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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and money.

89 replies

secondwind · 16/12/2012 14:52

Hello,

I really need some other perspectives on this as I can't see it clearly anymore!

DH earns, I think, a bit more than average wage. I had to stop working when our daughter fell ill. She has to be home-schooled and there are illness-associated behavioural problems etc. Her health has peaks and troughs, we have to be very careful as she's developed multiple allergies and my entire life revolves around her, the house and anything to do with family. I am not complaining but full disclosure etc.

DH takes £300 each month solely for him. That doesn't have to cover lunches or travel or anything other than having it in his pocket for himself. I would love to go out to work and badly miss my career but dd has to come first. I deal with all our financial affairs and it's not always easy as we have a lot of medical-related expenses and so on.

I am just very tired and frustrated with dh as he constantly runs out of money and then always seems to have a reason that I "owe him" some. Eg he will spend money on dd (at beginning of month) and then, when he starts to run out, will tell me "oh, those books cost £20 so I'll take that out tomorrow."

Am I being unreasonable to be tired of this? I know he hates his job and I feel guilty sometimes that I don't work (as being at home without a salary does not sit very easily with me).
To be fair to dh he doesn't query what I spend (but that's also because he doesn't think about money at all). He has never been very good with money-to the extent that he wouldn't even get a balance from the cashpoint when I first met him.

Would really welcome other people's perspective.

OP posts:

allgoingtoshitnow · 16/12/2012 20:19

YANBU OP, as I said earlier on.

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/12/2012 20:23

How exactly are they both not doing there bit?

She looks after the house and child freeing him up to work outside the home without having to fund outside help or childcare.

I've never been a sahp but by god if I had one it would save me a fortune and make my none work time considerably more relaxing.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 16/12/2012 20:25

He is "giving" it to her to pay the bills which keep a roof over his head and food in his belly. Hardly the same as earning a wage and surrendering all but £300.

PessaryPam · 16/12/2012 20:29

We have always had a joint account for everything. I regard any other arrangement as being probably abusive.

Fairylea · 16/12/2012 20:31

Completely agree with sockreturningpixie.

Today I have got up at 3.30am and then again at 6am to look after ds so dh can go to work on a full nights sleep (he will give me a morning off one of his days off). I have spent the day looking after ourtwo children, done a food shop and cleaned the house. I also washed and ironed his shirts so he doesn't need to do it when he gets in at 10pm tonight. He is doing 12 hour shifts this week.

If I didn't do those things he would have to pay out for childcare, he'd have to find time to shop and cook either online or in person, he'd have to come in at ten tonight and wash and iron his shirts.

Why the fuck shouldn't I be entitled to half what he earns?? We are a team. Thankfully he realises this.

Incidentally I've done the career woman thing before being a sahm having worked in marketing in senior positions and if I had had someone to do all the stuff I do for dh and our family I'd have been glad to share my wage !

allgoingtoshitnow · 16/12/2012 20:33

I understand the arguments from SAHP in these situations Sockreturningpixie. And 100% appreciate them.

One thing is always skipped over though in the rush to equate the job to how many millions of pounds it is worth if it were paid for privately. Most SAHP want to do the job, and wouldnt give it up for the world. It is a cushy number.

It does reduce the negotiating position IMO.

TheLightPassenger · 16/12/2012 20:34

it's not a cushy number when you are home-edding and/or have a child with special needs like the OP!

allgoingtoshitnow · 16/12/2012 20:36

"Hardly the same as earning a wage and surrendering all but £300."

Thats exactly what hes doing wanna.

He keeps his 300, the rest can be spent by OP as she chooses. She has control of the household finances and hes not interested.

Problem is hes spending his 300, then coming back for more.

Original poster

secondwind · 16/12/2012 20:39

Keen for this to not turn into a work outside/inside the home thread so will just say: my dh has always been utterly useless with money. When we both worked full-time, and brought in good money, it was less noticeable.
My main point, I think, is that I have made all the changes and it's either taking him longer or he isn't going to make those changes.

I can understand if someone has had a bad break-up and feels as though we're all sticking the boot in to men who get up and go out to work: not so. I was talking specifically about my situation and if someone feels "they've got my measure" then good luck to them-what will you do with the other 23 hours and 59 minutes of your day?

Thank you all once again for the brilliant feedback, you've really all helped me see that I do need to sit down with Dh and show him the total outgoings, why I need to keep money aside etc.

Now, have a very lovely Christmas

OP posts:

LessMissAbs · 16/12/2012 20:39

He doesn't "take" £300 though, does he? Its jointly yours. £300 is nothing for out of pocket expenses for someone who works. Working costs a bloody fortune! I don't think I could live on it.

He works full time, in a job he hates, and basically gets £300 for himself at the end of it. He sounds like a good man, not one worthy of criticism!

