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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have taken my 11 year old son's key away from him?

91 replies

amck5700 · 10/12/2012 15:46

Since my eldest started High School in the summer, my youngest son has been allowed to let himself out the house for school and in again in the afternoon. I leave with eldest at 8.35 (youngest leaves for the 200 yard walk to school at 8.50) and then he is in the house from 3.20 until 3.50 when we get home. Apart from 1 lost key (lost in the house, not in the street) it has been going well. He is not allowed anyone in the house or to answer the front door.

Didn't need to pick eldest up today so came straight home, I heard voices and found that my son had his friend in - he was borrowing a book.

Anyway, I was angry (this friend is a bit of a loose cannon) and despite him knowing he is in the wrong here, he is giving the chat back. So I have taken his key from him until further notice which means he will have to leave for school earlier and wait outside until I come home.

He was also not interested in hearing why I was angry. Which was because if the boy is in my house I am responsible for him and I can't be responsible if I am not in the house. My son knows that he can invite friends round from 4pm onwards as I will be in then.

I know I am a control freak,and think I have maybe been over harsh and should maybe give him his key back.

??

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 10/12/2012 15:49

Sorry way too controlling and what is he supposed to do if its pouring with rain / sleet . I'd have a chat with him about your concerns and give it back.

SantasNaughtySack · 10/12/2012 15:51

Personally, I'd rather he had the key so he could let himself in the warm, the weather has been horrible here. Also, while I see your point about being responsible for his friend etc, if he was just popping in to borrow a book, I think I let it slide to e honest.

cantspel · 10/12/2012 15:52

way ott. A friend called in to borrow a book not save some sort of wild party or a sneaking pornfest on your family computer.

Original poster
amck5700 · 10/12/2012 15:52

Flora - that's what I tried to do earlier before I took the key but he was still stropping so I sent him to fetch the key.

I'll leave it a bit and then talk to him - don't think I handled it well but he knows how to push the buttons at the moment!

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 10/12/2012 15:52

Sounds a bit OTT to me.

CailinDana · 10/12/2012 15:52

Did you go at him all guns blazing or did you explain your worries in a sensible fashion?

DingDongKethryverilyonHigh · 10/12/2012 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
amck5700 · 10/12/2012 15:53

....also thinking that if it had been another friend I wouldn't have been so annoyed which isn't very fair either.

OP posts:
usualsocksprezzie · 10/12/2012 15:53

You were way over the top.Why do you have to pick your eldest up from school?

SecretSantaFix · 10/12/2012 15:53

How old is your younger child and why can't your older one make his own way to and from school?

Original poster
amck5700 · 10/12/2012 15:54

I didn't start all guns blazing , I said that he knew he wasn't supposed to be having people in when I wasn't here - the boy had his shoes off so think he was intending to stay awhile so not sure if the book was an excuse.

OP posts:
usualsocksprezzie · 10/12/2012 15:54

Seems to be the wrong way around to me,you give your eldest a lift to school and back but your youngest has to let himself in Confused

Original poster
amck5700 · 10/12/2012 15:56

Have to pick up the eldest as there is no school bus/public transport and it's 10 miles away - he doesn't go to the local school because of bullying issues so it's our responsibility to get him to and from school.

OP posts:
cantspel · 10/12/2012 15:57

my sons will take their shoes off if they enter someone's house even if it is just for a matter of minutes. It is altermatic as we never wear shoes in the house.

kakapo · 10/12/2012 15:57

I can understand why you're annoyed too - it is infuriating having your concerns dismissed. You said no one in the house, not 'no one in the house unless they're borrowing a book'. I would give it back and tell him last chance, he'll have to go to after school club (or whatever) if it happens again.

DystopianReality · 10/12/2012 15:58

Oh Dear. I hope you weren't cross with him in front of his friend?

I think your ds might have been put in a difficult position; even if he wasn't, it's not the end of the world to let someone in to borrow a book. It seems way OTT IMO and I would worry about how cross you would be if anything worse ever happened.

Original poster
amck5700 · 10/12/2012 15:58

eldest is borderline aspergers and he is better where he is. Younger son will hopefully get into the same school and will start after the summer - it's not ideal, my neighbours are aware he is in the house and keep an eye out for him.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 10/12/2012 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsChristmasVamos · 10/12/2012 15:59

Big over-reaction.

I'm biased, as for reasons still unknown to me, (and I'm 36 now) I was never allowed a key for my parent's house, and had to wait outside. This would range from waiting 10 minutes to several hours, depending on what my parent's decided they needed to do, as and when.

It's very controlling behaviour, and does not teach maturity or respect. It is demeaning, and nasty.

You also need to bear in mind, that it is his house as well....maybe a little chat about respecting boundaries etc regarding the friend issue, but you don't sound like the kind of control-freak, bitter, twisted parents mine were/are.

It's hard, letting them grow up. But I think having a key to your own house is a basic, not a priveledge. Xmas Smile

kakapo · 10/12/2012 15:59

And I think you're right to suspect it wasn't really about the book. At that age, if my mum had said no one in the house, I would've quickly run upstairs, got the book and handed it to them.

usualsocksprezzie · 10/12/2012 16:01

What if you got delayed on the way home and he was standing outside for ages.

Awful idea to make him wait outside.

kakapo · 10/12/2012 16:02

But she's not leaving him outside for hours... she gave him a key and he first broke the rules and then wouldn't listen (proving he would go right ahead and break them again).

It's not that the OP would never trust her DS with the key so much as he as proved he's not trustworthy!

Although there are better solutions than locking him out in the middle of winter, obviously. Is there a neighbour you can make him wait at after school for a couple of days?

CajaDeLaMemoria · 10/12/2012 16:02

Did you tell him he wasn't allowed people there whilst his friend was still in the house?

Because if that's the case (even if he couldn't hear) your DS was probably feeling embarrassed and upset, hence his response.

Wait til you have all calmed down and talk to him. I think taking his key away is an over-reaction - if he's old enough to let himself in, he should be old enough to understand why you don't want people there. Whether that's because this friend is a bad influence, or is clumsy, or just because you like to get in to an empty house and people can come round once you've settled.

Original poster
amck5700 · 10/12/2012 16:02

I was angry more about the chat back and not wanting to listen tbh Whilst I trust him not to muck about, I don't trust his friend. What if the friend had an accident in the house and I wasn't in? I am not happy to have that responsibility for someone else's child.

He's just come downstairs and said sorry, so I have too and given his key back with strict warning. We'll see........

I wasn't angry in front of the friend but did say in front of him that my son was not allowed to have people in when we are not at home.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 10/12/2012 16:03

YABU OP.

Unfortunately, we don't get to choose their friends and this is something you will have to learn to live with.

What on earth were they doing wrong?

Why can't he have a friend over when you aren't in?

And now he has to get up early and wait outside till you get home?

Blimey.