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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want get married after 7 long years

100 replies

Purplefurrydice · 15/12/2012 18:50

I mentioned the 'M' word last night and now my bf has been sulking and not speaking to me for 24 hours so far.

OP posts:
nocake · 15/12/2012 18:51

He's behaving like a stroppy toddler. Are you sure you want to marry him?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 15/12/2012 18:52

You didn't mention marriage for 7 years?

But you want to get married? Confused

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot · 15/12/2012 18:52

Sounds like a lovely guy Hmm

VitoCorleone · 15/12/2012 18:53

You mention marriage and he sulks and doesnt speak to you all day? How immature

expatinscotland · 15/12/2012 18:53

LTB

scuzy · 15/12/2012 18:53

he is immature for sulking.

but is this the first time either of you talked about marriage?

Theicingontop · 15/12/2012 18:57

'Mention' or 'argue'?

KittyFane1 · 15/12/2012 18:59

What on earth is he sulking about?

KittyFane1 · 15/12/2012 19:00

I meant to add : He sounds ridiculous.

EuphemiaInExcelsis · 15/12/2012 19:00

What exactly did you say, he say, etc?

Have either of you been married before?

bedmonster · 15/12/2012 19:00

Yanbu. But if he doesn't either then hinbu. Though I'm finding it hard to believe that after 7 years the subject hasn't come up before. How old are you both if you don't mind me asking, and do you have dc?

peaceandlovebunny · 15/12/2012 19:00

sack him. start again elsewhere, and this time make your intentions clear.

not specifically related to the op but the situation in general:

i do wish women would stop shacking up with men they want to marry. if you want marriage, get the deal done before he has the benefit of the best years of your life. currently women think they're clever for not asking for anything. its a con! its been a con for forty years and its not getting any better!

by all means be strong and independent, take one lover after another... but not if you intend to be married. if that's what you really want, plan it from childhood and behave accordingly.

why should anyone want to marry a woman when she's given away everything she had to offer - her youth, her looks, even her reproductive capacity? when he can be having a pint in his local and find half a dozen blokes there who've been with his wife?

and back to the op:

he should be begging you for marriage, not sulking when you mention it.

samandi · 15/12/2012 19:10

erm, peaceandlove ... it's nearly 2013 the last time I looked. There are plenty of men who want to marry women because they want to be married. As for planning from childhood ... Confused

The whole situation, if real, sounds rather silly anyway. Most people discuss marriage like adults, certainly before they've been together for seven years.

chrismissymoomoomee · 15/12/2012 19:15

Wow lovebunny you have excelled yourself with that rant.

You think all women have to offer is youth, looks and reproductive capacity?

Speak for yourself. I really would hate to live in your world of cynicism.

OP is this really the first time either of you have mentioned marriage in 7 years?

ethelb · 15/12/2012 19:16

"why should anyone want to marry a woman when she's given away everything she had to offer - her youth, her looks, even her reproductive capacity? when he can be having a pint in his local and find half a dozen blokes there who've been with his wife?"

wtf? she didn't get married before she moved in with him. Big deal. Why are you suggesting she has been sleeping around with his mates. What an odd, and insulting thing to suggest.

SamuelWestsMistress · 15/12/2012 19:17

YANBU. Took me 13 years! And weeks of him sulking.

laughinglikeadrain · 15/12/2012 19:17

Me and DH got together in 1991. His wife had just got pregnant from his best friend and they split up, and i had just split from a man who put me in hospital 3 times in 3 months of living with him.

So we both said that we wanted to be with each other, but we didnt feel ready to commit any more than that. I said that i liked him and he liked me and that was enough. I warned him no kids, no marraige, no commitment and if he didnt like it he could leave.

then christmas of 96 i woke up christmas morning and said... its not enough any more. we got married the following easter.

If he had said that he wasnt happy to change the status quo i think that i would have left him to pursue what i did want, but the truth is..... I wanted it with HIM, not some random person.

fast forward to 2012 and we are still happily married, drving each other mad and laughing like a drain.....

OP what caused you to change your mind? there must have been a trigger to change your feelings about marriage. Speak to your man, why is he so shocked, becuase thats what it sounds like to me, that he has been blindsided.

Original poster
Purplefurrydice · 15/12/2012 19:19

Sorry about the lack of detail in the first post. This year my father died this year so my head has been all over the place dealing with his death and all the arrangements.

For the first 2 years we were long distance as we lived 90 miles away. Things were going so well that I decided to move near to where he lived. To be honest to get away from my crazy family was the best thing I have done as they were making me ill. I thought that we had agreed to move in together at that point, but he said wait 6 months and see how it goes. Wherever I brought up moving in together he either refused to talk about it or caused a row. However, he was quite happy to come round my flat and eat all my food, use my electricity, hot water, etc. I the end I had had enough of this and gave notice on my flat. I then sat down with him and told him that I had given notice on my flat, and that I was moving back to where I came from, unless we moved into together. he told me he wanted to move in together and here we are almost two years later.

I have always been very clear to him that I view marriage as very important. He 100% wants children, but am not willing to get pregnant when he has shown no commitment. However, I try not to bring it up too often as I don't want to 'nag' him about it. I have made up my mind that at the 7 year mark I will leave him as this will give me few months to tie up the lose ends (concerning my dad). I feel my only option is to leave and find someone else if want marriage and children.

OP posts:
RogueEmployee · 15/12/2012 19:24

Well if you had never discussed it before then I assume you had never told him you were particularly against the idea of marriage. I think lots of people jump into marriage very soon, before they have lived together for any length of time and really got to know each other, I'd say around five years sounds about right. Seven sounds overdue, surely it must have been on both of your minds and your family and friends' before now. What exactly did he say?

And peaceandlove, who would actively want to marry a virgin with no life or relationship experience? Fair enough that some people fall in love very young and choose to do it this way but it's not something I would favour. I'd much prefer a man who has been around the block a few times and knows precisely who he is and how to conduct a relationship than a boy whose only ambition in life is to be married.

Shagmundfreud · 15/12/2012 19:36

OP - how old are you?

Original poster
Purplefurrydice · 15/12/2012 19:37

RogueEmployee I have always been very clear that I view marriage as VERY important to me. We have discussed this several times and all I get is, 'one day', 'soon', 'we don't have enough money'. I have also made it clear that I don't want a big do as I don't have any family to invite.

His parents are also desperate for more grandchildren and are always asking by bf when I go round when he is going to propose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplefurrydice · 15/12/2012 19:38

I'm 32 and my biological clock is ringing.

OP posts:
juneau · 15/12/2012 19:44

Does he know that you're going to end the relationship if he doesn't agree to marry within a reasonable time frame? If not, you should have that conversation. After seven years together I think you need to be completely open and honest and open with one another and if he still sulks and refuses to discuss it, you'll have your answer. He sounds reluctant to commit, certainly, but do you know why? How old is he? Does he just not see the rush?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 15/12/2012 19:44

You're 32?!

I thought you must be 25 or 26.

Don't marry this guy.

Don't have kids with him.

He's not that into you. He is just a lazy man who is wasting your time until something better comes along for him.

You had to drag him kicking and screaming into sharing a flat.

You'll have to do the same with marriage, with children.

That's no way to live your life.

You need someone who can't wait to marry you, who wonders what a baby would look like with your eyes and their chin.

peaceandlovebunny · 15/12/2012 19:47

you might not like what i say but it is a recipe for getting what you want. if you want a husband.
and its my standard rant against women who allow themselves to be conned. i have more extreme ones...Xmas Wink