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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to send niece a card instead of a present

79 replies

Weta · 17/12/2012 11:55

A year ago I asked DB to make sure that his kids systematically send a thank you (by email is fine), as I live on the other side of the world and it's my only form of communication with them. I have two nieces aged 11 and 9 and a nephew aged 7, and in our own family DB and I were always made to send thank yous.

Since then, the 9-year-old sent me a one-line email literally saying 'thank you for my present' (no mention even of what it was), the 7-year-old sent a lovely email, and I'm still waiting to hear from the 11-year-old, who I sent a book voucher for her birthday in June. I mentioned it to DB a couple of months ago but he said they hadn't had time to go to the bookshop (!).

I feel I'm not prepared to keep spending my time and money buying presents when I don't even get an acknowledgement. Would it be unreasonable to write to my brother at some point and say that if I haven't heard by April or so then I'll just be sending a card for her next birthday?

OP posts:

peaceandlovebunny · 17/12/2012 16:21

i think you're being pretty horrible.
thank you notes are ridiculous. how dare you demand them? are you only sending presents so you can exert some control?

however

it is your choice whether you send presents or not. but if you do, send to both, and if you don't, withhold from both.

you don't have a relationship with these nieces so anything you send them is likely to mean nothing to them.

think it through. someone i don't know sends me something i don't want. why should i thank them?

Ragwort · 17/12/2012 16:28

peace - what do you mean 'thank you notes are ridiculous'?

Do you really not care if you are thanked or not for presents, I repeat my comments above (which no one answered ) I genuinely would like to know why some parents don't encourage their children to send a thank you note - whether by post/text/email or phone? No one can be 'too busy' to acknowledge a gift surely?

I think it is sad that we seem to live in a society where basic 'good manners' are no longer considered important or relevant. Look at the lovely thread from mumsnetters who have received gifts and want to express their thanks, I am sure those who gave gifts are pleased to receive the thank you comments (although I am sure no one has given just to get 'thanked'), but we all appreciate acknowledgement and gratitude.

LettyAshton · 17/12/2012 16:32

I just like to have an acknowledgement that a gift's arrived if sent by post. All I ask is a text: "Thank you for X" will do. I'm not expecting them to get out the Basildon Bond and a quill pen. But dh's nieces can't be arsed to manage any type of thank you at all.

I did hesitantly ask sil once if some presents had arrived, and she breezily replied that her dds didn't have to thank people for "unsolicited gifts"

If I would you I'd just send a card in future. That's what I'll be doing.

Whistlingwaves · 17/12/2012 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PITAfamily · 17/12/2012 16:42

I genuinely would like to know why some parents don't encourage their children to send a thank you note - whether by post/text/email or phone? No one can be 'too busy' to acknowledge a gift surely?

I didnt say that I didnt encourage my children to thank people, but I do think that it shouldnt be assumed that everyone sees it the same way. I also dont think that using thank you notes as a blackmail tool is acceptable.

LimeLeafLizard · 17/12/2012 16:53

OP, I think you've been very good at taking on board everyone's replies and accepting that you might need to change your attitude.

It is really sad when people have difficult relationships in a family, it is also hard when you have a family member far away... I know from experience.

Maybe you can concentrate on maintaining a good relationship with your DBro - by email and Skype for example - so that you can keep the communication and closeness despite what has passed btw your DM and DIL.

My sister lives on the other side of the world, and although she doesn't have kids yet, I already know I won't be as close to her kids as I am to the nephews and nieces I see regularly here. She tries hard to send pics and messages (and presents for which we thank her!) to my children, but if I'm honest only my oldest has any real concept of who she is. It does make me a bit sad sometimes. Maybe when they're older we'll be able to afford to visit.

OhlimpPricks · 17/12/2012 16:53

I never get thank you notes from my sisters three kids, for birthday presents or Christmas presents. I rarely see them (distance) . The children want for nothing, have 3-4 holidays a year, phones bought by parents, every whim indulged, but I try and buy things they will use itunes vouchers/A & F vouchers etc, but it's obviously a drop in the ocean to them. Yes, I do expect some small note or acknowledgement from them, when I have taken the time to choose, buy , and send them a gift.

It is good manners to do so. So this year I didn't buy or send anything

Quite simple, I went and bought three gifts from that John Lewis list for the Womens refuges.
I hope my efforts will be appreciated by children who don't have an awful lot.

LimeLeafLizard · 17/12/2012 16:55

Sorry that should say 'your DM and SIL' of course.

Narked · 17/12/2012 17:04

Were you raised in the 1950s?

MadSleighLady · 17/12/2012 17:06

Your 14.42 post is very thoughtful.

Thank yous are nice, but I also do think gifts are just that. The thing that stuck out for me in your original post was the little (!) about them not having had time to go to the bookshop. That is you policing a little bit, isn't it? Maybe they really haven't had time, maybe she just doesn't read, or there's nothing in particular she wants at the moment. Whatever, the voucher is now her present, and it's up to her what she does with it and on what time scale.

GreatUncleEddie · 17/12/2012 17:09

My kids have an aunt and uncle who they met for the first time this year. (There is no real reason for this, but DH's family are a bit shit at arranging meetings.) They have without fail sent them Christmas presents, in more recent years they have sent money. When we saw them it turned out that they were the only ones out of seven cousins who sent thank yous and they were greatly looked forward to, especially those of my younger son whose letters tend to be a bit idiosyncratic

iloveshortshorts · 17/12/2012 17:17

If i bought someone a present and they couldnt say thank you i wouldnt buy them one again.

