To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

[HandsOFFplease]

Get your and ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1. Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2. I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3. Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4. She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5. Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6. Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7. When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8. Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
   .

9. Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10. I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11. ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12. Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13. MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14. Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15. Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

Don't forget though, that parents don't have rights. It's all about the rights of the children so focus on that.

As Kung Fu said approach it from their needs and how it is damaging to them. Your own feelings (understandable as they are) don't come into it.

See that solicitor.

The more reasonable you appear- the more deranged she appears.

It doesn't seem unreasonable to demand that access must involve him being physically present. Don't know what the law says on that though.

This is the most frightening thing I have ever read on MN, the stuff of nightmares!!!

Can only echo what the others have said, get to a solicitor ASAP and get the ball rolling, get your DC seen by the GP to confirm they are fit and health, tell the school only you will collect them, and tell the passport office not to reissue passports for them.

You have to get legal help immediately, please don't leave yourself open to anything, she sounds very calculating, and although clearly psychotic, she seems to be very controlled and that in itself is very, very frightening indeed.

Good luck, keep us updated!

I'd pre-empt her and go to SS first. We've had to do something similar and they've been really helpful.

Bloody hell. It took my ten years to have a child of my own so I read the thread title and was preparing to be all outraged on the other woman's behalf. Because there is a tendency that as soon as some women hear you can't have children naturally they pull their own children away from you like you're the child snatcher.

But when I opened this and read it I was horrified. Poor OP she sounds absolutely awfully YANBU at all. This is scary shit.

As someone else said, get lawyered up. As someone who's been in that position of struggling to have a child for a long time there is no excuse for this kind of deranged behaviour. It's awful, please be assured that the majority of people going through IVF etc do not behave like this! It's not normal.

On the plus side, she obviously loves the kids and wants to play her part as step mum. It does seem too much though, like it's all mixed in with other emotional issues she has surrounding being infertile and unable to have kids. She probably sees them as her one chance to have a family.

Re wheat intollerence - get her to go to the GP and get them tested. or she can pay privately. it is a very common intollerence.

I would recommend that you do everything by the book and log in detail what happens each day/week. Just in case it turns nasty.

Other points - don't invite them to parties, don't discuss child care issues with her and make it clear that her DH will have to talk to you. Keep away from her generally but be polite.

She needs pychsiatric help & is therefore dangerous. You need to be honest with all official bodies involved with your kids and tell them so.

Write formal letters to the doctors, dentists, & the local social services department stating that she currently has NO parental responsibility and therefore it is a massive breach of their professional duties to correspond or discuss any aspect of your children's care or welfare with her. (a phone call or face to face meeting is not enough as you need a written paper evidence trail to protect your children).

I'd go mad if my son's medical details were open to scrutinity by someone like this. It's not her choice whether they attend school or not either - that's soley down to their father when they stay at his house. If they are ill HE should take them to the hospital, and take the time off work to do so! ONLY you and their father should have any say whatsoever in medical stuff.

Put a second letter into the school stating that their father, NOT her must be the collecting adult henceforth. (If dear Daddy can't be arsed to reschedule his work committments so that he can care for his OWN children that is not your problem.) This woman should never be left alone with your children. - it's not safe After her behavior at the parents evening, school wil probably both understand and be relieved that you are taking this step.

Get solicitor to help you get an order that states that dear Daddy must be present 100% of the time for contact. Contact is between Dad and the children. Cruel as it sounds, her feelings etc are not part of the equation here. If she objects a good solicitor will help you arrange so that contact with Dad is held at a supervised contact centre only in order to keep her the hell away.

So much of her behavior, such as openly criticising your parenting choices at family gatherings points towards her being frankly very unhinged. Noone does that who has the welfare of the children at heart. Kids are not possessions, they are wonderful gifts only entrusted to our care for a few short years before they fly the nest for their own independant lives.

The passport office are suprisingly easy to deal with - a quick phone call should be all it takes to ensure that side of things is sorted out.

Oh my goodness me. You have my upmost sympathies OP, this is horrific

She needs help. Keep the kids away from this woman and alert the neccessary authorities. You don't know what she's capable of so you need legal reinforcement now!!!

