to have taken my 11 year old son's key away from him?

[amck5700]

Since my eldest started High School in the summer, my youngest son has been allowed to let himself out the house for school and in again in the afternoon. I leave with eldest at 8.35 (youngest leaves for the 200 yard walk to school at 8.50) and then he is in the house from 3.20 until 3.50 when we get home. Apart from 1 lost key (lost in the house, not in the street) it has been going well. He is not allowed anyone in the house or to answer the front door.

Didn't need to pick eldest up today so came straight home, I heard voices and found that my son had his friend in - he was borrowing a book.

Anyway, I was angry (this friend is a bit of a loose cannon) and despite him knowing he is in the wrong here, he is giving the chat back. So I have taken his key from him until further notice which means he will have to leave for school earlier and wait outside until I come home.

He was also not interested in hearing why I was angry. Which was because if the boy is in my house I am responsible for him and I can't be responsible if I am not in the house. My son knows that he can invite friends round from 4pm onwards as I will be in then.

I know I am a control freak,and think I have maybe been over harsh and should maybe give him his key back.

??

...the 30 minutes is the maximum it's taken me so far - that includes snow and a diversion due to a burst water main - most days it's 20. However, there are kids only a few months older at high school and walking back in all weathers and for longer. We are talking about a 5'3 - 8 stone boy here, not some scrawny waif. Anyway, I am pretty sure he'll not do it again. He is generally a good boy which is why he was trusted in the first place.

Are you deliberately being obtuse natation?

If she needed shelter/warmth and the school locked her out of the building then yes of course they would be neglectful.

In whose world is it ok to treat children like this because the adults are not providing adequate warmth and shelter should the child want it?

we don't have any after school care. That sounds terrible natation - not that there is anything wrong with her being out, but you'd think that they would ensure that the kids stay on school grounds if they are responsible for them.

OP clearly you think YANBU to punish him like that and clearly you think no matter what happens you'll always be back within 30 minutes (suddenly 20 now)

So your child your rules as they say.

If you're ok with treating him like that, I don't know why you asked.

...if I let him do what he wanted then he'd never leave the house, he'd sit in playing computer games. I make him go out to the park etc and hence deny him shelter. Would I then not be neglectful if he was obese and had vitamin D deficiency?

It's not suddenly 20, I didn't want to say 20 when it could be up to 30.

I am not treating him like anything, i asked if it was unreasonable and had already said I thought it was, I gave him his key back with a warning. I was angry, he was angry. I am aware that things could happen on the way home which is why I carry my neighbours phone numbers and his and he knows that in an emergency he can go to their houses.

My OH works a mile from home - I work 3 - the round trip to the High School is just over 12

My OH is home just after half 4 so unless something happened to both of us (we travel from different directions so not on same route) then he may be at home for an hour and a quarter - that hasn't happened yet I am pretty sure by that point he'd be engrossed on some computer game and not giving a monkeys.

A day or two of having to wait might help him remember the rules in future. Whats the forecast like for tomorrow?

UniS - cold - it's not supposed to get above freezing at all tomorrow - he has his key back though so unless he loses it he can come home- I don't think he'll try it again but I'll see if I can manage another day when I don't need to collect my eldest and give him a surprise.

He knew the rules.

He deliberately broke them.

Within reason you can do what you like.

Just to explain a little. In Belgium 99% of schools have a before and after school service, care from 7.30 to 18.30. 99% of schools also have an all weather shelter, so only in very exceptional weather are the children every inside during break times and lunch times. After school, the children eat their snack between 15.30 and 16.00, after that they all go out into the playground and stay there until usually about 18.00, when the remaining children sit down and watch TV and the place closes at 18.30. They remain on the premises under the care of the supervisors, until a parent or old sibling collects. My 7 year old stays there every wednesday afternoon until I collect her. My 11 and 14 year olds go home and take themselves to their theatre classes, as do the vast majority of the theatre class, I'm not unusual in allowing my 11 (well 11 tomorrow) year old in primary to go home alone, prepare lunch, go out again to the other end of the street to theatre. If that is neglectful then the other mothers of the other children in the theatre class are neglectful too! If that is also neglectful that the school allows 100 children in after school care to play outside in the playground for 2 hours in the afternoon, whilst waiting for their parents, then it's neglectful. They come in to the toilet and back out again to play. They don't get wet when it rains, they don't get cold unless the parents dress them inappropriately. But ok obviously some people might think that is being neglectful.

it's just a different culture nanation. It wouldn't happen in the UK - well my part of it anyway as there is rarely any after school care on school premises. Or much available outside either. There is a campaign to get parents out working but the facilities just aren't there. I'm lucky that my working hours allow me to be at home after school - holidays are always an issue as we have no family and no local care - I do however has access to a great facility every summer which though expensive and not that handy is wonderful and the boys will miss it when they are too old which is almost upon us. I am hoping then to be allowed to work from home a lot so I can be on hand.

I don't think it is neglectful in the slightest either.

Just an update to the OP, I came home today to find my son's friend hanging about. He said "oh, I thought you were all out as no-one answered the door or the phone - is that cos (younger son) is in alone?" I just explained that my son isn't allowed to have friends in until I am home and he just said "okay" and came in to play.

Hopefully that'll sort it out, most of his other friends are in High School so aren't about until later anyway.

natation I think you need to learn that just because in one country/culture/ or even town, things happen one way, that that behaviour would be appropriate in another. My DCs do have after school care at their school, but that has to be paid for, and it would be seen as highly neglectful if they were just left for 2 hours in the playground. They also legally have to have a certain ratio of adults to children, and to be inspected by OFSTED I believe.

If you try to treat children as you would at home in a different culture you will be seen as neglectful eg. a Danish mother being arrested in New York for leaving her baby in a pram outside a restaurant whilst she went in for lunch.

One of the first things I learnt at University was that although it was reasonably safe for me to wander around London on my own at 17; in my Uni town it was far less safe at 18 (if only because there were far fewer other people around).

OP I would be a little concerned in your situation, but only because it seems that it is known to other children that your son is home alone. My DC know they can't have friends in when I'm not there (unless pre-agreed and its the teenagers). I used to phone ahead when DD1 used to get in by herself, just to check she was okay.

Yabvu he friend I assume is also 11 not five. Also it's freezing outside.

Pearly do you mean that as its freezing outside his friend should be allowed in? That's his parents responsibility, not mine.