..in not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!

[havingastress]

I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..

Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.

If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.

So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)

and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too

Will take on board all comments :)

'but is it worth the absolute hoo ha that would cause??!!'

Yes it is. Because it sets the scene and rules for the future. And that is that YOU are the baby's mother and YOU call the shots wrt the baby. You're still getting to know one another and adjust to motherhood, you do not need a pushy psychopath getting in the way.

This is probably the only time it is fair to give people this kind of ultimatum. Either do things the way I want and be nice to me or you don't get to see the baby. Because even if you don't do it intentionally, you're dreading of the visits will mean they see less of the baby one way or another. Better you tell them how to behave and the conditions that will make you WANT them in your child's life.

I'm baffled as to why anyone would expect to have their 5 week old gc overnight without their mother. I'd have been astonished (and probably rather worried) if my ddil had been willing to do this and I cannot imagine asking her. Dgd is nearly 2 now and we'd still be far more likely to stay at her house to look after her overnight than we'd expect her to come to ours.

YANBU. Your MIL, on the other hand, is being massively U.

YANBU! Your baby is 5 weeks old! If you don't want to leave her then don't.and as for those posters calling you unreasonable for leaving her with your mother and not MIL, as you said, you know your mother, and you don't know your MIL that well. If you refused to leave her wih a friend you didn't know well, nobody would call you unreasonable! It is your prerogative to leave your baby with whoever you feel comfortable!

My baby is 3 months and I've never left her without me. I couldn't bare to be without her. UANBU. You may have to consider seeing the mother in law with your baby more to try to ease resentment towards you, so it's a bit more fair. Esp if she knows your mum has the baby a lot/overnight. But I wouldn't leave my baby alone with anyone I wasn't comfortable with. Does your partner agree with you?

staroflight thank you for also validating that it's ok that I can call the shots so to speak. Literally she bangs on about how ridiculous and possessive I'm being over the baby! (ERM...she is my child! ? ) Told me it wasn't normal to monopolise her so much??!

YOu know what, the more I think about it, the more i don't want to be the bigger person and make the effort to go down. I hate going. I'm miserable whilst I'm there. I can't breathe whilst I'm there. Like people have said, lots of time in the future for her to have time with her. I'm still not 100% recovered from the birth.

She managed to make the trip to our neck of the woods to pick up a bloody shed she won off ebay (ONLY time she's actually visited our house) - yet continually bangs on that it's too far to expect them to travel for the day.

She can come here and see her, or she can continue to strop away! Anyways, it's not like I have to deal with her - like I said, she won't ring me or the house phone!!! I'm just going to keep repeating to DH, we're not going!!!

Oh sweetheart - you're not well enough to travel 4 hours in one day with a recently poorly very new baby to somewhere you will be uncomfortable both emotionally and physically.

This is madness.

TELL DH to just tell them that you've seen the doctor and you're not well enough to travel. If you both decide you'd like to, maybe invite them over for Christmas / boxing day / another day but explain that you're not able to have them to stay in your house, they can stay in a B&B/hotel nearby.

It is his job to protect you and help you recover. It is your job to take enough care of yourself so that you an recover and be a good mum to your DD. NOTHING else is as important as this. Certainly not the feelings of people neither of you particularly like.

lovely mumsnetters, you are really helping me get the confidence to really put my foot down about all this.

If you feel uncomfortable then you don't have to have a reason, just say 'no, I don't want to leave her overnight at all until she is much older' and that is all. If she keeps asking say 'I really did mean it, I am not going to leave her with you until she is much older' then refuse to engage.

Just thinking about it, but I'm sure I read in one of my numerous baby books that while babies are newborn that you should try to avoid exposing them to things you're allergic to in case they are too. In my case it's cats hair You could use that as a good excuse. She should come to you. My parters mum is the same, she thinks we have to visit and doesn't bother coming to us. I've gone round once since my girl was born, (I try to avoid it because they smoke so much in the house, although she didn't while we actually there) But I've made a big show of having her over for dinner and things and plan to keep having dinner occasions so that it's more they have contact at mine.

YANBU

i have only ever left my 14m DD once at night..... when i was in hospital.

I have rarely left her in the day either, though i did give her to her grandparents for a few hours a day for a few days when we were moving house.

Exclusively breastfeeding made it very very easy for me to not need "excuses" though

YANBU in the slightest

I didn't want any of my 3 stay overnight away from me until they were 3 or so. I wouldn't leave them, even for a couple of hours, even with people who love them, in a house with big dogs. (I know a little girl who is scarred for life and almost lost her eye because of her own family dog)

But being supercharitable, I'd say she wants to help, she wants to have a close relationship with her grandchild, and she doesn't mean harm. Obviously it's all about her. The "my baby" stuff must be irritating but it doesn't really matter.

I think you just have to dismiss it with total politeness. "Oh it's so so sweet of you but a baby needs to be with it's mother at this age" etc I'd be proactive in inviting them to have contact with her on your terms. Having them to stay (you and DH could nip to the pub for an hour) and meeting them half way for pub lunches etc.

"Told me it wasn't normal to monopolise her so much??!"

Mad. It's not called 'monopolising', it's called 'parenting'. And it's at its most intense in the early weeks. The woman is batshit crazy, I think I said as much on your last thread.

OP I agree that it is worth putting your foot down firmly and asap.

If your fil is lovely would it work to get your dh to have a quiet word with him? Maybe he could temper some of MIL's excesses?

Is your dd the first grandchild? My PILs were also rather OTT when ds1 was born and I think had got rather carried away with their fantasies about what amazing grandparents they were going to be.

