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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want get married after 7 long years

100 replies

Purplefurrydice · 15/12/2012 18:50

I mentioned the 'M' word last night and now my bf has been sulking and not speaking to me for 24 hours so far.

OP posts:

FamiliesShareGerms · 16/12/2012 08:14

Has the OP come back to the thread?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 16/12/2012 08:30

Quite simply, if he wanted to be married to you, he would. He doesn't, so he won't.

I spent many, many years with a man who did not want to marry me, and more fool me, said as much.

If marriage is what you want, why are you with him? Leave him.

TheElfOnThePanopticon · 16/12/2012 08:36

When I think of the 8 dads I know who are most involved in childcare and their children's live, 3 are happily married to the mother of their children, 4 are in committed relationships with the mother but aren't married, and one is divorced but has a very amicable relationship with his ex-wife. I really don't see the stories of doom that have been mentioned here.

However, I'm not sure if OP's partner would fall into that category.

Kytti · 16/12/2012 08:42

Married my bf within 2 yrs. I was in my late 20's. Been married coming up 11 years and still all great. We did live with each other first and had LOOOOONG conversations about what it really meant. I was always honest about wanting a serious relationship.

lovebunny I'm with you. xxx

He sounds like someone who has used you over and over. Get rid. Sorry. :(

FamiliesShareGerms · 16/12/2012 09:01

My unscientific survey (ie looking at my group of friends, family and colleagues) shows that those women who had to pressure their bf into getting married (eg by giving them ultimatums; constantly talking about it in front of their friends; proposing) are those who had the shortest lived marriages. To be clear, I don't think that this means women should all sit waiting to be asked, and never bring it up in case they scare their bf off, but I do think that if men want to get married (and these are the only men who should get married), then they will do so without much prompting.

Same applies to men who want to get married to a GF who doesn't.

I think I'm over investing in this thread, as a good friend has just announced he is getting divorced after three years of marriage (and together for over ten years), and he was someone who was given an ultimatum ("marry me or it's over") and who went for an easy life and had a wedding.

noddyholder · 16/12/2012 09:14

I agree no one should have to be coerced. But I also find the idea of one half having all the power odd. Waiting to be asked is ridiculous in an adult relationship.

scottishmummy · 16/12/2012 10:31

dp and i had the big conversation early on.kids yes.married,no.live in sin yes
career important to both so work ft when kids come. in end have onne all that
you got to have that candid cards on table talk,see if significant differences

noddyholder · 16/12/2012 11:04

Yes scottish that sounds normal to me rather than one person just waiting for validation. I said yes to kids and living together and complete financial equality but marriage was a no for me too.Dp wasn't bothered about marriage either way although he would get married if I wanted it. You need to have a serious chat and no holds barred.

scottishmummy · 16/12/2012 11:15

I'm surprised when couples don't have the big talk,and get by on hints and hopes
you need to establish individual preference about stuff like work,finances,marriage
and if your individual preferences don't match it will be apparent,and not hidden

motherinferior · 16/12/2012 11:22

My partner would quite like to get married. The idea really does not fry my onion. I would absolutely hate it if he said get married or split up; I might, reluctantly, marry him, frankly (he is a nice bloke and all) but would resent him a lot for it. Just saying.

scottishmummy · 16/12/2012 11:29

doesnt fry my onion fantastic expression I'm stealing that.will use shamelessly
I'd hate an ultimatum,but we'd never get to situation of having one
op knew he didn't want to marry,she chose to stay.her dp didn't trap or coerce her

doyouwantfrieswiththat · 16/12/2012 11:31

ltb..you don't need any more children you sound like you already have one.

scottishmummy · 16/12/2012 11:34

why?cause he won't marry her?op hasnt been lead in.her dp isn't wrong
wanting to be unmarried is legitimatechoice,not indicative of childish at all
frankly op shouldn't have hung on hoping for ring from man who doesn't want to marry her

doyouwantfrieswiththat · 16/12/2012 11:37

throwing a big sulk when trying to have an adult discussion, not taking responsibility for what should be joint decisions in a relationship...what would raising a child be like with someone like that?

scottishmummy · 16/12/2012 11:46

Clearly doesn't want to marry her hence the huff.that should speak volumes why not to do it
she wont have baby unmarried,he won't marry.result is impasse they want different things
he's not lead her own,she hung about 7yr hoping he'd change mind.that's her decision

noddyholder · 16/12/2012 11:58

His hand was forced at the start with the living together.The op assumed they would and then had to give notice on her flat and threaten to move away for him to relent. He probably resents that I know I would. Scottish is right they want different things so best to cut losses now.

noddyholder · 16/12/2012 12:00

He may not want to marry anyone not just her.

scottishmummy · 16/12/2012 12:07

I feel quite sorry for the guy.op desperate to marry,parents desperate for grandchild
both girlfriend and parents banging on,asking when he'll propose
no wonder he's in huff probably got a headache all that hectoring

FlatFacedArmy · 16/12/2012 12:33

SM he could end the "hectoring" in a split second if he chose - all he has to do is say "No thanks, I'm really very comfortable as it is and I don't plan on marriage to OP or at all." And the OP could make her own way from there.

By refusing to make a clear statement about it he is putting up with the "hectoring" just so that he can avoid having to make a decision one way or the other. That's his price for a comfortable status quo.

scottishmummy · 16/12/2012 12:40

I agree he needs to give her the straight obvious no I don't want to
op needs some self respect to stop chasing a man who doesn't want to marry her
both parties need to accept they want v different things.neither one is in wrong

noddyholder · 16/12/2012 13:17

OP could also end it by walking away from someone who gets annoyed when she mentions one of her big long term wants!

peaceandlovebunny · 16/12/2012 13:57

i am not sorry for the man at all. he was willing to take seven years of her life etc but not willing to commit to marriage. she's been foolish and he's been selfish. move on.

scottishmummy · 16/12/2012 14:17

he didn't take,she willingly cohabited with man who doesnt want marriage
no one coerced or duped her,she stayed putting hope before fact
this isn't tawdry tale of woman lead on.its woman who didn't read the signals

noddyholder · 16/12/2012 14:23

Tbh in a long term relationship you shouldn't still be reading signals

samandi · 17/12/2012 09:17

noddyholder - exactly. These things should be pretty plain and just happen naturally. Ultimatums, sulking, hints ... sounds like a pretty crap relationship. There is no way I would move in with a man if I had to cajole him into it!

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