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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like the most boring person in the world as a SAHM?

28 replies

MrsJamin · 16/12/2012 06:48

I've met at least 7 of DH's colleagues in the past year for a meal, coffee, etc, and not once has anyone asked me any questions about me and my life. I assume this is because I am currently a SAHM.

Does this happen to anyone else or is it just me that has the most boring life in the world to people who don't have children? Or on the other hand do people not have social skills any more and are happy just to talk about themselves the whole time? It's getting me down and one of the reasons I am looking forward to working again but AIBU that it shouldn't be like this?

OP posts:

FelicityWasSanta · 16/12/2012 06:55

I think the problem here is that your DH's workmates are rude.

HollyBerryBush · 16/12/2012 07:01

When work collegues get together they talk about work - it is their common ground. You are of no interest to them because you are not in the same field of work. Once they have established that you are of no professional use to them then there is no point talking to you.

Did you not talk to their partners?

Gingerodgers · 16/12/2012 07:04

I know people who have done really interesting things, been to great places, and have met amazing people....... Yet they continue to be really dull. Yet sahm, often don't have exciting stuff to talk about on a day to day basis, but can have witty repartee, and formed opinions which provoke lively debate. Being at home can give your confidence bait of a bashing, but it needn't stay like that.

Seabright · 16/12/2012 07:05

Very rude on their part for not including you and very boring of them (not you) to be unable to discuss anything other than work.

SpecialAgentKat · 16/12/2012 07:08

IS DH with you and are they by any chance male?

If you ticked yes to both you have your answer.

YANBU.

exoticfruits · 16/12/2012 07:16

If they are work colleagues they talk shop. If a group of SAHMs met they would be unlikely to ask about work.

HollyBerryBush · 16/12/2012 07:28

It's also a good skill to have to be able to turn conversation to more general things so that everyone is included. This is why the British talk about the weather incessantly! It's a conversation opener.

OP - do you have those skillls to turn conversation? Do you have the prsonality to say 'Boys, work talk is boring, lets talk about something different' ? or are you quite meek and mild? Because unless you are opinionated, want to join in, then you will be overlooked.

Pagwatch · 16/12/2012 07:46

It is pretty dull of them to only talk about work tbh.

When you go on a works do then it obviously starts with work chat/gossip because that is the commonality. But after a while I would expect it to broaden out or I would assume they were pretty fucking dull.

Have you excluded the possibility that your DH and his collegues are just crushingly dull?

Kytti · 16/12/2012 07:52

I feel for you. I had a 'proper' job once, a career, no less! I gave it all up to be a SAHM after child no 2. I have 4 now, and I understand what you mean about being made to feel 'useless' or that what you do must have 'no value' even though we know different!

Just try to to turn the conversation to something you can all share in. What hollyberrybush said is right though, you have to try really hard at it, it's never easy, but can be done.

YANBU ;)

DeckSwabber · 16/12/2012 08:38

Some people are just rubbish at meeting new people.

My SiL has a friend who blanks me if I am in the house when they come round. We actually have potentially loads we could talk about but she kind of glares at me if I say anything. I think she's very insecure. At NYE one year she came round when me, my boys and my mum were also there and she ignored us all, so I decided than it was definitely her and not me and stopped worrying about it.

kakapo · 16/12/2012 08:39

Hmmm, I think it's possible that I would do this, unless they offered something that I could ask about (e.g. mentioned they are taking a language class).

This would be mostly because I don't really know what a SAHM does, and would be a bit afraid to cause offence/be seen as judgy because I'm not one.

I can see how this would be annoying though, so for future reference, what sort of things would you like to be asked? Specific things about your day to day, what you did prior to SAHM, or future plans (e.g. where you'd like to travel/work one day)?

SnakePlisskensMum · 16/12/2012 08:43

Some people define others by the job they do and don't have the imagination to assume that you had/have a life before you had kids. One friend of a friend made no effort to talk to me when I was a SAHM mum but I can't get rid of her now I'm back at work. I'm still the same person, minus the shoulder sick!

kakapo · 16/12/2012 08:47

I think though snake, it's not so much an imagination thing, as pretty much any question can cause offence. You only have to read some of the threads on here to see how fraught this topic is.

For example: what did you do before you had kids? Well, this implies that you think they do nothing now.

Example 2: what do you do during the day? This can be taken as you thinking they do nothing.

