DH spending our joint money on his DCs

[ilikelongnaps]

I just want to post here to see if IABU before i tackle this with DH. I'm on mat leave atm receiving stat mat pay so things are tighter than usual. DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

Today i was checking our joint account online and its ALOT lower than I had expected. It turns out DH has been using the our joint account to buy his DDs bits and pieces eg among other things £30 spent in New Look and cash withdrawn here and there when he's been with them and almost £25 in mcds, all of which he told me about but I assumed it would be him paying out of his account, not ours. I know he's bought his DDs big xmas gifts this year that he said has left him short of money but now i'm stuck with hardly any money in the account to buy dd nappies and milk etc. and we were going to buy an xmas tree and a dd's first stocking.

It's not fair that he knows I'm not earning what I was and i'm going back to work in the new year but i was so careful and not done alot of things with dd that i would have liked to while ive been on mat leave and felt guilty about taking money from the joint account for 'fun' things and not bought any clothes for myself (I wouldn't spend £30 in New Look on myself atm as i wouldn't be able to justify it) and it just seems a bit unfair that just because he's low in his account he can just use our money to treat his dds which i would have no problem with if we could afford it but we can't.

So that was long! I guess i'm ranting and ordinarily i wouldn't mind him using our joint acc to pay for stuff for his dds as long as our dd was stocked in nappies and formula which i think are more important than a 10yo getting some leggings!

No, my second dc wasn't financially punished, my ex and I could afford to give them a reasonable standard of living before we chose to have them. But then he wasn't emotionally punished either, and didn't have to feel like his Daddy was starting a new family away from him.

It makes a difference to me, I'm only talking about my own situation in answer to your questions.

Actually - can you convince the CSA of your POV?
Then MY benefit income wouldn't affect the amount DP has to pay for his DCs - after all, I'm not significant in his life, am I !

The CSA is a joke in many ways unfortunately.

Outraged, how come you say this:
But then he wasn't emotionally punished either, and didn't have to feel like his Daddy was starting a new family away from him.

In the same breath of mentioning you went on to have another child? Why is it different?

Both of my children have the same Father. My DH and I have chosen not to have a child of our own because we feel it would be detrimental to the dc we have.

I said that because I think some step parents convince themselves that they are adding to the lives of their step children when they give them a half sibling, when actually, they are not.

The op has said she got her dd's present, given the detail she has already gone into it would be unlikely she wouldn't mention if dh had also got presents for dd.

The op has also indicated by saying dh brought them iPads that it was dh who did not dh and his ex if that was the case she would have said dh went halves with ex on iPads,

The older children are not missing out,if its raining and you want to get away from other household members you do not need to go on a £55 trip that has to cost the person you are getting away from half, you could just as easily
Go for a hot chocolate or coffee after lunch.

The buffer that you are very keen to keep bringing up is obviously something they have agreed to, having both paid equally towards most people use buffers for emergencies going to new look and McDonald's is not an emergency.

"I said that because I think some step parents convince themselves that they are adding to the lives of their step children when they give them a half sibling, when actually, they are not."

That's a strange opinion.

Apologies I misunderstood!

Well deep, scared breath... We always planned to have one child. We could quite comfortably afford more, but we agreed it wouldn't be fair on DSS with the new contact arrangements he was going to need to adjust too, plus we never wanted him to feel like we were a nuclear family and he was the offcut.

Long story short, he was with us 100% of the time for his first two years while his mum was getting her life back together and went to rehab.

Now she's back, we discussed contact and I told DH as much as it killed me as DSS calls me mummy, he deserved a chance at a relationship with his mother. DH can't forgive her and wanted to fight for sole custody but when she's clean, she's alright and she is a good mum to DSS. Anyway, we agreed one child so DSS could have a sibling and I fell pregnant with twins! So that took us from 'quite comfortable' to just 'comfortable.' Obviously not intentional though, we never wanted two more children, just one.

