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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have taken my 11 year old son's key away from him?

91 replies

amck5700 · 10/12/2012 15:46

Since my eldest started High School in the summer, my youngest son has been allowed to let himself out the house for school and in again in the afternoon. I leave with eldest at 8.35 (youngest leaves for the 200 yard walk to school at 8.50) and then he is in the house from 3.20 until 3.50 when we get home. Apart from 1 lost key (lost in the house, not in the street) it has been going well. He is not allowed anyone in the house or to answer the front door.

Didn't need to pick eldest up today so came straight home, I heard voices and found that my son had his friend in - he was borrowing a book.

Anyway, I was angry (this friend is a bit of a loose cannon) and despite him knowing he is in the wrong here, he is giving the chat back. So I have taken his key from him until further notice which means he will have to leave for school earlier and wait outside until I come home.

He was also not interested in hearing why I was angry. Which was because if the boy is in my house I am responsible for him and I can't be responsible if I am not in the house. My son knows that he can invite friends round from 4pm onwards as I will be in then.

I know I am a control freak,and think I have maybe been over harsh and should maybe give him his key back.

OP posts:

usualsocksprezzie · 10/12/2012 16:06

I wouldn't object to him having a friend in for half an hour either.

kakapo · 10/12/2012 16:07

I don't believe that all these posters would really be so happy for their 11 year old to do something they had expressly said not to do, and then back chatted when told off

That's great about the apology OP, sounds like he just needed to calm down. Maybe he feels the rule is silly (as others seem to on here)... could you maybe tell him that if all goes well for say 6 months, then he can have a friend around?

Original poster

amck5700 · 10/12/2012 16:07

There is no where else he could go - there is no after/before school care and my neighbours that keep an eye out are very nice but they have their own kids - they would happily take him in in an emergency but I wouldn't expect them to do it every day.

He is in general a very responsible boy or I wouldn't have given him the key in the first place - i think we both pushed each others buttons today.

OP posts:

kakapo · 10/12/2012 16:10

Ah I see amck5700. I was suggesting it for a day or two because you'd taken his key away, not a long term solution. Sounds like it's all well under control now

MrsChristmasVamos · 10/12/2012 16:10

Good for you, amck.

I was always told that I wasn't to be trusted, but not why ? I honestly never gave them reason not to trust me...probably more their issues than mine to be honest.

I was petrified of my parents, and I never ever would have dared misbehave if I had been allowed a key.

There are a few more tales I could tell you, but not really relevant to this !

I can distinctly remember being about 14 and being allowed to visit a friend. I was told to be home by a certain time, which I think was about 8pm...which I was. I waited, and waited, and waited. Bearing in mind this was before mobiles, my parents eventually rocked up at 1 am...they had decided to visit my grandparents, who lived 200 miles away, and not tell me, before I had gone out that day.

As I said, probably more their issues than mine !

Original poster

amck5700 · 10/12/2012 16:11

how would people feel if their child was in someone else's house with no parent in?

....and then how would you feel if there was an accident because they were mucking about?

Anyway, I've told him why I was annoyed - I suspect he has done it before but forgot that someone else was picking up eldest today, he is annoyed because he has been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

amck5700 · 10/12/2012 16:15

Mrs CV, that's awful!!

I came from a house where the door was never locked so this is all new to me. I was angry because I care I think, rather than the fact I just like to control - I hope anyway.

kakapo - sorry, I misunderstood - to be honest sometimes we are back about 20 minutes after he gets home - some kids wait longer on a bus :)

OP posts:

OwlLady · 10/12/2012 16:17

I don't know I can see how you feel. At 11 they are not really responsible enough to have guests around on their own. I let my son have a key (also 11 but yr 6) as I am picking my youngest up but I wouldn't trust some of friends to be well behaved tbh as they are just as mature as him

OwlLady · 10/12/2012 16:18

UI meant they are not as mature as him god I really should preview

Original poster

amck5700 · 10/12/2012 16:22

Owl - we are in Scotland so actually he'd be in High School if we were in England but some of his friends are still 10.....and maturity is not always an age thing anyway - my 12 year old doesn't really like to be left in alone - even If I am only going to the post office for 10 minutes - he does stay, but he doesn't really like it.

OP posts:

MrsChristmasVamos · 10/12/2012 16:24

amck

Of course you're angry because you care...can you imagine the AIBU if it were my parents today ?

"Our DD is the eldest, we have no reason not to trust her, but feel she is better off waiting outside the house till we decide to return home, rather than give her a key..."

