To still feel guilty about ruining this little girl's evening?

[DowntonNappy]

DD (4.11) was at a Christmas party yesterday. Parents were asked to step inside for the last ten minutes to watch the kids perform some carols.

When i went inside, dd jumped up from her chair in excitement to see me. I hurriedly told her to sit back down. She went to do so, but then started crying. Apparantly the child beside her had taken her chair.

I said just sit on the other one then. But dd wasn't having it. She was adamant that was the 'wrong' chair, and the child had jumped into hers while dd had ran over to me.

While dd was crying and telling the little girl that's her chair, the teacher was trying to carry on with the carols.

The other child's mum started getting angry, telling dd that was actually her child's chair and she should sit on the other one.

Dd was still insisting the little girl should move. All the while, I'm trying to calm dd down and get her to sit on the other damn chair, as she was causing a scene. I threatened to take her outside, but this didn't work either. Just as i was about to basically drag her out, the other child starts crying. Her mum goes mad, jumps out of the audience, swoops her daughter up from the chair, and storms out, shouting "Fucking ridiculous. Forget it. Just forget it."

The poor teacher was trying to carry on as normal. She quietly called after the mum, "sorry about that."

I got dd to sit on the other chair (the 'wrong' one). I sat beside her on the one that was apparantly 'stolen' from her. She was sitting on the edge of it, clearly wanting the one i was on. But i couldn't let her have it because all the other parents were looking at me and it would have looked as if I was just pandering to her.

Anyway, carols finished. And teacher gave out presents. She called out the other child's name. Her mum must have been standing just outside the door, because she came back in for the present upon hearing her child's name, saying that her daughter's birthday (had no idea it was her birthday!) had been ruined thanks to 'that spoilt brat'.

I was completely numb at this point, mortified and felt so weak. All I could focus on was keeping dd calm as i didn't want things to escalate. Everyone was muttering in the audience and tutting.

Afterwards, everyone cleared out the hall. I stayed behind to talk to dd, and explain why she was in the wrong and must come with me to apologise. Just then the teacher came over. I burst into tears. DD was so confused, asking what's wrong.

I apologise to the teacher, explaining that dd's autism just makes her very particular/stubborn about things, and asked if she could take me and dd to the parent so we could say sorry. The teacher was lovely and gave me a big hug and said not to worry. And that she'll apolgise to the mum on my behalf, instead of me going to her myself. The mum - none of the mums - know my dd has autism, but the teacher said she'd inform the mum though (with my permission) to explain to her why dd acted the way she did.

I told dd off when we got home, but it didn't register with her at all.

Wow! Sorry for the epic novel. Basically, AIBU for still feeling so guilty? I need to grow a pair, me thinks. She's probably forgotten all about it. But my friend thinks i deserve to feel this guilty. I - well DD - effectively ruined a little girl's 6th birthday, and her Christmas party all at once.

Op the mother SWORE infront of the children. How absolutely vile.

Don't you dare apologise. She should be ashamed if herself.

And who in far end of fuck is this 'friend' of yours??? Silly cow.

Teacher sounds lovely but as a TA I would have been reporting that mother for swearing and our teachers would have been speaking to her about her behaviour not you.

I have read all of your posts, but not all of the replies.

You didn't do anything wrong at all. Even before you said about DD's autism it just sounded like a pretty normal, over tired, 4 year old situation.

It doesn't matter if DD was right or wrong, it was what she believed happened and she was upset by it. They can all get a little 'precious' about the right chair/right bowl/right cup etc You were doing your best to sort DD out quietly.

The other little girl over reacted as well (in a normal 4 year old way).

The Mother over reacted in a Nucking Futz way - she could have calmed her DD down and they could have both stayed. There was no need for her to stomp out and absolutely no reason for her to have a go at you when she came back in. She was totally unreasonable.

It is irrelevant that it was the other girls birthday.

It sounds like there was more going on with the mother than this - and I'm sorry if she's really stressed by something else, but it wasn't fair of her to take it out on you.

Don't spoil whatever you had planned for your DD's birthday because of this.

I actually think the only thing you are being a bit unreasonable about is telling your DD off, she didn't really do anything wrong, she just got upset about something - which is fairly normal for a 4 year old to get upset by and even more so when they have autism.

There are going to be a lot of situations where she isn't able to just conform because of the way her brain works, you can't get cross about it. All you can do is try to help her learn to cope with it as I'm sure you do - but you have to become hardened to the stares of other people :(

Please try not to give it another thought.

OH and ditch the friend. With friends like that you don't need enemies!!

Oh goodness me, we've had this kind of thing before and I would have just asked my lo to move chair. All 4 year olds are capable of a pre-Christmas end-of-term paddy, ime.

That other mother sounds horrid.

I reckon everyone was tutting at the other mum tbh, I would have too.

Especially since she said fucking infront of all those children over something very minor. Disgraceful.

No matter who was 'in the wrong', the other mother lost the high ground when she swore and stormed out.

Don't worry about it, and don't even think about not giving your dd a birthday cake to the club.

We have all been there, the adult thing to do is to try and calm the DC down and not add to their stress by overreacting.

I would have reacted in a not dissimilar way to the other mum tbh. I have had years of various peoples precious little angels causing a complete disruption to pretty much every school/club event I've attended. For it to have happened on a birthday too would have just made it worse.