We used to get terrible phone calls from the PILs but our strategy for dealing with them/difficult conversations (FIL's latest was berating dh for not sending the dcs to a Catholic school) is we politely refuse the first time, then cut them short if they don't stop.

God if only Mumsnet had been around when DS was a little baby..... I did leave him with ex-DP's mum, at around 11 weeks. I did drive 2 hours to take him there for a 2 night sleepover. And I didn't really know her from Adam! I didn't really know what I was doing, to be honest - partly from lack of knowledge and partly from total and utter lack of sleep (and bugger all support from my own DM with whom I was staying at the time).

With the benefit of hindsight (and more sleep), I wouldn't do it again. I remember it felt very weird being without him. But I thought that was what you did, you see. Silly, eh?

havingastress you just stick to your guns. You've got Mumsnet behind you all the way, and thank God for that, or you'd be ground down into giving in.

"No. She's too young to have any kind of sleepover. She needs her Mum, and I know best". (and you do, so just trust those Mummy feelings).

I remember pinkgate thread!

So sorry you are still being bullied by her like this. I wouldn't bother trying to be the bigger person either. Start now to do what you want, and what is best for you and your 5 week old baby! She is barking! Am angry you have had all these MIL issues clouding your DD's arrival. If you put her straight NOW you might actually get to enjoy your baby's first year rather than being hounded and put down by your MIL.

and she's 2 hours away? Definitely no then.

You need to make your husband tell her no. If you can't do it yourself.
My son is almost 2 years old and has never stayed the night with anyone but me and my DH!

"Told me it wasn't normal to monopolise her so much??!"

Aaah, tell her to fuck off!
She's an interfering old cow, I remember pink gate too! and you don't need the stress!

Oh dear oh dear. I really feel for you. I didn't know my late MIL that well, but we talked a lot and I knew I could trust her to look after DS. She still wouldn't have got overnight visits at 5 weeks though-madness.

Don't go to MIL's for Xmas. Or until you and DD feel better, actually (bronchiolitis is horrible). She probably always wants you to go there to have home advantage, feel more in charge of things. Which is mean when (i) you're still recovering from birth; and (ii) you are allergic to her dogs.

I second the advice to keep a bit more distance. If she won't speak to you on the phone, good. Please tell your DH not to pass on any messages about DD staying over (or any other MIL complaints, actually). Say it's a closed topic, you don't want to hear what MIL has to say about it for, ooh, another 3 years at least!

I am pleased you are planning to stay away from her house! DS is 13wks old and cries inconsolably if I try to leave him with Daddy and run a bath. I couldn't even have him sleep in another room, let alone a different house, let alone 2 actual bloody HOURS away! I'd probably cry all night.

It's awful that I'm thinking I wish I didn't have a MIL because yes, she is making me bloody stressed. (such a shame my work colleague isn't my mil because she's been bloody fantastic, such a support, so it's not the mil thing as such, it's the fact she's a bloody pain in the arse!)

I don't think she actually believes I am allergic to the dogs despite having seen me struggling to breathe, sneezing and wheezing every single time we have ever been. She just breezily brushes it off with 'ohh just don't be silly, breathe normally!' Last time we went (8 months pg) I was a mess, took me 6 hours to recover.

Pinkgate (lol!) was one thing..on the face of it, rather petty on my behalf and I took on board the yes i was being unreasonable comments. DD has had plenty of pink on that has been pooed on and vomited on LOL! Fair points made all round. But all this pressure post birth is just getting too much for me.

I'm DREADING to think how this will progress over the years (especially once DD can talk etc, what kind of rubbish will she be filling her head with :( and her stomach :( ...she's just made the decision to wean her grandson at 4 months...she made it...not her daughter..mind you..daughter incapable..but I don't want her to be forcing food into DD's mouth at 4 months..i want to wait til the 6 month mark)

DH has read some of the comments from last night but I am definitely going to let him read all of the thread. think it will help him massively too.

I remember your previous threads and you're definitely not BU.

You just need to stay firm and do things the way that's best for dd and you.

And if you're at all bothered by the thought that she's telling people you're not letting her be involved with the baby, just make sure every card or photo you send has written across it 'i do hope you can visit us again soon' or somesuch.

Best of luck

Meet at a mutual neutral place, like a child-friendly pub perhaps?

TBH if my MIL (or even my own DM) had bought cot, nappies etc. before she had established and developmed a relationship with any of my children it would freak me out and have me running for the hills. It is NOT a normal way to behave.

If you HAVE to give a reason you can say that when you eventually leave your baby it will be becuse she has developed a good secure and attached relationship with the person you are leaving her with.

Forget about YOUR distress atm, what about the distress to your baby? At that age she doesn't know you are coming back. You are out of sight and she thinks it is forever. It's different for people who leave their babies in regular childcare, although it is very rare that a 5 week old would be left.

She's nuts your MIL. You do know that right?

I banned my MIL from babysitting after I came home and found an empty brandy bottle in my kitchen. I didn't enter into a discussion with her, she's DPs mother, he dealt with it. You have to do what you have to do. AND you need your DH on board. You both need to sit down and decide what is acceptable and what isnt, and then you BOTH need to stick to it!

It's horrible now, and your MIL may well continue to be a PITA, but don't waste your energy worrying about too far ahead.

My MIL has got much easier to cope with in relation to DD over the years. First nursery & then school minimised any involvement with childcare, and DD has always been a fluent talker, so she simply can't bad mouth me or my family, or fill DD's head with crap as DD will come straight home and tell me all about it !

I did write on their christmas card...'Don't forget, we're only a 2 hr drive away, do please come up and visit soon' lol.