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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to send niece a card instead of a present

79 replies

Weta · 17/12/2012 11:55

A year ago I asked DB to make sure that his kids systematically send a thank you (by email is fine), as I live on the other side of the world and it's my only form of communication with them. I have two nieces aged 11 and 9 and a nephew aged 7, and in our own family DB and I were always made to send thank yous.

Since then, the 9-year-old sent me a one-line email literally saying 'thank you for my present' (no mention even of what it was), the 7-year-old sent a lovely email, and I'm still waiting to hear from the 11-year-old, who I sent a book voucher for her birthday in June. I mentioned it to DB a couple of months ago but he said they hadn't had time to go to the bookshop (!).

I feel I'm not prepared to keep spending my time and money buying presents when I don't even get an acknowledgement. Would it be unreasonable to write to my brother at some point and say that if I haven't heard by April or so then I'll just be sending a card for her next birthday?

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 17/12/2012 18:32

Yes to MadSleighLady - me too!

I remember hating being forced to write thank you notes so much as a child that I would rather my nieces & nephews aren't put through that! It took most of the pleasure out of receiving the gift in the first place.

However, I would expect the parent to at least let me know that the gift had arrived.

sandberry · 17/12/2012 18:42

I had an aunt who did this to myself and my sister when we were probably similar ages say 11 and 7. We didn't send a thank you and didn't care about not getting presents from her. Rude certainly but perhaps not as rude as threatening not to give presents if thank yous are not received. Both regarding presents as an exchange rather than a gift of love and pointing out others poor etiquette is the height of rudeness.

If you actually would like your niece to say thank you, perhaps you should focus on building a relationship with her or if that is not possible or desirable, don't send gifts. Why send gifts as an obligation anyway? either you give because you want to give pleasure to the person or you don't give. I don't deny it would be polite for your niece to write a thank you letter but it is not your job to teach her manners.

redlac · 17/12/2012 18:48

I never had to send thank you cards when I was wee but did say thank you face to face. Now as an adult I don't get het up about not receiving thank you notes. I don't give presents to receive a thank you I give them cos I know the recipient will enjoy them.

jinglebellyalltheway · 17/12/2012 18:56

"If you just want to know it has arrived and isn't lost in the post, jinglebelly then why are you being sarky about the 12 year old saying "thanks for the present"? Why do they have to specify what it is?"

its rude from an otherwise literate 12 year old... plus as I said, that's a best case scenario, most of the time I hear nothing from her which is why I'm not going to bother any more. If its not worth talking about for 2 sentances then I'm obviously missing the mark and getting her things she's not interested

jinglebellyalltheway · 17/12/2012 19:02

"I give them cos I know the recipient will enjoy them."

but if the gift is not acknoledged at all, or not worth more than a "thanks for the present", then what makes you think the recipient is enjoying it? It makes me conclude that they're not and I'm wasting my time!

delphinedownunder · 17/12/2012 19:06

I have sympathy with your feelings I send my nephews Christmas and birthday presents every year (they are ten and twelve) and its like they are disappearing into the ether. I hear nothing. We left the uk when they were babies and I have seen them once since and so I don't really know them at all. One year I was in hospital when it was one of their birthdays and had been in for six weeks and so a present did't happen. This was the year that their mother rang to find out where the present was!

squeakytoy · 17/12/2012 19:09

Maybe it was the way I was raised, but I cant see when it is ever acceptable to receive a gift and not say thankyou for it. If you are given the present in person you verbally say thankyou, if you receive it in the post then surely common courtesy and manners is to let the sender know it arrived.

Reading some of the posts on here it is no surprise why manners are lacking in so many children today.

skatebauble · 17/12/2012 20:01

It sounds to me like the problem lies with your sil tbh.
Lots of possibilities:
She thinks her dh / your bil should be thanking his side of the family. (I ask my own dh to do that- he might send a text & thats it if they are lucky)
She doesnt encourage them to thank anyone as she doesnt see the need (or any other of a 1000 excuses)
She knows it winds you up so doesnt bother.