What on earth is your Ex even doing with this woman?! Surely he can see this is a terrible situation to be putting both your children in!

Good luck OP!

I don't know whether this is worth mentioning, or if it has been mentioned and I have missed it, but she sounds extremely calculating and with her Mummy intentions may very well be a forum user. Thus support may be better in less prominently found places to this . Just that you don't want an action plan in the hands of the 'enemy' so to speak.

Sounds horrific, my worst nightmare, next to the reality of the new girlfriend who did not want my DS around thus treated him as lesser, not allowing him a permanent bed (got a mattress on the floor) or any toys (all had to stay in the boot of his car) in their council house which they got together as she was expecting. Turned out she was also physically abusing my ex, so I quick sharp told him to sort himself out and that he could resume contact with our DS when he could ensure he wasn't at danger of being abused or seeing his dad being abused by that woman. She didn't like me at all (I fell pregnant, she thought it was my ex's, she fell pregnant and found out about it eight weeks after I told my ex, convenient timing!) after that and took to finding me in public places with her sisters and threatening to beat the hell out of me (as I pushed my newborn in the pram), and after involving the police a couple of times, I eventually managed to get rid of her, it got to the point of looking at a restraining order or whatever they are called.

My experience is: keep copies of everything, with dates and times. screenshot with the computer, use a camera with other things. Have a diary. Keep contact official through a solicitor/police if needed. Ensure that you let school, doctors, dentists know that they need to ensure it is you or their father making appointments and attending and that there is an issue there.See that solicitor asap and get going with having a residency order put in place and getting proper support with ensuring this lady does not take what you value most, your poor children.

I can't even call her names relating to being crazy, because I have plenty of mental illnesses and know many other people who do and none of them are anything as chilling as this woman is. She's scary!

Rudolph
I don't believe she loves the kids because if she did she would recognise that keeping good relations between the OP, the children's mother and primary carer and herself was in the children's best interests. I suspect she is obsessed with the idea of parenting and being a parent and it is the idea of being a parent she loves. I think she does need help.

OP - I would work through the good advice on this thread, quickly.

This is all really disturbing op. is your ex on the birth certificate?

It doesnt sound to me as if she has Munchasens by proxy, I think the illness allegations and GP visits are all part of the longer term plan to get your children by alleging you are a neglectful Mother. It sounds like she knows she cant just steam roller in...and is playing the long game, very very clever - and thats whats actually the most worrying, as she knows that by taking it slowly and plating seeds everywhere she has more chance of success. and shes right. The hints about bruises are all just part of the plan - it wont be just your ex SIL she has said this to. Expect a visit from Social Services as without a shadow of a doubt they will be informed of her concerns "Oh I really dont want to do this but...." type of call. Very calculating....whether she is mentally unbalanced or not is neither here nor there in thes sense the effect will still be the same, although it may well explain her behaviour - so get yourself to a lawyer ASAP.

I read point 1 of your post and started spitting feathers, OP! Will read the replies now and post later when my blood pressure has come down again!

Reading your post has just sent shivers down my spine, this is unbelievable and very, very concerning. I echo others seek legal advice.

I agree this is very disturbing, but I REALLY think you need legal advice before you do anything.

There is a temptation here to take multiple actions (from contacting the school, passport office, social services, Doctor etc) and I am not saying any of these are wrong, but I am very worried that you could make the situation worse and unwittingly give her more ammo to defend her behaviour rather than prevent it.

For example, it's not clear from your posts if your Ex is the one who has agreed to the removal from School (and contacted them) even if she is the one who has physically taken them.

I am concerned you could find yourself portrayed as taking action to thwart your Ex's contact/relationship with the children rather than addressing her extreamly overbearing behaviour which I do agree is unheathly and inappropriate.

So whilst it is good your ExSIL is on side and discussing the matter with her is a positive, I would be very very wary of taking any direct action without have discussed the matter with a (good) lawyer.

