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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want get married after 7 long years

100 replies

Purplefurrydice · 15/12/2012 18:50

I mentioned the 'M' word last night and now my bf has been sulking and not speaking to me for 24 hours so far.

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 15/12/2012 20:55

DP and I have been together almost 19 years, we have 4 DC, have had our ups and downs but we love the bones of each other, we are a very tight little unit.

We got engaged in 1999 I think, planning on getting married at some point, then new jobs, buying houses, lack of money, life got in the way. I never wanted the big white wedding anyway, I suppose we've never really been that interested in getting married. There's always something better to spend our money on. W have joked we'll get married on our 20 year anniversary but I'm not that fussed.

But you both have to feel the same way, marriage is important to you, your DP should realise that and stop sulking. There's no compromise here, either he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, have children with you etc and for that you want to be married or he doesn't? You need to really talk about this.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/12/2012 20:55

I think there is some truth in the idea that if you move in with a man and he has all the benefits of marriage, but none of the responsibilities, it is very easy to waste years on a man who is just not that into you. And you won't know until you start talking about marriage/kids and then it quickly becomes apparent that he is marking time with you until someone better comes along.

Of course plenty of women live with men who think the world of them and are totally committed, whether married or not, but if you've had to push for any sign of commitment then the chances are he is not as keen on you as you are on him.

OP, he is showing no signs of wanting to be with you for the rest of your lives. If you have to give an ultimatum (like you did with moving in together), then that's a bad basis for a lasting marriage.

He should want to marry you. The fact that he doesn't speaks volumes.

FamiliesShareGerms · 15/12/2012 21:00

Exactly, sweetkitty, the key thing is for all parties to be in agreement about the situation: marriage / no marriage; some kids / no kids / lots of kids; spend / save etc etc. It doesn't matter how people live their lives, as long as the people they are living it with think the same on the really important stuff.

FamiliesShareGerms · 15/12/2012 21:01

Ps, OP, if it really feels like "7 long years" with your partner, maybe they weren't all that great...?

RogueEmployee · 15/12/2012 21:03

It sounds like you are looking for a big gesture from him to give you the go-ahead to plan a family and future with him which is understandable as he doesn't seem to be acting like the most committed man in the world at the moment and you want to feel secure in the relationship before you start this stuff.

My brother and his partner have been together unmarried for ten years, two children and you couldn't imagine two people more committed to each other. Does that gesture absolutely have to be marriage? And if so are you prepared to kick him to the kerb and start again with someone else if he insists he doesn't want to get married?

Fwiw, you aren't tied to him with children and he already seems a bit jaded and complacent about your relationship. I'd have a break from him for a while so you can both think about your priorities and what you want from each other. Time away from him at this point might give you a whole new perspective.

scottishmummy · 15/12/2012 21:38

why you need to marry?is it a marriage or you walk sceanario?
if so why wait 7 long years.I'd say be clear in next relationship
do put cards on table that to you marriage is important,and don't fanny about waiting to be asked

Original poster
Purplefurrydice · 15/12/2012 21:40

The funny thing is that he is quiet happy to try for a baby (his suggestion) but I have said no until we are married. I have explained to him that this is non-negotiable with me. What upsets me is that I made this clear near the beginning of the relationship.

I think that at the moment I am grieving for what could have been. I am not going to leave him now as I have too much on my plate at the moment (dad) but I am 100% committed to walking away in a few months if need be.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 15/12/2012 21:48

why did you hang about 7yrs hoping for proposal when you know it's deal breaker
think carefully before leaving the relationship,would a ring really seal deal?
is it really out question to be unmarried?

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 15/12/2012 21:52

Sounds like you know what you need to do. Why would you want to marry someone when you can already imagine not having him in your life?

Original poster
Purplefurrydice · 15/12/2012 22:02

I think that when you have close family member die it makes you reevaluate your life totally.

My bf does have many good qualities but this is not enough for me.

I would never cohabite with someone again, as this is a living situation I am not happy with.

As far as I am concerned for the relationship to continue both parties need to be happy.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 15/12/2012 22:09

you both need to be happy is a complete truism
so don't shack up with man if you will only settle for marriage
your dp isn't wrong,neither are you.hope all works out for you

noddyholder · 15/12/2012 22:09

He obviously loves you but not into marriage. I am like this but thankfully my dp understands and is ok with it. It is funny how it is always the person who doesn 't want to get marriedvwhomis seen as the bad guy.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 15/12/2012 22:55

He let her believe for 7 years, from her mid-20s to her early 30s, that marriage was in the future.

He allowed her to waste 7 years of fertility, 7 years when her peers were meeting men to settle down with because he was too selfish to be honest.

That's no kind of love.