Simple.

jinglebellyalltheway · 17/12/2012 17:20

YANBU, I'm considering not bothering with a 12 year old who at best says "thanks for the present" (which was what hmm??) but 9 times out of 10 the thank yous come through the mum ("oh thank you for sending x a present BTW")

OP if YABU then IABU because I think 12 (or 11 in your OP) is old enough to say thank you

at the very least I just wanna know it arrived and isn't lost in the post!

I make my toddler scribble on his own thank yous!

jinglebellyalltheway · 17/12/2012 17:23

Peace they are not rediculous! if you don't get one then you begin to wonder if it arrived, and whether you need to chase it up with the delivery company, and whether they think you didn't send anything if it's lost in the post!

How else would you know? If it HASN'T arrived and you've paid for it to be delivered you need to do something about that! which is why I always feel that I have to ask "so did so and so get my present" - which is awkward and uncomfortable! if I haven't heard - I'm not fishing for gratitude, I just want to know if the company did what I paid them to do!

GreenPetal94 · 17/12/2012 17:24

One thought, do you know whether the children can actually write, my 9 and 11 year old have dyslexia and are unable to write thank yous unaided.

I think this is the sort of situation when you don't know the kids and it may be best to just send a card. But its tricky as the 7 year old did write.

MadSleighLady · 17/12/2012 17:26

If you just want to know it has arrived and isn't lost in the post, jinglebelly then why are you being sarky about the 12 year old saying "thanks for the present"? Why do they have to specify what it is?

If you want emotional payback for giving a present, fine, but admit it.

Ragwort · 17/12/2012 17:56

Rainbow - but out of interest do you encourage your DC to draw a picture or put their initials on a pre-printed card or something like that?

Obviously my DS couldn't write thank you letters from birth but I would always write them for him and as soon as he was old enough he would scribble something on them, then he would draw little pictures etc etc - yes, I still have to stand over him and force him to write his thank you letters (age 11 - ) but there is no way I am letting him get away without sending thank yous even though it ends in a row twice a year at Christmas and birthdays, and yes Narked I was born in the (late) 50s so I guess I am very old fashioned .

MadSleighLady · 17/12/2012 17:59

Hehe, Ragwort, this won't necessarily work long term. My mum did this and it sent me into paroxysms of anxiety, to the point where I still don't like writing acknowledgement emails of any sort, I have a strange block about them. I'd rather not get presents! It is very odd.

1charlie1 · 17/12/2012 18:01

This thread is interesting. I am at the moment feeling put out as I sent a package of Christmas presents to my DB, SIL and little nephew. Cost me £22.50 to send! I emailed my DB when I mailed them (on Nov. 30th), and told him to look out for it. He knows I am antsy about sending stuff, as once a package I sent went missing for 3 months! (It did turn up in the end, all crushed and mashed! Contents fine though.) Have heard nothing, not even an acknowledgment of the original email. Presents posted on the same day to DM arrived last Wednesday. I know this because she called to say THANK YOU. Whether I'm being reasonable or not, I will be sending a card only to DB from now on. I've also had no acknowledgment that the birthday treats I mailed to my nephew last month arrived. I've had enough!
For me, there is no joy in giving unless I at least know it's been received!

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 17/12/2012 18:04

I too stand over my DS and make him write his thank-you letters, but that's me. My thing, my values. I say again, your beef is with how your DB and dsil parent - not with their kids. I think it's mean to punish them for their parents' faults.

Itsjustmeanon · 17/12/2012 18:10

I'd still send presents. I'm stingy when it comes to presents, but would never leave out nephews or nieces.

Do you want to be mean aunt Weta who stopped sending presents, due to lack of thank you?

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 17/12/2012 18:14

YANBU...it's basic manners to acknowledge receipt and to say thank you.

It is hard as parents to make children do thank you letters, but it's all part of the joys of parenting.

Original poster

Weta · 17/12/2012 18:20

peaceandlovebunny I don't see how thank yous are ridiculous - I'm not asking for a handwritten letter, just an acknowledgement, and if I don't hear anything I have no idea if the present has even arrived. DN1 is a total bookworm, so I'd be surprised if she didn't like a book voucher. No thank you the previous year either, when I gave cash, which I imagine most kids would be happy with. If you want to know where I'm coming from, please read my post at 14.42.

LimeLeafLizard thanks for your support, much appreciated! FWIW we grew up on the other side of the world from our cousins etc but the presents etc sent by aunts and uncles (and in particular the one who told me off for not saying thank you!) totally helped us to feel they existed, and I later developed closer relationships with them as a young adult. So hopefully it may be the same for your children. Your sister sounds like she's doing as much as she can :) At the moment I think I'll continue to send the presents, just to keep some kind of connection alive, and maybe a chatty card with our news, but stop expecting any response.

jins interesting what you say about the rules, that's a good way to look at it. I'm realising that this is essentially a symptom of the dysfunctionality, so I shouldn't apply my normal approach I don't think. Unfortunately in the end there is no right answer, because nothing will make the dysfunctionality go away I don't think.

rainbowspiral good point, but they are apparently above average for reading and writing, and the older one loves writing stories.

WeWilson yes, that's the point I'm coming to too. Thanks for your input :)

And to all those who feel similarly about thank yous, obviously I understand where you're coming from :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Weta · 17/12/2012 18:25

MadSleighLady yes, good point about the (!) in my OP - I guess it's because it makes me feel the DC simply isn't interested enough to get her parents to take her to the bookshop (and yes she is a reader), or that SIL may be deliberately not organising this because of the other problems, but as you say I am probably reading too much into it. I just can't imagine my bookworm DS leaving a book voucher to sit around for 6 months... but you're right that it's her voucher now and up to her to do as she wants.

OP posts:

kerstina · 17/12/2012 18:28

I know it should not be tit for tat but do they buy your children anything? Bet they don't and that would be a deal breaker for me

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