To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

[HandsOFFplease]

Get your and ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1. Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2. I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3. Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4. She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5. Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6. Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7. When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8. Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
   .

9. Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10. I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11. ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12. Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13. MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14. Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15. Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

I was all ready to say yabu until I read your post. Yadnbu, and I say that as both a mother and step mum. Lots of good advise on here already. The only other thing I can think of is have you had a chat with your hv? Might be a good idea to let her know whats going on, she can then make a note of it which might help you if she goes even more mental later on.

Awful, I hope you and SIL are talking to a lawyer very quickly. And hide their birth certificates as well as their passports (although presumably their dad could apply for new birth certificates).

oh she will be onto SS for sure.

That tattoo thing is really creepy. You probably need to tell the school not to let her make decisions about the DC or pick them up from school - ExDP needs to be there at pick up and speak to them about appointments etc. She also shouldn't be at parent's evenings imo as she isn't a parent. Letting her go to those kinds of things will fuel her belief that she is.
Don't be afraid to cut off contact - no judge would rule that she gets custody of children. She is not related to them and she doesn't get a say in how they're raised. They have two parents, and she is not one of them.
I wouldn't let her have them on her own as far as you can control it. Speak to the school, don't let her pick them up, make sure ExDP is always around them. Imo that should be a general rule anyway - always felt uncomfortable around my stepmother when my dad wasn't there.

She's building a case for social services.

She sounds unhinged. Good luck. See a solicitor ASAP and start keeping records. Did you ever find out what she saw the doctor for with your kids as it'll be on their medical records?

Though OTT having a tattoo isn't illegal or threatening to OP's kids.

The scary thing about the OP is that there isn't much that in itself is "wrong". It is all totally wrong when you see it down as a list but I imagine if confronted she's just say innocently that she's only trying to help, or whatever.

Good luck.

I think that when you address these issues with a people like your MIL and ex DP, you might get best results by using language that puts concern for the children at the heart of the issue, rather than the fact that you (rightly!) feel she is severely encroaching on your role as a mother. Talk about the fact that she seems an emotionally upsetting and unstable influence, they could be feeling forced to divide loyalties, you're worried that she's piling too much emotional pressure on them etc.

Good luck, it does sound like a very worrying situation for all concerned.

Can I just suggest that you get legal advice first, possibly starting to put things in place for a restraining order, BEFORE you say anything to your ex. If she finds out you are planning on stopping her contact, it might push her in to doing something really stupid if she is as unstable as your posts suggest.

I second others posts in making sure you have the children's passports, birth certificates etc under lock & key. Having their names tattooed on her chest would probably convince any sceptics that they were 'hers' if she did try to abduct them.

Hopefully it is just MN hysteria building things up from pushy & annoying fruit loop to dangerous nut job, but no reason not to be careful. Good luck!

YANBU, and I say that as a stepmom with no kids of my own (yet).

I take a lot of responsibility for my stepdaughter's well-being, but all that involves is a lot of discussion with my DH if I see something that I think ought to be addressed. And that discussion normally goes something like, "You really need to call your exW and see if she has observed the same thing in her house, because if you and I are indeed both worried, there may actually be a problem here."

I've also taken DSD on a trip abroad to visit my family, but none of that was co-ordinated without speaking to exW first about it. When DH and I wanted to take DSD with us abroad again during the Christmas holidays, we approached exW first before breathing a word to DSD, lest the answer was "no" (and it was indeed no).

It is not unreasonable to refuse your kids being pulled out of school for two weeks, regardless of the occasion.

It is not unreasonable to worry about this woman discussing whether your exDP could win full custody, especially if your ex-ILs alerted you to that conversation. My ILs would throw a party with champagne if DH got full custody of DSD - they are constantly complaining that they never see the kid. Your ILs must really not like this woman if they are bothering to give you a heads up.

I think having a good lawyer ready to go would be sensible. Can you get your exDP to meet with you privately, so you can discuss your concerns with him alone?

Re the passports - get in touch with the passport office and let them know NOT to issue any more. At the moment your ex could simply tell passport office theirs are lost or stolen and get replacements. You need to make sure that doesn't happen.

How often do the kids go to their Father's? I'd be inclined to make sure you have a casual witness each time you send them off.

That is some scary shit and I would get advice ASAP!

Horrifying behaviour from her! Don't accept any gifts from her that you either ingest or put on your skin [melodramatic but anyway] and follow everyone else's advice to see a solicitor.

However - re. tracking down people who have been in a similar situation to you - no. I wouldn't do this, it could suggest a "witch hunt" which might actually work against you, bizarrely - but ask the solicitor what they think about it.

Whatever you do, do it quickly and do be careful - she does sound dangerous.

Nightmare, especially when they are so young and easily influenced. I'm going to be getting involved in my partner's daughter's life soon and don't have kids of my own and I would never dream of behaving like that. It must be so frustrating.

Solicitor. TODAY. Don't spend your next fag break doing anything other than looking up local family law firms. Please.

Reading your OP put the fear of God into me.

GOOD plan, thank fuck for SIL, get MIL onboard tell her shes more than welcome to see the DC, why would you stop her, you sound very fair and nice.

New DP sounds horrendous.

Oh my god! Do what kungfoopanda said. Today.
Good that you've got SIL on side.
Is it possible she sought out a man who had small children? She was attracted to the fact he had children, rather than being attracted to him? Could she be bullying your exh?
Good luck.

I have read this whole thread holding my breathe.... Iam now Light-headed!!!!
Jesus OP!

I would suggest that you take your dc to the GP regarding the 'wheat allergy'. That way you can find out for sure if he has one and get a note made on his record that he is fit and healthy ie you are looking after him well and the gp has no worries about him.

If 'd'sm contacts ss, one of the first things that they will do is to ring your hv and gp to find out if they have any concerns about your parenting. It would be very helpful to you and your dc have been seen recently and everything regarding their healthcare is up to date ie immunisations and developmental checks, any medical problems receiving treatment etc. What I'm saying is that these professionals are your friends and will be able to support your claim that you are looking after your children well and any allegations are unfounded.

I'd also see a solicitor asap before you start to make any changes in her relationship with them because I suspect that she'll go on the attack when you do.

Would suggest that you take some leave from work, if you need to, so as to sort all this out quickly.

Wrt the gp - you can get a code set up so appointments can only be made if you know it and the medical records can't be read, even by the medical staff. A friend of mine has this set up at my surgery.

Be Careful, she sounds like she is about to chuck you under a bus or something. She seems to have plans for the future which do not involve you being a mother to the children.

Re. passports, if you have them, could you take them to a solicitors to keep for you, and get them to write to the passport office confirming they are not lost and should not be re-issued. She is planning something, take no chances!

TBH I would consider not allowing any more contact between her and your kids. I feel really, really sorry for her but she just doesn't sound right.

The fact that you are getting support from your dp's family speaks volumes, and will certainly count in your favour. No advice to give you, but just wanted to let you know that this thread all I have been thinking of today, and hope that everything gets sorted out for you as soon as possible.