Was also never allowed friends round, I think my parents had lots of 'issues', but how and why you decide it's better that your child is outside in all weathers is just beyond me ! I suppose in a way I was daft too, because I was that scared of them, I wouldn't have dreamt of going to a neighbours, or to a friends to get in the warm or to wait, because the consequences of 'people' knowing how they carried on was worse than just standing outside waiting !

I think that giving kids trust is like anything, little and often, and as they get older, the chats about trust and respect being a two way thing (I hate the 'earned' thing) can happen. I would imagine you have pointed out to him the facts that things can happen, accidents can happen, and that although he may be very well-behaved, sometimes others aren't etc...and that at the heart of it, you have his best interests and safety uppermost in your mind.

You'll be OK !

OwlLady · 10/12/2012 16:25

yy, my son is still at middle school but he is a sibling carer and I think that has made him more mature and responsible. I don't think some of the parents of his friends would be happy for them to be alone in this house with him anyway, infact i dread to think 11 is still young and what you decide is okay for your own children isn't necessarily okay for somebody elses

OwlLady · 10/12/2012 16:26

well yes MrsCV, aibu for smacking my child hard round the head because they were eating their cherry crumble too noisily

and then my son threatens to ring childline if I switch off the tv/have forgotten to buy crisps/send him to his room for answering me back

OwlLady · 10/12/2012 16:27

the crumble was my own parents, not me

florenceuk · 10/12/2012 16:31

MrsCV snap - my parents used to make me wait until 5pm when they got home from work - we would wait in the garage, no food, no water - I used to save half my sandwich to eat when I got home. And we were never allowed anybody home at all or to go to a friend's place. I had a weird childhood to be honest.

PanickingIdiot · 10/12/2012 16:38

I don't understand the "what if there's an accident" argument - 1. Surely they know what to do in case of an accident, otherwise they wouldn't be allowed to be alone even in their own home, and 2. isn't it better if there's two of them if something happens and they need to call for help?

Especially if they have nowhere else to go - teach them how to behave responsibly and be glad they're not on their own!

If the other boy is a little bit dodgy then I understand the concern, but it seems to be the principle that you have a problem with, not this particular boy.

MrsChristmasVamos · 10/12/2012 16:39

It makes me feel so sad sometimes to realise what crap parents a lot of us on here seem to have had. Owl that's appalling.

I sort of know why my Mum never gave a shit about me, and unsurprisingly, I don't have anything to do with my parents because of lots of issues !

I don't think I would have minded so much if I knew when they would be home, but it was never the same time...and the longer they were gone, the greater the terror got, which is weird ! It's almost as if I felt bad that they had to get back to let me in, thus ruining their little jaunt ! You'll laugh now, when I tell you that while all this went on with me, my 2 sisters were always with my parents, so it was clearly only my saftey they were unconcerned about !

PanickingIdiot · 10/12/2012 16:41

MrsCV - I'm gobsmacked for you!

MrsChristmasVamos · 10/12/2012 16:50

Idiot

I had a strange upbringing.

Jingleallthejay · 10/12/2012 16:53

you are expecting you son to be responsible he is 11 give him a break either give him his key back (which I would do with a stern word) or get him looked after by a responsible adult I personally think at 11 they are to young to be trusted with a key to let themselves in and out to much scope for them to slip up but i do think it was just a slip up where is he supposed to go when you are not in ?

Original poster

amck5700 · 10/12/2012 16:59

I feel sad about some of the issues that people had with their parents - mine were not that interested tbh but I was always fed and watered and had a warm bed - I was youngest of 7 so I think they had run out of energy by the time I was about :o

Panicking, I think it is also the issue that the parents don't know their child is in my house unsupervised, but i see your point that it is safer with 2.

He is allowed to have friends round other times btw - it isn't a blanket ban - with having two boys close in age, I have at one point had over 20 kids squashed into the play room.

OP posts:

Asinine · 10/12/2012 17:07

I would just start again and tell ds that from now on he's not to have anyone in until you get back, if he breaks the trust again you have to come up with some other arrangement.

Original poster

amck5700 · 10/12/2012 17:18

Asinine - I agree, tbf I explained all the why's and wherefor's to him in August so it is conceivable that he has forgotten - I guess we got complacent.

OP posts:

nannyof3 · 10/12/2012 17:19

Harsh!

VivaLeBeaver · 10/12/2012 17:22

I think at 11yo kids don't always have the confidence to say no to a friend in such a situation. I know my dd while she would say no for really bad stuff like running out of school, shoplifting, etc would struggle to not let friends in the house.

I've had exactly the same thing. The rules were she had to stay in and no one allowed in while she's home alone. She broke the rules. We had a chat, she felt lonely, didn't feel she could turn her friends away, etc. they were all just watching tv when I found them. So now her friends are allowed as long as their parents know I'm not in.

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