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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think I should care about not beig married?

86 replies

Cathycomehome · 15/12/2012 22:51

Not really a Fred about a Fred, but someone posted about being upset about the reaction she got to talking about marriage after seven years.

I've been in a monogamous relationship for fourteen years, we have dc aged 12 years and 5 months.

Some people expressed the view that seven years with no wedding equalled lack of commitment. Really?

Where does that leave my family?

OP posts:

TwitchyTail · 16/12/2012 15:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/12/2012 15:13

Regarding commitment to a partner... you can only ever answer that for yourself, your own feelings. You can't ever really know how much or how little your partner is commited to you, marriage or no marriage, children or no children.

helpyourself · 16/12/2012 15:39

No-ones saying you should be married OP.
Tilts head
Do you want to be married?
Scarpers

TrillsCarolsOutOfTune · 16/12/2012 15:41

Are you being unreasonable to think that you should care about not being married?

Yes. YABU It is unreasonable to think that you should care.

Some people care. Other people don't care. Both of those are perfectly normal.

Thinking that you should care (and that it is therefore wrong to not care) is unreasonable.

SomersetONeil · 16/12/2012 19:24

"Yea bur once you have kids that person can be forever linked to you and can always impact your life. That person will be taken into consider stion for weddings, christening etc. Even if the other person how and leaves and doesn't see the child there is always the chance they could turn up and turn you life in its head."

I agree, all these things can absolutely happen, but none of them involve a commitment to the person you procreated with. The only commitment is to the child.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 16/12/2012 19:50

The only commitment is to the child.

Yep. A life long commitment. The other person does to. Your child, who are committed to, could have their world turned upside down by the other parent (leaving you possibly to pick up the pieces) or will have to consider the other parent for weddings etc.

Both parents will be tied forever by the co.mitment to their child. So the commitment is to the child but binds all three and all three can impact each others lives forever.

Emmielu · 16/12/2012 19:50

you shouldn't care. I don't. then again I'm 21. I like to see people get married, that's nice. But marriage isn't my thing. I like my space too much. I just about tolerate OH coming over for a roast on a Sunday. Marriage will come when it does. Don't worry about it not happening either.

seeker · 16/12/2012 19:53

I choose not to be married and I'm 54. It's not just the young ones.

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 16/12/2012 19:57

Hi, op back. To. Answer, no, I don't care or want to be married, in fact I suppose we've fairly actively chosen not to be married. My mum cares, and she cares that my brothers aren't married but living in long term partnerships with kids too.

I think my Aibu was in response to quite a few posters saying there's a lack of commitment if a man isn't desperate to marry you, but I think that's been cleared up on this thread by people saying it's different if one person wants to but the other doesn't.

Who knows, I may have some kind of mid life crisis in five years and do a Jordan with a carriage and a massive pink dress. And thrones.

OP posts:

Abitwobblynow · 16/12/2012 20:00

"Children are a far bigger commitment in my book, they really do last forever."

The trouble with that statement is that children really are made (and made daily) with a few pokes and a squirt, ie it can happen with all the commitment and forethought of a barn animal.

But marriage? It means putting your cock on the block (and I say that as one who has been very hurt in marriage, and has failed).

But those kids were very much planned for (financially as well) and very much wanted, because that is what marriage (the getting of children bit) means.

Loislane78 · 16/12/2012 20:04

16 years here and not married, we're 34. Met at freshers week and been tog ever since, had our first DC this year and things couldn't be better :)

We've lived together forever, travelled together, been through lots of personal ups and downs so a piece of paper makes no difference to me whatsoever at this point. Maybe one day if I'm bored and need something to organise.

I have friends who were keen to get married. Paid for own wedding, spent a fortune. Had a DC a year later and now can't afford to buy a house and having a second for them means that would never happen. We bought ours at 27 and are now v financially secure for our DD and maybe another one.

Not saying you have to spend a fortune but then it seems a bit soulless to 'just get it done' without the celebration. When anyone ever says anything to me about not being married and they are, I'm usually able to say come and talk to me in 10 years time :)

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 16/12/2012 20:07

Well I know that children aren't always planned or wanted, sadly, but ours were and are (12 year age gap? That shows some effort! ).

As an aside, my iPad wanted to auto correct to "aren't always Anne's or wanted", which is true.....

