..in not feeling comfortable with leaving my precious 5 wk old baby with MIL?!

[havingastress]

I've posted before - don't have the best relationship with the MIL..

Anyway. She is now pressurising me massively to leave our baby with her overnight (without me) and I just don't feel comfortable at all. I'm running out of ways to say No - she just will not let it lie. She also wants us to go for extended stays, when frankly I can't bear spending more than a couple of hours at their house (they have big dogs which they refuse to put away and I'm allergic to them) as I find her such bloody hard work.

If I'm honest, the only person (other than my DH) who I feel comfortable leaving her with right now is my mum. But after all, she's my mum! MIL might be my DD's granny, but I really don't know her that well and I just would never forgive myself if something happened.

So, AIBU to keep saying No to the MIL? Or is she being unreasonable expecting to spend alone time with DD and complaining that my mum gets 'better access' (her words)

and yes, realise I am probably being PFB about this too

Will take on board all comments :)

[Xalla]

I was going to say that! I stayed with my Mum when my DS was about 7 weeks old and I was knackered so I asked if she'd have him in her room for the night.

She came into mine at 2:30am and said, "sorry, I just can't, I'm exhausted"!!!

Fair enough, she's done her time!

Absolutely who wants a 5 week old baby for the night anyway!?! The woman clearly is nuts!

Defo say "no".

[BellaOfTheBalls]

YANBU, but do remember what others have said; the way you feel about your mum is the way your DH feels about his mum.

She's probably expecting the same thing to happen with your DD that is happening with her DGS. We had the exact same thing as MIL had regularly had her two older GS's for up to a week at a time from a very young age. EBF and sleepovers don't mix however.

My DS1 was 2 before he stayed over with them & now at 4.6 has spent 4 nights away from me in his entire life; one of those being when I has DS2. My 16mo DS2 has never spent a night away from me.

[belagh]

ok i'm on to baby number 3. I wouldn't leave 5 week old with anyone unless I was dying in hospital.
my lovely mil did get slightly ott when I had ds1 but I set ground rules with dh so we managed. Everything calmed down, my 2 and 4 year olds stay once a month or so.
If they are causing you stress speak to the midwife, Dr or hv they will back you up. It wouldn't be the first time they had to speak to a new dad about supporting a new mum... in the nicest way.
although this is a mil in this case, mum's aren't automatically trusted. I would never have left my dc with my mum but I have no problem now with my mil.
Think of issues that may cause problems and discuss with your dh what you will and won't find acceptable, this makes it harder for things to be twisted to make you out as being unreasonable.
Remember you are not unreasonable, you and only you will know when you are ready and with whom you want to leave your dc with.
Gp relationship is really important but parents are more important

[EverlongLovesHerChristmasRobin]

Ds's GF asked me to have DGs at 4 weeks so she could go to a 21st.

I said no. It was too soon. I was scared for some reason. A big responsibility.

There's no reason for her to have him.

[YuleBritannia]

I wouldn't leave any small children in a household where there are large dogs. Full stop.

[Chelvis]

My DD stayed with my MIL at 5, almost 6 weeks .... however, I was very very ill with food poisoning (I was almost hospitalised) and DH was away on an unavoidable work trip (came home early, but couldn't leave immediately). I only handed her over because I had fainted several times with exhaustion and unable to function as I was constantly vomiting, even water. That's a good reason to have a 5 week old away from their mum; the granny wanting to play mummy isn't.

Even without the vomiting, it was a horrendous night - I sobbed for hours, I swear I was physically in pain to be away from her (my breasts definitely were!). And I absolutely trusted MIL with her (nursery nurse for almost 30 years). It's just unnatural to separate a mother and child at that age.

[Jayne266]

I have the exact same problem and I feel really bad about it as mine DS is now a little bit older and my mum has had him a few times during the day. She has had him once overnight but I didn't feel comfy and I got less sleep when he wasn't there not more lol. As your DD gets older you will be comfy letting people mind her for a little bit (you may be asking them by then) but don't let her pressure you into anything.

[DumSpiroSperHoHoHo]

YANBU but you already know that by now!

I can really sympathise with your MIL/DH situation as mine is similar. Fortunately my IL's and parents both live within a few miles so short visits were always an option.

I am really surprised at the number of people who feel it is unreasonable for you to more comfortable with your own mum looking after your DD. Assuming you have a good relationship with your mother, you will have inherently learnt some of your parenting skills from them as you grew up, which is bound to make you feel more relaxed/confident with leaving your child in their care rather than with MIL who is, in theory, a kind of 'unknown quantity' for want of a better way of putting it.

Obviously for most people this is something that needs to be 'gotten over' in time, as of course IL's do have the same biological relationship - but at 5 weeks old there's plenty of time for that, and it should always depend to some degree on the people involved.

