To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

[HandsOFFplease]

Get your and ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1. Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.
   
   
2. I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.
   
   
3. Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.
   
   
4. She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.
   
   
5. Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.
   
   
6. Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.
   
   
7. When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.
   
   
8. Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
   .
   
9. Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.
   
   
10. I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.
    
    
11. ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.
    
    
12. Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.
    
    
13. MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!
    
    
14. Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.
    
    
15. Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.
    
    This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.
    
    I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.
    
    AIBU?

[Thumbwitch]

Roadrunner - I think you missed a few of the more unhinged aspects of the OP's situation - the tattoos, the discussion of how to gain custody of the DC, those things. I doubt you did that, did you?

[Tryharder]

I know someone who ran off with another women's DH, colluded with the husband to gain custody of her DCs with them and then does her best to ensure that they hardly ever visit their mum. She's open about it. She's an insanely jealous person who cannot bear the thought that her DP had children with someone else. She's no longer my friend because I could not stomach her behaviour. Women like this exist, unfortunately.

[digerd]

Indeed - I have been thinking of Ops children and possible IVF baby arriving, the whole situation is unacceptable. What a nerve that woman has, and her ex, the dad, is condoning her actions, or just spun into her web! ? I fear for the Dcs if she does have a baby of her own, as she sounds insane and totally controlling. And horrified to hear of other stories .

[RoadrunnerMeepMeep]

Actually, me and dh have had discussions over trying to get residence of dsd, because of mother being unable to look after her properly. Older 2 dsd have moved in with us through their own choice but dsd3 is too little to make the choice and mother will not let her come live with us (even though her 2 sisters are with us).

And maybe I misread but I thought op said that the girlfriend was going to tell ss of suspicious bruising on her dc (and this has been heard through someone else) Op has not said that she
has noticed bruising on the kids that the girlfriend has caused, other people have said that she may try to harm the kids, then try to blame op for it. Which of course is wrong but still hearsay at the moment isn't it?

I'm not sticking up for the woman (she could be as crazy as a soup sandwich for all I know) was just trying to point out that things come across worse when you only have one side of the story. (and I wasn't saying that op is lazy parent either, I'm sure she's a brilliant mother) Also the tattoo thing, not something I would do but say I did want my own dd's name tattooed on me. I would think my dsd's would feel a bit put out if I only got her name and not the others. I don't personally see it as proof that she's mentally ill? For example, my mil has been like a mum to me and if I wanted a tattoo of her name (I don't want this by the way, just an example) don't think it would make me mentally ill just cos she's not a blood relative?

Sorry was not trying to be 'different' or anything, some of the responses seemed to be getting a bit hysterical against this woman, and I know what it's like to be made out to be an awful step parent when you're not. I agree the woman sounds as if she does have issues.

[BattlingFanjos]

I understand your points Roadrunner but this post just makes my blood run cold. The "mummy time" comment, which imo is bang out of order, was written after 2 weeks of them being together plus the tattoo thing, I would be pissed off about it in relation to everything else. This is a woman who has made it clear she wants the OP's children for herself, it's just another thing. I think you would be right in your post if these things happened in isolation but all of them together paint the picture of someone not very mentally stable. OP hope you're ok! Xx

[lunar1]

Hope you are ok handsoff

[MrsFlibble]

I would go and see a solictor about having such an unstable woman around your kids.

[mummytowillow]

She is an absolute nutcase!

I've been a step mum and I was never like that, I loved them, cared for them but didn't do anything like that!

Get yourself to a solicitor pronto, the phoning the school and cutting your DC hair would make me flip!

[droves]

Another step mum here . I agree the ex's new partner is trouble .

A good step parent should support and help the children , in accordance with the both parents wishes. They should be a backup for the actual parents . If the parent cannot fulfill the parenting role , then , and only with the agreement of both parents ,should they take on the full parenting responsibilities . Never ever should a step parent assume role of biological parent , but instead wait until requested to do so by both the mother and the father . Going to parents evening and speaking over the OP was horrifically nutty and overbearing. Taking children to dentist and doctors without the mothers consent is down right bizarre .

