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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think I should care about not beig married?

86 replies

Cathycomehome · 15/12/2012 22:51

Not really a Fred about a Fred, but someone posted about being upset about the reaction she got to talking about marriage after seven years.

I've been in a monogamous relationship for fourteen years, we have dc aged 12 years and 5 months.

Some people expressed the view that seven years with no wedding equalled lack of commitment. Really?

Where does that leave my family?

OP posts:
SomersetONeil · 16/12/2012 05:12

"Children are a far bigger commitment in my book, they really do last forever."

Children last forever, but relationships don't. Having children is a commitment to the children; not a commitment in the slightest bit, necessarily, to the other parent of those children.

As Worra says, people procreate with nary a thought to the consequences. And walk away from those relationships with equal ease. But unless they're a Kardashian, they do tend to give a lot more thought to commitment when it comes to marriage...

ceres · 16/12/2012 05:47

i'm married but we were together a lot longer than 7 years before we got round to it.

we got married because it was a nice thing to do and it makes life easier legally (next of kin, wills).

our relationship hasn't changed a bit. we were committed to each other before and remain so.

imo marital status is not in itself indicative of commitment.

Timetoask · 16/12/2012 06:12

I wouldn't have children with someone that didn't show his commitment to me and our relationship. For me being married shows commitment.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 16/12/2012 06:22

The children themselves, and the house and the will and all else in my favour seem pretty committed, without a forty minute ceremony and a ring.....

OP posts:
SledsImOn · 16/12/2012 06:25

I don't think you need to be married.

What bothers me is never having even been ASKED, whichI feel indicates a failing on my part but no one will tell me what.

I'm just clearly not good enough.

But what you have sounds healthy and good. I don't see any reason to worry.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 16/12/2012 07:25

Children last forever, but relationships don't. Having children is a commitment to the children; not a commitment in the slightest bit, necessarily, to the other parent of those children.

Yea bur once you have kids that person can be forever linked to you and can always impact your life. That person will be taken into consider stion for weddings, christening etc. Even if the other person how and leaves and doesn't see the child there is always the chance they could turn up and turn you life in its head.

op you don't need to get married. No one does. I go married at 20 and am still with dh 10 years later. I live being marries. Its important to me. But just because its important to me, doesn't mean it should be to anyone else.

Being married is a choice. if you choose not to and are you are both happy with that. There is no problem.

lljkk · 16/12/2012 07:38

"There is no problem" that's my reading, too.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 16/12/2012 08:02

actually op in you case it is 100% not a lack of commitment.

You have gone to great lengths to protect yourself without being married. Not being married has been an active choice.

I think when people talk about being a lack of commitment, they are talking about relationships where one wants to get married or the subject is avoided or people are just floating along.

Again its not always a sign of a lack of commitment. But in your case its an active choice, so definitely doesn't mean you are not committed

Backtobedlam · 16/12/2012 08:15

If you are both happy as you are then there is no issue. I was in married with 2 kids for 7yrs but the difference was I really wanted to be married and my partner didnt. In that case I think it shows lack of commitment or consideration as it was something very important to me. If you are happy and have no wish to marry, no problem.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 16/12/2012 08:17

Sounds like a committed relationship to me Xmas Smile

I was on the other thread, I'm getting married next August after going on 15 years together. I already feel like I'm in a committed relationship and it's felt committed since we bought a house and moved in together after about 18 months together. I have two DC from previous relationships, none with DP but he's been a brilliant stepdad to them throughout their childhoods.

I don't expect getting married to make any difference to how I feel about my relationship, we're just doing it because it's a nice thing to do and it tidies things up legally.

I know what Brady means about having DC with somebody - they sort of become 'family' and there is a permanent tie there even if you never see them and cannot stand them. I don't think that's the same thing as commitment though, it's more like having a relative who you cannot stand but have to tolerate occasionally for the sake of family harmony.