You need to see a solicitor TODAY. Take the time off work and forget about the glass of wine. You need to draw a firm line in the sand, limiting her contact and influence over your kids asap.

I personally wouldn't tell the ex's family too much until after I'd got a clear idea of my legal rights to restrict this woman's access. If she hears from your ex that you are intending to limit contact before you have your ducks in a row - she's guaranteed to make up some awful lies to social services. (The silly cow is too deranged to see that an experienced social worker would clock her for a nutter and put the kids in foster care before allowing her unfettered rights over the children. At best she might be allowed supervised contact WITH the ex after extensive therapy).

In your shoes I'd get in there first with a brief phone call to explain your side of the situation. I'd also ask for a copy of my children's medical records (so you can see for yourself if she's ordered any tests for the wheat allergy).

If that means you have to give up work for a while in order to do school pick ups and drop offs yourself then sadly you'll have to make that sacrifice. (On benefits you may be entitled to legal aid). Jobs come and go, our kids don't so in your shoes that'd be my choice for the immediate future. No overnight stays at Daddies, or visits on days when he is working either. If he doesn't come home till 5 pm them drop them off at 5 pm and pick them up at 7pm.

You are NOT friends, she wants to steal your children. It's probably the ONLY reason she's with your ex. She's NOT his friend either, he's just too stupid to see it for himself, or he'd have put a stop to her behavior long ago.

Just read back through the thread, and her behavior is escalating in line with her own desperation about her own unresolved fertility issues. This going to get really nasty shortly unless you take firm action fast.

This is scary. How can her emotional state be good for the dcs. She clearly has some sort of problem.

It sounds like she has convinced herself that these are her kids and who knows what she might do if the dcs are 'taken away' from her.

Tread carefully OP. If it was me i would have to stop myself going down to the school today picking them up.

Bloody fruitloop. Stupid lunatic bitch giving step mums a bad name

Had this happen to me too, to a lesser extent though.
Certain members of my family started trying to take possession of my DD (aged 5). I thought they had changed their ways and were being nice until my sister told me they were taking DD on holiday, that I was to make her ready for their departure at 10.30 sharp and come collect her from their house (250 miles away) Sunday at 2, that I was not invited and if I did not comply they would never offer to "help" me again (sister has had lots of IVF too btw).

I declined of course, she wont be alone in their presence again!

I am just so by this and have nothing really more to add to the excellent advice on here (esp from the always-brilliant Kungfupannda).

I do think, though, that the time for being reasonable is at an end. She is sneaky, duplicitous and manipulative so you will have to be a little bit the same - do not let her or x know you are doing anything until you have got solicitors sorted, passports under only your control and school, docs, dentist, ss on your side. If she gets wind of the fact you are gearing up to make a move, she will also go on the offensive and goodness only knows what that will mean. Some one unhinged enough to tattoo your children's names on her chest is capable of anything! Make sure you have everything tied up and water tight then WHAM hit her with it. She can go and play mummy with some one else's children (god help them).

Thank goodness that your x-ILs are on side - as someone upthread said, it speaks volumes. Hope you have got an appt with a solcitor - you need to get this moving asap.

Good luck and we will all be thinking of you!

God, this is like some sick horror book. I hope you are phoning a solicitor NOW, OP?

I'd maybe speak to SS as well as a solicitor. My fruit loop neighbour subtly threatened me with SS, another neighbour confirmed she had mentioned it to her. I was so worried so phoned SS and the police to discuss my fears. Seems SS were more interested in my thoughts on her and they obviously were keeping an eye on her and had their own concerns. She had been making a name for herself with her unreasonable behaviour. good Luck OP, this is seriously worrying for you.

OP I feel so sorry for you. YADNBU.

As a mother and stepmum, I find her behaviour very very weird and just not "normal" as well as obviously being pretty disgraceful. She is effectively spoiling those precious years of your children being children, and playing the role of "mummy" when you're NOT mum and never will be is wrong on so many levels.

There is including your stepchildren in your family unit and then there's the "not normal" situation where a SM gets tattoos of their SC's names, captions FB photos "mummy's little man" on her profile, goes to parents evenings etc...

