DH and money.

[secondwind]

Hello,

I really need some other perspectives on this as I can't see it clearly anymore!

DH earns, I think, a bit more than average wage. I had to stop working when our daughter fell ill. She has to be home-schooled and there are illness-associated behavioural problems etc. Her health has peaks and troughs, we have to be very careful as she's developed multiple allergies and my entire life revolves around her, the house and anything to do with family. I am not complaining but full disclosure etc.

DH takes £300 each month solely for him. That doesn't have to cover lunches or travel or anything other than having it in his pocket for himself. I would love to go out to work and badly miss my career but dd has to come first. I deal with all our financial affairs and it's not always easy as we have a lot of medical-related expenses and so on.

I am just very tired and frustrated with dh as he constantly runs out of money and then always seems to have a reason that I "owe him" some. Eg he will spend money on dd (at beginning of month) and then, when he starts to run out, will tell me "oh, those books cost £20 so I'll take that out tomorrow."

Am I being unreasonable to be tired of this? I know he hates his job and I feel guilty sometimes that I don't work (as being at home without a salary does not sit very easily with me).
To be fair to dh he doesn't query what I spend (but that's also because he doesn't think about money at all). He has never been very good with money-to the extent that he wouldn't even get a balance from the cashpoint when I first met him.

Would really welcome other people's perspective.

I deal with all our financial affairs and it's not always easy as we have a lot of medical-related expenses and so on. There's your problem. The household budget is everyone's responsibility. He has to either suck it up and take what he is given as 'pocket money' which should be the same as you get OR he needs to sit down and do the budget with you every month and you both see what is spent.

I dont think its much to ask that a grown man would budget himself, no.

But your OP makes me think there is more at play here. Do you feel that he doesnt support you with DD? Does he help with her in the evenings? Do you ever get a break?

Do you have £300 for yourself too?

he's a man. he might be taking extra because he resents the way your daughter is the centre of family life.

try to make him share the responsibility of budgeting and caring.

So he doesn't question what you spend, gives you financial control over all but 300 of the money each month, even though he is the breadwinner, and you are complaining?

YABU. He clearly knows you better than you do yourself if he has to hold money back so that hes not accountable to you.

Being the breadwinner means fuck all IMO. It shouldnt mean he has more of a say or that hes great for leaving it all up to the OP.

It isnt "his" money. Its theirs. And as it sounds as though the OP is solely responsible for running the house, why wouldnt she have autonomy?

What if there isn't 300 spare? What if she has done the budget and knows this? Will him being the Lord and Master magically make 300 appear? Does she get 300? Or does doing all the care and education for their DD not count for anything?

If you are a team then you should have equal spending money for yourselves.

After all of the bills and household expenses and child-related expenses are accounted for, you should both have equal spending money to use as you wish. It doesn't matter if that's £50 a month or £500 a month, but it should be equal.

Nah its 'His'. And until the point of divorce where a court decides the split of funds, he can do what the hell he likes with it. Same as any breadwinner, no matter how controlling the dependent partner tries to be.

In this case he gives all but 300 per month over to the household. And doesn't care what OP spends money on.

OP doesnt like that he sometimes tries to claws back more than 300. She hasn't complained about being short of money though, so its a 'principle' thing.

YABU OP, unless he leaves you and DD in financial need?

All going that is an absolute pile of crap.

Op, it's a real shame that you would like to work but cannot because of your DD's needs. Is there any way that both you and DP could work part time and share DD's care? It sounds from your post as though you would feel better in that kind of situation.

Either way, as a household you have £x of income and y number of hours of care required for DD. you have non-moveable expenses like utility bills, rent/mortgage, food bills etc. then expenses like clothes and books which are frequent but maybe not every week/month. Then big but infrequent things like Xmas gifts, holidays. Once the money has been set against these things, how much money is left over?

I was going to suggest a way you could both go part time - might help?

It seems like a strange set up, and I'm not surprised it's causing resentment. How about sitting down and agreeing a household budget together, that includes you both having equal spending money? Surely in this case it makes sense that all money is family money.

OP. Does your DD get Disability living Allowance and if so - do you claim Carers Allowance?
I gave up work many years ago to become a carer for our DD. I have always looked after the finances - but we only have a joint account. DHs salary and my Carers allowance all go into the joint account. DH is rubbish with money - when we met, he had a pile of red bills and he never paid anything until the red bill arrived! We each buy what we need, within reason. Neither of us has expensive tastes or habits and if we buy anything for the DCs it just comes out of the joint account anyway. If we are getting short of cash, I just remind DH it is getting close to pay day and not to go to the cash point and draw out lump sums or fill up the car with petrol - just to get as little as he needs to last until pay day. If it is a bigger necessary purchase, he will discuss how to pay for the item eg put it on credit card.
I think you need to discuss finances with your DH. Either you both have an equal amount to spend each month on yourselves or you just agree to pool resources. Purchases for children should come out of joint finances IMO.