And of course it makes him the bad guy.

Why are happily unmarried, but committed, people always advising women to stay with men who don't want to marry them?

noddyholder · 15/12/2012 23:08

I am not advising that but i am just saying he probably won't change. I didn't realise he had said he wanted to marry maybe he changed his mind in those years about marriage in general but not her?

noddyholder · 15/12/2012 23:11

I dont think he did let her believe that. He had to be given an ultimatum to co habit. The op forced him into the supination they are in now.

RogueEmployee · 15/12/2012 23:15

It's really sad that this might spell the end of your relationship, hope this all works out for you. It's stange that he is happy to consider children but not marry. Children seemed the much bigger commitment (to me at least, I know others will disagree). What does he have against marriage?

scottishmummy · 15/12/2012 23:18

no op wasn't hoodwinked she stayed,wasn't coerced.if time was wasted she was complicit too
If marriage was so important she shouldn't have whacked up for 7yrs with mango doesn't want to marry her
she chose not to have child as unmarried,apparently he wanted baby.she s
wouldn't unless married

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2012 23:26

"Wherever I brought up moving in together he either refused to talk about it or caused a row. However, he was quite happy to come round my flat and eat all my food, use my electricity, hot water, etc. In the end I had had enough of this and gave notice on my flat."

Sorry, but he's still the same man now that he was then. A user and a taker. It is the way he is, and I don't see him changing. Cut your losses and look elsewhere.

Kiwiinkits · 16/12/2012 00:11

A committed relationship is the one, elusive thing that cannot be forced. And if it is forced, it feels wrong. OP, why try and force it? If you get what you want, and he caves in, how will it feel?

Kiwiinkits · 16/12/2012 00:15

Do you actually WANT to marry this particular man? Really and truly? Write a list of all the things you want out of a husband, for example,

  • Good temper
  • Good communicator
  • Responsible with money
  • Kind to animals and children
  • Good family and upbringing
  • A can-do attitude etc

And see how many of these things your man actually has. Because it sounds to me like if he's capable of throwing a tantrum when you merely talk about your future and your feelings, then he's probably a bit of a git. Sorry.

Kiwiinkits · 16/12/2012 00:17

by the way, he refuses to talk about your future because it makes him uncomfortable. And it makes him uncomfortable because.... you guessed it, he doesn't want to either lie to you or tell you the difficult truth that he just isn't that into you.
I'd cut your losses if I were you.

scottishmummy · 16/12/2012 00:49

man not desiring marriage isn't undesirable.in op case she wants a marrier
and maybe its time for both go elsewhere.she wants marriage,he wont
the op isn't wrong,neither is her op.Just she only Twigged 7yr on

foreverondiet · 16/12/2012 01:02

I think that 7 years is a long time to spend with someone without getting some sort of commitment (if that's what you wanted). But I also think you are a bit mad to have left it so long esp with biological clock ticking.

When I started going out with DH it was also long distance for 2 years) - after one year I said, ok, I love you but I want to get married and have kids, but if you aren't ready to commit by the time you move to London (he couldn't move until certain date) then I will have to look elsewhere - so basically he had a year to think about it. I accept that was a quick ultimatum but I think that after a year or so you know everything you need to know to be able to make a yes or no decision.

I think the others are probably right that best to cut losses and look elsewhere. If he throws a strop about a marriage conversation after 7 years he obviously isn't that into you.

Also what are his views on having a baby, as surely you have talked about that?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 16/12/2012 07:50

"Children seemed the much bigger commitment (to me at least, I know others will disagree)"

I agree, and I think most women do. Because for a woman having a baby is an enormous commitment in that it usually makes them dependent (at least temporarily) to the father.

There are (rare) men who don't "believe" in marriage.

But far more common are men who very much believe in marriage, but don't want to get married to the woman they are with.

Some of these men are willing to offer a baby to keep their domestic service and regular sex arrangement going, and don't see it as that much of a commitment.

They see a baby as being the woman's business, and don't intend for it to change their life at all (and we all know that there are men whose comfortable lives carry on as before when a baby comes).

The big change it will make is that it's the best way to get the silly bitch to STFU about marriage. Many don't even realise in advance how compliant a woman with a baby will become, and how much advantage can be taken of maternity leave to craft yourself a little housewife.

Men are socialised to take what they want. A man delaying, being vague, sulking, refusing to discuss and offering things to keep you there for the moment, does not want to marry you.

If you go ahead and have a baby with him, you're likely to end up raising the baby alone. At first because of his lack of involvement, and ultimately when he leaves you to marry someone else.

BelleDameSousMistletoe · 16/12/2012 08:06

Everything Sleighbells says on this thread sounds spot on to me.

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