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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to send niece a card instead of a present

79 replies

Weta · 17/12/2012 11:55

A year ago I asked DB to make sure that his kids systematically send a thank you (by email is fine), as I live on the other side of the world and it's my only form of communication with them. I have two nieces aged 11 and 9 and a nephew aged 7, and in our own family DB and I were always made to send thank yous.

Since then, the 9-year-old sent me a one-line email literally saying 'thank you for my present' (no mention even of what it was), the 7-year-old sent a lovely email, and I'm still waiting to hear from the 11-year-old, who I sent a book voucher for her birthday in June. I mentioned it to DB a couple of months ago but he said they hadn't had time to go to the bookshop (!).

I feel I'm not prepared to keep spending my time and money buying presents when I don't even get an acknowledgement. Would it be unreasonable to write to my brother at some point and say that if I haven't heard by April or so then I'll just be sending a card for her next birthday?

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 17/12/2012 12:04

Do they ring/skype/text to say thanks?

If so, yabu.

No thanks at all then just send a card.

I wouldn't warn your brother about it though. That just makes you look weird.

LaCiccolina · 17/12/2012 12:04

The arguement here is surely with db and wife, not kids who u appear fond of. Or are u saying ur gifts are familial responsibility only?

It's down to the parents I feel to install this type of polite behaviour. So, decide whether u still actually want to send gifts or not and proceed. I do not see a convo with db as out of order, but poss sil would actually b more productive? Unlikely it's db going to sit them down is all I mean.

Do u send kids updates occasionally to ur life? If not maybe start. If ur only contat is thanks cards I'd question if enough as kids get embarrassed at faceless writing. I hated it. Purposely made those notes as brief as poss, although mum insisted on them.....

SoleSource · 17/12/2012 12:05

Just send a card. Don't give it anotber thought. Their tough shit. Up to you.

EverythingsDozy · 17/12/2012 12:07

No YWNBU to send just a card. Manners cost nothing but gifts for ungrateful children do. I would send one of those charity donkey cards, so its like a card and gift in one.

Original poster

Weta · 17/12/2012 13:18

Thanks for the comments...

No, I get no acknowledgement at all but we don't have a ringing/skyping/txt relationship because of problems with SIL, which also mean I won't be approaching her about it.

I don't know the kids very well as I only see them briefly every couple of years - I guess the presents feel like a family responsibility but one I'm happy to maintain since it's the main form of contact. I just do feel very strongly that it's basic courtesy to thank someone for a gift.

I'll think about emailing them separately from presents, maybe it will help.

And thanks for those saying it's fine to just send a card - you're right, I won't warn my brother but just do what feels right at the time.

OP posts:

Scholes34 · 17/12/2012 13:28

Am about to do the same with a Goddaughter who never sends thank yous. I ensure my DC always send thank yous.

PITAfamily · 17/12/2012 13:32

YABU

If you want to send them a gift then do so, dont make it conditional on them meeting your standards of ettitquette/manners etc. Some people just dont place much importance on thank yous, and whether that is right or wrong in your eyes isnt relevant.

A gift is given for the joy of it, and at no point should it be withdrawn or threatened to be withdrawn just because you dont approve of how the react to it.

SoleSource · 17/12/2012 13:35

Break the pattern,Weta. You don't even know them. Yanbu

LimeLeafLizard · 17/12/2012 13:41

YANBU to send a card instead of a present.

YABU to try to dicate to your DBro that his kids must thank you for anything you do send. No matter your view, it isn't up to you.

It sounds like the problem is that presents are your main form of contact. If you don't have a real relationship with these children, they're unlikely to make an effort to stay in touch with you as they grow older.

I do make my kids write thank you notes to anyone who sends them a present. They will happily draw a picture or write a note to someone they know, but when they are writing to a friend of MILs who they don't know, or a relative abroad who they never see, it is hard to motivate them.

Original poster

Weta · 17/12/2012 13:43

PITAfamily I know what you're saying, but I do place a lot of importance on thank yous (as do the rest of my family) and have communicated this to my DB. Unfortunately, the ongoing lack of courtesy means that it is no longer a joy for me to give a gift.

I don't apply the same standards to other families who may set less store by thank yous etc, but my DB was brought up in the same family as me and knows what is expected.

I remember I once didn't get round to sending a thank you to my aunt (I was about 13), and was swiftly told (by my dad) that she wouldn't be sending any more presents unless she received a thank you. I felt terrible, sent one straight away and never 'forgot' again. It was a good lesson and I'm glad she did it...

OP posts:

Original poster

Weta · 17/12/2012 13:46

LimeLeafLizard thanks, I think you've hit the nail on the head there. We don't have a real relationship, so maybe I'll just stop trying to pretend we do...

OP posts:

sleepyhead · 17/12/2012 13:50

Really? Is that why you send a present? To get a thank you?

I dunno, I agree that not to thank is very rude, but I think that presents should be given unconditionally or not at all.

I guess if it rankles so much though you could just go for not at all.