Theres a limit to how hard you can push people.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 16/12/2012 20:41

What suggests to me that this man needs a good kick in the cock is the way he is resisting any attempt by the OP to resolve the issue (of him having £300 a month to spend on treats for himself, which she does not have, and him also taking more money from the household budget any time he feels like it). He might whine about his job but he's got a lot invested in being the Man, the Wage Earner and therefore the Important Person.

clam · 16/12/2012 20:43

The OP is looking after their child, which means she is unable to go out to earn a wage. Her dh, therefore does, and she enables him to do so. His wage is family money, not his to bestow on her as he sees fit, keeping back pocket money for himself.
Pocket money is a great idea - we do it, the difference being we both have it although I actually have more as dh isn't that bothered.

Almostfifty · 16/12/2012 20:45

I hate these threads. This one at least is slightly different in that one of the parents needs to be at home to look after their DD.

So, all outgoings for the house, including rent/mortgage, bills and food shopping are first sorted.

Then, needs for children.

Then split it down the middle. So you both get what's left.

It's not 'his' money, it's yours, between you. Just because you're not working does not mean you're not entitled to the money. You're partners. End of.

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/12/2012 20:51

He's not giving her the whole lot apart from £300. He's paying his household bills and not considering the needs of the person who enables him to earn what he does and reduce those bills by performing those tasks.

If the op is not in a position to have any none committed spending money to spend as she wishes and he still takes the £300 for his none committed spending.

He is financially abusing her.

PessaryPam · 16/12/2012 20:55

Yes Socks they should have a joint account.

HazelnutinCaramel · 16/12/2012 20:58

allgoing I am laughing at being a SAHP being a 'cushy number'. It's the hardest thing I have ever done and I have a law degree and (had) a career in the city.

PessaryPam · 16/12/2012 21:02

I went back to work it was so horrible Hazel

LessMissAbs · 16/12/2012 21:04

What is the total amount of pay receieved into the household budget each month OP, before bills and after tax? Because otherwise £300 is a meaningless figure.

Do you really spend NOTHING on yourself at all? No magazines, chocolate, fitness centre admissions, sandwiches, nothing ever? Your life is entirely without cost that is non-attributable to other than running the family?

tbh glorious though the role of the SAHP is, I'd be feeling I'd be getting the raw end of the stick if I was the working partner being criticised for being "financially abusive" for spending only £300 each month on myself!

£300 is nothing! Everything is so expensive now, especially when you are in stuck at work and surrounded by expensive sandwich shops, public transport, parking meters, etc..

And while joint finances/accounts/everything shared equally is probably the best idea, its not a right laid down in law. Plenty of people don't have that, and it doesn't mean there is financial abuse occurring.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 16/12/2012 21:05

Hardest thing I ever did too. I used to work with addictions, offenders, homeless shelters. All cushy compared to being a SAHM. I went back to work, I didn't try to hold on to my cushy number...

He does 'take' 300 for himself, though. When I worked and had no DD and DH I had to pay my mortgage, water, heat, light, groceries etc. before I got money for myself. Same with him except his 'pocket money' is taken at the same time as all the essentials. I didn't do that before DD and DH, why would he do that after DD and DW?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 16/12/2012 21:07

"He keeps his 300, the rest can be spent by OP as she chooses. "

firstly, it isn't just his £300. it belongs to both of them as they both contribute to the earning of that wage.

secondly, she doesn't have the rest to spend as she chooses, she has the rest to pay all the bills and education costs for their DD. i'm sure if she could choose she would rather spend it on nice things like meals out with her DD or having a well earned break for a day but she doesn't have the choice. it all goes on bills.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 16/12/2012 21:07

Oh, and I work full time and don't spend 300 a month on just me. DH and I split what is left and spend it as we see fit.

BluelightsAndSirens · 16/12/2012 21:10

Some bizarre views on this thread.

Is the DH entitled to his own pocket money because he earns it? Even without knowing what his family out goings are or whether he is leaving his family short so he can have his £300, and if he spends some of his pocket money on his DC the household money owes him?

Does op get pocket money to the same value, does his owings come from her share if the household money doesn't have enough to pay him back what he spent on his child?

It reads like he resents being the main bread winner. Have you spoken to him about this op?

Does he know this arrangement isn't suiting the family budget?

clam · 16/12/2012 21:12

Do we still really talk about "breadwinners" in 2012?

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 16/12/2012 21:13

lessmiss op said the £300 is on top of what he pays for sandwiches and work related expenses. so he isn't having to feed himself at work or pay parking out of this money. this is £300 after he has paid all that.

PessaryPam · 16/12/2012 21:19

clam Sun Do we still really talk about "breadwinners" in 2012?

Well precisely, and in hallowed tones!

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