To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

[HandsOFFplease]

Get your and ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1. Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2. I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3. Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4. She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5. Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6. Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7. When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8. Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
   .

9. Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10. I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11. ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12. Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13. MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14. Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15. Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

She may be bullying your ex or she may be making herself the best fucking girlfriend ever by giving your ex everything he wants for the small price of uncontrolled access to your children.

I think your ex is a big part of the problem and for the time being you should regard him as as much of 'the enemy' as she is. I say this because, from what you've said, your ex is less than enthusiastic when it comes to the hard work of parenting. He only has the kids during the week, so only has to bother with them for a couple of hours in the evening and it doesn't eat into any of his 'me time' at the weekend. Plus he has a live in nanny in the shape of his girlfriend, who is more than willing to do all the hard work associated with the day to day looking after of kids. I also think, as other posters have mentioned, that her attraction to him is far more to do with your children than any of his winsome attributes and I reckon he knows this too, even if only on a subconscious level. He knows that if he challenges her then the fun times are over.

He hasn't abandoned his children, but he is sacrificing them to her for the gift of an easy life - don't expect him to give that up, he sounds like a bit of a selfish tool. You say that the split was amicable and I can totally understand why you would not want to rock that boat but you seem to be letting him off lightly. Your ex is not being a good father, he is exposing your children to a psychological and emotional abuse. Once you've got legal stuff in place and gathered evidence, you need to start riding his ass. The more 'work' he has to do regarding the relationship between you and the children, the less of a cushy deal it will seem for him to let his gf have her way.

You've got till they get married until she 'launches the missiles' - get tough and get going OP.

omg, another one reading this in absolute HORROR.

I agree wrt to the 'long game'. Another poster mentioned that by taking the children to the doctor with a 'bruise' she could be laying groundwork. My own x's mother encouraged him to go down this route.

Good points from PP raise concerns before they get married as her behaviour SO much more inappropriate because she is 'only' his gf. In fact it is scary that a lot of this behaviour would be perceived to be acceptable if she were their stepmother.

I agree with kungfupanda about talking to your PILs and saying that they will always be involved in their gc's lives, it's her trying to re-write history and write you out of your own life that you must address.

'I don't know whether this is worth mentioning, or if it has been mentioned and I have missed it, but she sounds extremely calculating and with her Mummy intentions may very well be a forum user. Thus support may be better in less prominently found places to this . Just that you don't want an action plan in the hands of the 'enemy' so to speak.'

This occured to me, too.

Print the thread and follow Kungfu's advice. Then ask MN to remove this thread.

Go to a solicitor asap - take time off work asap.

Another one shocked at this.
Listen to Kungfu, she talks sense!

i think you can save a thread on your computer. never done it myself. but heard of somebody doing it before deleting a thread.

Truly chilling - hand that rocks the cradle style.

Best of luck to you, mental illness or not she is a danger to you and your family. Act now.

AIBU is quite a known topic, but rather than deleting it might be worth asking MNHQ to get it moved to OTBT.

What do you all expect a solicitor to do I wonder?

Keep a record of ANY mark or accident you children get, document time place and what occurred note who else was there to witness te accident, keep any accident slips from school or nursery. Before they go on contact check them over, even take photos if necessary ad again check them over as soon as you receive them back. Ask nursery especially to check the little one over after being dropped off by this woman, I wouldn't put it past her to actually harm the children and pass it off as your doing.

I know she said she had ivf & that she can't have children but is it true? I find it hard to believe a decent clinic would treat her after knowing her partner all of 5 minutes. Wtf is your ex doing?! Did he seriously want her to have his baby? The whole thing stinks. I'd be getting action now,please don't just get into silly plans about discrediting her,do it properly,legally & fast.

Witchety

Give the OP some advice on what options she has?
e.g.
is it possible to get an order that exDH has to be present during contact visits?
an order that passports can't be applied for or that the children can't be taken out of the country perhaps?

