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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my friend not to come to stay over xmas because she divulged confidential private info?

80 replies

gnocci · 10/12/2012 11:59

I have a friend who I used to work with and we remained close after we both went our separate ways. She is due to come and stay with us over xmas.

Anyway I found out last week that she has spilled a very very personal and damaging piece of information that I told her in the utmost confidence as I needed someone to talk to. I need to be quite vague but it is info about someone in my immediate family that would likely ruin my professional reputation (by association) and put the security of my family and children at risk. Worse than this, the person she told is in my profession!!!

I was on a night out and this person told me they knew and that she had told her. I felt sick and humiliated and asked her about it but she denied it (of course). I didnt say they had said she had told them as I wanted to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible (she was there and was the one who had invited me!!! Knowing full well this person knew! I felt sick that I had been happily socialising and she'd made a total fool of me).

I dont think I can face her. She clearly has no idea how serious this is. I dont know what to do :( I dont even know how to re-open the subject and tackle it now.

OP posts:
VoiceofUnreason · 10/12/2012 12:02

If you are 100% sure she was the one that spilled the beans, then by all means uninvite her. She broke your trust and you can have who you want to your house not just at Xmas at any time.

But be 100% sure. It would be awful to lose a friend (if she is one) like this if it later came out it wasn't her. As a rule, I would always believe a friend if they vehemently denied something unless I could prove otherwise.

greenfolder · 10/12/2012 12:03

i would write to her. say you know that it was her, that the person would have no reason to lie about her involvement and the consequences involved are too large for you to ignore.

leave ball in her court but make it clear that offer re xmas is rescinded.

i had a similar situation (but not as serious). took me ages to work out and accept that it was a really close friend doing this. she is a friend no more.

Original poster
gnocci · 10/12/2012 12:07

It was her boss she told :(

No other link and he actually said it was her who told him!

Gutted.

OP posts:
SquirtedFrankinScentsInStable · 10/12/2012 12:11

If you are absolutely sure it was her, then I would definitely uninvite her and have nothing more to do with her.
Just contact her and say that circumstances have changed for the Christmas period and she will now be unable to stay over.

Original poster
gnocci · 10/12/2012 12:14

She did deny it but I did put her on the spot so was probably a defensive reaction i guess. I think it was her. cant see why this person would say it was if it wasnt!

OP posts:
rainbow2000 · 10/12/2012 12:19

Well im assuming you didnt tell all and sundry so by that account if you only told her it must be her.I would ring and tell her you know it was here as you only told her and Christmas is no more,she is not welcome.
Luckily teh person told you and didnt spread it further.

agedknees · 10/12/2012 12:27

Do you think her boss told you she know about your situation so that you would know your friend was not a reliable person to tell confidential secrets too?

I would sit your friend down and tackle her about it. Then decide what you want to do about Christmas.

caterwauling · 10/12/2012 12:29

Do you know the person she told?

could it be that she told the him in a 'i know this person and X happened to them...' thinking that the 2 of you would never meet?

Pandemoniaa · 10/12/2012 12:31

You need to have a proper talk with her. Tell her how shocked you were to discover that this confidential information was shared and ask her to explain herself. After this conversation you can decide whether or not to withdraw the invitation to spend Christmas with you.

VoiceofUnreason · 10/12/2012 12:32

The only reason I say be 100% sure is that a few months ago one of my close friends had a serious go about me for something I had said about her. Which I knew, categorically, I had not said. I told her I absolutely had not said it but she chose to believe the other person, who she didn't know terribly well.

Imagine the scene when she came back a few weeks later (having wanted nothing to do with me since the 'incident') and said she'd discovered that the other person had merely overheard part of a conversation I'd had with someone else, put two and two together and came up with 6 not 4.

Suffice it to say, things won't ever be the same, because in her shoes, I'd have trusted me and not the person she didn't know well.

caterwauling · 10/12/2012 12:32

i mean rather han talking about you, it was just too much for her to deal with??

Northernlurker · 10/12/2012 12:39

Either she told your boss OR your boss has been snooping, found this out then said they had been told it to cover themselves? Is there any way the boss could have found it out for themselves?

NamingOfParts · 10/12/2012 12:50

I am going to go a little bit against the grain here. This secret was too big for you to keep so you told someone. The person you told has told someone.

You breached a confidence, she has breached a confidence.

For you this was a huge betrayal because you found out. How would the person you talked about feel if they knew you had talked to someone?

MistressIggi · 10/12/2012 12:53

Is there any chance she did it because she thought it was right to do it, rather than being a blabbermouth? (hard to judge as hard to guess what the secret was - but maybe you should declare it to someone if you have done nothing wrong yourself, might be better if it comes out anyway).

twinklesparkles · 10/12/2012 12:56

I'd have nothing more to do with her and tell her she isn't invited

Are you sure its her? I'd be raging .. I'd have to have it out with her

Hugs for you

Original poster
gnocci · 10/12/2012 13:16

naming it's not like that. the person knows full well my friend knows.

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 10/12/2012 13:44

I think you were partly in the wrong for trusting her with something so confidential. Having said that, she should have kept her mouth shut, and has now risked losing a friend over it. At least you and her boss know she isn't trustworthy and therefore she will lose out in the long run, she may even be passed over for promotion if it gets out she can't keep confidences.

I think you should have it out with her and explain that under the circumstances you don't wish her to come for Christmas.

EldritchCleavage · 10/12/2012 13:55

I don't think you were wrong at all. It is quite understandable to elan on a friend when there is something very big you need to talk about, and it was very wrong of her to tell a person who belongs to the exact group of people whom you want to keep it from. Then lie about it.

I think your options are: (1) have it out with her, but don't have her for Xmas whatever the outcome. You'll probably need a breathing space while you decide what to do; (2) Cancel the visit, dump her and move on without getting into it.

Original poster
gnocci · 10/12/2012 14:37

Right, she'd admitted it Sad

Told her to give me time to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
gnocci · 10/12/2012 14:38

she's

OP posts:
PowerPants · 10/12/2012 22:32

Why did she do it?

Original poster
gnocci · 10/12/2012 22:43

She said she "must have been pissed"

Groan Sad

OP posts:
gimmecakeandcandy · 10/12/2012 22:48

Being pissed is NO excuse - what a SHIT friend she is. Uninvite her and create some distance - she obviously has no respect to do this. Do you really want someone like that in your life? She is not a friend.

Hegsy · 10/12/2012 22:51

Definitely uninvite. I'd be seriously reconsidering the friendship and would never trust her again.

NoTeaForMe · 10/12/2012 22:52

Depending on what the secret was then personally I think that's the end of her coming to stay with you for christmas. It would certainly hangs the friendship for me as I could never trust her again, and again depending on what she told it could just end the friendship altogether.