DH and money.

[secondwind]

Hello,

I really need some other perspectives on this as I can't see it clearly anymore!

DH earns, I think, a bit more than average wage. I had to stop working when our daughter fell ill. She has to be home-schooled and there are illness-associated behavioural problems etc. Her health has peaks and troughs, we have to be very careful as she's developed multiple allergies and my entire life revolves around her, the house and anything to do with family. I am not complaining but full disclosure etc.

DH takes £300 each month solely for him. That doesn't have to cover lunches or travel or anything other than having it in his pocket for himself. I would love to go out to work and badly miss my career but dd has to come first. I deal with all our financial affairs and it's not always easy as we have a lot of medical-related expenses and so on.

I am just very tired and frustrated with dh as he constantly runs out of money and then always seems to have a reason that I "owe him" some. Eg he will spend money on dd (at beginning of month) and then, when he starts to run out, will tell me "oh, those books cost £20 so I'll take that out tomorrow."

Am I being unreasonable to be tired of this? I know he hates his job and I feel guilty sometimes that I don't work (as being at home without a salary does not sit very easily with me).
To be fair to dh he doesn't query what I spend (but that's also because he doesn't think about money at all). He has never been very good with money-to the extent that he wouldn't even get a balance from the cashpoint when I first met him.

Would really welcome other people's perspective.

Financial abuse is now a legally recognised form of domestic violence and accepted as such by family courts.

£300 is "nothing"?? On what planet? That's what I have to spend monthly on groceries, transport and work-related expenses. I dream of having £300/month to spend on whatever I want.
If the OP's DH has that to spend and she doesn't have the equivelant, it's hugely unfair. As has been stated, they should be splitting what is left after all expenses equally. It's their money, not his.

Bluelights: I do think he resents it. I earned more than him when we both worked, and we both spent our combined income on whatever we wanted/needed. He has always been a person that likes to spend money. I've tried to suggest a new job, hobby, time for himself etc as I do think he might be having a bit of a mid-life!
He is a decent, hard-working man but would rather bury his head than face any financial discussions.
However, that discussion is exactly what we need to do.

I was in the same position as your DH, except that my amount (when I had a job) was 200 quid a month. I have no problems with this - I am useless with money and my wife is not.

However, I did run out, and at times I resented the lack of control I had over my own income! But actually, the problem was that I wasn't communicating my budgetary needs properly (so part of the 200 quid 'spending' money was going on travel, when I knew and my wife knew it wasn't supposed to, just because I felt sheepish about asking for the travel money).

I feel you need more transparent discussions with your partner over your finances before you can move forward.

Misterwife: yes, exactly that. I see that £300 as pure fun money-rightly or wrongly! Lunch/travel doesn't come out of that.
We do need to talk and we will. Thx.

Christ, I honestly thought I had a really harsh attitude to men! I'm so glad to find out I don't. DH and I both work, but if I were a SAHM I'd want my DH to have more than £300 a month to spend on himself, if he earned a better than average wage. And if I were the one working, I'd have no truck with a SAHP DH who moaned at me for spending £300 on myself. I just wouldn't want a life as miserable as that.

This week alone, I've spent about £125 on cupcakes, magazines, newspapers, parking tickets, gym entry, swimming pool costs, a new pair of shoes because my work shoes were looking scruffy, and a new jumper! Now in no way am I bad with money, I have never been in debt, but life is just expensive.

My bread winner comment was me taking the piss at how mad the whole situation sounds.

I don't need £300 to spend on myself and neither does my DH, we both work (I spent 3 years as a SAHM and the way we manage it hasn't changed) the money goes in each month, Bills etc are paid and then we manage what is left and spend it how we want/need, I'll say I'm going to need a new pair of shoes/want a new pair and DH will remind me that we paid out on the car this month so best to wait until the next pay comes in.

It's team work, I don't feel like I'm owed because he spent £50 in the pub with his friends on Friday night but I only spent £30 and that was on school shoes for DC?

We don't have much spare after bills etc so maybe hat is where I'm missing this my money their money thing.

Difference is we both have online banking and both take I Teresa in our finances and working out what we have, what we need and what would be nice as a family.

DH and I both work, but if I were a SAHM I'd want my DH to have more than £300 a month to spend on himself I don't understand why this is in stone regardless of what she gets, regardless of what is left. She also works hard, HE their DD who has additional needs. Not exactly a walk in the park. If she spends 300 on cupcakes and bonbons, then that is fair as long as they don't go into debt.

So you earned more than him when you were both working? He's milking this situation, OP. He wants to keep you financially dependent on him.

lessmiss spending £300 a month on fun stuff is fine if there is £300 (for each of you) to spend after all the bills have been paid. no-one is being harsh on men here. if the money is coming from what is supposed to paying other bills then it isn't harsh to say "actually, you'll have to take less this month" or "from now on".

LessMiss: you've just described life before dd fell ill. Thank you, you've helped me make my point that I've had to make these changes and budget and that's really all I'm asking.

lessmiss this week i have spend £0 on "cupcakes,magazines, newspapers, parking tickets, gym entry, swimming pool costs, a new pair of shoes because my work shoes were looking scruffy, and a new jumper!" it isn't because i'm being harsh on myself, believe me, i'd love to be able to, it's just that the money doesn't exist. cant you see how that might be the case for OP? this money for fun things doesn't exist. it isn't being harsh or selfish telling her DP that he has to reign it in, it is being logical. if he takes it, something far more important doesn't get paid, like mortgage or electric or clothes for dd.

Not read anyone elses responses. I would agree to both keeping a detailed diary for one whole month starting in Jan. Both write every expense down and keep every receipt to work out where the money is going to. You both work hard and should have the same amount of spends at the end of the month regardless of who earns the salary. He can only work because you are at home. If you worked, he would have to stay at home wouldn't he?

How does he feel about being the SAHP in 2013 and can you apply to return to work?