My DD is now 8 and my relationship with MIL is pretty tempestuous at times, but whilst I may go and occasionally even a bit about some of MIL's ideas - I know that she loves DD and wouldn't let any harm come to her. But that has come over time - my mum had her overnight at 6 weeks, MIL probably not until she was about 18 months (although they shared daytime care when I went back to work).

You can't simply say that because the biological relationship is the same, both GP's should be treated exactly the same.

[Mytimewillcome]

I'm someone else who has had a similar situation. I think the only way is to set your boundaries as to what you find acceptable and what you don't from the start otherwise it will just escalate.

From personal experience it did cause a huge row but it was worth it.

Mine bought car seats, push chairs, cot beds, high chairs and was truely getting on my nerves. They live 4 hours from us and expected us to stay there even though I don't get on with her at all. Its much better now. I am in control and my DCs have never stayed overnight with anyone (they are 2 and a half and 8 months) even though there was alot of pressure for me to bend to her wishes. I was even told I was being unreasonable!

As long as you are on Mumsnet and speaking to other mums you will know who is being unreasonable and it certainly isn't you!

[yomellamoHelly]

No and especially not at so young. They should be snuggling with you.

My eldest was 5 1/2 when he went to stay with his gps for two nights. His request and has fantastic relationship with them. They all found it very stressful and it's not been repeated. He's now 9, still adores them but is quite certain he doesn't want to stay with them. It's just the way he is. Home's where he's happiest. Other two (6 and 3) haven't stayed anywhere else either.

[sue52]

A 5 week old baby should not be away from it's mother unless there are medical reasons. Your MIL is wrong to pressure you like this. You should not be spending time in her house if you are not comfortable (and are allergic) around her dogs. Where did MIL get the idea that baby was there to keep her company? If she wants better access then she should visit at a convienient time for you.

[greenfolder]

Only advice

Tell her now that you do not intend to leave DD until she is at least 2. you will not discuss it, it is your and dh decision. you will review when she is 2.

dont answer the phone to her.

[melika]

No, do not even go there, especially when she has two large dogs. Who's to say she will be extra vigilant with leaving the baby with them?

NO.

[Myliferocks]

I left my 5 week old DC5 with my mum over night so I could go to a wedding evening do.
The world didn't come to an end!

[StarOfLightMcKings3]

I have never left my 6 month old for more than 2 hours and even then it was with MY mum.

She's had her children.

Tell you DH what is and isn't acceptable and let him deal with it.

[ToffeeCaramel]

Of course you don't need to leave your 5 week old baby with anyone you don't want to. You don't need to leave your 5 month old baby with anyone you don't want to either. Say no and don't engage with her any further than that. Ridiculous.

[havingastress]

Thank you everyone Does help a still somewhat hormonal/tired/physically wrecked new mum feel somewhat better to know that it's not me!!

Mytimewillcome Omg, are you sure we don't have the same MIL!? Same here. She's bought moses basket, cot, car seat, playmat, nappies (as in TEN boxes so that DD can stay as long as she likes?!) ALL for my DD, or 'her baby' as she calls her!

I have been told now 4 times I am unreasonable. Or being ridiculous. I had to put her straight a few times (I've posted before, this is the same MIL who went nuts because 2 days after giving birth, we registered her name and gave her my maiden name as a middle name, and she demanded that we went back and change it because DD was nothing to do with my family anymore!!!) and am getting more confident in confronting her.

However, she is a bully. Very pushy. DH has spent all his life just being walked over by her - he finds it easier just to say nothing/ignore. I have said he needs to step up more now get some balls and put her in her place, but he finds it hard.

She won't phone me, or the house phone in case I pick up I guess. She rings DH on his mobile.

For Christmas, I think we will go down for just one day. If she refuses to put the dogs in a different room, then we'll just ask that she does again and if not, then just leave. DH says he's got my back. At least if we go to her, we control how long we stay etc? I think if we keep insisting that they make the effort to come here she'll just sulk more and give DH more grief.

I also have no clue why she would want to have such a young baby overnight and look after her. My own mum said no way! Too much responsibility and she wouldn't be up to being up all night.

Just had my 6 week check up today - have been put on antibiotics, still suffering/sore post birth (forceps/episiotomy). The more I think about it, the more BLOODY UNREASONABLE I think she is - not ONCE has she asked how I am, or how I'm feeling.

Oh. DH isn't that close to his mum, more his Dad (who is lovely actually), and I have a fab relationship with my parents, very loving upbringing, we're very very close.

[Whocansay]

YANBU. But I think you know that already. You're not even supposed to separate puppies from their mothers before 8 weeks, so why on earth she would think its OK for a child to be separated from you at 5 weeks is beyond me.