Op get yourself to a lawyer , before this bitch pulls another stunt ( she sounds like she's upping the ante every time she does this ) .

[MrsFlibble]

I think the new partner needs to be assessed by mental health people, because this behaviour is not normal, my sister is a step mum, although she adores her stepson, she would never take over the role from his mum, even though his mum is a PITA.

[CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

Get legal advice. and move to Bulgaria

[MagicHouse]

My solicitor always says that if at any time, I become unhappy with the contact arrangements to go back to look at it again and propose changes. So your current arrangements are not set in stone. I would think carefully about what YOU want, and why (ie how it will benefit your children) and write it all down. Keep it very concise, but include situations such as her crying/ causing your children upset on the pick-up. Explain to your solicitor (agree you should get one, fast!) that you think your ex is a good dad (if you do think that) and that you want HIM to have contact, but that her influence is concerning. (I would show him/her your post, printed out.) Ask your solicitor to arrange mediation ASAP. (This will show that you are open minded and keen for your ex to maintain contact)

I think the best contact arrangements would be those (suggested by PPs above) where your ex picks up when he finishes work. Be cool with her. Suggest she seems stressed and it is affecting your children. If she asks about what you're doing, tell her you will deal with your ex in future about all contact arrangements. Refuse to get into any sort of discussion/ argument. Use the broken record technique - calmly repeat that contact arrangements concern you and your ex and you're speaking to him. Ignore her if she gets agitated. She will be doing herself no favours, and by entering into any row, you will be adding to any upset your children are feeling.

Similarly calmly tell your ex that she does not have parental responsibility and that you will be proposing contact that enables HIM to have as much time with the children as possible. (Change to weekends as someone else suggested, so that he is there.) Tell him that you will not agree to her picking up anymore as she does not put the children first and you will no longer allow her to upset or confuse them. Stay as cool and calm as you can.

Say that you want mediation now, as you strongly believe you AND HE need to sort this situation out for the sake of your children, and that current arrangements are not working. (Try to keep your emotion out of it, and only refer to wanting what's best for the children. Don't get into any criticism of her, apart from mentioning that she she is over anxious and upsetting and confusing your children. Just repeat this concerns you and him and your contact with your children that enables them to see both of YOU.)

Keep calm. You are their mother. No-one can replace you as far as your children are concerned, much as she would like that.

[Bogeyface]

Magic has got it right.

And never forget that contact/access isnt about what the parents "rights" are, its about what is best for the children. If the current arrangements arent good for the DC then you would be doing them a disservice by not changing them.

Forget her and her wants, forget him and his rights, focus on the kids and what is best for them. Stick to that and you wont go wrong.

[Lia87]

Agree with the general theme here, be very careful to stay calm too, as it sounds like you've done so far somehow!.
Remember however tempting it is to argue it will do you no favors, and it will give her the satisfaction of knowing she's getting to you.

Is it worth suggesting one overnight after school during the week where school is made aware only dad can pick up, then every other weekend?
This is a very reasonable arrangement, and should limit fruitloops alone time with the children for the meantime, without risking you looking as if you're trying to stop them seeing ex p.

Then if anything escalates you can show you've tried a different schedule and this didn't work either.

best wishes

[Thumbwitch]

Another thought crossed my mind - could this behaviour actually be backed by your ex? What I mean is, do you think that perhaps he is behind the ideas, and she's just the face of his plans? So that he can blame her if it all goes wrong, iyswim.
Only you could have any idea whether or not he could be that devious - and even then you might think he couldn't and wouldn't but it could still be him at the root of it.

My point in mentioning it is that making any suggestion to him that his GF is OTT might not go down well. But as others have all said, you need to make it about what is right for the children and no one else.