I have been to sd's nativity plays with my partner, we've gone on family holidays, I've taken her to school/picked her up when nobody else was available. Heck I've even bathed her, but a tattoo of her name? Just.... No.

OP, the time has come to act - IMMEDIATELY. I know it's hard but break through being all British and not wanting to rock the boat, upset people, etc., and take control. She is relying on that British reserve to not say anything when she does stuff like go to parents evening, etc. Get on the front foot: contact a solicitor, contact your HV to talk to her about everything you've discussed with us, hell, even contact SS yourself about concerns that someone this unhinged is having so much contact with your DC.

Luckily for you, the way she has gone about all this will not actually make it hard to prove she must have no contact with your Dc and for professionals to see her crazed machinations for what they really are. These are the factors you should concentrate in proving her dangerous:

1. The tattoo. This is out and out insane. You just don't do stuff like that. It makes her look really unbalanced and overly possessive of someone else's children (because she is). If you have to go to court, etc., judges are notoriously stuff and generally take a dim view of tattooes in general, never mind something crazy like this.

2. Parents evening and taking the kids out of school, etc. She has behaved bizarrely and badly and in a totally overstepping the mark way with that particular teacher and the school in general. That teacher will no doubt be more than happy to recount how weird and aggressive she was about another woman's children she's trying to pretend to the world are hers. Also, the school is not going to look good having played along with her and will want to make sure outside parties know all the blame is with her being nutty.

3. Medical appointments and the wheat allergy shit: I would not be surprised if she has passed herself off as the children's mother. The GP's surgery and Dentist's surgery could get in trouble for letting her take them for appointments that the residential parent, ie you, has no knowledge of nor given permission for, and again, will be keen to not be in trouble or viewed dimly and so state that she lied and bullshitted, etc.

You also need to get access to their medical records to see exactly what was said and done at these appointments: she could have Munchausen's By Proxy and be taking them because she has deluded herself thT there are things wrong with her, or she could be taking them as a calculated step to try to plant seeds of doubt about your parenting via official records, ie, saying she's worried about their teeth because you feed them crap, for example, lying that she thinks you've hurt them to the Dr, say, the obsession with the wheat allergy, and so on. Or it could be a combo of both those things. Whatever - you need to turn her scheming against her and use it to prove that she is obsessive, deluded, deceitful, untrustworthy, oversteps the mark in grand fashion and above all, that doing all this stuff is actually psychologically (and perhaps physically, if she's got them unwanted treatment via lying) abusive.

3. SIL and others: thank god for SIL! Fruitloop is very obviously mentally ill and others have clearly seen and experienced her ways. Get these people on board; they will want some sort of 'justice' or closure for the hurt she will have caused them. Get it documented officially that she has been lying to people about bruises and the like. Make sure it's made officially recognised that people who know her can clearly see she is working on a game plan and aren't fooled for a minute.

A word of warning: do this before they get married. When she is his wife, outside agencies will get that word 'wife' stuck in their head and, because some aspects of her behaviour border on the just-about-acceptable for someone who is legally their stepmother, that could unconsciously cloud their judgement when viewing all this shit she did when she was just your Ex's girlfriend (ie viewing her past actions through a 'wife' filter, when she wasn't the wife at the time). It's a nuance, but it's a critical one.

BTW, Your Ex sounds an ineffectual arsehole who is just making things loads worse by being lazy and choosing an easy life for himself over the needs of his children AND, in fact, his partner, who quite obviously needs immediate and intense mental health treatment.

Good luck! This is so chilling that think that people couldn't handle this if it was a film or book. She needs help, but more i portantly, your Dc need to get away from her. Presenting herself as their other mother or even as the more important and 'real' mother is down and out abusive. I reckon your Dc will need counselling to make sense of this all, it is beyond fucked-up, wow.

A solicitor cannot legally enforce anything!

You will have to go via family courts.... And your exdp will need to take it there.

Be warned tho.... There isn't a great deal there in your op that the courts would take notice of!

My advice would be diary, speak to exdp and if it gets to court, insist on a CAFCASS report