DH and money.

[secondwind]

Hello,

I really need some other perspectives on this as I can't see it clearly anymore!

DH earns, I think, a bit more than average wage. I had to stop working when our daughter fell ill. She has to be home-schooled and there are illness-associated behavioural problems etc. Her health has peaks and troughs, we have to be very careful as she's developed multiple allergies and my entire life revolves around her, the house and anything to do with family. I am not complaining but full disclosure etc.

DH takes £300 each month solely for him. That doesn't have to cover lunches or travel or anything other than having it in his pocket for himself. I would love to go out to work and badly miss my career but dd has to come first. I deal with all our financial affairs and it's not always easy as we have a lot of medical-related expenses and so on.

I am just very tired and frustrated with dh as he constantly runs out of money and then always seems to have a reason that I "owe him" some. Eg he will spend money on dd (at beginning of month) and then, when he starts to run out, will tell me "oh, those books cost £20 so I'll take that out tomorrow."

Am I being unreasonable to be tired of this? I know he hates his job and I feel guilty sometimes that I don't work (as being at home without a salary does not sit very easily with me).
To be fair to dh he doesn't query what I spend (but that's also because he doesn't think about money at all). He has never been very good with money-to the extent that he wouldn't even get a balance from the cashpoint when I first met him.

Would really welcome other people's perspective.

*see the budget not so...

i think you should both be sitting down weekly/monthly and doing your accounting together and both of you should be getting an 'allowance' so if there is £300 spare every month you should both have £150 each. you are a family, you have a child together, resources are pooled and shared equally IMO. Your DH needs to play fair and get involved in the finances so he can see where it's all going and stops with this "you owe me" crap.

also, if he hates his job and you want to go back to work, couldn't you swap?

He needs to be involved in the budget so he can understand it. And you should both get £150 and no borrowing if you can help it.

He gets £300 set in stone and you get nothing ? To hell with that.

OP gets to spend whatever she pleases, because everything else after that 300 is put into her hands.

That she doesn't spend 300 exactly each month, as her 'pay' for being a SAHM is a credit to her. She could though if she wanted.

YANBU though OP as hes coming back after spending the 300 and asking for money out of the household funds. You need to let him know that costs have gone up and it no longer runs at a surplus.

Hi, I think you're right. We need to sit down and go through our budget together. If it continues afterwards then at least I've approached it in the right way!

Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated.

The OP doesnt sound like "spending what she pleases" equates to her having spending money. It sounds like she spends the money on bills and things for DD. Your attitude is shocking allgoing.

This business of you owing him money is complete bollocks and tbh the thought of living in a relationship like that scares the hell out of me.

I work out all our budgets, and DP has no problem asking me what we can afford etc. I do try to include him but he isnt interested really. We are a partnership and all monies go into the pot. Including maintenance from my ex. Just as money goes out of the pot for all of us equally.

I still think theres more to this though.

Running a household account is not spending what she pleases as someone said.

I usually manage our household account which means as a sahm I do the Tesco shop and use the debit card to pay for stuff. If the kids need something I buy it from there.

However this isn't my spending money. I don't buy a new pair of shoes for myself from it for example.

Spending money is separate and should be equal.

The OP does not get to spend what she pleases because there is not another £300 left over after essential bills and household expenses are paid.

berrychristmas. Carers allowance has nothing to do with how much the OP's DH earns. If her DD gets middle or higher rate DLA and she herself doesn't earn more than £100 pw (after certain expenses), then she can claim Carers Allowance in her own right.

Hi all, I understand why anyone would question the situation as I have only described one part of the relationship. Dh is a good man but I am beginning to think that I am mistaking goodness for laziness ie he doesn't interfere as he trusts me is fast becoming he doesn't interfere because he doesn't want to take on any of the stress.
I think that because I have a problem not working and bringing in a wage he feels that he's doing a major thing just by going out to work each day.

I understand why it might sound like I "spend what I like" but I think that's if you have already decided that there's a pot there just waiting to be spent. Not the case.

Anyway, I do think the suggestions of going through the budget together are great. I've tried to do this before, but only verbally, and it's definitely the way to go.

Thanks again, I appreciate it.

"To be fair to dh he doesn't query what I spend".

Pretty simple to comprehend, no? DH doesnt care, and probably thinks the OP is treating herself regularly.

He holds back 75 quid a week for his day to day stuff. He could hit the household account directly when that runs out (often running out because he is spending it on things he has already paid into the house for) but instead he asks the OP if this is OK. Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

'Your attitude is shocking allgoing'

Much less shocking than expecting someone else to earn the money and then the dependent partner thinking they have the majority say in how it gets distributed.

Allgoing-I can't help but think I've hit a raw nerve with you somehow. You're responding very strongly to someone else's problem. Thanks for your input but you're intent on incorrectly interpreting my situation which makes any comments a waste of your own time.

good response to Allgoing OP!

Thanks Santa

Is it such an odd thing to expect ones husband to provide for the family?

might or might not have Advance Searched Allgoing

Allgoing - they are BOTH earning the money. If op didn't look after the children etc then her dh would have to employ someone to do it or work less and thereby earn less. She is entitled to half the money.
It is not the 1950s.

It depends how your outgoings are structured OP. When he takes his £300 how much is left as surplus. I.e, after rent/mortage, all bills, food, your daughters medical expenses etc is there about £300 left and he takes all of it? Or is there say, £1000 left and he takes £300 and then comes back for more when he runs out?

Both earning the money. FFS. Maybe on planet MN.

Sorry OP - I wasn't addressing my posts to you. They are about you. And it looks like I've pretty much got the measure, thanks. :)

I agree, you should both have £150 each for treats. Rather than him have £300 and you have nothing for your own pleasure.

Do you actually know how much he earns? If not I would suggest divorce and getting it all on a legal footing. It can't be worse.

peaceandlovebunny he's a man. he might be taking extra because he resents the way your daughter is the centre of family life.

Have I suddenly been transported to the 1950s or something???!!!

Allgoing-no need to apologise, but thanks.

"Is it such an odd thing to expect ones husband to provide for the family?"

No - but it sounds like he gives everything but the 300 per month. OP hasn't stated how much he earns but its more than average. Certainly hes providing for his family.

He clearly hasn't realised that it annoys OP when he dips into the household funds when his 75 quid a week runs out though.