PITAfamily · 17/12/2012 13:56

Your DB "knows whats expected"?! That sounds very dictatorial.

Just because you accepted these rules of the family doesnt mean that he did or wants to. As I said, you cant reasonably push your rules onto someone else and then withdraw gifts when they dont comply.

If you dont want to send them gifts then dont, but dont single out one child, that is cruel.

Original poster

Weta · 17/12/2012 13:59

oops PITAfamily, I didn't mean to sound dictatorial! I just meant he knows how our family operates (and so I guess I feel he 'should' understand my reaction), but it's true that he's under no obligation to take on the family 'rules'.

It's really helpful to get some different perspectives on this, I appreciate your contribution.

OP posts:

HairyGrotter · 17/12/2012 14:01

Blimey, you sound a bit 'stern' given their age and the circumstance. Acknowledgement is nice, but it wouldn't bother me too much, so in my opinion YABU.

MikeOxardInTheSnow · 17/12/2012 14:23

Yabu. You sound really mean. I would never ever tell someone to make sure their kids sent thank yous for my presents, how rude, and you have done this several times. Let him parent his own way, and if it bothers you that much and you genuinely can't find a grip then stop sending them presents. I wouldn't bother with a card either, what is the point? It's supposed to be a gesture of goodwill and festive wishes etc, not a punishment and a reminder that they can't have presents because they are too rude.

Jins · 17/12/2012 14:26

Just stop sending gifts. You're making them sound like business transactions and its really joyless.

Ragwort · 17/12/2012 14:31

Mike - don't you think it is odd/rude not to be thanked for presents? I send a few gifts/cheques/cash by post and at the very least I would like to know they have arrived (can always tell if a cheque's been cashed ) - I have a couple of relatives who never acknowledge receipt of presents and yes, I am mildly offended by it. It is even worse for my elderly parents (in their 80s) who spend considerable time, money and effort sending presents to their DGC, some of whom never say thankyou.

I genuinely would like to know why some parents don't encourage their children to send a thank you note - whether by post/text/email or phone? No one can be 'too busy' to acknowledge a gift surely?

adeucalione · 17/12/2012 14:35

I think you are right to expect a 'thank you', but wrong to insist upon it - even if you receive a lovely letter now, you will know that it was written under duress.

Tbh I don't know many children who would cheerfully sit down and write thank you letters,; this is usually enforced by the parents and it does seem a shame to be blaming the children for this situation.

I can understand why they wouldn't want to skype or phone you, because if you do not have a close relationship that can make conversation very stilted and awkward with young children and they would be dreading it.

Perhaps your DB always resented your parents' enforced letter-writing and decided that he wouldn't be like that with his own DC? Perhaps your DB finds your demands unnecessarily controlling - a bit like you are telling him off - and he would rather you didn't bother anyway?

MikeOxardInTheSnow · 17/12/2012 14:39

I do think that's a bit sad, and rude. But when I give presents, the joy is the giving, not getting thanks. I think it's bloody awful to decide what to give a child based on you level of satisfaction at their previous thank yous. Jins put it perfectly, it's joyless.

forbiddenfruit85 · 17/12/2012 14:40

YABU

A year ago I asked DB to make sure that his kids systematically send a thank you

Whilst it's rude not to say thank you you cannot demand one.

And surely by demanding one and then getting one kind of cancels it out because its not that genuine?

Original poster

Weta · 17/12/2012 14:42

Thanks for all the replies, this is making me re-think my attitude. I'm not sure what the outcome will be but it's good to assess things.

Tbh there is a whole lot of dysfunctional stuff between SIL and my mum, and consequently between SIL and myself, which I deliberately didn't mention because I wanted to get an idea of whether my judgment was being clouded by it - which I suspect it is, as I am honestly not a mean person.

adeucalione that's a really helpful way of looking at it, thanks. I wasn't expecting skype or a phone call, my own children would equally feel uncomfortable in that situation (we did skype once a couple of years ago, in fact DB's kids were fine but my own were awkward), just a short email really.

I won't try and insist any further and will think carefully about my motives for sending presents and the reasons the lack of response upsets me so much. Above all, I think I need to remember that the dysfunctional adult relationships are not the children's fault and they shouldn't be punished for them.

OP posts:

Jins · 17/12/2012 14:51

I think that if there are dysfunctional adult relationships then 'rules' become more important than they should be. If you grew up in an environment where lack of thanks was 'punished' then that 'rule' has been reinforced.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 17/12/2012 14:59

I remember I once didn't get round to sending a thank you to my aunt (I was about 13), and was swiftly told (by my dad) that she wouldn't be sending any more presents unless she received a thank you.

Thing is, if no-one is saying this to your nieces, how do they know your 'rules'? This is down to your DB and DSIL. Not sending presents is just punishing the DCs. And you don't give to get, even to get a thank-you.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly · 17/12/2012 15:00

Really? Is that why you send a present? To get a thank you? I dunno, I agree that not to thank is very rude, but I think that presents should be given unconditionally or not at all. I agree.

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