DSS now spends 70% with us and the hope is to eventually get 50/50 amicably.

I treat him no different than DTS and this has been really hard on me, but at the end of the day I'm not his mother... She is. I don't have a right to take that away as much as I selfishly want to!!

Sorry for the speech, I just needed a vent and I figure MN hates stepmums anyway so I might as well let rip!

At the ages of DSS and DTS they essentially get the same spent on them, maybe a little more on DSS.

I think OP's DH is trying to be a Disney Dad which seriously needs to be addressed, but it concerns me he used their joint account for treats for the kids without even saying anything. I know it's not technically lying, but if DH ever took out large sums and spend it on things the money wasn't meant for, the lack of honesty would piss me off the most.

Outraged- it could be said that you having a second child could be detrimental to your first child. Or should all parents never have any more children even if they can afford them?

But if you see a couple of preteens not having a McDonalds and an I pad as being detrimental then you should stop being so materialistic. Money doesn't bring love.

outraged When you had your DCs, with your exDH, did you plan to divorce their Dad and live separately from him?
Did you plan to suffer the financial consequences of making your joint household income stretch to cover the cost two households?
Was it really possible to separate, & divorce without it impacting on your DCs at all - either emotionally or financially?

Has your new relationship and marriage had any impact on your DCs lives? Or are they totally unaffected? They have the same amount if your time, emotional and financial commitment from you that they had when their parents were together?

Or have YOUR choices affected your DCs lives as well?

Bonsoir, I think it's strange that anyone would assume the oldest children are always going to be happy about it and never upset because of a new half sibling coming along.

Perhaps the DH is being a bit of a Disney Dad, but I don't understand why that is always seen as such a terrible thing. It's just a Dad who doesn't get to live with his children trying to spend quality, enjoyable time with his children when he does get to be with them, and perhaps spending a bit more money that he would otherwise.

My ex does the Disney dad thing sometimes. He also does all the important things that are fundamental to good parenting. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

This has just got ridiculous now, I'm astounded by some of the opinions on here, the one that really got me was...
You should not have another child if you can't meet the needs of the existing children
Yes I do agree with this to a certain extent but come on let's gain a little perspective here, he pays maintenance, he clearly takes care of their needs but I do not think that a 10yo needs an iPad!
I would love an iPad but I can't have one because I can't afford it. Kids need to learn that they can't always have everything they want, that's just life.
DP used to spend about quadruple on his kids than I did on my DS but now that we live together I don't think it would be fair if his kids got so much more than my DS so what do we do? Do I have to spend money that I can't afford on DS so he gets the same as his step siblings? DP can't afford to spend as much on his kids as he used to but should he get in to debt because his kids shouldn't go without now that their Dad's circumstances have changed? Maybe he should have stayed living with his mum for ever to ensure he could afford lavish gifts forever? No it's just ridiculous, jointly as a family we can afford X amount on the kids and it will be split fairly, they will have a lovely Christmas and love their presents.

I think everybody should remember one thing... CHILDREN NEED YOUR PRESENCE NOT YOUR PRESENTS!

If siblings have a good relationship with one another and with their parent, IME there is no problem about have new half-siblings. Problems arise when parent-child or sibling-sibling relationships have a history of dysfunction.

Disney dad is bad because other than the fact they're avoiding parenting, the kid has no special memories of a Disney dad. I had one. All he ever did was give me ridiculous presents and if he couldn't see me, send money. It made me act up to get his attention and severly damaged my self esteem. I saw him every other weekend Fri-Sun and I was always spoiled.

As an adult? That makes me feel cheap. I meant so little to my father that he's rather throw money at me than to have been my dad.

Mum's a hardass but she's the one I have all the happy memories with.

But if you see a couple of preteens not having a McDonalds and an I pad as being detrimental then you should stop being so materialistic. Money doesn't bring love.