What would you suggest?

I feel sickened after reading that OP. What a nightmare.

She'll be convincing your exP that you are abusive, that the kids need to live with him. She'll be questioning your DCs when they're at their home over whether you smack them, shout at them. She may be keeping a diary. She'll be examining them for bruises. Do you know why she took your DCs to the doctor? You really need to find that out.

Be careful, OP.

I very much doubt she is mentally ill and saying she is will make you look a bit nasty.

What she is, is an extreamly manipulative woman who is trying to engineer a situation where she thinks your ex would be able to gain residency then exclude you.

Going to the doctors to gain medical advice because the parent won't and the bruses thing are not Munchausen's syndrome they are very clear attempts to gain a chain of evidence of your unsuitable parenting, so your ex can use this evidence.

Your ds does not like her.you have had some very good advice I surgest you take it ASAP or you will lose your children because the crap she's pulling actually works if you let it slide or your as near perfect as mary poppins thats why loads of manipulative people do it.

I would also avoid the ss route initially because sw do not just come out to check you are doing ok because you want them to,but expect to get a visit as a result of a allergation in the future, and when they come have your own chain of evidence including the steps you have taken to prevent her emotionally abusing your children.

And yes see a solisiter they tend to be useful when you know you are about to get into a access/ residency fight. At the very least they can advise and confirm on what steps you need to take to keep your kids away from her.

Yes but the courts deal with facts.... This low scale compared to what they deal with. Are the dc at risk of harm?

Being treated as if you have a illness when you don't

Being treated as though you have been physically abused when you haven't

Having your confidentiality both medical and educational without need

Are all things that cause actual harm not just the risk off harm

I think at the very least they are being emotionally abused witchety and at worst they wouldn't be returning from Australia (should OP have been daft enough to let them go). But somewhere in-between that is the very real possibility that a manipulative, distressed woman is about to launch a custody battle based on a tissue of lies and deceit to try and take them away from a loving parent - I'd say that's risk of harm, wouldn't you?

But she had the other parent to consult and his word is as good as the mothers. If he gave his permission. And you know all that is going to be very difficult to prove... Malicious to us, they will turn that into 'concern'... We all know that

Of course the Dc are at risk of harm, they are at risk of emotional harm if this woman continues to use them as pawns in her games, particularly poisoning their minds against the one secure attachment figure they have i.e their Mum!

And to the posters who said she wouldnt be given IVF as she hadnt been with her DP long enough I dont think a woman who has lied to doctors, school etc would have any hesitation in lying to a clinic about how long they had been together eh?!

Witchety
You appear to know something about this area of law so can you suggest what the OP should be asking her solicitor to look into?

Harm is not just physical but also pyschological. Having someone try to convince you that your mother is a bad person and trying to hurt you when they are not would be harmful to the emotional welbeing of a child.

Being subjected to unecessary medical examinations and interventions or having food groups denied to you without any basis could constitue physical harm.

Wilson she is in no position to 'launch a custody battle' !!

'she' being the exdp girlfriend...

psychological

chaz unfortunately 3 years through family courts taught me a lot... I did however suggest cafcass. Solicitors are of no use ... They can write letters but they aren't legally enforced

OP what do your children call her? By first name?

Witchety - I don't think it just about what a lawyer can "do" for the OP, it's about having a solid understanding of how any actions she chooses to take could be interpreted if the situation escalates and also what rights the ExDP and his girlfriend have. Does this change if they get married for example?

The situation is awful so who would want to risk making it worse by unwittingly taking action that gives her more leverage?

I am assuming the ExDP has parental responsibility, in which case he is within his rights to make Doctors appointments etc. Its not clear from the posts if he is making these even if his girlfriend is taking the children.

Are the children being put in harm's way? Well at the very best I think the relationship she is trying to cultivate is not emotianally heathy and at the worst (and most frighteningly) placing them on a restricted diet for a non existent allergy is potentially physically damaging.