To still feel guilty about ruining this little girl's evening?

[DowntonNappy]

DD (4.11) was at a Christmas party yesterday. Parents were asked to step inside for the last ten minutes to watch the kids perform some carols.

When i went inside, dd jumped up from her chair in excitement to see me. I hurriedly told her to sit back down. She went to do so, but then started crying. Apparantly the child beside her had taken her chair.

I said just sit on the other one then. But dd wasn't having it. She was adamant that was the 'wrong' chair, and the child had jumped into hers while dd had ran over to me.

While dd was crying and telling the little girl that's her chair, the teacher was trying to carry on with the carols.

The other child's mum started getting angry, telling dd that was actually her child's chair and she should sit on the other one.

Dd was still insisting the little girl should move. All the while, I'm trying to calm dd down and get her to sit on the other damn chair, as she was causing a scene. I threatened to take her outside, but this didn't work either. Just as i was about to basically drag her out, the other child starts crying. Her mum goes mad, jumps out of the audience, swoops her daughter up from the chair, and storms out, shouting "Fucking ridiculous. Forget it. Just forget it."

The poor teacher was trying to carry on as normal. She quietly called after the mum, "sorry about that."

I got dd to sit on the other chair (the 'wrong' one). I sat beside her on the one that was apparantly 'stolen' from her. She was sitting on the edge of it, clearly wanting the one i was on. But i couldn't let her have it because all the other parents were looking at me and it would have looked as if I was just pandering to her.

Anyway, carols finished. And teacher gave out presents. She called out the other child's name. Her mum must have been standing just outside the door, because she came back in for the present upon hearing her child's name, saying that her daughter's birthday (had no idea it was her birthday!) had been ruined thanks to 'that spoilt brat'.

I was completely numb at this point, mortified and felt so weak. All I could focus on was keeping dd calm as i didn't want things to escalate. Everyone was muttering in the audience and tutting.

Afterwards, everyone cleared out the hall. I stayed behind to talk to dd, and explain why she was in the wrong and must come with me to apologise. Just then the teacher came over. I burst into tears. DD was so confused, asking what's wrong.

I apologise to the teacher, explaining that dd's autism just makes her very particular/stubborn about things, and asked if she could take me and dd to the parent so we could say sorry. The teacher was lovely and gave me a big hug and said not to worry. And that she'll apolgise to the mum on my behalf, instead of me going to her myself. The mum - none of the mums - know my dd has autism, but the teacher said she'd inform the mum though (with my permission) to explain to her why dd acted the way she did.

I told dd off when we got home, but it didn't register with her at all.

Wow! Sorry for the epic novel. Basically, AIBU for still feeling so guilty? I need to grow a pair, me thinks. She's probably forgotten all about it. But my friend thinks i deserve to feel this guilty. I - well DD - effectively ruined a little girl's 6th birthday, and her Christmas party all at once.

[lostconfusedwhatnext]

I bet the other mother is feeling terribly guilty. She lost it and I am sure she regrets it (she is not 4!). Don't worry about it.

[SantasWildeRumpus]

aw try not to feel so bad. My DS isn't school age yet but even without your DDs autism I can see that that is typical child behaviour. Sometimes they just get uppity.

Although you feel bad about your DDs behaviour know that the other mum could have helped. If your DD was distressed I would rather my DS got up and offered her the chair (regardless of whose it was in the first place) just to help her out, or at last I would try and facilitate this. Really, there was no need for the other mum to be such a cow because her attitude would have rubbed off on her DD.

and she actually swore in front of the kids?! Oh my word, how she has any kind of upper hand swearing about the behaviour of a FOUR year old I don't know!

It's ok, breathe deeply and move on :)

[ZZZenAgain]

well the other mum was worked up with reason really, you say her dd was very small, probably had not taken your dd's seat anyway, looked frightened and burst into tears. It shouldn't have been allowed to get to that point. That is when she got up and took her dd out, isn't it? So I think yes, you did ruin the day for the little girl because you did not intervene quickly and effectively to resolve the situation. You knew your dd is autistic but none of the other parents or dc did, so I think the parents will have all been thinking that your dd was badly behaved and you did not sort it out.

However it is done now and you have to clock it up to experience. Have a think about how you could have intervened faster and more effectively and sometimes when you have a group event like this planned, have a think beforehand, what situations could arise and how you might deal with them so you don't have to react on the spot.

If the little girl goes back in the new year, I would take her a little gift and try to have a word with the mother. I am sure it can be smoothed over. The teacher has already spoken to her and explained that your dd is autistic so I think she will be receptive

[upstart68]

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about or apologise for.

Hope you enjoy the nativity.

[Narked]

Why didn't you take your DD out when she was crying and making a fuss

[takataka]

Ughhh....what an awful woman. You dont have to explain your dds autism to anyone unless you want to. Who cares if that foul-mouth thinks your dd is a spoilt brat? seriously, sod-her

DD is questionably borderline. But is veeeery tall for her age. Ive had countless comments about her behaviour because people think she is 5 or 6 years older than she is. I used to want to get her a t-shirt saying 'Im only X years old'. But what other people think of you/your dd/your parenting is totally irrelevant to anything

[BitOfACyclePath]

www.cafepress.co.uk/mf/67067463/be-patient-autism_tshirt

I have a t-shirt like this for my disabled DD. Gets the point across without having to explain to people.

[milf90]

i bet the other mum is feeling exactly the same, especially if the teacher said about DD's autism. try not to feel bad

[Floggingmolly]

The woman didn't know your dd has autism.
All the posters saying "she could have told her dd it would be kind to give up her chair to make your dd happy". Really? Would anyone who didn't understand your dd's condition really be this altruistic? Do you insist your kids give up the toys they chose to play with at playgroup the second another kid demands to have a go?
Most people wouldn't.

[SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot]

Well my DS doesn't have autism, and would have probably been peeved if another child had moved to the chair he was sitting in, if in a certain mood. Kids are kids.

Your DD didn't ruin the party, the other mothers attitude did.

Don't feel guilty.

[mumofthemonsters808]

Please don't feel guilty, this incident did not spoil the little girl's birthday, the Mother spoilt it, that's if it was actually spoilt. When children are so young something as trivial as another child stealing their chair means so much, so even if your DD did not have autism she could have still acted like this (I know mine would ).Some children are easy to pacify and others simply won't give in and are only able to express their frustration by crying. I'm sure we have all been in this type of situation and felt like the whole world was watching and judging, whilst we were trying to diffuse a situation.As a bystander I would have been more angry with the foul mouth outburst in front of young, impressionable children. I even question why the teacher did not take control but in all fairness maybe she did not see what was happening. Anyway put it behind you and enjoy Christmas.

[BarceyDussell]

"All the posters saying "she could have told her dd it would be kind to give up her chair to make your dd happy". Really? Would anyone who didn't understand your dd's condition really be this altruistic?"

In this situation in the middle of a performance by other children when I could avert a scene being caused? Damn right I would. I want my children to learn that sometimes it's worth making small sacrifices so that everybody is happy.

"Do you insist your kids give up the toys they chose to play with at playgroup the second another kid demands to have a go?"

No, but how on earth is that the same?

[BarceyDussell]

And it wasn't just the little girl with the birthday who was affected.

It was a party for ALL the children, these children were performing and the other woman swore and stormed out.

Unbelievable behaviour.

[iamapushymum]

The mistake (as you know now) was not taking your child out.If the parents don't know your child is autistic, then they won't make allowances .
To be honest I think the other kid sounds a bit wet .

[LittleBairn]

Sounds like you were both as bad as each other for ruining the atmosphere.
You must have known there was no way your DD would calm down and accept the situation so why didn't you remove her?
The other mother was equally selfish to cause a scene too.

That said I'm not sure I would be too keen on the teacher insisting I apologise or explaining your DDs condition, that really is none of her business. Did the teacher insist she apologise for her behaviour towards you?

[ZZZenAgain]

the teacher offered to speak to the other mother, she didn't insist on doing it I don't think

[Proudnscaryvirginmary]

You were both being unreasonable - you should have taken your dd out.

The other mother shouldn't have overreacted, though I don't believe she said 'fucking' or even 'spoilt brat'.

I think you are exaggerating to get the AIBU response you wanted.

I think it must be very hard and very frustrating that people don't realise and therefore make allowances for the fact that your daughter has autism.

[ToffeeCaramel]

You were doing your absolute best to deal with the situation whereas the other mother spoiled her own child's birthday by going " mad, jumps out of the audience, swoops her daughter up from the chair, and storms out, shouting "Fucking ridiculous. Forget it. Just forget it." She sounds an absolute charmer!

[oldraver]

So this other mother has been stompimng about swearing and calling your child a brat IN SCHOOL and you think you are the one to apologise.

I would think the school should be adressing how this mother has acted actually

[ZZZenAgain]

not school, an out of school activity once a week

[musicmadness]

I think you were both being unreasonable, the other mum for swearing and you for not removing your DD straight away.

Playing devils advocate here, from the other mums point of view, your DD kicked off about her daughter stealing your DDs chair, she says her DD didn't do anything (lets assume she didn't for a moment and your DD was just mistaken about which chair was hers, as you admit you're not sure) while your DD is insisting her child should move. Then instead of you taking her out she continues to the point where the other little girl looks frightened and starts to cry, when she has done absolutely nothing wrong. That would piss most people off TBH.

The other mum shouldn't have sworn and it would of helped if she had just asked her DD to move, but without knowing that your DD was autistic she wasn't unreasonable to assume that she was having a temper tantrum for basically no reason. If she had heard you tell DD to sit on the other chair she may have not wanted to move hers in case it undermined you as well. I've definitely seen situations like this with young children where someone has offered to swap chairs or something and the parent has said not to as they have told them to sit on the other one.

You don't have to tell anyone about your DD's autism if you don't want to, as it isn't any of their business. But if you don't tell them you have to accept they are unlikely to make allowances for any behaviour caused by the autism, as they will assume your DD is just being a brat.

Having said that the other mum was being very unreasonable to swear in front of young children! If you honestly thought you could calm your DD down quickly then I don't think you were being unreasonable, it was just an error of judgement. If this had been going on for more than a minute or so though, I think you were unreasonable not to take her out sooner. It depends how long your DD was making a fuss about the chair before the other little girl got upset.

[RacHoHoHog]

Other mum was unreasonablefir swearing of course, but if I didn't know your daughter had sn I wouldn't have moved my child either. ( unless she had stolen the chair but the mum was sure she didn't).

You should have taken your Dd out which you have already accepted.

[Floggingmolly]

It's similar, Barcy, because op has admitted the other child probably didn't steal her dd's chair. From the other mum's perspective, some random child was causing a hoo ha because her child wouldn't get out of the chair she'd been sitting in all along.
Yes, the perspective is completely different in the light of the child's autism, but the op has chosen not to share information that might encourage people to make allowances for her child's behaviour, and expects them to make allowances anyway.

[ThePoppyAndTheIvy]

Well, most of the way through your post I was thinking "take your DD out to calm down" but then I came to the part about her autism & straightaway understood why she reacted the way she did. However, DS1 has ASD and I would definitely still have taken him outside in the same circumstances.

TBH, although the other mother was clearly in the wrong to storm out swearing in front of the children, your DD would have looked like a spoilt brat to her wouldn't she? People cannot make allowances for your DD's autism if they are not aware of it.