Hello again, thanks for all the responses. They all make very good points.

To be clear on this: I don't resent the money dh takes, I wish he could have more and go out and enjoy himself, I just feel as though I have made all the changes and he doesn't understand the financial side of what I have to do. His pay hasn't increased in years but everything else has.
I don't take any money for myself (ie I don't take a set amount each month) as I need to make sure everything is covered-I also like to ensure we leave some to cover any unexpected health problems that may arise. Dh's £300 is a set-n-stone amount (as in rent, council tax, dh etc) and it doesn't change. We don't have a lot left over-certainly not enough for me to decide to take £300 each month.
I did say that we would need to decrease it this month as it's christmas, other health expenses etc. That was fine, until he ran out of money told me that "as I owed him 100" he'd only take 50 more instead.

I do feel for him as he hates his job. However, we have discussed him going part-time and my getting something part-time and he says he can't as his job won't allow it.

Also, I am not cowering in a corner afraid to bring up this subject with him , I just want to get other opinions on whether I am being unfair to him before we sit down and try to get this resolved.

Thank you all for the responses, I really appreciate it.

bigblue - maybe OPs husband earns too much for her to be able to get Carers Allowance? Last time I looked if you earned too much as a family then you didn't get it?

bigblue-thank you, I have applied for DLA and CA and am waiting to hear.

Have you sat down and wrote a budget, out goings and in coming?

Can you afford the £300 + a month, is he aware at all of how much he earns and how much is spent on household bills ech month?

Secondwind, when he says his work won't allow it, has he put in a formal flexible working request and had it declined for a business reason?

Could he homeschool, and you work?

This does not make sense.

You should both know how much there is in the budget before you start 'owing' each other anything. That's a ridiculous concept when you're married and have a child.

If he works and you take care of your disabled child, you should be sharing the money. You need to sit down with him, work out your expenses each month, and work out how much extra there will be each month for you both to have for spending money.

DH takes £200 a month for himself - £50 every Friday. However I do the same. Things need to be fair.

Sit down and add up all your outgpings (excluding this 300), and tot up all you income. Deduct outgoings from income and have set amounts for the rest - eg save 100, 300 on food, leaves 300 (am using random numbers here), so you each get 150 a month personal spends.

It is very, very inequitable for each of you to be working so hard (and the work you do sounds bloody hard!) and not have equal amounts of spending money.

Why does he think he deserves £300 pm to treat himself, but you deserve nothing?

OP, it sounds as though your DH needs to grow up and realise he has responsibilities as a father. You are a team, a family. He may earn the money, but what you do is equally important, and you should not forget that. As for having to have 'spending money' of £300 per month for himself, thats just pathetic. How much does he think it would cost to pay someone to do what you do?

No no no. This is all wrong.

Regardless of who does what in the home or who works you are a partnership and all money is equally yours therefore spending money should be equal.

I have left two long term relationships over this very issue because quite frankly it's selfish and controlling. I am now with my dh who is on the same page as me financially and we never argue about money. Ever.

We have two accounts. One household and incomings. Everything coming in goes in there (dh works, I don't so this includes his wage and our tax credits, dds maintenance from her dad, everything). All mortgage and bills including food come from this
We budget wel and know what we have left and we then transfer this left over amount to our other spending account. We have cards and access to both accounts, they are joint accounts.

We can each spend half of whatever is in the spending account. We know what this amount is each and we never go over it.

If I need anything or want anything I will buy it if we have the money, same with dh. If it's something expensive usually over £45 we might mention it to the other just to make sure the other isn't planning to buy something big too so we don't overspend.

I could never be with someone who took £300 for themselves. Where's your wage for looking after the kids and home ???

Ironically when I worked full time and lived with my ex who also worked full time I had more arguments than now with my dh who earns near minimum wage and me being at home!

The problem is that people who don't so the budget have no idea what things cost. He needs to see the numbers. Also, don't fall into the trap of having household money, his money and 'your' money which is actually DD's expense money. Household needs to include all DD's needs, after household needs everyone splits the money equally.

I know he doesn't like his job but he is a father. You deal with wanting to work out of home and not being able to. He can deal with not liking his job.

You really need to sit down and do a joint budget, with everything accounted for.