My words are being ridiculously twisted there. Being able to time alone with your Father when you have just had a new half sibling is something I see as detrimental. When you are ten, and you have based your expectations of your parents on the way they have treated you and spent money on you for your entire life, then you get told that all this is going to change because Daddy's new wife has had a baby and she says so, is actually quite detrimental.

Of course my choices have affected my dcs lives. My choices and those of their Father are supposed to affect our dcs lives. Our new partners choices should really not have any significant effect on out children's lives at all. That's the way we run our extended family, and it happens to work exceptionally well.

And if I was the DSD's mum I don't think I'd be over joyed about them getting iPads off dad, now she's going to feel under pressure to get them something just as impressive.

Fwiw I'm pretty sure I don't hate step mums i just think the ones who constantly say unpleasant things about the actual parent and are overly outwardly negative about them and try to play a huge role in the lives of the children usually after about a week of seeing the parent they are involved with are a bit unpleasant.

You didn't do that as far as I could tell.

AgentKat, I don't think it always means that. Like I said, my ex does more exciting things with the dc than I do on many of his weekends, but he does the important stuff too. He is every bit their parent, just as much as I am.

I had a Disney Dad too, and while I can see why my Mum hated it at the time, I can now understand that my Dad loved me very much and showed it in the best way he knew how. So, he wasn't perfect, but then I'm not the perfect parent either. He loved me and provided for me - that's pretty much all that children need or want.

Outraged, you might think it would be detrimental to your children, that's your viewpoint and opinion on the situation.

But it doesn't apply to ALL families, and a lot of the time when mum or dad goes on to have more children it doesn't mean the lives of their existing children are ruined. My OH's ex is about to have another baby, and we have 1 boy together with another due in March. We're all sooo bad.

My DSSs (15 and 17) quite frequently tell us that if DP, DD and I weren't there, they'd have f*ed up big time by now. Our family (and that includes DD) provides the structure, stability and ambition for their futures that is totally absent from their mother's home.

outraged but it was their father's choice to marry and have a new baby. The implications with that choice include his wife being on maternity leave, having another mouth to feed and therefore the family has less money.
Or do you propose that when a woman has a baby then it should only be her who feels the affects of the reduced wage? She should go without things whilst her husband carries on living and spending as he always has?

Sorry Sock, I shouldn't have tarred everyone with the same brush. I've just seen a lot of it on the forum and since our situation is quite... Delicate (one night stand culminating in DSS, DH wanted to be in DSS's life. Ex had a serious drug problem, we started dating when she was 7 months along, things got ugly... Not going into further detail in case I out myself)

So I've always had that feeling that he was 'my son.' But no matter how I feel, he isn't. She's a nice woman, been clean for awhile and she deserves a relationship with her son. Just wish she'd pay all the therapy bills I've been taking since I 'lost' him :(

Hmm Outraged, fair enough. May I ask, in the pursuit of knowing whether out perceptions are just different or your dad was a better one than mine, how did he 'Disney Dazzle' you most often? Toys? Trips? Cinemas?

I think that adds in as well.

When you are ten, and you have based your expectations of your parents on the way they have treated you and spent money on you for your entire life, then you get told that all this is going to change because Daddy's new wife has had a baby and she says so, is actually quite detrimental.

What if it changes because Daddy loses his job, or Mummy gets ill? Is that detrimental, too?

Or, do effective parents explain it to their Dc's in a way that is age appropriate, allow them to be angry and resentful and then support them to live with the reality of their life?

It's easy to teach a DC how to be a victim. It's teaching them to be resilient and adapt to whatever life throws at them that is much harder, and a lot of parents don't seem to bother.

I know that too, honestly!

I adore my children's little sister, she is lovely, and of course her arrival hasn't ruined the lives of my children. Her arrival hasn't been detrimental because my ex has been very careful to not allow that to happen, either financially or emotionally. However, it could very easily have been detrimental if his girlfriend had thought the way that some people on this thread seem to think.