If you feel so strongly about it, dont bother sending anything. I like thank you's, they are nice to receive but if i get one its a bonus.

ilikemysleep · 17/12/2012 20:22

I'm afraid my kids don't send thankyous, but neither do they expect gifts. I used to thankyous but it was such a nightmare and we had endless meltdowns (this was before we realised ds1 was autistic) we began to dread birthdays etc. I will always extend a thankyou on their behalf for what we receive. My kids are happy to receive things but don't question if they don't - one of my sisters has stopped sending gifts or even cards, the kids haven't noticed tbh. They just aren't that interested in acquiring stuff. Christmas is a nightmare as two haven't asked for anything at all and the other two have each asked for 1 thing that is less than £10. I do understand aboutwanting to know things have arrived safely though, when we send stuff for dbil in Australia I always wonder if it arrived, but I don't think to expect thankyous from the children.

redlac · 17/12/2012 20:26

I think they are enjoying the gift Jingle because I only buy gifts for people who I care about. I couldn't give a rats arse if my niece or nephew didnt write a long winded thank you card cos I would rather be the auntie who bought them gifts without expecting anything in return. A smile or a hug is more than enough and a thousand times better than wasting paper on a thank you note that will end up in the recycling.

jinglebellyalltheway · 17/12/2012 20:49

rediac I'm not expecting a thank you note when I've been thanked in person, I'm talking about posted presents! it IS rude to not even acknowledge anything came at all!

choccyp1g · 17/12/2012 20:54

OP, do you include a letter with the present?

Original poster
Weta · 17/12/2012 21:34

kerstina yes my DB does buy for my children - he and I decided a few years ago just to do birthdays and not Xmas. Some posters have suggested I stop completely if I don't like not receiving thank yous, but it would be complicated to break the arrangement with my brother.

redlac a face to face thank you would be fine if we were in the same country, but we're not - which means the only way to thank someone is by text/letter/email/phone etc.

choccyp1g no I haven't sent letters with the presents, but I think I might start doing that as it would be a better way to show them I am interested in a relationship than by forcing them to write thank you letters which they may well resent doing anyway.

And to those who pointed this out - you're right that I don't want to become nasty aunty Weta who stopped giving presents!!

For me there are two things here - this discussion has clarified that what is really upsetting me is the dysfunctional adult relationships, and I guess this was a way for me to exert some kind of control. So I will stop doing that and give the gifts in a loving spirit, with a letter but no expectations. I'm glad I posted, as seeing this from the perspective of a bunch of strangers has made me realise how it would come across.

However, I stand by my view that it's rude not to thank people for a gift, especially if you come from a family where that's the done thing - so I sympathise with the others who feel the same, and will continue to make sure my own children send nice thank you letters for presents they receive in the post.

OP posts:
OhlimpPricks · 17/12/2012 21:41

I agree with you totally that it is totally rude not to thank someone for a gift if you have the chance to.
It's much more than a case of thank you. It teaches children to respect others feelings. My Mum always used to say - X took the time to buy and send you a present. How would you feel if I just took some of your pocket money and used it to send a present to someone and you never heard anything from them?

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 17/12/2012 21:41

Were none of you pro-thank-you-ists ever children?!

Can you not remember the pain of being faced with that mile-wide space on the blank paper, and knowing that 'thank you for the present' would fill in a tiny bit at the top?

AND, the relatives who insisted on a thank-you letter were always the elderly ones who sent the worst presents, so you'd have to wax lyrical for two full paragraphs on the joys of a scratchy acrylic jumper or something...

Original poster
Weta · 17/12/2012 21:55

Boulevard - your post made me laugh! but my dad used to help us figure out what to say, which is what I do with my children. To my 9yo I suggest saying thank you for the present plus one nice thing about it, and if he feels like it an extra sentence about what he did for his birthday or his other presents. My 5yo I just ask to draw a picture for the person (he usually draws the present) and then I write thank you and he writes his name. And these days an email is so easy and can be as long or short as you want to make it...
They don't leap for joy at the idea but they don't seem to mind too much.

