37

Can you sit down and work out how many corners you can cut -take always or ready meals, not changing the bed one week, skipping baths for the children occasionally etc.

Then give yourself permission that this is in fact best for your family as it will give you a bit of extra space to try to find your old self again.

Please don't keep pushing yourself to fulfill others expectations of you. You need space and support right now. Is there anyone who could talk to you DH about PND and explain to him that the fastest way to help you recover is to support you.

susanann · 17/12/2012 14:41

omg you poor lady! I know its probably not helpful to say this but you would be better off without him. You need support not the crap he is dishing out. I thought at the beginning of the thread that he was just ignorant about depression but reading it through hes just damn selfish. Why dont you try your friends, they may surprise you. Sending you big hugs xx

pmcblonde · 17/12/2012 14:42

Haughty - there will be support organisations locally. Try your SureStart centre for some initial advice about organications supporting people with PND

ImNotCute · 17/12/2012 14:42

He should definitely be supporting you more. I have no particular advice but wanted to add to the chorus of voices saying this is not on. As your husband he promised to stick by you through sickness and health and you need him now.

I suffer from depression. Sometimes the depression makes me not a great person to live with and I can see that it makes my dh frustrated and a bit low himself, but he is always supportive. You deserve the same.

Original poster
Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:43

Pre depression he was never hugely helpful if I was ill but was ok. He's fine as long as the house is all clean and I'm doing everything and he doesn't have to do anything.

I don't really have anyone that could talk to him about PND; my family don't care at all, his family would side with him and I don't know who else would.

I was actually feeling ok on Friday then he ruined it on saturday morning by having a go at me as I'm not being fair by not doing enough and it's putting him off me and making him want to leave. This was over a basket of clean washing that I couldn't face sorting out and putting away. In the time he had a go at me, he could have done it himself.

OP posts:
MrsFlibble · 17/12/2012 14:43

Haughty Why not make a timetable of things to do, perhaps MN can help you, it you structure things, you can focus on that day and what you want to have done, tell DH to shove it up his arse, if he wants to leave then he can, i think without the pressure he adds, you will find some clarity.

StuntNun · 17/12/2012 14:45

I'm sorry to say that some people just don't have the empathy to understand depression or that they could make a difference. My FIL is like this with my MIL who has been on anti-depressants for 49 years and has tried to kill herself several times (and nearly succeeded on a couple of occasions). He really seems to think she can just 'pull herself together'. IMO you have little chance of changing your DH. Can you get him to take on a few specific chores, e.g. loading the dishwasher every day so you have less to do? And try to reduce what you do, e.g. putting the school uniforms in the tumble dryer for 10 minutes so you don't need to iron them, making batches of meals or more simple meals, changing bedclothes/towels less frequently, etc.

Original poster
Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:46

That's a good idea. At least then he will be able to see I am doing something

OP posts:
MrsFlibble · 17/12/2012 14:47

Haughty Tell him to go then, because your basically a slave rather than a wife, and he probably just assumes your too meek to make him leave.

Hes not worthy of a wife and children, so he should sod right off, and do his own sodding cleaning, or get mummy to do it for him, self centred prick, hes actually made me angry.

Original poster
Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 14:48

He told me at the weekend I'll never be able to afford to manage financially without him. Worst thing I could have done was to give up my job and career to be a SAHM. I think that was when he really started taking me for granted

OP posts:
MrsFlibble · 17/12/2012 14:50

Haughty how old are your kids.

CailinDana · 17/12/2012 14:51

Haughty you may have depression but I don't think that's your main problem at all. Your husband is a horrible abusive bully. That's the main problem. Would you agree?

ISayHolmes · 17/12/2012 14:55

Haughty I don't know if he's actually planning on leaving, he's just saying that to try and keep you on your toes and in your place :(

CailinDana · 17/12/2012 14:57

Yes I agree with Holmes that the leaving bullshit is just a way of punishing you. He has no intention of letting his slave get away.

Original poster
Haughtyculture · 17/12/2012 15:00

MrsFlibble, they are 13, 6 and 2

Yes Cailin I think he's being a bully

OP posts:
AbigailAdams · 17/12/2012 15:01

I agree with most of the others. You are not the problem. I suspect if your 'D'H left so would your depression Sad

earlyriser · 17/12/2012 15:04

I totally agree with whoever said it isn't you that is the problem here. Ditch him and you will find you will manage, because i bet your depression gets better quite quickly once you have some space from his browbeating.

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2012 15:07

I think you would have a remarkable recovery if he left. You do realise he tells you that you couldn't afford it financially so that you don't actually leave him?

Are you on ADs? I found they really helped my PND.

Can you picture what life would be like on your own? Forget the finances for a second, how do you think you'd be if you lived with your three children on your own? Would you miss him?

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