MammaTJ · 16/12/2012 08:18

I agree that having a child together is the bigger commitment. After all, that cannot be undone but a divorce is not hard to arrange.

FirstTimeForEverything · 16/12/2012 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peppapigpants · 16/12/2012 08:55

DP and I have agreed never to get married. We've both been there, done that. There are at least three last names in this house (his, mine, my DC who still have their dad's name) and sometimes four (his DD who has his last name AND her mum's last name). We will spend the rest of our lives together and enjoy every day we have left because we're nearly 50 already

Cherylkerl · 16/12/2012 09:45

Yanbu - each to their own. For some people, it adds something, for others, not one jot.

Hang in the relationships board and you'll find plenty of people in the committed institution of marriage flouting that

there are many people in committed relationships, some are married, some are not.

eslteacher · 16/12/2012 10:26

YANBU. I have never ever felt motivated to get married, it has always seemed a bit arbitrary to me and not particularly the best proof of commitment. Plus I hate being the centre of attention and throwing big parties, so that whole side holds no appeal. Luckily DP feels exactly the same. We have said we may consider getting civil-partnershipped (possible for straight couples here) at some point just for reasons of inheritance, insurance, pensions etc. But probably not until we're quite a bit older.

Helltotheno · 16/12/2012 11:44

Plus I hate being the centre of attention and throwing big parties

you don't have to do that though, marriage doesn't have to involve having a wedding if you don't want to do it that way. Dh and I got married on our own in a register office. It's fine not to marry as long as you have things sorted legally now in case one of you died suddenly, because if that happened, things could be v tricky if you had nothing in place.

Regarding the commitment part, it's different for everyone, but I know for an absolute fact that my being married doesn't alter my relationship with my partner at all... it would be the exact same for me if I wasn't married. We just did it to safeguard each other/the kids legally.

eslteacher · 16/12/2012 12:50

I know you don't have to do that, I just meant that there isn't that extra factor of motivation there for me to get married that there is for some people who do love the idea of having a big wedding.

DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfJolly · 16/12/2012 12:53

We got married. I didn't feel all that strongly about it either way but legally it made sense. I do like my wedding ring. It's pretty :)

eslteacher · 16/12/2012 13:02

And just to add, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a big wedding, I love going to other people's weddings - it's just not something I want for myself!

peaceandlovebunny · 16/12/2012 14:29

its about what you and your partner want, isn't it? if you're happy to be unmarried, that's fantastic. but if you're crying yourself to sleep, and posting on internet forums, because you want him to propose, 'you' (not you, the woman on the other thread) should have thought about that before living together.

peaceandlovebunny · 16/12/2012 14:30

is all your legal stuff in place? there's no such thing as a 'common law wife' in english law - if your partner dies you could lose out.

Viviennemary · 16/12/2012 14:36

If both people are happy not to be married then that's fine for them. If one person isn't then it's not fine. I wouldn't be happy if a partner of mine wouldn't commit to marriage. But it's an individual thing.

garlicbaubles · 16/12/2012 14:41

YANBU at all :) Just reasonably glide over other people's efforts to dictate what YOU do with YOUR life.

Sleds - Nearly all my boyfriends asked me to marry them. This doesn't indicate 'success' on my part, so much as my tendency to date men who were well beneath my merit! I even did marry two of them. Silly me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/12/2012 15:04

OP... I'm curious. You post all the way through the thread that you've done this and that to safeguard the children. Nobody here has suggested that you should marry if you don't want to, why would anybody care a damn what you do either way... so what's the thread about really?

Do you have a secret hankering to get married or be asked or something? I don't understand why, when something isn't important to you - and you keep saying it isn't. So why would you care about whether other people would care (they don't) about you being married or not?

YABU to confuse me... that is all.

seeker · 16/12/2012 15:09

I do think the name thing is bizarre. Why does it matter? And anyway even if it does, you can change your name without being married, and not change your name and be married, so