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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think I should care about not beig married?

86 replies

Cathycomehome · 15/12/2012 22:51

Not really a Fred about a Fred, but someone posted about being upset about the reaction she got to talking about marriage after seven years.

I've been in a monogamous relationship for fourteen years, we have dc aged 12 years and 5 months.

Some people expressed the view that seven years with no wedding equalled lack of commitment. Really?

Where does that leave my family?

OP posts:
WelshMaenad · 15/12/2012 22:54

There are lots of ways of making commitments. Yanbu to decide which of those suit you best. If you are happy, isn't that all that matters?

That said, ywbu not to put legal protection in place for yourselves and your children should something happen to one of you.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 15/12/2012 22:58

We have legal protection through separate solicitors, and life insurance each, in the kids' favour. Why would we need to get married?

OP posts:
Theicingontop · 15/12/2012 23:03

YANBU!

9 years happily partnered right here, met when we were fourteen Grin. No vow swapping in sight. No thank you. Having a child together, for us, was the biggest commitment we could make. I really don't see how chucking a few grand at a registrar will solidify us any more. Get a bit of grief from his nana for living in sin but she's giving up slowly.

EdithWeston · 15/12/2012 23:05

You cannot benefit from spousal exemptions to IHT if you are no married, nor qualify for State bereavement benefits. Some pensions don't pay out to non-marital/CP partners (usually only older ones). And if there is an incident abroad, you may run in to NOK problems.

WorraLorraTurkey · 15/12/2012 23:07

If you're in a committed relationship with kids and you intend to stay in it, surely it's easier to pop to a registry office and tie the knot?

I mean easier than getting solicitors involved and sorting out all the protection and legal stuff that's automatically afforded to married people?

Probably much cheaper too.

RogueEmployee · 15/12/2012 23:08

Children are a far bigger commitment in my book, they really do last forever.

WorraLorraTurkey · 15/12/2012 23:19

You're right Rogue and yet so many people have them willy nilly with people they hardly know.

It's odd that very few people will marry people they hardly know though.

I'm not saying they should btw, just that the bigger commitment often has far less thought put into it.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 15/12/2012 23:21

But, Worra, we've done all the legal stuff. Hassle over! So now why should I be married?

OP posts:
WorraLorraTurkey · 15/12/2012 23:24

No-one's saying you should be married I don't think.

It sounds to me as though they're just suprised that you two don't want to make that special commitment to one another that doesn't involve children or anyone else.

You've every right not to do that if you don't want to...but they've a right not to understand it I suppose.

The main thing (and the only important thing) here is that you're all happy so I wouldn't give it another thought.

EverythingsDozy · 15/12/2012 23:27

The only reason we got married (other than the love / children stability / financial etc reasons) was that I wanted to have the same surname as my DH and our DC. It makes us all feel as one unit, rather than having them all have one surname and me another. But then, that could be due to years of feeling left out and wanting to belong.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 15/12/2012 23:27

Coolio. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Cathycomehome · 15/12/2012 23:29

Ps my children have my surname and my partner's surname. Again, no hassle.

OP posts:
GlitterySparklyBaublesOfDoom · 15/12/2012 23:29

DP and I have been together 27 years. DS is 25. We arent married but we are committed to each other totally and to my knowledge no one has ever questioned it.

We have planned to get married twice but things got in the way such as firstly discovering we were expecting DS the week we were due to have our big fluffy wedding leading to a cancellation and then six weeks before we were due to have our next actual wedding my DF died suddenly. We weren't able to go ahead with either of them. I daren't book a third one. Things seem to happen when I arrange a wedding.

RogueEmployee · 15/12/2012 23:34

My brother and his partner have been together ten years, which is twice as long as DH and I and they have no plans to marry. They just don't believe in it. Marriage is going out of fashion, obviously! Grin

WorraLorraTurkey · 15/12/2012 23:34

Have you double barrelled their surnames OP?

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 15/12/2012 23:36

Yup, but no hyphen. Hyphens are common unless you're aristocracy Wink

OP posts:
Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 15/12/2012 23:36

If you don't want to, don't!
I've no intention of marrying my oh of 5/6 years. We get so many comments too, but we are perfectly happy as we are. I'm not anti it, it's just not for us.

BertieBotts · 15/12/2012 23:37

I'm confused. Are you asking if you should care or if you shouldn't? It seems like you aren't bothered, which is fine IMO.

WorraLorraTurkey · 15/12/2012 23:39

Lol @ the no hyphen aristocracy...I see what you mean Grin

I'm just wondering though, what happens if they marry someone with a double barrelled surname?

Surely that's going to cause angst/guilt at having to choose what to keep and what to ditch IYSWIM?

Minshu · 16/12/2012 00:05

Friend of mine recently lost her partner of 24 years while abroad. So many practical, legal and financial aspects would have been less of an ordeal had they been married Sad

usualsuspect3 · 16/12/2012 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helltotheno · 16/12/2012 00:14

As long as you, your DP and your children are legally protected, that's absolutely fine. I don't find anything remotely strange about it and tbh I don't really understand why anyone else would consider it strange either.

I think though, lots of people in your situation leave themselves very exposed by not legally protecting themselves.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 16/12/2012 00:19

DH and I are 46.
Met at 19 (awww).
Married at 28.
Had DC at 33 and 36.

I just wanted to be married (after 9 years), and personally, I wouldn't have had DC without being married.

StrawberryTot · 16/12/2012 01:57

Carhycomehome I'm almost 11 years, 2 dc's, a dog and 2 cats into my relationship with zero intentions of getting married.
I wouldn't sweat it Grin
I will admit the dp does make it clear he would marry me tomorrow if he got his own way, I on the other hand is very much fine just the way we are!

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 16/12/2012 04:29

YANBU

If you aren't bothered then fine, each to her own, do what you like. Nobody else's business.

Weirdly I had two friends at school who as soon as they left home, their parents married