I would screen her calls, tbh. She's been told no, and that should be an end to it. I wouldn't even go over Xmas. I agree with whoever suggested saying that your DD has an allergy to dogs. If MIL won't visit you, it can't be that important to her. You shouldn't really go for a day - a 4 hour round trip is a long time in the car for a baby. And for you I imagine!

Is she the mad MIL who insisted on buying all pink stuff too?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

havingastress, have you and your DH considered just cutting her out of your lives completely? She's not going to change, do you really want your DD to have to put up with this shit too?

And suggest to your DH that he gets another phone for everyday use. Keep the one she has the number for in a drawer. Switched off, checked weekly.

[ThreeWheelsGood]

We have a 7 week old. Parents in law are a 2.5 hour drive away and happily came to visit for the day (not overnight) at around 5 weeks. In the end because of traffic their journey took nearly 5 hours but they were still happy! We said before baby was born that we are not travelling anywhere for xmas, we didn't need the hassle. Our families completely get it. Basically what I'm saying is that your MIL is being massively unreasonable.

[DeckTheHallsWithBartimaeus]

YANBU

Even if your MIL was the best MIL in the world you do not want to. And why should a mum with a 5 week old baby be made to do something she doesn't want to do?

If you want to go a Christmas then go. If you don't then don't! Seriously, just say it doesn't work for you. Your baby is tiny there'll be plenty of time later for spending Christmas with MIL.

I would also be wary of exposing my baby to dogs a) for safety and b) because of allergies.

My MIL is seriously allergic to dogs (she's been in a coma because of them) and until I know if DS is allergic or not (he's 14 months) I won't let him go to houses with dogs. (DH and I are also allergic to animals so there's a high chance he will be).

[MordecaiMargaret]

Poor you, if she wants to just speak to your dh could you just let her and try to have the least amount of dealing with her. It's very hard to speak to someone like her when they think you're the one being unreasonable. I think she's going to find fault no matter what you do so you may as well be a bit rude, you've tried to say no a lot of times now and she's dismissed your wishes.
Can you say something like 'I've already told you why I don't want to do that and I'm getting insulted that you won't accept that, can we just leave the subject now before it creates tension between us'.
My mil was the same and tbh, I was slightly afraid of her and the way she gave out about me and everyone else but she's going to anyway. Try and accept you're not going to have a great relationship with her & leave most of it to dh, try to get him to tell her to lay off a bit.

[whitecloud]

havingastress - am so sorry you are being put through this. Hope I am not repeating anything anyone else has said because haven't read entire thread. You are quite within your rights to say calmly and firmly that you don't want to be separated from your baby. She is being totally unreasonable. As someone who is 20 years down the line with a difficult m-in-law, think it is a very good idea to put your foot flat down, early. Give in this time and she'll make her demands even more unreasonable and expect you to jump to attention and do what she wants.

If it's any comfort, men always seem to side with their mothers and want to avoid confrontation, which is horrible for you. But eventually they seem to see a bit more how unreasonable their mother is being!

Also I have never bought, "she's his mother so she should have equal rights to yours". Sure, if she behaves reasonably. If she doesn't, she hasn't earned your trust. And with two large over-indulged dogs, no way would I risk it. Looking back, I ended up travelling a lot with a very young baby and it wore me out. She should make the effort when you have just had a baby and are really tired. I guess I think some things you let go, but you pick your battles and this is one really worth fighting. The people around these types often give in to them and they get even more despotic. One day I'll have to stand up to my m-in-law over something really important. I'm not looking forward to it, but if I have to I have to.

Suggestions about the broken record repetition are a really good idea. And not buying any of her emotional blackmail. How about "I'm feeling really tired, perhaps you could come and see us in a month or two (or three or four or more!!!)

Hope all this helps.

[havingastress]

whocan yes, this is pinkgate MIL!

you know, i really don't want to go down. maybe i shouldn't and should put myself and my family first. i am actually worried that dd might be allergic too and she's just recovering from bronchiolitus.

but is it worth the absolute hoo ha that would cause??!!

[LiveItUp]

So sorry that she is causing you so much stress. This should be a magical time for you, enjoying your first DC, and getting over the physical stresses of it all - hope you're feeling better soon.

Just ignore. I really wouldn't go down at Christmas either - it will spoil your next couple of weeks just dreading the trip, you'll have a horrible and stressful day, why put yourself, your DD, and DH through that. If she really wants to play at being mum, she can come up for a visit.

Sounds like she is trying to get between you and DH too, wanting him to stay there with DD but not you. Your DH has his own family unit now - you and DD. Extended family are hugely important, but their role is to support you, not cause you stress, and certainly not to try and divide you. Crazy woman.