[AltinkumATEalltheTurkey]

Been thinking how you are handsoff

[MyKidsNotYours]

OP, I was in the same position as you some time ago. In our case, the stepmother did have a baby eventually, after a lot of IVF. The new baby has only made things worse. Now, both she and my exH are obsessed with "having the whole family together" (not including me of course). She constantly tells my DC that they would be better off living with her and their dad because (1) I work full time (which I have to do because when we divorced he pulled every trick in the book to say he couldn't pay spousal maintenance so I had to return to work after years as a SAHM); (2) she doesn't work so could look after them better (like your exH's wife, this one gave up work as soon as she met exH despite not actually having the baby till years later); (3) she and exH (so, exH then) would pay for the DC to go to "lovely private schools" if the DCs went to live with them (but if they stay with me they have to stay at state schools because I can't afford private and their dad will only pay for education if it suits him, e.g. if it means he "gets" the DCs); (4) they are not allowed to say their half-sibling is their "half-sibling", neither am I - we must all behave as if they are full siblings and because they are (they're not!), my DCs should be under the same roof as the new child to form a proper bond.

My exH and his wife chose to go and live 80 miles away from us. They could live nearer but choose not to. I am expected to ferry the DCs to theirs most weekends and when I suggest they would prefer more time at home with me (they would), their stepmother tells them their father will take me to court! FFS! I thought when she had her own baby she'd back off but it's just made it all a lot worse.

[HoneyMurcott]

Total fucking nutter. Let us know how you get on.

[mrslaughan]

I am sorry - but you need to get legal advice asap - focus on facts and the reasons why these have created grave concerns. Know what you want to achieve. e.g. that they don't have unsupervised time with her. Be prepared that you exDP will not be happy about that and unfortunately your PIL may fall in behind them. I would also be very careful of exSIL.....its quite startling how alliances change when. push comes to shove. You have to think, no more Mr nice guy, no more happy families, until acceptable boundaries have been established and are abided by. Your ex sounds spineless by the way - he is just following the route of less resistance.

Kungfoo's advice is very good.
She has a plan, and she is laying the groundwork. She wants full custody and the accusations of abuse are all part of it, you know she has said this to SIL - but who else has she said it too? - the DR's.......

You should also give your DR's and Dentists a bollocking - allowing someone without parental responsibility, unbelievable.

I also think she would be a flight risk, with or without you exDP, she wants your children, if she feels they are slipping away, she may do something really crazy. Who has the passports?

[jessjessjess]

Am appalled at those analysing individual things and saying they're okay -it's like with stalking, you have to look at the overall picture.

A few thoughts (will try avoid repeating existing good advice)

• Can you use that Sarah's Law thing to check whether she has a record of any kind?
  
• Is there any way you could change to supervised contact only eg at a ex PILs and enforce this through a solicitor?
  
• Insist any correspondence between you, ex and her is in writing.
  

If it was me I would seriously consider hiring a PI to look into her background.

[sparkina]

YANBU for calling her a headcase!!

[HopAndSkip]

I hope things are ok HandsOff

[PolkadotCircus]

God you poor thing.

I had IVF,it does addle your brain but in no way to this extent.She must have had mh issues before. Infertility doesn't cause lunacy,it may make you low but sorry this kind of behaviour is beyond that.

Did she have issues pre fertility problems,it would be worth finding out?

Ditto to what everybody else has said particularly re the passports.

[lunar1]

Just wondering how you are getting on handsoff?

[NotAChocolateRaisin]

IMMEDIATELY start collating evidence on this. It is one thing to say it but you need to get some concrete evidence for solicitors etc. get screen prints of FB page, notes (on headed paper) from the doctors and school records. Anything like this crops is, find a way to document it. If this becomes a court case, you'll need all these things.

Make sure PIL, friends of the family etc understand the situation and support you on this.

Seek legal advice.

I'm so sorry you are suffering this, it sounds god awful.

The only immediate solution I can think of is to move out of her range but this obviously isn't appropriate for a thousand reasons