It is hard to find a neutral question without being offered something by the person themselves. If I was talking to a SAHM, I would probably ask about places they have been that are worth a visit (UK or otherwise). But if they are not into travel then I'm a bit stuck unless they offer something, tbh.

Backtobedlam · 16/12/2012 08:51

I've been passed over on a night out because of being a sahm...my sisters work colleague was chatting away happily to us all and then asked what we did, as soon as I said sahm he just moved on and didn't come back. I know I'm not boring as he was happy to chat to me up to that point, and if he'd stayed I could have told him all about my hobbies as a naked skydiver....far from boring!

Chottie · 16/12/2012 11:51

I think you should stop worrying about these people. They sound as if they have no personality or social skills. I've been a SAHM in the past, I used to ask people about themselves to widen the conversation. I can talk about golf, ski-ing, boxing now without ever having done any of them Can you guess that DH used to work in a male orientated environment?!?!?

kinkyfuckery · 16/12/2012 11:53

Maybe they have had experiences with people in the past that think they are "just" a SAHM, so then avoid asking questions for fear of insulting you. If you think you've something interesting to say, say it.

DeckSwabber · 16/12/2012 12:12

It a bit weird to define every person you meet and decide what you can/can't discuss with them by what they do/don't do.

Anyone can have an opinion on what is going on in the news, or a local issue, or an ethical issue, and having different perspectives makes it a lot more interesting.

I think if its work colleagues of your husband conversation is limited anyway, whatever you do for a living, as neither party wants to invest too much into it.

Original poster

MrsJamin · 16/12/2012 12:23

The situations have been me and DH meeting colleagues and partners at the same time. The partners are no better than the (mostly male) colleagues. Perhaps it is because they don't know a good question to ask, I didn't think of that, but I wouldn't be offended if they asked me what job I did before having children. I am hyper-aware of saying too much about the children because some people are not at all interested. In the end I do feel more boring and wish there were other things in my life. I have great hopes for 2013! I do have social skills in asking more general things abou theirt family, where they grew up where they live, house and area, other events in news etc. so we do talk generally, and about them. But never about me. My heart was warmed the other day by an older lady asking me what I did and I said "I just stay at home with the children" - she totally didn't let me get away by saying "just" and said what I was doing was important which was really welcome and unusual.

OP posts:

DeckSwabber · 16/12/2012 12:31

Intrigued about your hopes for 2013.....

ukatlast · 16/12/2012 12:59

I have been a SAHM for many years now including while living abroad for OH's job. What I found though, was that even when I was working what I did (office managerial) never elicited any interest at dinner parties either, so just do whatever makes you happy. It doesn't matter what other people think.

Once your kids grow up a bit, you are actually 'the freest person' in the world as you are your own boss and not chained to a desk and the 9 to 5.

So long as you get respect from your partner, despite not being the main wage earner, many people could actually be jealous of SAHMs so play the 'boring line'.

Life's as boring as you make it. An educated person need never be bored. I don't miss the office politics or being chained to a desk. I do some volunteer work but again its under my control. I may go back to work eventually but I think only part-time. Value having control over my time too much.

kinkyfuckery · 16/12/2012 13:01

I said "I just stay at home with the children"

That could be your problem right there. If you downplay it, generally so will they.

Phacelia · 16/12/2012 13:10

I think most people have crap social skills nowadays.

I made it out to a party recently, talked to lots of people and not one asked me 'what do you do' or anything. I asked them lots about themselves and they were quite happy to chat on about their lives, but even when I said things like 'oh you do x? I like x' or something to try and bring myself into a bit, they didn't then ask me about that. Seriously, no-one asked me a single thing. They were of all ages too. People really aren't taught how to have a conversation any more and how you should chat about yourself but then put the ball back in the other person's court.

Longdistance · 16/12/2012 13:16

I was asked on my dh's Xmas do for a living. I told them I was sahm, and that my dc were 3 and 18mo. They all thought I was rather busy. One lady asked if I was a lady of leisure but I told her ow old my dc were, and that shut her up
I do find it rude when people ask you what you do, and then don't follow up a conversation.

kakapo · 16/12/2012 13:28

Ok longdistance, what's an acceptable follow up question then? How old are your DC?

Chottie · 16/12/2012 13:46

MrsJamin - that older lady was right, you are doing an important job. Perhaps you just need to adjust your response slightly??? ......... something like, at the moment I'm at home with my two young children, prior to that I worked in the xxxx sector.

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