To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

[HandsOFFplease]

Get your and ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1. Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2. I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3. Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4. She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5. Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6. Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7. When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8. Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
   .

9. Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10. I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11. ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12. Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13. MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14. Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15. Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

if it was me, I think I'd just withdraw all contact entirely for now. Don't let the kids out of your sight.

Get a lawyer, OP. This woman sounds very much of the bunny boiling persuasion and you need to be prepared.

I was thinking the same as badtime and I'm also wondering whether the tattoos are real or just an attempt to make op look delusional. I would be very wary of allowing her any contact with my dcs.

I would be expecting him to just not return the children on the day he is supposed to and for e the op to take him to court to get them returned.

hows it going OP? hope you managed to get some legal advice today.

How are you OP? Did you manage to get some legal advice?

jeepers

you have some excellent advice already and i really hope you take it on board. what she is doing isnt right at all. i hope you have spoken to someone... or have at least made an appointment to see someone. like a couple of people have said, i would get a copy of your dc's medical files and find out what she took them for.

this thread really has shocked me!

This is truly shocking.

What can I add that the others haven't added, except be careful and get legal representation ASAP.

Keep us updated on how it goes with exSIL :)

OP - have you made an progress?

I have nothing helpful to add but I wanted to add my best wishes I really feel anger and sadness on your behalf.

normally i would never condone a mother keeping her children away from there father but in your case i think its your only option my husband does nt see his dd from a previous relationship because her mother has done everything in her power to stop him when we went to get advice about this [ at the very beginning] we were told that if a parent with residence which i presume you are ultuimatley does nt want to give access there is not a lot the courts can do about it good luck she sounds vile and as a mother its sent a chill down my spine!

This is awful. If she's having IVF, then if she gets pregnant, she may stop wanting your Dcs so obsessively, is my only consolation and hope for you, if all else fails.

But actually where would that then leave her DCs digerd.

Them being obsessed over, and then swiftly disregarded is not going to help anyone

It's better than them being obsessed over and then nicked from their mother. Definitely one case where less attention is a positive thing.

I would just worry about the poor child resulting form the IVF.

OP, just a thought (and I do hope you come back!): my vile ex put her up to it, I'm quite sure of that. Or, had a big hand in it. The rest she did herself. Because she is insane (and insanely rich, used to getting what she wants). Are you sure your ex is innocent in all this?

I haven't read the whole thread, but one thing I do know (having dealt with DS1's SM who is very similar for nearly a decade) is that if YOU currently hold passports for your DC's, you can write a letter to the passport service to inform them that you have concerns that their Father may be a 'flight risk', and if they get any applications for passports for these DC's in the future claiming a lost or stolen passport, could they please contact your solicitor before reissuing a passport.

You can't STOP him from applying for a passport for your DC's, but the passport service would be obliged to inform your solicitor or they could be aiding a possible parental abduction.

Your solicitor can then apply to the courts for a PSO that prevents him or her from leaving the country with them until a further court date. If you can produce their original passports, you will then be able to prove that there was a high chance that they were considering absconding with the DC's and not returning as they hadn't asked you for the passports and a signed letter.

I really DO think you will need legal advice, it's often the only way with people like this.

I will read the rest of the thread tomorrow, but I will tell you that my first impression is one of mounting horror at what you have written.

It happens do creepingly, so insidiously, that you don't notice it at first, do you? All I can say is that at the other end of the situation, the DC do eventually work out what a whack job unbalanced person their Father's partner is...

Badtime - That's EXACTLY what my DS1's SM ended up resorting to, after nearly 10 years. I was luckier than the OP -my DS1 was 10, with a very high IQ and already deemed able to be the up-to-date equivalent of Gillick competent (can't remember what it's called now) in Family Courts.

I had to call SS in in August this year when she left fingertip bruising on him. He hasn't had any contact with her since. He has gone from spending 45% of his time at his Dad's house to only seeing his dad for 4 hours a fortnight, as that's all he can get away for.

It has affected my DS1 terribly, emotionally. I just wish I had put a stop to it far sooner.

Ok, at the risk of being totally flames here:

I agree that a lot of what you are saying is very worrying and the woman sounds unhinged. However I think some of the post are way over the top. I only say this because you've only heard the op's side of the story here.

The only reason I say this is because this list could have been written about me. My dsc mother has a total lazy approach to parenting. We regularly had dsc coming to us dirty and smelly through not having a bath all week, were never taken to the dentist by her (only dh and me) also never taken to hairdressers etc. Now it was always dh who was involved with school, taking to appointments but it was usually me who made the appointments just because I remember to do it and dh doesn't. Not that he doesn't care, he is just very forgetful.

The 'mummy time' thing made me cringe at first but thinking about it, it could not be as bad as it seems. My dd and dsd play a game with dh called 'monsters', basically we chase the kids and they hide, dh is daddy monster, I am mummy monster. This is the only time dsd calls me mummy, the rest of the time I am 'roadrunner'. But taken out of context this could sound bad.

I am not saying op is anything like a bad parent, I'm just saying the posters on here need to chill out a bit. You been saying how awful she is and how abusive but you've only had one side of the story. Maybe the girlfriend does have mental health issues and maybe she doesn't realise she is stepping over the line. How would the dcs feel if contact was stopped with her with not warning? (seeing as she's been in their lives for 2 years).

Sorry I may be well off the mark here and I'm not trying to stand up for her. I'm just saying things can appear worse than they really are. The most shocking thing to me about the original post was her being able to take the dc out of school without mother knowing. But I take it she had fathers permission so maybe the issue should be more (or all actually) with him.

I don't think that OP is taking a 'lazy' way of parenting. I will admit that I read the title and came on ready to say that she should be pleased that her DCs are with a step mother who loved them BUT it wasn't like that at all OP is being very reasonable about access etc but she is dealing with a nightmare scenario of an unhinged woman. I would agree that we are only hearing one side but getting tattoos of the DCs names tells you a lot without having to hear anything more!
It doesn't change the fact she needs legal advice and she needs a log of dates and behaviour.

I get what you're saying roadrunner, but I do think this is more insidious than what you describe.

I think the father's gf clearly has a plan and that she is currently laying the ground work.

I hope the OP takes on the advice offered in this thread. I wonder if OP has indeed sought legal advice and that's why she's stepped back from this thread...

I think the gf has a plan and that is why OP can't just hope for the best- she needs to get prepared now.