I do agree however with those who say her reaction may have been different had she known of the OPs daughter's SN, which is a very good reason to ensure parents are aware.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos - you have just in a single sentence shown that you do not have frigging clue about autism!

Velvetspoon - you would have started getting angry and arguing with a child of FOUR then sworn and flounced out over an altercation between a four year old and a 6 year old that lasted less than a minute??

Because you've had too many events ruined by children in the past. Yet it wouldn't occur to you that you'd be ruining the even for for others??

Good lord.

I think the other mum sounds like a drama queen and swearing in front of children is not behaviour that is fitting. So who is she to judge whether someone else is a spoilt brat

Why is the birthday relevant? Normal life goes on regardless of what the date on the calendar is, or are we meant to be ensuring the earth revolves around our pfbs rather than the sun on one day of the year.
I remember one mother, years ago, being furious that her child had been told off by the Head and receiving a behaviour slip "on her birthday as well. Like we should have ignored her kicking and swearing at another child.

I think you should have probably removed your child when she started to cause a scene. You could have then returned to the seats once she was calmer.

It's hard to judge when is the right time to stick it out and when to back off with autistic children, my DD wouldn't have been so polite, she'd probably have bopped the other girl out the chair and sat down.

Yes, I do have to constantly hover and manage her behaviour.

The problem is at this age it's hard to sometimes differentiate between that and NT children's behaviour, so you feel mighty judged by it, and terrible, especially as your DD doesn't really understand.

I'm working on my thick skin, trying to make it into plate armour, so that I can be strong and help DD to understand and adjust and adapt her view as much as she can to fit in at public things. I get that you are worrying about it for yonks afterwards, I always second guess whether I could have handled it better, and imagine what everyone must be saying about me, even though I know that essentially we haven't done anything wrong or terrible.

I am amazed you even have to think about this... The other girl's mum is a total tool with the mental age of about three. It's a great credit to you that you are even thinking about it.

It's trying to find a balance that is hard, personally speaking as a mother of an autistic child I understand and totally where you are coming from. I have been in the real doldrums this year after horrible comments were made on Facebook about my DS.

FWIW I don't think you should have felt any obligation to remove your DD unless it would have helped you in any way. Your DD would not have understood why. The "other people's possessions and sharing" thing is hard for autistic children to understand, they DO get it to a certain extent eventually, DS is nearly 10 now and getting quite good finally!

But please don't let this woman spoil things for you. Se made the fuss, she stormed out, if her DD was upset by anything it would be by seeing her mother (a supposed adult) losing control like that.
Don't bother explaining autism....been there, done that and these people are generally too thick to get it. Just mentally call her a silly cow and move on making a note to avoid her in future.

Good Lord Outraged... You truly are thick aren't you?

Take a look at the National Autistic Website and educate yourself a bit. Autism is not called a disability for nothing.....which is why society should make allowances. These children struggle and will struggle all their lives....mainly because people like you make the most utterly stupid comments. I have grown a thicker skin these days but now and then I am taken aback by the stupidity of others.

Apparently Freddos has a child with autism...

I have a child who has Aspergers.

Who cares whose chair it is?

4 year olds do this kind of thing all the time (without ASD)

Most parents in this situation just try and resolve it quietly for the sake of the show/rest of the audience. Swearing and flouncing from the other Mum was outrageous! If anyone ruined her dd's birthday (and of course thats a total exagerration) it was her.

Don't apologise, don't feel guilty and take in the birthday cake.

Children with HFA have to realise that the world will not always bend to them, and sometimes that are going to have to do things they don't completely 'get' because its the right thing to do and because its what society and out customs dictate we do.

Other girl was 6? did I read it was her 6th birthday? That is quite a maturity gap between them in that instance seeing as quite a few children with AS/HFA run effectively at 2 thirds of their actual age.

OP you could have taken your DD out like others have said but I wonder on that. I can see why you didnt want her to miss out and want her to join in the singing. If I had attempted to remove my DS knowing that he believed he was truly correct would have caused a breakdown of confidence, confusion and even more mayhem because he would feel miss-understood and that no one believed him. I think you did right to try and see the situation through calmly and quietly.

Whose chair it was business could well be that your DD had used that chair for practice. It may have not been directly "her chair" on the night but could have been one she has sat in before. AS children also have a tendency to "plan out" in their heads what their next position will be or where they are going next bit like an organised calming technique to ease anxiety. I am wondering perhaps that your DD had planned to sit there because that was her chair either before or "in her plans"

I also doubt getting her to say sorry to the other girl would have benefited either of them tbh. For one the other girl had a stressy mum to listen to and for another it would be the matter of making your already stressed DD say sorry for something that she really wont work out what she has done wrong! She went the wrong way about it yes but all 4yr olds are still learning social stuff and how best to handle things. In the midst of an upset is not really the appropriate time to tell her.

And as for the top quote I can see where this poster is coming from but when our children are older (like us) they will be in a position to CHOOSE whether they wish to bend or wish to avoid it altogether. A social story after the event maybe the next day may help future episodes but not on the night.

I'm a little surprised people are saying you did nothing wrong... Yes the other woman overreacted but why didn't you take your dd out straight away if she was disrupting the singing etc?