Though we make presents for their grandparents and now it's sometimes the kids who ask why the grandparents haven't sent them a proper thank you letter :)

OP posts:
LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 17/12/2012 22:00

Boulevard, I remember not enjoying writing thank you letters, but was taught that it was polite.

OkayHazel · 17/12/2012 22:11

You ever thought that the kids dread saying thank you to you because they dislike you?

I had a aunt I used to dread phoning on my birthday for this exact reason, present or not.

PITAfamily · 17/12/2012 22:22

Weta I didnt want you to think that I thought ywbu for being disappointed at not receiving a thank you, but the idea of cutting off one child because of it just didnt sit right with me. As I said, I give with no expectations.

I do think that thank yous should be given but in our family a face to face thank you on receipt of the gift, or a phone call, is considered enough. I realise that you cant do this, but I would be a bit naffed off to not get an email or something (far easier to do than a full on note too!).

But, I am glad that this has helped you clarify what you real issue is, sometimes we dont always realise that the molehill is actually the tip of a mountain until we start digging!

PITAfamily · 17/12/2012 22:23

Actually Weta that's a very good point your kids have made!

How many here who sit their children down to do proper thank you notes/cards, do the same for their own gifts? Or do you just give a quick call or email?

jinglebellyalltheway · 17/12/2012 22:42

of course I think people properly for gifts they give me Confused, don't you? how rude! I'm an adult! and until DCs are adults I'll make sure they do too

Bogeyface · 17/12/2012 22:58

I meant sitting down and writing a nice note. I do thank people, of course I do, but as I said a phone call or a face to face has always been acceptable in our family. Infact my cousin sent out posh thank yous after her wedding which caused great comment as she had already thanked us at the wedding and we were happy with that!

jinglebellyalltheway · 17/12/2012 23:04

yes quite often I do write thank yous from me! not just for gifts but for comming to visit or having us to stay etc

and if children thank over the phone phone or do it in person I don't expect a written one and don't think the OP does either

Bogeyface · 17/12/2012 23:07

Ok, that's one! I just can't help wondering how many parents who insist their children write them, actually write them themselves!

Scuttlebutter · 17/12/2012 23:13

Can I put across the perspective of an aunt? We have DN in our family (no kids ourselves). We see the DC around 6 -8 times a year, they come and stay with us, and we always send a carefully chosen card and gift for each child's birthday and Christmas. Sometimes things work out that we see the children around the time so can give the gift - that's great. We get the pleasure of watching them opening it. Sometimes we have to just post and hope.

As others have said, if a gift or parcel has been posted it is only courteous to simply let the sender know it's been received. I am genuinely not expecting the legendary page of writing paper - those days are long gone, but each child has access to email, a mobile and the use of the phone. A brief text or email would be lovely. But here's the thing. I LOVE getting letters, emails, wonky pictures etc from the DC. For me, it's a HUGE novelty - I love the slightly random contents, drawings where you have to guess what it is, the note with pen smudges and crossings out. Parents probably get over the novelty of these but aunties don't - please don't underestimate how much we love getting this sort of thing.

Eldest DN has recently become a teenager. We sent an Itunes voucher which we thought and hoped would be perfect (likes music). We heard nothing , then three weeks after the birthday we got a photocopied slip of crumpled paper with a generic "Thank you for your gift" - nothing personal about it at all. Honestly, it was really hurtful Xmas Sad - it felt like a slap in the face. We seriously considered not sending a Christmas present but felt that would be unfair as their siblings always send great, chatty emails/drawings etc. However, I can't say I did the Christmas gift buying with any joy for this DC, and if this approach continues, we will continue to scale back. And all DC are highly literate (SIL constantly reminds us of G & T programmes they take part in etc.) so no dyslexia to worry about.

And yes, I do thank you cards whenever we are sent gifts, and always acknowledge anything that has been posted.