to tell my friend not to come to stay over xmas because she divulged confidential private info?

[gnocci]

I have a friend who I used to work with and we remained close after we both went our separate ways. She is due to come and stay with us over xmas.

Anyway I found out last week that she has spilled a very very personal and damaging piece of information that I told her in the utmost confidence as I needed someone to talk to. I need to be quite vague but it is info about someone in my immediate family that would likely ruin my professional reputation (by association) and put the security of my family and children at risk. Worse than this, the person she told is in my profession!!!

I was on a night out and this person told me they knew and that she had told her. I felt sick and humiliated and asked her about it but she denied it (of course). I didnt say they had said she had told them as I wanted to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible (she was there and was the one who had invited me!!! Knowing full well this person knew! I felt sick that I had been happily socialising and she'd made a total fool of me).

I dont think I can face her. She clearly has no idea how serious this is. I dont know what to do :( I dont even know how to re-open the subject and tackle it now.

[NoTeaForMe]

hangs should say change!

[apostrophethesnowman]

Uninvite her, carefully, and hope she doesn't tell anyone else.

[misterwife]

Hmmmmm.

You say 'it is info about someone in my immediate family that would likely ruin my professional reputation (by association)'.

I carry a similar burden: one or two of my relatives aren't the sort of people you'd want to know at all. It's not a nice burden to carry around. But it is also not a burden which is your fault.

I do think you should uninvite this friend as she has betrayed you, plain and simple. But, without knowing your circumstances at all, I would ask: is it that likely that the revelation of this secret would ruin your professional reputation?

Even in the worst scenario I can think of that fits your story, I'd hope that your colleagues and superiors would be reasonable enough to see that you haven't done anything at all, and would act to protect you from knuckle-draggers who somehow think you have anything to do with it.

[ChristmasSpiritEndorphins]

I agree with misterwife. Un-invite the person, and try and not worry about this reflecting badly on you.

[BluelightsAndSirens]

No excuse but did share because the secret was to big for to handle and she didn't know where she stood with it from a professional point of view, hence why she told a manager?

[MammaTJ]

So, what is her boss actually going to do with this information?

If there are no repurcussions (sp?) then you can maybe forgive and forget, now she has admitted it and if she is suitably sorry.

[BluelightsAndSirens]

If a friend told me something that affected her professionally I would struggle with that secret. I would ask that friend to disclose it herself mind, but of course depending on what the secret actually is, the friend could have told a manager under a safe guarding policy?

Very tricky without knowing what was disclosed, it's the disclosure to a senior member of staff that stops it forming as gossip in my head.

[ivanapoo]

Yes I would ask why she felt the need to tell her boss, and why her boss felt the need to bring it up to you?!

That would worry me as suggests she didn't tell her boss not to mention it to anyone - assuming it was just passed on in a gossipy drunk way and not in a "i must relieve the burden" way - so who else might know/have been told?

[Birdsgottafly]

My immediate thought was that the secret was the sort that she was ethically oppossed to keeping. I have been put in that position. There are some secrets that i would never keep, for anyone and i have a big problem with hypocrisy.

Being pissed isn't a good enough reason. If i went to my next in line (who i have my supervision sessons with), as a SW, then it would be to clarify what i should do and i wouldn't divulge the person that it was about.

However, you now know the real reson, so you need to consider if the invite was given to a very close friend, which she has now proven she isn't.

If you wouldn't have given the invite to a person that you couldn't share problems with, then you have the answer.

[Birdsgottafly]

X post with Blue.

[pigletmania]

In that case I would say considering the circumstances, it would not be appropriate for her tocomeand stay at Christmas. Good grounds for you to uninvited her

[gnocci]

There was absolutely no need for her to divulge the information. None at all.

Had some grovelling texts along the lines of I am a shit friend, I understand if you never talk to me again, I have massively broken your confidence etc. She told him because it was interesting gossip I imagine. I dont really buy the I was so pissed thing personally. People always try and use that as a convenient excuse.

I really cant give anymore information but this isnt your typical employment situation of employee/boss/manager etc. I've used the words boss and profession to try and give you an idea of the relationships. There was no need whatsoever to divulge.

The way it came out to me was at a christmas party SHE'D invited me to with her work colleagues. We were talking about something and he said "oh yes x told me xyz" and my face just dropped. I couldnt believe it.

To give you some idea let's say I am a politician and my brother was being investigated for something very very serious. That sort of thing.

I am angry and very very sad.

[ivanapoo]

Hmm in that case I would definitely uninvite her and steer clear for a while. It would affect the friendship no question. How can you trust her again? You have a right to be angry - but what's done is done so for your own sake and happiness try to forget about it even if you understandably can't forgive.

[DoesntTurkeyNSproutSoupDragOn]

I would send a text back saying "I'm glad you understand why it is best you do not come over Christmas"

Completely unacceptable, even when pissed.

[gnocci]

I agree, I can't trust her again. If I cant trust her with that what can I trust her with!!!!!

[SeasonallySnowyPeasant]

YANBU but really a secret is only a secret if you don't tell anyone about it.

[gnocci]

Well I've learnt my lesson about discussing/sharing anything with anybody, that's for sure

[susanann]

I would end the friendship . Trust has gone. The friendship would never be the same again anyway.

[poozlepants]

As much as I would be tempted to flounce off after this I wouldn't do anything too rash in case she gets pissed off/and or pissed and announces your news to all and sundry. I would let her think you've forgiven her but maybe cancel Christmas with 'lets just leave things to the New Year' type thing. If she has just passed something that serious on as idle gossip she really can't be trusted. Keep your enemies close and all that.

[waltermittymistletoe]

Is there any chance that she thought there was a danger to you or your children?

What I mean is, if your relative was being investigated for sexual assault or physical assault maybe she thought someone more senior should know?

If not, then I would say she saw it as a piece of gossip and if she knew how serious the repercussions would be for you then she's not any sort of friend!

[EldritchCleavage]

What poozlepants said.

[MrsMelons]

I always think that if you tell someone something very confidential there is always a chance they will tell someone else at some point.

What I can't understand is why she would have said anything just for gossip knowing how important it was for you to keep it quiet.

One of my close friends got very drunk a while ago and ended up telling our close group of friends that one of the group (who wasn't there that night) had cancer. She had only told one person other than her immediate family as she didn't want the fuss. I didn't feel my friend had done anything that wrong as it was a huge burden for her to carry and I think it was a relief for her to share it with us.

I think that is different as she didn't tell us for the gossip factor.

I would just make sure you NEVER tell her anything again but I agree that she could use it against you if things end up bad between you.

[ClippedPhoenix]

I'm not having a go here OP but why did you tell her when you must have known that if she spilt the beans you'd be in trouble?

[PippinWoo]

I agree with poozlepants. You should be really careful if you don't want it to go any further. She may figure she's lost you as a friend so she's nothing more to lose by being the centre of attention at the next party as the person with the juicy gossip.

[saccrofolium]

YANBU. An ex friend of mine did this. She divulged something really personal and painful about a relative of mine, to a mutual friend. There was no reason whatsoever to do it, she did it because she can't keep her trap shut.
I ended the friendship and told her why. She tried to keep things going and I relaxed slightly - she called to tell me she was having another baby and we were having a nice chat. Then she dropped into conversation that another mutual friend had recently discovered her dad wasn't her dad, it was her godfather and her mum had had an affair! I have no doubt whatsoever that the friend would be mortified to know that this girl was talking about her in this way, but it was just too juicy a chunk of gossip for her to keep in. We haven't spoken since, as there can be no trust and without that well what's the point?