OP posts:

Wishfulmakeupping · 16/12/2012 20:15

I've been with my partner for 9 years and people get judgey about why we're not married which annoys the fick out of me. We are in a loving commited relationship which we are both faithful to- which i couldn't say for a lot of couples we know.
I know most people think that he must be reluctant and that's why we're not but truth is neither of us wants the hassle of a wedding -we will get round to it eventually but it's not a priority for us

FadBook · 16/12/2012 20:26

wishful we are similar to you, been together 7 years and have no plans to get married, have 1 dd. We have so many people (mainly family) getting in their pennies worth.

One line which my DP really despises is "..you should do the right thing now" This was following a conversation about how happy we were after having a baby and in the process of moving house.

My DP has done the "right thing" from the day he met me- loved me, supported me and got us both through IVF, pregnancy and labour. He does the "right thing" every day by working hard to support his family, being a good dad and being a brilliant partner.

He and I both don't see what a marriage certificate will do for us as a family other than dent our savings account and change my last name (something I could do by deed poll). We have sorted a Will out very recently to protect us both & ensure our dd goes to the right person should both of a die. We're happy with our arrangement but many people have something to say about it and this can come across as judgemental to me personally, especially when I couldn't give two hoots about someone marital status as long as, as a couple, they are happy.

NamingOfParts · 16/12/2012 21:18

For someone outside your relationship the thing a marriage gives is an external declaration of the time-frame to your relationship.

A marriage tells officialdom when your relationship started and if need be when it stopped. On the whole the state doesnt peer in through your bedroom window so doesnt know if this other person is your life-time partner, a lodger or someone you picked up last night.

Wills and agreements are a good idea but they can be unilaterally changed.

It is possible to live with more than one person at the same time but it is not possible to be married to more than one person at the same time. A marriage can end but both sides know that it has ended. A partnership can be broken unilaterally.

Marriage isnt romantic but it is practical! It isnt about changing your name, having a party, wearing a ring unless you want it to be. What it is about is making a public declaration of your relationship.

Kendodd · 16/12/2012 21:40

I love being married, we married shortly after meeting (16 years ago). People used to ask us if it was different to living together, we both agreed it did feel a bit different (better) although niether of us could put our finger why.

Not everybody feels like us though, it's not for everyone.

Out of interest, 'next of kin' is a legal thing, yes? Can you name somebody as your next of kin or is it fixed legally?

Anyone know?

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 16/12/2012 22:02

We have had situations where I or the children have been in hospital. No issue with my partner being named next of kin at all.

OP posts:

Loislane78 · 16/12/2012 22:06

Sorry naming but I disagree. I concede being married may give certain legal benefits as assumptions are made on next of kin etc.but it is irrelevant to the state the timeframe of a relationship - it's more binary than that as you are or you aren't.

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 16/12/2012 22:09

I have named my partner as next of kin for myself twice. Once to agree to consent after a serious accident in which my arm was broken in three places and twice whilst giving birth. He has also agreed treatment for our DS 2 when I was incapable a unconscious as next of kin. No problem, and we're not married.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 16/12/2012 22:11

So three times, actually!

OP posts:

Shagmundfreud · 16/12/2012 22:14

I like being married - it lets the world know that my DH and I believe our relationship to be exclusive and permanent. These days loads of people have children together and share a home on the basis of a fairly short term and superficial involvement. It's a way of signalling the seriousness of our connection without having to explain (as you've done in your OP) the length of our relationship, how we feel about each other, or the fact that we share a home, and have had to involve the services of legal professionals.

TBH - as someone who married at a register office at very little trouble or expense, engaging solicitors in the way you've had to do sounds like more trouble and cost.

Kendodd · 16/12/2012 22:16

If you were unconscious though Cathy, could he give consent for treatments for you? Can you 'fix' this legally? Equally, state who you don't want named as next of kin?

VBisme · 16/12/2012 22:24

Cathy, you seem completely sorted, if anyone does not have a legal committment (will etc) from your DP please think about it seriously. It's probably cheaper to get married than to get a solicitor to draw up the documents that give you the same protection if you aren't married.

amandine07 · 16/12/2012 22:27

It's all down to the individual couple- get married if you want to but it's not the law that every couple needs some outrageous big wedding.

Personally I want to get married, I'd be gutted if me & the OH don't get married at some point in the future.

NamingOfParts · 16/12/2012 22:28

The time frame is binary - until you are married you arent, when the marriage ends you are not.

Except for the odd popstar people dont accidentally marry. At the point at which they marry they should both know that they are committing themselves legally to another person. Until the marriage ends, that is the person they are legally committed to. Living with someone doesnt carry with it the same level of automatic commitment.

From the outside the state doesnt know if you have committed to each other or are just sharing the house.

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